Many gay men and women end up marrying
people of the opposite sex. But what is it like
for the spouse who eventually finds their
marriage breaking down?

Recently we told the stories of gay men who had
married women. It prompted a strong response
from readers who had experienced it from the
other side - those whose wives and husbands
had come out as gay.

"It feels almost homophobic to say anything
about them. To me it's not brave to spend 10 or
20 years with someone only to destroy and
discard them," says Emma. She found out her
husband was gay a year ago.

"They may go on and have a wonderful new life
while leaving a crushed wife behind. You just
feel like your whole life is wasted and there's no
closure."

One of the most difficult things for many
spouses is watching their former partner being
celebrated as brave for coming out, but knowing
the damage they've left behind.

It is an experience to which Carol, 43, can
relate. With her former husband now active in
gay rights, she received a message calling him
an inspiration and a role model.

"I was disgusted by this, that someone actually
considered him to be both of these things when
he had spent our entire relationship lying to both
himself and myself.

"To me, there is nothing to be proud of - he
destroyed our family through his failure to admit
that he was in fact gay," she explains.

They had married in 2003 and have two children
- she says she was "very happy and in love".

But there were signs something wasn't right,
including gay dating profiles on his computer,
which he explained away. In 2009 he said he
was bisexual but wanted to be with her.

Carol admits she was probably in denial but
thought they would find a way through it as he
was the man with whom she wanted to spend
her life.

A year later it came to a head when he came
home, said he was gay, and left.

"I thought my whole world had fallen apart but
then he came back and said let's stay together
for the sake of the kids. I didn't know what to do
so we lived a lie for two years. To anyone else
we looked like a normal happy couple," she said.

But it didn't work and they divorced.

Carol says the difficulty was the shock - he'd
had time to get used to it but for her it
happened so quickly. He's now married to a man
and she says they get on for the sake of their
children.

"It took me a long time to get over it, for me it is
a trust issue. How can I trust anyone again? I
can't compete with other men, I'm a woman, but
he should have been truthful from the start.

"It would have been easier if it had been a
woman - at least he would have loved me in the
first place. He says he loved me but I don't
believe him."

Kevin, 51, had been with his wife for seven years
when she asked if he'd mind living in the spare
room while she had a female partner. He'd had
no idea she was gay.

"One day, she came to me and said: 'Is it OK if I
had a girlfriend?'

"If a partner has an affair with the opposite sex
you can be angry but this is so much more
complicated. She'd been feeling like this for two
years but said nothing," he says.

She wanted to remain married, but he couldn't
live a lie and they divorced. They haven't spoken
since and she now has a female partner.

Kevin's life fell apart and he became suicidal.

"I wanted to make a go of my marriage, I had
everything invested in it, I didn't want to be a
failure. I felt a failure as a man and a husband.
It was bad, very, very, bad."

There are all kinds of reasons why people
commit to straight relationships when they are
gay - they may not have fully realised their
feelings, hope they will go away or fear they will
suffer prejudice. Some may have been together
for years after marrying at a time when society
was less accepting of gay people.

Former Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas has
talked about how he doesn't believe he would
have reached the top in the sport if he had been
openly gay. When he came out in 2009 he said
he had been in denial about his true feelings and
had genuinely been in love with his wife.

Both Carol and Kevin have a clear message for
those who are in straight marriages but think
they may be gay.

"You have to be honest with yourself and your
partner, especially when kids are involved. Not
knowing your own sexuality and taking time to
decide hurts everyone involved. Be true to who
you are," says Carol.

Kevin adds: "The sooner you come out the
better for everyone concerned. It might be
difficult, it might end a marriage, but the fact is
you can't start to repair while they're in the
closet but you're nailed to the outside and don't
even know it."

Six years on, he describes his life as "brilliant"
and now supports people going through the
same experience. He says people in his position
should contact the support group Straight
Partners Anonymous.

"It will get better. It's been difficult, my life has
now taken a completely different path, but is
better than I could have ever hoped," he says.

Some names have been changed.

source: www.bbc.com/news/magazine-33382824

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Too long.

Mehn shiii