You have HBP, he beat you while pregnant and u are asking how to be submissive. Please move in with your aunt asap, before he kills you.

adanmaonu1:
Hello Nairalanders,
My name is Adanma Onu,I am married with a 1 year and six months old baby girl,i have an issue going on in my life that has almost destroyed me.
Here is my Story, I am thirty-two years old,my husband is five years old older than me,we live in the Uk,I moved in to the UK six years ago as a student ,i met my husband in the UK too as we were both studying in the same school.i fell in love with him because he was a christian and i loved him dearly,fast warded we got married two years after we met.The quest for pregnancy began,i eventually got pregnant and had my baby January 2015.i started working after i graduated from school.my husband is working up till date and we both share the bill in the house,he pays the house bill,car-loan and i take care of my student loan,food,electricity,and council tax,he insisted we have a joint account which i oppose,i suggested that we can take a fixed amount of our monthly income and put it together towards our investment plans for the future.I discovered that he was not pleased with that idea and he says i am been secretive as am not open*Note that he knows what i earn in a month,He also made a rule that when i changed my car that i must buy the car in bought our name ,it was strange to me but i succumbed so as for peace to reign,When we have a fight and i talk he tags me as a Rude ,Non submissive woman,and i don't want his progress in life.

Fast warded he had an investment idea which require that we pump in some money,i had a saving of 500k and i gave him to support this cause,He doesn't appreciate what ever i do to make the home process go on smoothly,and whenever we have issues he would call his parents back in Abia and report to them this had open several times,Due to his way of stressing me i have had 3 miscarriages.3 weeks to the birth of my daughter he slapped and kicked me that i had to go into emergency labour before the excpected due date at the end of the whole process i had to go through cs section to save the life of the baby as i was in coma for hours after the delivery process.Now i have been thinking a lot as any little fight he involves his parents.Last month i was diagnosed with High Blood pressure which i never had before i married him,

I feel i am been used ,we have fought several times,My Brit neighbor called the police the last time we fought,when they came to our house we had to cover up as if everything was fine.he doesn't feel remorseful about the whole thing,My aunt in the Uk requested that i move in with her as she does not want to lose me that the trauma is too much for me to bear,He told me that if i misbehave again he would report me,My good nairalanders please what am i suppose to do in this scene,Genuine Advises are needed no insult please

Lastly is joint account a MUST in a marriage
How can a woman be more submissive in her marriage.

I am loosing it i don't want to Die because of Him.

Thank you all

Biko, you're married to him and not his parents. Him reporting you to his parents isn't going to achieve anything positive. They are in Naija and most likely don't understand how things work over here.

There are a lot of issues here and part of them is that your husband is basically trying to work the Naija mentality in a non-Naija environment. This can only work (to some extent) if you're both on the same level field / page, but you aren't, are you? And that explains the frustration.

Life in the UK is no walk in the park. It is tough and you both have got to be mentally strong to survive, else depression which is never far off from frustration will set in.

Anyway, all that is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. What I'm more concerned about is him raising his fists against you. He had no right whatsoever to do that, especially with you being pregnant. Why did you cover up when the police turned up? A couple of nights in police custody would have helped reset his brain and made him understand that violence is a no-no over here. You're very lucky to be alive and I hope you realise that.

I suggest you take up your aunt's offer. You definitely need a temporary separation and while you're apart, encourage him to attend Anger Management classes. He needs to learn how to keep his emotions in check.

In the meantime, focus on getting your health back in shape, whilst looking after that daughter of yours to the very best of your ability.

Stay strong and keep focused.

It is well.

adanmaonu1:
Hello Nairalanders,
My name is Adanma Onu,I am married with a 1 year and six months old baby girl,i have an issue going on in my life that has almost destroyed me.
Here is my Story, I am thirty-two years old,my husband is five years old older than me,we live in the Uk,I moved in to the UK six years ago as a student ,i met my husband in the UK too as we were both studying in the same school.i fell in love with him because he was a christian and i loved him dearly,fast warded we got married two years after we met.The quest for pregnancy began,i eventually got pregnant and had my baby January 2015.i started working after i graduated from school.my husband is working up till date and we both share the bill in the house,he pays the house bill,car-loan and i take care of my student loan,food,electricity,and council tax,he insisted we have a joint account which i oppose,i suggested that we can take a fixed amount of our monthly income and put it together towards our investment plans for the future.I discovered that he was not pleased with that idea and he says i am been secretive as am not open*Note that he knows what i earn in a month,He also made a rule that when i changed my car that i must buy the car in bought our name ,it was strange to me but i succumbed so as for peace to reign,When we have a fight and i talk he tags me as a Rude ,Non submissive woman,and i don't want his progress in life.

Fast warded he had an investment idea which require that we pump in some money,i had a saving of 500k and i gave him to support this cause,He doesn't appreciate what ever i do to make the home process go on smoothly,and whenever we have issues he would call his parents back in Abia and report to them this had open several times,Due to his way of stressing me i have had 3 miscarriages.3 weeks to the birth of my daughter he slapped and kicked me that i had to go into emergency labour before the excpected due date at the end of the whole process i had to go through cs section to save the life of the baby as i was in coma for hours after the delivery process.Now i have been thinking a lot as any little fight he involves his parents.Last month i was diagnosed with High Blood pressure which i never had before i married him,

I feel i am been used ,we have fought several times,My Brit neighbor called the police the last time we fought,when they came to our house we had to cover up as if everything was fine.he doesn't feel remorseful about the whole thing,My aunt in the Uk requested that i move in with her as she does not want to lose me that the trauma is too much for me to bear,He told me that if i misbehave again he would report me,My good nairalanders please what am i suppose to do in this scene,Genuine Advises are needed no insult please

Lastly is joint account a MUST in a marriage
How can a woman be more submissive in her marriage.

I am loosing it i don't want to Die because of Him.

Thank you all

When things get to a certain point, you will have all the answers you seek.

Madam please if you value your life please do the needful.

IF someone can beat you whilst you are pregnant till you go into premature labour, he can double beat you now that you are not pregnant till you die, God forbid.

You know what to do, This is the UK. The fear of a criminal record alone should stop him in his tracks.

I know that deep inside of you, you want to keep your home and family together, but you can only do that if you are alive and from a safe distance.

Take your auntys offer of accomodation and a safe place and move there ASAP.
It will either do one of 2 things; either he comes to his senses or he doesnt.
Cross either bridge when you get there, but for the meantime dont be a victim or another statistic.
If he comes back to his senses, then lay down the rules
if he doesnt come back to his senses, then good riddance

I dont know what the church is teaching these days. Christian brother indeed.

EfemenaXY:


Biko, you're married to him and not his parents. Him reporting you to his parents isn't going to achieve anything positive. They are in Naija and most likely don't understand how things work over here.

There are a lot of issues here and part of them is that your husband is basically trying to work the Naija mentality in a non-Naija environment. This can only work (to some extent) if you're both on the same level field / page, but you aren't, are you? And that explains the frustration.

Life in the UK is no walk in the park. It is tough and you both have got to be mentally strong to survive, else depression which is never far off from frustration will set in.

Anyway, all that is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. What I'm more concerned about is him raising his fists against you. He had no right whatsoever to do that, especially with you being pregnant. Why did you cover up when the police turned up? A couple of nights in police custody would have helped reset his brain and made him understand that violence is a no-no over here. You're very lucky to be alive and I hope you realise that.

I suggest you take up your aunt's offer. You definitely need a temporary separation and while you're apart, encourage him to attend Anger Management classes. He needs to learn how to keep his emotions in check.

In the meantime, focus on getting your health back in shape, whilst looking after that daughter of yours to the very best of your ability.

Stay strong and keep focused.

It is well.

Beautiful and very objective.

^^ Thanks.

zeb04:
what is the question again?

how to be submissive,even when you have been given different smack down,upper cut and supper punch?

the award submissive wife" you are trying to win might only be given to you when you go into coma and not return

. then the angels in heaven will give you a standing ovation.

welcome the most dutiful,vitreous,honourable submissive wife ever to grace the world of mankind.

how do you like that?

Even I had to ask the same question after reading her post.

She was offered all the help possible, rejected them all but she came online to ask us what to do

~ The neighbors called the police to assist her, she covered up the abuser and was smiling to them in pain.
~ Her aunt offered to take her in, she said no.

Pls what does she want to hear again that she has not already heard from real life people who know and love her or is she just trolling??

zeb04:
what is the question again?

how to be submissive,even when you have been given different smack down,upper cut and supper punch?

the award submissive wife" you are trying to win might only be given to you when you go into coma and not return

. then the angels in heaven will give you a standing ovation.

welcome the most dutiful,vitreous,honourable submissive wife ever to grace the world of mankind.

how do you like that?

God help me.
You shouldn't make us laugh on this kinda thread, biko.

Op, read all the comments from married women and make your decision. May God keep you.

More and more of our men are marrying women cos of what they bring to the table and unfortunately I have seen even medical doctors earning over 150k and still almost begging husband to spend money even when his contribution is less than 20 percent of her own.

Try this for six months and see if there is peace in the home.

First discuss if he is happy to have both of you put in 50 percent of your earnings into a joint account and pay all your bills and extras holiday and other what not. I do not know what you earn or what your bills are. It might be that you need a little bit more than 50 percent. It is just a guide used in my church.

If he is not agreable and all then try for six months initially. Keep your current saving and provided you both have full access to the joint bank account open one

Open a new joint account for both of you. Thank God heis working have all your pay go into it. Pay all your bills and hopefully this should bring you close together as it should mean that you both discuss your life plans together.

If things don't change then at least you know you have put your feet and hands in and he is just an ao. I say this because I have seen where it has worked.

I am all for not keeping quiet in a domestic violence situation but know that there are practical solutions that you can try. Never allow anyone to think it is alright to lay hands on you. If you have to report him do so in loveso tthat he can get the help that he needs.

edwife:


Beautiful and very objective.

i couldnt agree more.nice to read something sensible in all the hasty comments above.as always the pack of commenters above will never fail to disapoint with their teenage emotional acumen.beats me all their years on nairaland why dont they learn anything from the more experienced women? I guess its more to do with their rough inexcapable background.

Respect yourself Mr Troy.

Another Fake story

cococandy:


Respect yourself Mr Troy.

Lols

No room for other opinions

cococandy:


Respect yourself Mr Troy.

i dont have to take yourside always you know.this one time i'm for the op not making hasty emotional short term decisions she might wish eventually she never made.and yea how about you pursue more strongly the adoption of divorce courses in our school curricular.you seem to have a wonderful team behind you.

babygirlfl:


And most importantly, if she dies, the public will not go with her to the grave. The day Nigerian women stop paying attention to public opinion and society is the day true liberation will be achieved. The society forces them to get married and then force them to stay married.

How are you enjoying your Sunday? Any sunday roast?

You have said it all. Most women are suffering from mental colonization.

troy20:

i dont have to take yourside always you know.this one time i'm for the op not making hasty emotional short term decisions she might wish eventually she never made.and yea how about you pursue more strongly the adoption of divorce courses in our school curricular.you seem to have a wonderful team behind you.

There are no sides here pls.

Just give your own opinion to the OP instead of insulting everyone on the thread.
Can you read that your post aloud to yourself?

Some of you just like to enter threads and start commotion.

Lol...

This family section and drama sef! See these ones on top me even while giving advice dem wan fight! Na wa oh!

adanmaonu1:
Hello Nairalanders

Hello Ada,

Maybe it’s the punctuation or maybe it’s how I’m reading your OP, but there appear to be inconsistencies in your story. Anyway, for discussions sake, I will take your story as read and respond accordingly.

First of all, you spend a good portion of your post talking about the domestic situation between you, and rather less about “physical altercations”, which would appear more pressing?

So I’ll start there. I like the fact that you made it clear that the two of you “fought”. In reading some of the responses, it would at first appear that a significant amount of one-sided husband inflicted DV was going on here – that is not the case. Advice #1, ignore such posts.

What is clear from your own words, is that this is a heated relationship which often gets physical. Having said that, my position is that a man should ensure all restraint to prevent physically assaulting his wife.

And as a wife, you must not give in to misguided notions that physically engaging your husband in this way will reap long-term dividends. If you want a long and joyous union, do not succumb to dumb thinking like “ a man must never lay hands on a woman for any reason” and at the same time think that you can relentlessly provoke or even assault him.

I commend you that you did not let the law intervene in your marriage, when it would have been so tempting to do so. You acted more wisely than you may comprehend at this point– if saving and going on to enjoy your marriage is your aim.

I’ll hopefully be back later to complete.


TV

OP, you really have to be careful. I think you should move in with your aunt until things calm down a bit. With the HBP you have, you don't need the kind of physical and emotional stress that you are going through in the name of marriage.

No matter what, choose to stay alive and let no man kill you.

I also think you included a lot of details about yourself. You should have excluded your name. Try editing your post by removing your name.

tearoses:
Madam please if you value your life please do the needful.

IF someone can beat you whilst you are pregnant till you go into premature labour, he can double beat you now that you are not pregnant till you die, God forbid.

You know what to do, This is the UK. The fear of a criminal record alone should stop him in his tracks.

I know that deep inside of you, you want to keep your home and family together, but you can only do that if you are alive and from a safe distance.

Take your auntys offer of accomodation and a safe place and move there ASAP.
It will either do one of 2 things; either he comes to his senses or he doesnt.
Cross either bridge when you get there, but for the meantime dont be a victim or another statistic.
If he comes back to his senses, then lay down the rules
if he doesnt come back to his senses, then good riddance

I dont know what the church is teaching these days. Christian brother indeed.

My pastor's daughter is a friend, so she gets to meet all these 'brothers in the Lord' from everywhere, then she gives me gists afterwards.
Some of these men make comments like 'domestic violence is one of those things that should happen in marriage.'
These are sunday school instructors, choir directors, tehehe. The devil is real.
The ex-boyfriend who is also a pastor's son kept her captive in his house over a misunderstanding. She wanted to leave, he said no way. She said she couldn't tell anyone because she was the one that used her own leg to go to his house.
I have asked where does she meet these kind of mad people? Christian fellowship and network, lmao.
I pity girls who date on the basis of 'he is a good christian' so they think everything is set from there. Yes it's good to be a christian, but girl you had better test that spirit. There are more wolves in sheep clothing in churches with satanic definitions of submission.

adanmaonu1:
Hello Nairalanders,
My name is Adanma Onu,I am married with a 1 year and six months old baby girl,i have an issue going on in my life that has almost destroyed me.
Here is my Story, I am thirty-two years old,my husband is five years old older than me,we live in the Uk,I moved in to the UK six years ago as a student ,i met my husband in the UK too as we were both studying in the same school.i fell in love with him because he was a christian and i loved him dearly,fast warded we got married two years after we met.The quest for pregnancy began,i eventually got pregnant and had my baby January 2015.i started working after i graduated from school.my husband is working up till date and we both share the bill in the house,he pays the house bill,car-loan and i take care of my student loan,food,electricity,and council tax,he insisted we have a joint account which i oppose,i suggested that we can take a fixed amount of our monthly income and put it together towards our investment plans for the future.I discovered that he was not pleased with that idea and he says i am been secretive as am not open*Note that he knows what i earn in a month,He also made a rule that when i changed my car that i must buy the car in bought our name ,it was strange to me but i succumbed so as for peace to reign,When we have a fight and i talk he tags me as a Rude ,Non submissive woman,and i don't want his progress in life.

Fast warded he had an investment idea which require that we pump in some money,i had a saving of 500k and i gave him to support this cause,He doesn't appreciate what ever i do to make the home process go on smoothly,and whenever we have issues he would call his parents back in Abia and report to them this had open several times,Due to his way of stressing me i have had 3 miscarriages.3 weeks to the birth of my daughter he slapped and kicked me that i had to go into emergency labour before the excpected due date at the end of the whole process i had to go through cs section to save the life of the baby as i was in coma for hours after the delivery process.Now i have been thinking a lot as any little fight he involves his parents.Last month i was diagnosed with High Blood pressure which i never had before i married him,

I feel i am been used ,we have fought several times,My Brit neighbor called the police the last time we fought,when they came to our house we had to cover up as if everything was fine.he doesn't feel remorseful about the whole thing,My aunt in the Uk requested that i move in with her as she does not want to lose me that the trauma is too much for me to bear,He told me that if i misbehave again he would report me,My good nairalanders please what am i suppose to do in this scene,Genuine Advises are needed no insult please

Lastly is joint account a MUST in a marriage
How can a woman be more submissive in her marriage.

I am loosing it i don't want to Die because of Him.

Thank you all

My dear, I feel for you. It seems like your husband lacks maturity. How come he keeps beating you and even when the authorities are called you still lie about it? You need to find a source of strenght. Think of your baby and the harm that may possibly come her way if you die in the process. I suggest you expose the truth about his physical abuse to elders in your own family. They need to let him know that if anything happens to you he will be held accountable, if you don't have elders who are willing to stand up for you, it will be safer to move to your aunt's place unless he agrees to go for counselling.

Joint account is not a must, but only do what works for the two of you. I will be praying for you.

adanmaonu1:
Hello Nairalanders

...as promised. I initially responded as I sensed that despite it all, you wish, if at all possible, to restore your marriage. I continue on that basis.

Lots of questions about the foundations & genesis of your relationship - all you've managed to do is give both love and Christianity bad names. Ironically the two in truth envelop each other. If it was love you truly felt, submission wouldn't be an issue, and if he was truly a Christian, you would have discerned that, assuming you are one yourself? But let's not look to far back for now.

Husband:
Obviously immature to a degree - even if only in response to your actions. He would be well served by some serious counselling. As would you both. Individually and jointly. But first, you need to both commit to restoration; whether you do, don't, or if you use family, church or professionals.

I would suggest you humbly approach him baring your soul and referencing the hope and expectation you entered this marriage with. Acknowledge his headship and ask for his support as you both work to rekindle a loving relationship.

Check your "equal rights" mentality at the door and start to think sacrificially as marriage often demands. To restore you need him back onside, vested in the marriage and committed to you and your child.

Third Parties:
Regardless of proximity, his parents are best left out of this, as is your aunt - unless things are actually that precarious. Families and friends can stoke fires and will nurse grudges long after you have reconciled. Your neighbours will just use you for cheap gist.

As mentioned keep the law far from your home if you desire to retrieve this situation. What he will go through in their hands can engender the kind of indignation that he will find hard to forgive you for - ever. There are fewer worse kinds of emasculation for a man.

The police - by default or design - humiliate the black men they take into custody. Especially for accusations of DV. I have seen men subsequently play nice, relocate the family to Nigeria and then exact a tortuous revenge. Are you trying to restore your home or blow up your marriage? If the latter,many have already provided a road map.

Submission:
I actually feel that, being submissive in the genuine sense would have really avoided a lot of the pain you have experienced. You've pulled the old "I will do as my husband says, as long as it makes sense to me" card. There' a real sense of you "dragging" headship with him.

Not saying that joint a/c's are a must, but why truly did you refuse? What were the reasons you wanted the arrangement you put forth? I note your lamentation about "being used"?

How and why? And you were comfortable enough to afford a car out of your savings no? He couldn't have been taking all of your money and he was taking care of the big ticket financial items. Was this a case of "my money, mine, his money ours" attitude?

For whatever reason, you did not engage in this relationship in a way that engendered trust or recognised his headship - you were actually the very opposite of submission. Whether this was due to foundational issues or character flaws, I can't say. However, restoration is possible.

Was the project in Nigeria one you didnlt agree with or didn't have full transparency on. Were his family involved? Was it part of your joint L/T plans?

I sometimes wonder at the dynamic of relationships and how individuals understand and approach marriage. If indeed your husband is simply wilfully violent without cause, and brutalises you absent rhyme or reason, then you best act to ensure the safety of yourself and your daughter. As noted, contributors here have already outlined how you can leverage the legal system to seriously hurt two individuals and scar a young child.

All the best to you and your family as you work your way through this.


TV

Your hussy should have restrained himself from laying his hands on you, sometimes shiit happens before we realize them.Sorry about that.

You mentioned something about Christianity, if you are really submissive most of the problems you enlisted wouldn't have crept in.Once married most women see themselves as the head also of the house and with that comes a lot of problems in the home like you are experiencing now.

By being submissive you should have accepted his request for the joint account, or do you have anything to hide?I feel you earn more than your husband, I maybe wrong though.


I don't know why women always feel this is my money syndrome.I have a joint account with my wife, she has access to my salary account also, I don't really see the fear in joint account unless you don't really love that your husband.

If not for the beating, every other thing can be "managed" with commitment and maturity from both of them.

The three things that cause strife in many families is sex, finance and outside pressures.

2 out of 3 are at play here.

If the joint account thing is causing so much grief and the wife doesnt have any reason per sey why she doesnt want a joint account, then why not just go for it to keep the peace.
Its not everything that you end up doing is what you started out to want to do, but for the fact that you are married to this person and you love this person and you want to live in peace with this person.
This goes the other way too.

One thing I have learnt over the years is to pick battles wisely and if something is not going to harm me, then at least try it. If we try it and it doesnt work at least we can say that we tried, rather than not trying it at all and fighting over and over again over it.

Joint account and finance seems to be the root casue of the stress in this family.
My car, my money, his name, his bill, my bill.
Maybe becasue we have had a joint account from day one, I am more biased towards couples sharing everything from the onset and carry on like that.
in our home We dont have his and mine . . we have ours and it works.
It brings you together and it helps you plan better too cos you both know exactly what is available and so you can work and plan the future together knowing fully well what is required and what is available.

Re his reporting you to his parents everytime is wrong and he needs to stop that becasuse families are very good at not forgetting and even when you guys have resolved issues and moved on they will still lbe locked into the she is a bad wife wife syndrome which isnt good.

Have a chat with him about this and let him know that you dont like him doing this. You too need to be approchable when he has issues with you so that you can both resolve things without him having to go reporting to third partys outside.

The beating has to stop and he needs to commit to that, and promise that it will never ever happen again, then I feel that the other issues can be resolved.

rebella:
You have HBP, he beat you while pregnant and u are asking how to be submissive. Please move in with your aunt asap, before he kills you.

did you just called me now?

This is my idea about marriage:
A travelling Man.
A responsible Man.
A Risk taker.
A loving Dad.
A caring friend.
That's about all.
Now if you in anyway possess all of these qualities do feel free to say you have a wife.

Alero Ajems Arubi
Copyright 2015

www.rainafather.