People usually begin romantic relationships with
great hopes. They don’t expect that their love will
end. But, unfortunately, that is sometimes the
reality. And often, there are warning signs that
the relationship is headed in that direction.
Relationship researcher John Gottman offers four
such indicators, which he calls the “Four
Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Below are Gottman’s four warning signs – and
adjustments you can make if you see them in your
relationship:

Criticism
When a partner attacks the other person’s
character. Criticism is different from complaining,
which focuses on a particular problem or
behavior. “You are such a slob” or “You always
leave the house a mess” are criticisms. “I’m tired
of finding your dirty socks all over the floor” is a
complaint. It is difficult to have any constructive
response to a criticism, but you can work
cooperatively to address a complaint.

Fix:
Commit to making complaints rather than
criticisms. If your partner tends to criticize, talk
with them about the difference between these two
ways of addressing problems and make an
agreement for you both to complain rather than
criticize.

Contempt
Criticism taken to the next level – a person is
attacking their partner as a whole person.
Contempt is insulting, demeaning, and is intended
to put the criticizer on a higher level than their
partner. It might include name-calling, mockery,
sarcastic humor, or body language such as eye-
rolling or sneering.

Fix:
Lower the tolerance for contempt. Actively work
on building a healthier respect, more effective
communication, and greater appreciation of each
other. Given that this is the most problematic of
all the horsemen, a relationship that involves
contempt will probably need couples therapy to
help them make positive changes.

Defensiveness
Responding to an attack by defending yourself
and then attacking back. Your defense might
involve making excuses, disagreeing, ignoring the
attack, or taking on a victim role.

Fix:
Truly listen to your partner’s complaint,
empathize with their distress, and take some
responsibility for the problem. You can give your
side of the story, but only after honestly showing
compassion for their distress – that is, after
showing that you really want to soothe their
suffering.

Stonewalling
Withdrawing from a conversation or the
relationship as a protection from being hurt. The
person may physically leave or just stop following
the conversation. The person often looks like they
don’t care even though the real cause is that they
are overwhelmed.

Fix:
Talk about this pattern together and work on
being able to identify when the stone-waller is
becoming overwhelmed. Also, develop a plan for
how to give them some space, such as agreeing
to take a break for some allotted amount of time.
Make sure to come back at some point to the
problem at hand.

It is best to identify these patterns early. The
longer they continue, the more they can damage
your relationship. If you find that you keep
repeating the same old patterns despite doing
your best to nurture healthier ones, it may be
time for couples therapy.

Tell me another because I have known all dis from ma momdas womb.

Lack of money and fame should top that list especially on the part of ladies.