Madam CC, of course I know!  Pastor Serubawon was mindful of his response and didn't quite let it out!

I really don't know why certain men find it difficult to talk to their wives.  I happen to have a higher libido than my wife.  Communication is the key.  There is nothing we don't talk about as husband and wife.  It was easy for me to let her know because I love her and I am sure she wants to satisfy her man too.  Over the weekend, I was the one that kindof chickened out!!  That's to tell you how far she has improved over the years.

I can understand there will be times she may not be in the mood because of stress of work, illness, tiredness etc, but a man should know which buttons to press to awaken the tigress, even in that state.  It seems the thought of pleasing her husband sometimes is a satisfaction for a woman who truly loves her husband!  Correct me if I am wrong.

It seems many men are lousy and selfish lovers that are not ready to take their wives to that point.  A woman is wired differently and takes time to respond.  Also, a woman is not like a man that is at alert in a few seconds.  So, your wife is tired and not in the mood, get up and prepare something for her and serve her in bed.  When she is through, do the packing and just tell the queen to relax.  Come back and give her a loving massage!  By the time the temperature is warming up it will be too late to remember tiredness  But no, my fellow men will just pounce on her and go straight to business of the day

Hmmmh, I just remember we are having sermon. . .

Debosky, I posted that before I saw yours.

Not when you take time to prepare her emotionally and otherwise! It works. You are not going to be asking 'excuse me madam, please can we have . . .'!! Like I said, so she is tired, no problem. She will come to the bed, is it not?

Get a bowl of warm water and a towel. No permission is needed. Start massaging the tired legs. No don't even suggest what you are about. Do a good job of it, admiring her beauty as you work. Jump over to the arms and face, then to the body, carefully avoiding certain areas. Adjust your position give her a peck on the forehead . . . just get on with the work. At this point, I think madam is relaxed and adjusting herself . . . The rest is up to you from then on

Debo, so everything we do, this is where you come to offload the details abi? Do you know how long it took me to learn all those styles? Even BB has been knocking on my door day and night asking for a manual

@ Mrs CC,  thanks so much, i have copied the title of the book, will search for it in the bookstores at the weekend. I appreciate your thoughts about forgiving myself.

@ Analytical, hmmn, reading your post got me thinking, the reality is i dug a big hole for myself and i seem to have fallen into it; u know the proverbial proverb " how are the mighty fallen" cannot be better explain than my case here.

I totally agree that i should stay off ministring awhile, but how do i do that when nobody but me carries the weight of what i have done? Confess to church leadership? Where will i start from; is it the fact that i am/ was in a relationship without their knowledge or consent or the fact that i have done that? It gets preety complicated from here;  there was someone everyone thot we were so perfect for each other, but we never got round to it: when we finally got to talking, he was already engaged to someone else, and i was with in this relationship. Hearing about his engagement really tipped me over as i thot we were  both becoming closer to the real thing; this relationship was already winding down;  the secrecy of not telling my pastorate ( my fault mostly; his scepticism about informing his pastorate- until he has some things in place). So, i guess, we were both playing with fire, operating outside our respective spiritual covering.

He seems trully sorry; he has been as heartbroken as i am, and have called off any personal meeting between us, he  visits me at home now, or we go to the parks. But do i want to go on?, Right now, i dont know if i even want to think of it. Before now, i have had issues about trust and integrity; my spirit just seems totally at odds with him sometimes, and i always try to check with him if something was amiss.

I am much concerned about my vow to God; i vowed not to have any physical contact until i got married; with my life, Knowing the power of words, i am kinda worried.

All in all, i am slowly accepting this experience as mine, despite all that as happened  and no matter my decision from hence, i respect him as a person and i still think he is one of my most loyal friends.

Getting to talk to everyone  here have been so great, because, from home, to work,, to church, to friends; i seem to be the girl who has got it all locked down, he was the only one i could be totally me with, my naughty, mischievious, unserious, irreverent me. I always said he knows the part of me i have never dared reveal to any other. So, at times when you grow up with so many looking up to you or held in a certain way, it becomes a glass-house, so lonely and no one hears u screaming behinf the ornate glass. That is how most 'spiritual" people fall,.

God bless you all for what you have done for me today, i guess i will go to church again this week; been away for weeks, said i was ill.

Thank you all, Apologies for breaking amidst the bedmatics class. Thanks again and God bless

jennykadry:

Debo, so everything we do, this is where you come to offload the details abi? Do you know how long it took me to learn all those styles? Even BB has been knocking on my door day and night asking for a manual

Don't mind BB. . . .she go wait tire. Meanwhile I have a new one to try tonight. . . . .It's called Mexican Chillipepper.

souldiva:

2, Whats stopping the marriage, financially, he is not so ready; and maybe we both are not so sure; there is an issue of  commitment with different denominations ( i am like within the pastorate in my denomination and he is just finishing his workers in training in his denomination ( didnt i know this before? I did, i have tried to make him realise how difficult it will be for me  to leave mine, except he becomes so very active in his church and his commitment will give me the assurance that i can fulfill my ministry in his denomination)

huh? you intend to start a marriage with the above? If i was your fiance this would be enough reason to hit the brakes quick . . . the bible says you are to submit to your husband spiritually . . . you're not even ready to give up your "pastorate" position in your church to be with your husband?
Just reading your description of your lofty positions in "ministry" makes me wonder which you consider more important . . . your marriage/family or your "ministry"?

The only way you will be willing to follow your husband's lead is if he gives you "assurances that you can fulfill your ministry" . . . you're talking "ministry" when you are disobeying the very first commandment in marriage that you submit to your husband?

Like i said . . . you express quite a lot of spiritual pride. That is your basic problem and not the s[i]e[/i]xual sin.

souldiva:

3, He is a believer, but a much recent one dan me ( the sad truth was, he gave his life to christ 3 years ago after meeting me; he alwayas said, despite all the preechings he has heard all the years nothing touched his act, until we became friends. he asked me out for 4 years and until i was sure of his commitment to christ before i accept. ( i think this bit express why i feel like i have failed not God but him)

Apologies if the above sounds ridiculous to me. Why qualify his being a believer with the fact that he is much younger than you in the Lord? Wasnt apostle Paul much younger than Peter in the faith (Peter was on the mt of transfiguration sef!) and yet how many epistles of Peter are we reading compared to those of Paul? If God was more interested in your "length of service in the ministry" then many of us are in deep trouble.

Why is it a "sad truth" that he only gave his life to Christ 3 yrs ago? What it also sad that the thief on the cross only gave his life to Christ a few seconds before he died?

I see more trouble ahead of you when you get married . . . and it will have nothing to do with s[i]e[/i]xual sin. Your feelings of "failing God" has nothing to do with sincerity but a feeling of losing your lofty "sinless" habitation that took you years of being "born again" to achieve.

souldiva:

@ dabosky, i totally accept your thot of spiritual sorrow, and i am coming to a place of acceptance slowly, You asked me to evaluate the relationship, i am; and the details for my reticience is much complicated than could be expressed here ( a la public forum, u neva knw). But[b] leaving will help me re-pirioritise my life, deal with the scars my actions in this past few month have caused,  i kinda think better when alone[/b].

What if you got married and he cheated on you . . . you'd simply walk away to "re-prioritise YOUR life"? Do you spare ANY thought at all for the relationship you both shared for 5 yrs or is this just about YOU, YOU and YOU alone?

souldiva:

Now, i really dont feel like heading up the altar to lead services or prayers of such,  but the amazing thing is, when i do ], there seem so much annointing( permit my christianese),  i guess it comes from knowing that the only thing that keep my righteousness is his grace.

1. Do you or do you not believe Christ when He says to you that you are FORGIVEN when you seek it in genuine repentance? then why constantly carry that guilt like a badge of dishonor?

2. I really turn up my nose when i hear people talk about the "anointing" during their own ministrations. Too many people mistake emotional jingoism for the "anointing" these days that the word has truly lost its value.

souldiva:

@ blank, thanks for your advise, it is just because of wat u just said that i decide to quit.

Believe me, you would be doing this poor man a big favor by quitting. Spiritual pride from you will kill your marriage faster than f[i]o[/i]rnication.

souldiva:

@ Analytical, hmmn, reading your post got me thinking,  the reality is i dug a big hole for myself and i seem to have fallen into it; u know the proverbial proverb " how are the mighty fallen" cannot be better explain than my case here.

I think you should re-evaluate your prayer life. Asking for humility might be a good place to start. And yeah lay off the "ministry" thing for a bit . . . too many people get too wrapped up in their own godlike ministry status that they treat everyone else like mere earthlings.

@ dadylan, reading your post made me really think very deep?

You are right in one aspect, i  have also been thinking about what worries me the most, the sin or the supposedly "sinless state" as you call it. I cant figure, maybe i cant really think sraight now.

The bit about the ministry is this way: it is not so much as church as it is being with a recent christian that is still finding his feet in commitment church-wise.

Everything else was me trying to speak from my mind; if i have eshibited spiritual pride; then i have one more sin to confess then.

Dadylan,  i might really be doing him a great favour, because i think i could have shown him a better way since i led him to christ; is this pride again?


Really; i feel very sad reading your post, , but please don't try judge me; in all my fraility, i just want to be a better person.

speaking of my quote ' how are the mighty fallen' ,, try read my last paragraph, imagine growing up where people think u should be the epitome of virtue, wen all u want to be is normal and make your own mistake, it is in that context i wrote the above.


Anything else, i will take your constructive criticism in good faith

chaircover:

serubawon & analytical I dont really have any further questions; I was only teasing you

The one question that started this discussion was why dont men just talk to their wives if they feel that their sex lives is not up to par rather than going out and having an affair.

Well, guess what? If they never really 'talked' before marriage, they definitely won't talk in marriage. When you date someone, you mostly see the best representative of that person. We always show our best sides before marriage. Talking helps us probe and bring out that other side that people don't want to show. The art of talking about everything is missing in today's relationships.

Sorry to say, we Christians are the best pretenders. Everyone behaves like sex is only for procreation and talking about it is taboo. Who said that?! People wrongly associate sex with porn and that is sad. One is beautiful and the other is ugly. It is only the devil that can warp something that was created beautifully by God and make it look so ugly. Unfortunately, I can't talk about my preferences because someone might get the wrong impression and that's not right. However, to someone I want to get married to, I will say E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G I like and expect. At least, she will have a true picture of what I like and the kind of person I am. No[b] 'rude awakenings' [/b]when we get married. Just as Analytical put it, whatever is painful or uncomfortable for your partner IS NOT RIGHT.

Wow David is so right.

Trust dafidi to come in and pull no punches!

@ SoulDiva

You really need to ease up on a number of things - I personally don't buy into this 'operating under spiritual cover' business. Telling your pastor you are courting will not stop someone from having sexx if they choose to. I have seen many cases where this 'spiritual cover' has led to people overlooking HUGE warning signs simply because they had been told that it was 'God's will' for the relationship to progress.

What matters more is clear setting of boundaries within the relationship and having realistic expectations of each other. I don't believe in handing this responsibility off to some spiritual cover.

That said, it seems you haven't really been fully committed to the relationship and have been keeping an eye out for something 'better' (the guy you said you were perfect together for example) or maybe someone you felt was more on your 'level' spiritually.

From what I can read, you have far more things that are against this relationship than are for it - you have issues with his level of spiritual growth (though you are measuring this in an arguably wrong fashion through status in the church), issues with trust and integrity as you mentioned, and now this sexual incident. You didn't even feel confident enough to share your relationship with your pastorate as you said - all signs that things are not quite right.

You need to be clear on what you want in a partner and go for it - you seemed to have somewhat 'settled' for this guy ( I don't know why) but now all the hang ups have become clearer once you had sexx.  It may therefore have been a good thing to make this mistake instead of going into a marriage you might not have genuinely wanted to be in.

Wish you all the best.

Davidylan!!!!!  Haba!!!!!!

That was very harsh of you.  This soul is wounded, you don't add to the injury and misery.  If you read her posts very well, you will see a sincere heart.  She wasn't blaming the guy alone, she actually shared it.  Moreso she loves the guy.

I asked for more explanation, that was when she delved more onto the relationship.  I can understand what she meant by referring to him as younder than her in the faith.  You can imagine someone that became a christian because of you.  They are not just engaged, he gave his life to Christ as a result of her friendship and testimony.  Now, if you ask me, she really let him down!

I understand your point.  I hope she takes the lesson and forgives you of insensitivity!

Where have you been BTW?

^^That's the problem I have on this forum, when I reply threads people call me harsh. David was not insensitive, some people need the hard truth to see the real picture.

All he posted here is the Raw truth, even I learned a thing or two from it.

souldiva:

@ dadylan, reading your post made me really think very deep?

You are right in one aspect, i  have also been thinking about what worries me the most, the sin or the supposedly "sinless state" as you call it. I cant figure, maybe i cant really think sraight now.

you made so many references to it that it is quite obvious losing your "sinless state" that obviously fueled your own sense of ministerial achievement is your most obvious concern right now. Are you worried about his own faith and how he is dealing with this too?

souldiva:

The bit about the ministry is this way: it is not so much as church a[b]s it is being with a recent christian that is still finding his feet in commitment church-wise[/b].

Please enough of this "church" thing my dear. A man and woman's first ministry is NOT the church but the FAMILY UNIT. Why is "church commitment" more important to you than a genuine HEART commitment? Are you saved by your level of church commitment? What if your husband chooses to relocate his family on God's leading to another state where your church doesnt have a branch? You would refuse to go since you are a member of the "pastorate" and your "anointing" is too important to sacrifice?

souldiva:

Dadylan,  i might really be doing him a great favour, because i think i could have shown him a better way since i led him to christ; is this pride again?

You really would. I dont see any evidence you would submit to him spiritually . . . yes you led him to Christ and so what?

souldiva:

Really; i feel very sad reading your post, , but please don't try judge me; in all my fraility, i just want to be a better person.

our own righteousness is like filthy rags . . .

souldiva:

speaking of my quote ' how are the mighty fallen' ,,  try read my last paragraph, imagine growing up where people think u should be the epitome of virtue, wen all u want to be is normal and make your own mistake, it is in that context i wrote the above.

Who cares what people think about you? Are you more interested in pleasing man than God Himself? Did the Lazarus the beggar look like the epitome of virtue while sitting in rags at the kings gate?

Jenny I quite agree.  But let me ask you, how do you treat an injury on a person?  Is it by scrubbing with salt or gently nursing it back?

Actually sometimes we don't gently rub it back, we stitch or suture it, now that's more painful but all in all it's for their own good.

Jenny, and sometimes?

Oh I see she had even replied Davidylan and actually took his punches coolly. Can you see what I mean by someone sincere?

@souldiva, God bless you my sister souldiva. I am sure you will get out of it and ready to fire for the Lord again. Take your time and get back on your feet. The Lord is ever willing to take us back like the prodigal son. His father took him back, so our Father is willing too

Analytical:

Jenny I quite agree.  But let me ask you, how do you treat an injury on a person?  Is it by scrubbing with salt or gently nursing it back?

Taking spinal taps to treat cerebral meningitis is a very painful procedure.
rubbing alcohol on a wound hurts very badly as well . . . sometimes "gentle nursing" is not enough.

Debo encapsulated my points in a far less harsh way.

Analytical:

Davidylan!!!!!  Haba!!!!!!

That was very harsh of you.  This soul is wounded, you don't add to the injury and misery.  If you read her posts very well, you will see a sincere heart.  She wasn't blaming the guy alone, she actually shared it.  Moreso she loves the guy.

I asked for more explanation, that was when she delved more onto the relationship.  I can understand what she meant by referring to him as younder than her in the faith.  You can imagine someone that became a christian because of you.  They are not just engaged, he gave his life to Christ as a result of her friendship and testimony.  Now, if you ask me, she really let him down!

I understand your point.  I hope she takes the lesson and forgives you of insensitivity!

Where have you been BTW?

lol please read her posts my brother . . . yes she shared the blame too but largely in light of HER OWN perception of falling from the lofty pastorate standards she set for herself.

Analytical

Pulling the skin back in place after a skin tear is not gentle, washing the wound with normal saline stings, dressing it with iodine is worse, no process of wound dressing is gentle and pain free.

@souldiva.

Everyone has their different ways of putting a point across. The most important thing is that harsh or soft, there is always something for you to pick up. However, when it comes to the 'pastoral' issue, what advice would you give someone in your shoes. I think your answer to yourself will help you out a lot.

So much to say. I think she got the message. I wasn't blaming David, just surprised where he came out from out of the blues to deliver some deadly blows to someone already down! She admitted her faults. It is time to learn her lessons and get back.

In treating wounds, after the initial pain and all, I don't think you deliberately still use force to dress it?

In wound dressing, we still dress and UnCloth so that one na different painful story all together, infact the best way to stop bleeding is apply pressure to it, painful but works magic

Don't go medical analytical, me and you will not leave here today

An appeal to JeSoul the section moderator or Mukina2 if she sees this - if you could split out SoulDiva's aspect of the thread it may be better to deal with those issues separately and allow the 'main flow' of this thread to continue.

Jenny, I know you!  I won't dare.  But I am sure you know what I mean.

Love you all.

David, you have stayed long enough in Romance section, is it not time you bring that damsel home?

i was composing a rather long reply, but i decided against it.

@Davidylan and jenny, i appreciate your stokings,, i guess i need some me checks; i was not really looking for pats in the back but to get some honest sincere thots. I take the advise and believe me i will read through your post again; i need to see things from his own angle and get off my high horse. Thank you

@ Analytical and Serubawon, thank you for taking the soft path, i guess you both provided good landing before david's reality bites.

Thanks all

Debosky, I think so.  I actually would have suggested it when she first posted her story.  I think it should be on its own, but since the advice given were marriage related, I left it.

I didn't want to talk since before I come accross as being anti religious but I have a problem with this new brand of christainity where the church is more important than our relationship to God, family and our fellow human beings. You re more worried about ur ministry and church spirituality than u re about ur engagement and relationship with God. Tell your Pastor
simply that you need time for sober reflection, go to God and repent ask him directly for direction, you don't have to tell your pastor anything he is not your God, God is the one you owe, God is the one who directs you. Stop this silly my ministry my church my pastor thing no human being should have so much control over you, when Christ died and set us free and go to him directly ye
t we choose to be bound. You are not yourself you are not happy you live in a lonely glass house cos you choose to live a life to please pple when the only one you should aim to please is God.

Great thread

Daviddylan to souldiva. That was some strong talk but the truth from Souldiva's writes.

Pls can we activate this topic?

Pls come and share.

atutupoyo:

Pls can we activate this topic?

Pls come and share.

Topic is already activated. You need to contribute.

Married 9 years and still going strong.

There is no magic touch to marriage than to move closer to GOD.