“If she doesn’t scare the hell out of you a little,
she’s not the one”
At first glance, this might seem to be implying
that you need to only date emotionally unstable
people. But if you sit with it for a moment, it
takes on a whole other (and more important)
layer of meaning.
As much as mainstream media would prefer
you to think otherwise, the best relationships
are not all sunshine and roses.
Relationships are the ultimate vehicle for self-
growth… and the best kind of love that you can
engage in is the confronting kind. The kind
where your partner acts as a mirror to you and
they lovingly help pull all of your demons out of
you over time. They act as a catalyst for
positive growth.
They’ll point a flashlight into every corner of
your dark mental attic, and illuminate all of the
things that you try to hide from the world. And
they will illuminate it with love, patience, and
compassion. Just when you expect them to run
away (after having found out about your
deepest, darkest secrets), they’ll tell you that
they love you even more now that they know
more about you.
Intimacy is about truly letting someone see you.
It’s also anxiety producing for the vast majority
of people. Letting someone really know you,
and really see you, can be terrifying. You are
laying your heart in their hands and saying to
them “Please be gentle with this.” And if they’re
the right one for you, they will reply back
(verbally or non-verbally) “I wouldn’t dream of
ever being anything else to you.”
When I first started dating again after an
emotionally traumatic breakup, I was hesitant to
let anyone get close to me. I engaged in
surface level relationships because I feared the
anxiety that intimacy produced for me. Even
‘admitting’ that I’d had a difficult day was
enough to make my heart race.
In my emotional closure I didn’t think I would
ever be able to open up to someone ever again.
Until one fateful day when I met someone who
shook up my world entirely. Her eyes
penetrated through me. There was no hiding
around her. She never had to say it out loud,
but I knew that she saw me.
My ego’s first self-protective instinct was to run
away and revert back to my old unproductive
habits. Run away before she finds out all of the
messy things about your past. Push her away
before she has a chance to see past your self-
deceptions. Avoid any contact with her in case
she might make you feel big, scary emotions
again.
My ego resisted her every step of the way. I
told myself she wasn’t my usual type. I tried to
hide behind things like “She’s too young/
inexperienced/small town/etc. for me.” But it
was all bullshit. Every thought that tried to keep
me away from her was just my ego’s sad
excuse to stay closed down emotionally. It was
a defense mechanism and I knew it.
When I really started to show up and tell her
how I was feeling (namely, scared shitless to
even be around her) she received it with grace
and compassion. Because even before I had
verbalized it, she knew. She already saw me.
As terrifying as intimacy can be, the process of
holding up our demons in the light is deeply
therapeutic. Shame cannot continue to exist or
thrive in the loving context of a close intimate
relationship.
Was I fixed forever for having her met her? No.
It’s a process like everything else. I had to
repeatedly breathe into the deeper layers of
anxiety as I let myself be seen more and more
by her.
But I’ll be eternally grateful that I did meet her.
Because her scaring the hell out of me was my
ticket to a positive transformation that I never
could have anticipated.
So if you’re at a place in your life where you are
starting to see someone who challenges you,
confronts you, and scares you on some level,
take stock of whether or not you think they
might be a force for positive change in your
life.
Don’t date someone who scares you because
they are controlling, angry, violent, or abusive in
any way. That’s the bad kind of fear and it’s an
unhealthy relationship to engage in. But date
someone who scares you because they
encourage you to face all of the things you’ve
tried to suppress for so long. Date someone
who lovingly pushes you to become more who
you are at your core as a person. Date
someone who nudges you outside of your
comfort zone regularly and helps you level up in
life.
It might just be the best thing you ever did for
yourself.

This article was originally published at The
Good Men Project.

The poster after me wouldn't say much too.

Dear sir,
Is this an admonition, A prophecy or an Advise?


Willing student .

Yea...she scared me my doing another guy

All this story just to convince us to tell you that dating an underage geh is good ?? Pedophile oshi!!!!

Rubbish!!