) The secret about true love that will bring you back to reality.

I hate to break the news to you, but true love doesn’t exist.

In the book, Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, author Lori Gottlieb cites biological anthropologist Helen Fisher’s studies on the physiology of
.

“She found that when you feel that strong chemistry with someone, the brain system that becomes activated is the reward system, which is what also lights up when you reach for a piece of chocolate or cigarette or an amphetamine.” Gottlieb writes.

Fisher’s research shows with all the
dopamine floating around, it’s hard to realize that you’re simply experiencing a chemical state which can last anywhere from 18 months to 3 years.

“Fisher isn’t saying that chemistry isn’t important. It’s just that it helps to know that it might take time to develop.” Gottlieb writes.

To start looking for true love, know that you might be looking for compatibility – someone who you can grow with, a partner and a friend.

If you change your mindset about love, you’ll quickly let go of tingling love notions, passionate romances and breath-taking chance meetings.

While chemistry will cause your heart to flutter, compatibility will make for a meaningful lifetime relationship.

2) The more of these you have in common, the more compatible you will be.

I wanted to carve out this section on mindset to encourage you to be conscious of your mindset. Being more aware of this concept could change your entire approach towards dating and relationships.

Even those who are looking at the prospects of
arranged marriages can use this tool to determine if the person being introduced to them is the right person for them.

Life coach, Tim Brownson, talks a lot about value systems in life. You can use a set of
values to determine what makes you happy. Once you are clear on your values, then you can be uber-clear on your priorities.

Not only are values important to your life and your goals, but I’ve now come to believe this values-based approach can apply to every single area of your life, including relationships.

Determine what your core values in life are, ideally your top 3 or 4.

Do you value freedom the most? Do you value family? Independence? Love? Justice? Spirituality? Faith? Freedom? Compassion? Humility? Adventure? Loyalty?

Figure out what values you’re seeking for in a partner.

And I’m not talking about qualities like, “tall, hot and handsome.” Or someone who looks like Matthew Mcconaughey, Piercce Brosnan or George Clooney.

Or even qualities like, “I’m looking for someone who likes to water paint in the nude, rocks Bikram yoga or delights in gluten-free restaurants.” While you can consider shared interests and preferences (see my tips below), I’ve become a big proponent of a values based mindset to finding true love.

And the best part about this is that you get to do this now before going back out into the dating world. Doing this ahead of time and sober, allows you to be more conscious about your priorities, values and ideal
life partner.

And yes, you can pick up Tim’s book
here to understand your values and determine the values you’re looking for in a partner.

3) Too good to be true or good enough?

Often, and especially when you’re younger in life, you tend to have improbable expectations and a long list of traits you desire in your partner. But sometimes almost always “good enough” is all you need, which is exactly the journey author Lori Gottlieb had, as she’s written about in,
Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.

Dr. Michael Broder, a psychologist Gotlieb talks to, had this to say: “‘I hear all the time, ‘If I can’t have a guy who is this, that or the other thing, I’d rather be alone,’ he told me. So I say, ‘Okay, but be prepared to get your second choice. Because with that sense of entitlement, that’s what you’ll probably get: being alone’”.

Dr. Broder believes many people bring a sense of entitlement to dating, including the desire to be adored in a ‘fantasy’ way. People seem to be “looking for an idealized spiritual union instead of a realistic marital partnership.”

So, let’s cut out the fantasies, starry-eyed expectations and 200-item checklists. (That’s what my friend Janet did
here.)

Humans are imperfect, have shortcomings in different areas of their lives and make mistakes. Shocker! If you reduced the expectations, even cutting them down by half or a third, more people would become appealing to you.

4) Sailing to the same destination?

In Marry Him, the author relates the advice of matchmaker
Lisa Clampitt, who matches people like this: “Number one, I look at whether two people have common relationship goals. Number two, I look at values…”

The notion of a relationship goal in regards to your relationship is important. You have to know for yourself if you want kids, if you plan to stay at home or be the bread-winner.

Having a general idea of your relationship goals will help you find someone who shares those goals with you.

Talking about this in the initial rendezvous can avoid future misunderstandings and conflict.

5) The person who can truly complete you.

Never go into a relationship needing to feel whole, fulfilled or complete.

If you think that someone else will make you happy, you probably still believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and Cinderella.

If you’re over the age of 8, however, you know you can’t compensate for your happiness with or through someone else.

If you’re feeling needy, broken or incomplete, let me suggest an afternoon rerun of Dr. Phil or visiting a good therapist, instead of getting yourself a man!

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