I divorced my Camerounian husband in order to marry a Nigerian, but Nigerian men feel intimidated,
By ADA ONYEMA
Published: Saturday, 23 May 2009

You once worked with an orphanage. What was the experience?



Mercy Ebiyemi

That was actually the first job I did when I came back to Nigeria. Because of my Christian background, I wanted to be in a place where I will actually reach out to the downtrodden. It is another part of my life and it was a way I thought I could reach out to people that are less privileged than I am, and give back to the society. That was what the orphanage was doing. Actually, it is a lot of work. It is more than what people think it is. You must have the passion and the heart to work in the orphanage. Working there was heartbreaking. I was always emotional because we saw babies thrown away every day. It is not a job for somebody who is fainthearted. You really must have a calling into that ministry to be there. And for me, I didn‘t think I had a calling for it, which was basically why I left.

Any regrets?

No, I am a happy person. I don’t allow anybody to drag me down, and I don‘t drag myself down either. My people here will tell you, I am a solutions person, not a problem person. And if there is a problem, I don’t focus on it, because for every problem, there is a solution. I will always look for the solution, so I‘m a happy person.

One would expect that being a divorcee is something you regret.

Why? I think we have passed that stage.

How about the society that frowns at women staying alone?

In Nigeria today, more of our men are intimidated by the strength and power the women are getting. And you find that most single women are the ones that are striving and achieving so much. For that reason, stigma is bound to set in. But the truth is that we should not let it get to us. So, what is the big deal about being a single lady, living alone and doing well? I mean I‘m not living up to any man. I have a job of my own; a successful business. So, hey, I‘m an intimidation to my male counterpart. So in order for them to want to make me feel smaller than I am, they would begin to want to put me down. That is the way I look at it. So, truthfully, they don‘t get to me.

Do you think that when a marriage is not working out, either party should quit?

From a Christian standpoint, or from my own standpoint, do whatever makes you happy. That is my stand in life. If you are in a marriage and you are not happy, get out of it. There are marriages where men are bisexuals; get out of it. Marriage is not a do-or-die affair. Gone are the days when marriage was a do-or-die affair. A woman can be a president. She can be anything she thinks she wants to be. So we don‘t need to live in the fool’s paradise that we need to be under a man. Yes, I agree that if you are married, you respect your husband. But respect is reciprocal. If he does not respect you, how does he expect you to respect him?

So are you saying that marriage is a-50:50 thing?

It is a 50:50 thing. Marriage is give and take.

And the woman is not expected to give more than the…

No, it should be 50:50. Even the bible says that a man should love his wife like himself. If a man really loves himself, there is no way he would want to cheat his wife. There is no way he would want to beat his wife. There is no way he would want to put his wife down. Whatever is good for him, he would always consider it to be the best for his wife. So marriage should be 50:50 or 60:40, that is, the man should give more, because the Bible says that a man is the head, so he should give more. Most men say they are the head of the family. Sometimes they try to be egoistic about it. Truthfully, they are just being chauvinistic, and for me, I think it takes a small minded man to do things like that. Any man that is comfortable in his own skin would let his wife be whatever she wants to be. He would not be intimidated by it because he is comfortable with himself. If your wife is successful, you are also successful. Don‘t forget that she is using your name. So truthfully, I don‘t believe in a man saying that he is the head, so the woman should not even speak when he is around. Any man that puts a woman down, as far as I am concerned, is harsh.

Do you answer your husband’s name?

No, I bear my maiden name.

Why?

It‘s no longer a part of my life. It‘s over and gone, and I‘m done with it.

How long?

About 10 years ago.

Tell us about your educational background.

I did my primary and secondary school in Lagos after which I went to England, where I did my O’ Level and A’ Level. I went to Lancelot Tutors in Oxford. After that, I went to Southwest College in London where I had my B Tech Business and Finance. After that, I went to Southwest University where I did my ACCA in Accounting. After my education, I worked with British Telecom where I did my initial training as an accountant before I got my proper job with Alter Berkley in London. In 1992, I went to live in America. Actually, when I was in America, I combined my Masters and PhD in Theology, and I lived there for 10 years before coming back to Nigeria in 2001, and I have been here since then. When I got back to Nigeria, my first job was with an orphanage. I also had a stint with the television before I went to work with an insurance company for three years. I left and started my company called Service Basket Limited.

What is Service Basket all about?

Well, like the name implies, it is basket full of services. We are a recruitment consulting firm, office and home cleaning firm. We have what we call the home care for the elderly people in the privacy of their homes. We run errands. The home cleaning service was one of the things I did while I was in England. When I came back here, I decided to continue with that. It is a situation where people come and clean your homes, thereby saving you the headache of cleaning. You see loads of ladies at work complaining about their househelps. There are so many women who do not want househelps in their homes but they still want a clean home and they can‘t afford the time to clean it. But they can afford to have somebody come to clean it.

Do you consider Nigeria ripe for such business?

Yes, very ripe, because women are no longer housewives like they used to be. They don‘t even have time to pick up their kids from school let alone clean the home. So it is a way to help them organise their lives in a professional way, because majority of women these days are professionals and they want their homes to be organised. If you take the risk of getting an individual to do it, the cost will be higher. The response have been great. But there was the initial fear of insecurity in leaving their houses to strangers. But I just said to them, when you bring a house girl from the village, you don‘t even know where she is coming from, you don‘t know anything about the girl. Even the person that brought her could be a shady human being that you might not get to see again. Compare all that to a company. A company is here to stay. You don‘t even need to think twice; if anything goes wrong, you go straight to the company. It is a registered company with a professional outlook. So why not deal with a professional company? And the truth is that the people we are catering for are all professionals, so why will they deal with mediocres when they can deal with professionals. And to the glory of God, since we started, we have never had any incident of theft, because we take guarantors on them.

Why should anybody prefer home cleaning to having a househelp?

I have heard so many stories about househelps. Because we grew up with househelps, a lot of us thought it was part of our lives. We never thought there was an alternative to having a househelp. The beauty of having a home cleaning service is this: these are the people that will come into your house for just three hours, after which they leave your home. And you are not living with a stranger. In the case of househelps, they will always be a stranger. So if you want a good, united family life, take the home cleaning service. You don‘t have to have strangers in your home. It is also cheaper.

What was your childhood experience like?

I had fun growing up. It was fantastic. Nigeria was beautiful when I was growing up. I was born and bred in Surulere. Nigeria was a mini London. We had Leventis, UTC, Kingsway, Federal Palace Hotel to relax at the weekend, and you did not have to be rich to go to all these places. Everywhere was clean, not congested the way it is now. We had beautiful places to ride our bicycles. Life was fun. Those are some of the memories I have, which made me come back home. Nigeria was a beautiful place to live. So my growing up was happy, school was happy. You did not have to be rich. I went to a state school, for crying out loud, and in my school, we spoke perfect English. The kids in the so called private school then could not speak better English than us. In secondary school, we spoke good English. The English we spoke at that level, the university graduates today cannot speak it, and that actually breaks my heart. Then, we spoke Queen‘s English. But today, I don‘t know what is happening. I really feel sorry for the kids of today. My mum was a standard six holder, but when she speaks English, you better know what you are talking about. They were well groomed and they passed that on to us. I don‘t know why we are failing our children. They speak bad English, they dress badly, and do everything bad. And we grew up as principled people. Our parents were principled. We learnt culture and manners. The kids of today don‘t have all that. So my childhood was fantastic. I would not trade it for anything.

What do you think was responsible for the current failures?

I wish I knew. I don‘t really know what went wrong.

What is your own idea of style?

Style is whatever you feel comfortable in.

Are you fulfilled?

No.

Why?

Because I want to see my nation change back to what it used to be. I believe so much in this country. This country has a lot of potentials that are yet to be explored. The only way I will be fulfilled is to see a Nigeria of old, a Nigeria that has pride, value, class; not the Nigeria that we are tearing apart now, that is full of criminals and evil leaders. Our leaders of old were honest and focused people, but today, everything is about money, money, money. And truthfully, that is not what life is all about. Life is about being happy doing what you are doing. But a lot of people do things because of money; that is what motivates the average Nigerian. I want us to get back to those values that we used to have. That is what will make me fulfilled.

How do you unwind? Or is it business all the time?

No. I swim every morning. I hang out with my friends a lot in the evenings.

Supposing he comes back,

My ex?

Yes

No, he is not going to come back. He is not a Nigerian, so he is not going to come back. You think foreign men are like Nigerian men? No. Foreign men are very definite. When they say it‘s over, it‘s over and there is no going back. For us to call it quits, that means we sat down and looked at all the odds and we knew why we could not continue.

Why did you call it quits?

So many reasons. I don’t want to go into them.

You…

No, no, no. He is a Camerounian. Oh my God! If I should think about it, I would think I was a bad person, not him. The truth is I wanted to marry a Nigerian.

Was that why you call it quits?

Yes, that was why I called it quits, and I had to be blunt. Three years into the marriage, I just felt I didn‘t want to marry a foreigner; I want to marry a Nigerian. I don’t want to go and live in a foreign country. That was my primary reason, and all my friends in America would tell you that. Louis was a nice person. He really was. He would give the world for me.

And yet you left him?

I did. I‘m not going to lie about it. But it was about me being happy, and he knew I wasn‘t happy. Like he said, he would do anything to make me happy, and the only thing that would make happy was to call it quits.

And now?

I‘m seeing Nigerian men. I mean my own people.

So what are you waiting for?

I’m yet to meet my own person. What I found out with our Nigerian men is that most of them are intimidated. I am an independent Americana, a westernised woman. And not only westernised, even educated. You know they are intimidated. So that is the dilemma at hand. So unfortunately, I am a wild one. I‘m not ready to bend over. I‘m not ready to be what I‘m not for anybody. It is either you take me the way I am, or you hit the road.

http://www.punchng.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art20090523823993

Comments:


* @’How do you Unwind’ swimming every morning and hanging out With friends in the evening, what an odd ways to have fun, in the morning when the atmospheric temperature is far below normal body system, your swimming, number two, in the night don’t use evening, you go about your nocturnal undertaking. Do you think you can live with a man in Nigeria with this type of game your playing calling it life. my advice is get born again and all things shall be fulfilled for ya!!!!!!!

Posted by: Obi One Million , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* I haven't seen any Nigerian lady commenting and supporting this lady, It shows shes on her own o! She needs to go back to her western world, Ummh shes not ready to bend over she wants to be on top, na wa o!

Posted by: lola , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* Mass media should be a forum for dissemination of instructive, entertaining and educative materials. I don't know why Punch of all national newspapers will give Mercy Ebiyemi an audience of this magnitude. She's not a role model and a good example of womanhood. She divorced her Cameroonian husband for the fun of it? A good Nigerian will prefer to endure than to bear her father's name. That's our culture and what makes us the happiest nation in the world. Mercy Eluyemi, please be wise next time.

Posted by: Olufemi Oyedele, London, UK , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* I am really disappointed that such interview that is devoid of any intellectual and moral content can be published in a leading newspaper like punch.Be that as it may,there is absolutely nothing to intimidate an average Nigerian man about this so called WESTERNIZED woman.There are thousands of Nigerian women that have better education from more prestigious schools like havard,oxford,cambridge,yale etc and are happily married.she is an empty barrel

Posted by: ajayi adetayo , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* Who cares about this lady. she talks too much. am married to a british, my wife is white, educated and works with d biggest bank in d world as a branch manager. but yet bc she loves me, she had to adapt to my cultures and tradition. I am not a poor man myself and i dont care about women who think they r too rich or too educated to let their husband be in charge. let this fool continue her braggin, truth is every man needs a woman and every woman needs a man, ANIMAL

Posted by: 9ja boi , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* Management of punch please make sure she reads all this.

Posted by: Osazee , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* Punch should help her with this advert instead of wasting time interviewing her.A divorcee, westernized independent nigerian lady,educated,wild, not ready to bend over and not ready to be what she is not for anybody, is looking for a nigerian man.Lets see if there is any sensible nigerian that will respond to the advert.

Posted by: sunny , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* this woman sucks, she must have learnt all this rubbish from her mother, i dont even know what punch wants us to gain from this useless story, A SELFISH AND SHAMELESS WOMAN

Posted by: Lanre Briggs , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* I read this page with interest and I guess if she has sounded pathetic About negligence of female gender in Nigeria and as well use this same medium to Advertise her self, I bet you, she could have made headline because I my self Might have considered making a trial. but she showed inexperience, arrogance, this kind of woman can even Jail a man.

Posted by: Dele Davis , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* Madame sophistication, assuming you have four girls at home, what good example or role model Will you be to them, ok they should leave their respective married homes at least Of provocation or difference between them and their husband, so that you run Girls brigade, your utterances and word justification piss me off, better go back to That Cameroon man you dumped because no Nigerian man be even price you again, you have a tag already

Posted by: Morju , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* This lady is an Idiot. Where did PUNCH get her from? Does she at have any idea about what politics has ever being in Nigeria? Where does she come from? Where is she heading to? Look at her accademic background or CV. What a desaster! At the end of the day, she´s back here to be cleaning homes while claiming she´s americana. Americana my ash! Lady please forget not that healthy men want and adore women with confident but the arrogant idiots are not wanted. They just kick their ass.

Posted by: Kachi. N (Germany) , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* Walaihi Musa, I concur with you, she is and will be a bad example to other women , such a Lady must not be allowed to run an NGO for women liberalization, she is living\in the realm of western world, imagine her utterances, her marriage didn’t work out because she is Exercising powers, success of her educational acquaintance, believe me, no Nigerian man will take this shit except those lazy ones that prefer to lick a, s, live like this all the days of your life or bind to our culture.

Posted by: Richard , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* @Basharu Musa, u dey vex o! I'm just cracking my ribs. She looks like a sincere and an open person who puts her happiness above that of others'. She's a 'me, me, me' type of person who can hardly make sacrifices unless those sacrifices are in her own personal interest. So, after ten years she called it quits she's yet to find the so called Nigerian man, na wa o! Doesn't it mean she didn't know what she wanted from the outset or was wool pulled over her eyes?

Posted by: Kingsley Ogbuji, TX, U.S.A , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

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* The truth is that she is a spoilt brat from childhood, an ajebo par excellence. Born to be arrogant and regrate it when age really takes it's tole on her. Unfortunately there are lot's of them like this, that uses the word freedom and gender equality to pollute the minds of descent women in the society. There are lots of marriages where women are richer than their hubys and they are happily leaving 2gether. Pls, punch shy away from placing such xters on ur paper they are bad examples to society.

Posted by: Basharu Musa , on Saturday, May 23, 2009

Uhm

some of the questions were daft!

One would expect that being a divorcee is something you regret.

going by the comments it seems being honest and independent is a bad thing in nigeria
you cant tell people your mind especially as a woman you must conform to society or be a maid forever!

_{seems nigerian girls hate newspapers! i've never seen a female comment on punch!}

Dis Guy:

some of the questions were daft!

most people would regret divorcing dont you think?
did you notice the woman mentioned her christianity and theology degree too?

yea but its been 10years she must have moved on and she did mention

No, no, no. He is a Camerounian. Oh my God! If I should think about it, I would think I was a bad person, not him. The truth is I wanted to marry a Nigerian.

_{unfortunately I don't know what Christianity say about divorce}

Dis Guy:

some of the questions were daft!



going by the comments it seems being honest and independent is a bad thing in nigeria
you cant tell people your mind especially as a woman you must conform to society or be a maid forever!

_{[size=18pt]seems nigerian girls hate newspapers! i've never seen a female comment on punch![/size]}

you need help. where are you from?

owerri

well I just wanted to know their opinion on what she is saying

This story 2 long.abeg make una help me summarise

boy1:

This story 2 long.abeg make una help me summarise

will oblige next year

Nigeria was beautiful when I was growing up. I was born and bred in Surulere. Nigeria was a mini London. We had Leventis, UTC, Kingsway, Federal Palace Hotel to relax at the weekend, and you did not have to be rich to go to all these places. Everywhere was clean, not congested the way it is now. We had beautiful places to ride our bicycles. Life was fun. Those are some of the memories I have, which made me come back home. Nigeria was a beautiful place to live. So my growing up was happy, school was happy. You did not have to be rich. I went to a state school, for crying out loud, and in my school, we spoke perfect English. The kids in the so called private school then could not speak better English than us. In secondary school, we spoke good English. The English we spoke at that level, the university graduates today cannot speak it, and that actually breaks my heart. Then, we spoke Queen‘s English. But today, I don‘t know what is happening. I really feel sorry for the kids of today. My mum was a standard six holder, but when she speaks English, you better know what you are talking about. They were well groomed and they passed that on to us. I don‘t know why we are failing our children. They speak bad English, they dress badly, and do everything bad. And we grew up as principled people. Our parents were principled. We learnt culture and manners. The kids of today don‘t have all that. So my childhood was fantastic. I would not trade it for anything.

eeyah- this is a Nigeria many Nairalanders know nothing about.

Too sad.

tpiah:


eeyah- this is a Nigeria many Nairalanders know nothing about.

Too sad.

very sad indeed.

u be mam arugbo abi? na una go those kind schools.

when i tell people we grew up in a better atmosphere than the anarchy we have now even in villages they think mobile phone and television is progress

JJYOU:

very sad indeed.

u be mam arugbo abi? na una go those kind schools.

when i tell people we grew up in a better atmosphere than the anarchy we have now even in villages they think mobile phone and television is progress

which kind schools? And how old is the lady that someone has to be mam arugbo to remember such schools?

Not every school in Nigeria is of the type featured so frequently on Nairaland.

while I sympathize with those who had to attend broken down schools with no roof or windows, I cant curse others for not doing the same.

That would be like cursing Americans for being developed.

The most I can do is give some time and money towards renovating somewhere that's brought to my attention, but I cant change the past.

tpiah:



which kind schools? And how old is the lady that someone has to be mam arugbo to remember such schools?

Not every school in Nigeria is of the type featured so frequently on Nairaland.

while I sympathize with those who had to attend broken down schools with no roof or windows, I cant curse others for not doing the same.

That would be like cursing Americans for being developed.

The most I can do is give some time and money towards renovating somewhere that's brought to my attention, but I cant change the past.

my primary in the early 70's had redifusion radio in every class and some tree near the toilet so you dont miss out on anything. we had running taps too.

we  had brilliant time.

talking about age that woman no be your mate i beg talk something else. we know say u old but u never reach here

JJYOU:

my primary in the early 70's had redifusion radio in every class and some tree near the toilet so you dont miss out on anything. we had running taps too.

we  had brilliant time.

talking about age that woman no be your mate i beg talk something else. we know say u old but u never reach here

na you sabi oh- I old pass am.

she looks pretty anyway.

the schools I attended had running water when I was there. Thats how we cooled off after cutting the grass mowing the lawn.

It was fun sha. We used to compete to see who had the green thumb aka neatest plot. Another time, each class had a garden where we planted things. Luckily then, my dad had bags of fertilizer stacked around from a relative's farming venture, so I took some to school and used it.

Well, like the name implies, it is basket full of services. We are a recruitment consulting firm, office and home cleaning firm. We have what we call the home care for the elderly people in the privacy of their homes. We run errands. The home cleaning service was one of the things I did while I was in England. When I came back here, I decided to continue with that. It is a situation where people come and clean your homes, thereby saving you the headache of cleaning. You see loads of ladies at work complaining about their househelps. There are so many women who do not want househelps in their homes but they still want a clean home and they can‘t afford the time to clean it. But they can afford to have somebody come to clean it.

smart woman.

tpiah:

na you sabi oh- I old pass am.

she looks pretty anyway. @ courtesy adobe photoshop and corel

the schools I attended had running water when I was there. Thats how we cooled off after cutting the grass mowing the lawn.

It was fun sha. We used to compete to see who had the green thumb aka neatest plot. Another time, each class had a garden where we planted things. Luckily then, my dad had bags of fertilizer stacked around from a relative's farming venture, so I took some to school and used it.










smart woman.

chei that was cheating big time. so you started this early nawao

JJYOU:

@ courtesy adobe photoshop and corel

whatever.

Name anyone you admire and whose photo you see all the time.

Did they say they dont use photoshop and corel?

tpiah:

whatever.

Name anyone you admire and whose photo you see all the time.

Did they say they dont use photoshop and corel?

whatever! why whatever tpia?

Dis Guy:

_{^^ see awon aunti wa ^^^ *run comot!}

I do hope you're not referring to me?


I already told your brother you people should go find your aunties at Tarkwa bay.

I dont have vagrant relatives so stop embarassing me with these forced associations plz!

You don't have to be that old to know Leventis, Federal Palace now . I even got lost in Federal Palace Hotel one night like that, only God saved my life. I remember one leventis supermarket at Akerele sef in Surulere.

@topic

It's your life jare.

"You did not have to be rich. I went to a state school, for crying out loud, and in my school, we spoke perfect English. The kids in the so called private school then could not speak better English than us. In secondary school, we spoke good English. The English we spoke at that level, the university graduates today cannot speak it, and that actually breaks my heart. Then, we spoke Queen's English."

Only in nigeria do people speak 4 english, Queen's, Perfect and Better and Good English, may be the good lord safe us

Builder:

"You did not have to be rich. I went to a state school, for crying out loud, and in my school, we spoke perfect English. The kids in the so called private school then could not speak better English than us. In secondary school, we spoke good English. The English we spoke at that level, the university graduates today cannot speak it, and that actually breaks my heart. Then, we spoke Queen's English."

Only in nigeria do people speak 4 english, Queen's, Perfect and Better and Good English, may be the good lord safe us

did you see the graduate who cant spell graduate thread?

btw

JJYOU:

chei that was cheating big time. so you started this early nawao

it wasnt cheating because the teacher was aware (she told me how to use it), and it was a class project.

Builder:


Only in nigeria do people speak 4 english, Queen's, Perfect and Better and Good English, may be the good lord safe us

not only in Nigeria.

and yes, there are different kinds of English.

tpiah:

btw


it wasnt cheating because the teacher was aware (she told me how to use it), and it was a class project.

ok you are forgiven.

Because I want to see my nation change back to what it used to be.

A country where women were 2nd class? A predominantly rural country?

One should strive to move forward and not go back.

"You did not have to be rich. I went to a state school, for crying out loud, and in my school, we spoke perfect English. The kids in the so called private school then could not speak better English than us. In secondary school, we spoke good English. The English we spoke at that level, the university graduates today cannot speak it, and that actually breaks my heart. Then, we spoke Queen's English."

go to zenith bank and request a check for your perfect english. You think bill gates or Saudi princes are losing sleep over not speaking queen english?

It is obvious why this woman is unable to stay in her marriage. what a load of rubbish!

She needs a younger man who would wash her panties.

honeric01:

She needs a younger man who would wash her panties.

Chei!!! This woman is in trouble. She really needs to mellow, otherwise,

@Glotes
what else is left for her to see? which one bi the otherwise? after all Ita Giwa dey do am