You see, my grandmother is 81 and every time we speak on the phone the conversation ends with something along the lines of ‘ma fe Igbo, ma fe oyinbo oh’, meaning ‘Don’t marry an Igbo man, Don’t marry a ‘white’ man oh’ which right after my father gives me that side eye of ‘you should probably listen to your grandmother’. I love my family to pieces and I would do anything for them but when it comes to choosing your family and your happiness I often wonder where to place the limits? It is very blurry! Now before anybody accuses my family members of racial and tribal prejudices, I know it is wrong and I uphold a different opinion but many of our old generation parents’ fall into this category no matter how educated they are. There are also arguments of wanting to preserve the cultural heritage, to language barriers and other baseless stereotypes and generalisations that have infiltrated our minds about other cultures.
My first crush in Secondary School was an Igbo boy. Often, my mother would also give me that disapproving look of ‘you are just deceiving yourself’ whenever she questions who I’m talking to on the phone. Then, I really liked this boy and I was more than convinced I would have to put up a fight my parents if need be to marry this boy. But we all know how puppy love story ends.
I like to think there are levels to this issue of parental discrimination and consent. While I can possibly get away with choices outside my race and ethnicity, I cannot predict the same outcome for someone outside my faith. Infact, I don’t have to question it, I just know not to fall in love with my eyes closed.
Tackling such parental prejudice is very difficult as it is one of those cases of being between a rock and a hard place… especially where feelings are involved. And we all know that ‘love’ is a scarce commodity in today’s market, so what exactly are your choices? Concur? Elope? Or be disowned? I asked my brother about this hypothetical situation and he says he would not elope with a lover. He further adds that you can only elope when you are 100 percent certain with your choice. But, there are no guarantees with love. We can only hope that we figure it out somehow till end. I share a similar opinion too. I would not tell my parents ‘go to hell’ with my attitude over their biases. I would defend my truth within reason, and put up a good fight for it till they concede.
A friend’s argument as we discussed a certain Caucasian guy was justified by the Christian faith. A section in the Bible had written that Abraham ‘specifically’ instructed his servant to go to his home town and choose a wife for his son, Isaac. In his words, ‘there is a reason these stories were told, therefore it is still applicable today’. I also stumbled on an interesting Bible verse that says “So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.“
It was quite difficult for me to understand, but Bible scholars say it means that it is the father’s duty to have the final say whom his sons and daughters may or may not marry. This shares a similarity with the Muslim faith as I read: that it is not permissible for a man to marry a woman without the permission of her parents/guardians. Till date, there is still a massive overlap in what we accept as religious and what stands as cultural, and in a subject as sensitive as marriage, the interplay between both ideals is obvious.
Prejudice is something we learn in different ways particularly within the context of intimacy – family relationships are intimate relationships and most children feel an obligation of loyalty to uphold parental beliefs. Conversely, such biased beliefs does not make people inherently bad but life experiences and cultural ideals make people more susceptible to flawed reasoning. I read somewhere that many African American families still object to interracial marriages which is not surprising given their history of slavery and racism. Yet, this is also another form of racism.
Tribalism on the other hand, ranks as one of the top problems in Nigeria, and it will be deceptive of me to say this problem will end any time soon. However, we can talk about it, re-educate ourselves and make up our minds not to raise our children with such flawed ideologies.
Now I throw it to Nairalanders would you marry outside parental consent either on tribal, racial, or religious grounds, and if you’ve ever rebelled, let’s hear your story.

These our parents no dey try at all.

I'll share my own story.

I always knew it would be a problem for me to get married bearing in mind the kind of family I come from , not only because of their religious or tribal bias which I don't share with them but also because they want their children to get married to someone from a high social status. Let me give you a run down of my family , my father is an accountant who got his first degree from the University of London and a Masters from the the University of Lagos , my mother has her NCE from a college of education here in Nigeria. I have two other siblings ( older ones ) who according to my father are his proper kids cos they towed the line he laid down for them , my oldest sibling , a girl is a Ph.D holder and a lecturer , married to a Medical consultant ( Head of CTSU in LUTH ) and my older brother is a motivational speaker cum consultant , he has a Masters from the University of Aberdeen and a B.Eng from ABU. Both are married to Yoruba partners ( My tribe ). My mother is deeply religious and a deaconess in her church but she's highly tribalistic ( if there's such a word ) , not wanting her children to marry Igbos nor have anything to do with them. Sadly I do not share her stance and I don't see a reason not to marry from any tribe I want , I'm also irreligious and I don't frankly believe in the notion of God , I don't have any qualms marrying from any tribe or religious denomination as long as I love my wife.

Some of them see what you can't see at the moment because you might be blinded by love. But if you trust your spouse and the genuine love is there you can go for your hearth . Like I said not all parents are wrong

There's a limit to what you can decide or choose for your children. The very first girl I brought home to introduce to my parents was an Igbo lady , a very lovely lady but sadly it was not to be cos my parents stood their grounds that I would never marry an Igbo lady as long as they live , it still may have worked out but she also didn't get support from her parents as well and we had to end it as both families seemed not to want the other. After her I brought another lady , a Yoruba this time around , but my parents still didn't accede to my choice cos she , according to them , is from a family with a lowly status ( her parents are illiterates ).

My last girl friend , a very nice and lovely lady , was also rejected cos she was previously married ( a divorcee ) , she was in an unproductive marriage and when she saw the marriage wasn't heading anywhere she opted out of the marriage , and no she isn't an old wizened lady ( I'm at least six years older than her and I'm in my late 30's ) nor does she have an unpleasant attitude. The thing is parents should let their kids choose who ever they want to marry , they can advise but they must not force their choice on their wards.

Nice write up prettydynamic.

You see, the answer to this is very simple.
If it's the 'real love' i know, there is no racism, tribalism or cultural discrimination in love.



It shows that parents who do this, truly don't know how love works sometimes because love is not really a physical thin.
While some just do this because of what they have heard, feel or seen in the past, thereby using the past of others to judge their own childrens future.

Brethren, this things ought not be so...

Though they are right at times with the tribe thingy. I strongly believe the way to go about this is through dialogue and having rational heart to heart talks with your folks and not being Sturbon or forming "over sabi" for your parents. There's no doubt that every Nigerian tribe has this unique "negative" associated with them which are quite true. But then show me a perfect person anywhere in the world. Certainly none! Inasmuch as I totally agree with the importance of parental blessings in our relationships, I've also come to realize that bulk of the work lies in the hands of the boy and the girl. "I accept that my people are regarded as dirty and I accept that your people as known to be cheats, but I have decided t be with you for the rest of my life because I know you are different. I will change if need be for your sake and be ready to change if need be for me to". If they can say these words and stand by each other an keep to these promise, that's all. Every parent wants happiness for h children, therefore should let them be with who they'd be happy with.