Happy New Year People!

Four (4) years of marriage and I have been asking myself... I probably did wrong by marrying her. All I get now is insults like bastard, idiot, immature short man, etc...I have also been assaulted physically. Strangely, I have never raised my hands against her. Maybe am a weakling like she says...maybe!

My crime? Not sure...ranges from telling her things she does that are very wrong. Okay, a bit of our backgrounds....am 33, she's 29; we have a beautiful 3yr old girl. I work while she declined saying she would rather go into business. In summary, I got a loan to set her up, now she runs a fashion shop where she sells women beauty products(makeup, beads), wedding gowns etc.

Issues: She curses and hits the assistant (some refer to them as maids) at the slightest opportunity, now being from a very humble background; i show respect and love as much as i can to everyone. She will make them do the house chores from morning till night and you wonder how big a 3bedroom apartment is; most of the girls left after one or two months since they couldn't stand the constant torture and torment. I have had to step in on most occasions; especially when am back from work and someone is still cleaning some window and they haven't eaten all day. In her usual mannerisms, she says there must be more to my standing up for them...always insinuating that I probably am having an affair. She changes them also, for reasons that varies from not liking the way she looks to not answering her when she calls them. She recently got a cousin of hers from the village recently and while the move made sense to me since we can help her with better education and morally upright life; my wife's attitude wouldn't give it a rest. She hits this 10yr old constantly and makes her go through the same routine like the previous assistants. I had enrolled the 10 yr old girl in the same school with our child (to the chagrin of madam); even though the move set me back by almost 300k; I was just happy that she will be learning. To my horror, th school headmistress called me close to the end of last term about the constant absence of this child, I confronted my wife who denied it. On a work and school day, I decided to come home unannounced, only to see this 10yr old washing some clothes. I was very angry and confronted my wife who said the school had finished exams and were not doing anything meaningful, and my question was, why allow our baby there then?

She's very fat. Even though our baby is 3+, wifey still looks like she's 8months pregnant. Simple eating habits are not practiced, she eats late into the night daily and really does consume large doses. Even though am 4yrs older, she looks way older than I am. I reckon its due to her bad eating habits.

We are both graduates, while I have a masters degree and just rounded up an MBA with some other professional qualifications on the side; she isn't interested in furthering her education. The business that was setup with huge funds over 2yrs ago hasnt turned in a single dime. That is inspite of me solely bearing the loan repayments, salaries of the sales girls and the previous assistants at home...and am wondering what have i gotten myself into.

Lastly, she wouldn't go to church, wouldn't pray with me, wouldn't read or do anything meaningful but tell me how her friends are been taken care of by their hubbies. Constantly on FB, Instagram, 2go, Twitter and even Nairaland.I hope she sees this!

Am wondering, how exactly do i resolve this litany of issues. Divorce isnt an option, talking to her family to intervene isnt an option either as I don't want third parties in our home. It just breaks me...she is very different from the girl i married.

Lalasticlala

Go nd call her here, i need to hear her own side of the story before i pass my judgement.

We all know leopards can't change their spots. Your cross, carry it.

I don't pity people like you, you probably left a good girl heart broken and devil decided to punish you with this, bear it till death man, she is not going to change, that's the real her. Didn't you notice all this before marriage?

Marriage is not by FORCE or by FIRE!!!! Would you rather be Single ALIVE or Married DEAD?
How short are you, actually? (Nah joke I dey play o).

eightsin:
Lalasticlala

No. I rather the mature people in this section advises me. I dont need the publicity and sometime skewed comments that go with frontpage.

drdrei09:
Go nd call her here, i need to hear her own side of the story before i pass my judgement.

Your judgement? lol...dont worry. Suggestions on how to handle this situation better will pass and not your unwanted judgement.

bigiyaro:
We all know leopards can't change their spots. Your cross, carry it.

Yeah right.

robedu:
I don't pity people like you, you probably left a good girl heart broken and devil decided to punish you with this, bear it till death man, she is not going to change, that's the real her. Didn't you notice all this before marriage?

I wasn't looking for your pity. Not sure i dated so many girls whilst single. Quite unlikely, I broke any girls heart without a good reason. Marriage has its own pleasant times...am not just having a good time. And No... I didnt notice this before marriage, would you have?

Lexusgs430:
Marriage is not by FORCE or by FIRE!!!! Would you rather be Single ALIVE or Married DEAD?
How short are you, actually? (Nah joke I dey play o).

I did rather be Married Alive. Am 5.8ft, we have same height.

You brought my case to nairaland abi? It has be for you 2day!

Welder:


No. I rather the mature people in this section advises me. I dont need the publicity and sometime skewed comments that go with frontpage.



Your judgement? lol...dont worry. Suggestions on how to handle this situation better will pass and not your unwanted judgement.



Yeah right.



I wasn't looking for your pity. Not sure i dated so many girls whilst single. Quite unlikely, I broke any girls heart without a good reason. Marriage has its own pleasant times...am not just having a good time. And No... I didnt notice this before marriage, would you have?



I did rather be Married Alive. Am 5.8ft, we have same height.

5'8 is tall enough, how come she calls you short man? The writings are already on the wall. If you do not want direct family intervention, have you looked into seeking a therapist (both of you attending)?
It's either you keep suffering and keep persevering or you call in the lies (sorry meant lawyers).

Mr Man,

I feel bad for you, but may be your wife is right about you being weak. You shouldn't have let things get this bad before taking some drastic actions.

Don't get too worked up with her behavior, just go about doing your own thing. First and foremost, do not invest a dime in that business anymore. Just tell her you are servicing a loan and cannot continue to invest in a business that produces no return. No more money for her. This is not punishment, it is just a pure business decision.

Stop correcting her, just let her do her own thing. If she wants to kill her maids, let her kill them, she will be arrested.

She has a right not to further her education so I do not consider that a serious issue - you can't force her. As per her weight, well I guess she doesn't look very beautiful any longer. When it's time for sex, just imagine you are doing it with Kim K and make sure you put the lights off!

You need some sanity, spend more time with family and friends and even your work if need be and focus less on her. You can report her to her family next time she insults or attacks you, so that they know what is happening.

But you need to be more assertive and be in charge!

try nice outdoors far frm home n discuss issues freely

Dear Welder,

I was deeply moved by your write-up. We only have your side of the story but you seem to be a good and gentle spirit. Please do not allow your marriage to change it. How I wish your wife could appreciate it and maybe it is possible.

Why did you marry her in the first place? You wrote that she is not the same person you married so what qualities did you see in her before she changed?

hmmmmm, OP, are u a man? are you Nigerian, as in like a typical Nigerian man? what planet are you from?

SexyStrawberry:
hmmmmm, OP, are u a man? are you Nigerian, as in like a typical Nigerian man? what planet are you from?

What is a man like? What is a Nigerian man like? Are you saying he is not a man?

TooNoisy:
Mr Man,

I feel bad for you, but may be your wife is right about you being weak. You shouldn't have let things get this bad before taking some drastic actions.

Don't get to worked up with her behavior, just go about doing your own thing. First anf foremost, do not invest a dime in that business anymore. Just tell her you are servicing a loan and cannot continue to invest in a business that produces no return. No more money for her. This is not punishment, it is just a pure business decision.

Stop correcting her, just let her do her own thing. If she wants to kill her maids, let her kill them, she will be arrested.

She has a right not to further her education so I do not consider that a serious issue - you can't force her. As per her weight, well I guess she doesn't look very beautiful any longer. When it's time for sex, just imagine you are doing it with Kim K and make sure you put the lights off!

You need some sanity, spend more time with family and friends and even your work if need be and focus less on her. You can report her to her family next time she insults or attacks you, so that they know what is happening.

But you need to be more assertive and be in charge!

No, she is not right and he is not weak. It takes a lot of strength to remain as composed as he is under these circumstances and he shouldn't change his wonderful qualities an d behave like a bastard just because his wife behaves bitchy.

Mindfulness:


What is a man like? What is a Nigerian man like? Are you saying he is not a man?

Typical Nigerian man for don marry another woman put on top of her head or have numerous mistresses wey go make the wife sit up by fire by force! On what grounds should she be insulting a man she calls her husband? It's coz she has no competitor

How does bringing other women into the mix make for a better approach?

SexyStrawberry:


Typical Nigerian man for don marry another woman put on top of her head or have numerous mistresses wey go make the wife sit up by fire by force! On what grounds should she be insulting a man she calls her husband? It's coz she has no competitor

SexyStrawberry:


Typical Nigerian man for don marry another woman put on top of her head or have numerous mistresses wey go make the wife sit up by fire by force! On what grounds should she be insulting a man she calls her husband? It's coz she has no competitor

There is no need to insinuate that he is not man enough. He seems to have beautiful character traits so the wife must change and not the husband.

A sane woman would appreciate him. I hope she will read it and understand that she shouldn't take him for granted because a marriage is not a guarantee and a good man will have no problem replacing her with a woman who knows to appreciate him.

SexyStrawberry:


Typical Nigerian man for don marry another woman put on top of her head or have numerous mistresses wey go make the wife sit up by fire by force! On what grounds should she be insulting a man she calls her husband? It's coz she has no competitor

There is no need to insinuate that he is not man enough. He seems to have beautiful character traits so the wife must change and not the husband.

A sane woman would appreciate him. I hope she will read it and understand that she shouldn't take him for granted because a marriage is not a guarantee and a good man will have no problem replacing her with a woman who knows how to appreciate him.

nwarosa:
His does bringing other women into the mix make for a better approach?

Thank you.

This is how GOOD men end up being azzholes.

Mindfulness:


No, she is not right and he is not weak. It takes a lot of strength to remain as composed as he is under these circumstances and he shouldn't change his wonderful qualities an d behave like a bastard just because his wife behaves bitchy.

I did not say he should act like a bastaard, I only said he should be able to stand up and defend himself and take action that shows he should be respected. The woman is just taking advantage of him because she knows he would just keep quiet.

Leadership is not always about keeping quiet and tolerating all manners of behaviour. He should sit with his wife and clearly communicate his expectations from her. Some things are basic and the minimal expectations from a wife. If she fails to meet these expectations there will be consequences.

I gave an example of the business. He should immediately stop investing in her stupid business. Can you continue to invest in a business that gives zero return? You don't need to be a bastard to stop, it's a simple business decision to make.

As per the physical and verbal abuse, you just tell her the next time she hits you, you will get police or touts to throw her stuff out of your house. Just tell her with a serious face and you will see her change. And if she doesn’t, just do as you have said.

You need to be tough sometimes to be a good leader, CEO, husband father etc. You shouldn't always be docile in every situation!

This is deep.
OP I don't wanto agree with ur wife that u are weak but I think u are too soft. Is it until ur wife kills another woman's child in ur home that u put ur foot down as a man. Imagine using a 10yr old as house help and maltreating her.
Ur wife's ultimate goal in life is Marriage, which she has achieved. U need to be the Head of ur home, stop encouraging her, u've done well by setting a biz for her, stop paying for d shop rent, stop paying her house maids, stop paying her salesgirl. Why won't she get fat n lazy when she does nothing. Sit her down and talk to her like the Man u are. Women like ds send men to early grave if de are not careful.
Like some1 above said it's better to be alive single/divorced than dead married.

TooNoisy:


I did not say he should act like a bastaard, I only said he should be able to stand up and defend himself and take action that shows he should be respected. The woman is just taking advantage of him because she knows he would just keep quiet.

Leadership is not always about keeping quiet and tolerating all manners of behaviour. He should sit with his wife and clearly communicate his expectations from her. Some things are basic and the minimal expectations from a wife. If she fails to meet these expectations there will be consequences.

I gave an example of the business. He should immediately stop investing in her stupid business. Can you continue to invest in a business that gives zero return? You don't need to be a bastard to stop, it's a simple business decision to make.

As per the physical and verbal abuse, you just tell her the next time she hits you, you will get police or touts to throw her stuff out of your house. Just tell her with a serious face and you will see her change. And if she doesn’t, just do as you have said.

You need to be tough sometimes to be a good leader, CEO, husband father etc. You shouldn't always be docile in every situation!

You have given him some very very good advice and I am sorry I selectively picked on the first statement. It annoys me when people mistaken kindness for weakness. As for the rest, I agree with you. He should not allow anybody to walk all over him.

Have a beautiful Sunday.

robedu:
I don't pity people like you, you probably left a good girl heart broken and devil decided to punish you with this, bear it till death man, she is not going to change, that's the real her. Didn't you notice all this before marriage?

why ar u like this? Do u av IQ at all?

robedu:
I don't pity people like you, you probably left a good girl heart broken and devil decided to punish you with this, bear it till death man, she is not going to change, that's the real her. Didn't you notice all this before marriage?

Who hurt you?

Is there anything you want to talk about love?

Thank you all so much for your comments. I really do appreciate them.

Coming from a polygamous home myself, I don't intend chasing any other woman. I don't even have the strength for the drama. I just wish this could be better. I guess her knowledge of my dedication to this union gives her the impetus to continuously disrespect me.

@Lexus,

You got details of some marriage therapist I could reach?

@TooNoisy,

Thanks for your comments. The business thing made sense at first since it had some benefits like she been around the house, providing the care required for a home etc. However, it hadn't turned out as planned; although we are hopeful that it will be better soon.

@Oktoberfest,

We have our alone times and I usually bring up this issues. Usually goes wrong....unfortunately!

@Mindfulness,

wow...you making me feel good about myself...lol

Okay, I married her for various reasons; she was educated, funny, beautiful, cooks well,dresses well, keeps the home clean, decent family. She fit the things i wanted in a wife and i had to take the step since i felt we were both ready.

TooNoisy:
Mr Man,

I feel bad for you, but may be your wife is right about you being weak. You shouldn't have let things get this bad before taking some drastic actions.

Don't get too worked up with her behavior, just go about doing your own thing. First and foremost, do not invest a dime in that business anymore. Just tell her you are servicing a loan and cannot continue to invest in a business that produces no return. No more money for her. This is not punishment, it is just a pure business decision.

Stop correcting her, just let her do her own thing. If she wants to kill her maids, let her kill them, she will be arrested.

She has a right not to further her education so I do not consider that a serious issue - you can't force her. As per her weight, well I guess she doesn't look very beautiful any longer. When it's time for sex, just imagine you are doing it with Kim K and make sure you put the lights off!

You need some sanity, spend more time with family and friends and even your work if need be and focus less on her. You can report her to her family next time she insults or attacks you, so that they know what is happening.

But you need to be more assertive and be in charge!

gbam....nail on the head!

Zuriela:
This is deep.
OP I don't wanto agree with ur wife that u are weak but I think u are too soft. Is it until ur wife kills another woman's child in ur home that u put ur foot down as a man. Imagine using a 10yr old as house help and maltreating her.
Ur wife's ultimate goal in life is Marriage, which she has achieved. U need to be the Head of ur home, stop encouraging her, u've done well by setting a biz for her, stop paying for d shop rent, stop paying her house maids, stop paying her salesgirl. Why won't she get fat n lazy when she does nothing. Sit her down and talk to her like the Man u are. Women like ds send men to early grave if de are not careful.
Like some1 above said it's better to be alive single/divorced than dead married.

@bold

This one cracked me up.


Aren't some women insanely stu,pid? Her husband set up a business for her and pays money to make her life easier and she is maltreating him instead of showing appreciation appreciation appreciation. He is gentle in nature and very composed. These are very adorable and desirable traits.

This is what happens when people think they imprisoned someone in the name of marriage and believe that they can behave anyhow and the person will remain the same.

My husband makes my life very very easy. He makes sure I have enough time for myself to enjoy life. I use the time to please him in return. A marriage can be so joyful but people will rather make it hard. APPRECIATION IS THE SECRET TO A MARRIAGE FULL OF BLISS, JOY AND PLEASURE and a HOME FULL OF LOVE where everyone wants to be and stay.

OP, get your wife here. Let us teach her how a beautiful home is run.

TooNoisy:
Mr Man,

I feel bad for you, but may be your wife is right about you being weak. You shouldn't have let things get this bad before taking some drastic actions.

Don't get too worked up with her behavior, just go about doing your own thing. First and foremost, do not invest a dime in that business anymore. Just tell her you are servicing a loan and cannot continue to invest in a business that produces no return. No more money for her. This is not punishment, it is just a pure business decision.

Stop correcting her, just let her do her own thing. If she wants to kill her maids, let her kill them, she will be arrested.

She has a right not to further her education so I do not consider that a serious issue - you can't force her. As per her weight, well I guess she doesn't look very beautiful any longer. When it's time for sex, just imagine you are doing it with Kim K and make sure you put the lights off!

You need some sanity, spend more time with family and friends and even your work if need be and focus less on her. You can report her to her family next time she insults or attacks you, so that they know what is happening.

But you need to be more assertive and be in charge!

op ....this is d solution to ur problems, as in st8 from my mind.






oya get a pen n paper.

Welder:


@Mindfulness,

wow...you making me feel good about myself...lol

Okay, I married her for various reasons; she was educated, funny, beautiful, cooks well,dresses well, keeps the home clean, decent family. She fit the things i wanted in a wife and i had to take the step since i felt we were both ready.

As I said, we have only your version of the entire story but you seem to be a wonderful person, really.

My brother, can you for a few weeks (3-4) focus on the traits you liked about her before you got married? Can you try and find situations in which these traits reappear and appreciate them? Or have these traits disappeared completely?

Send the little girl home and save her life, stop bringing helps and stop paying them. The next time she abuses you, act like a demon possessed man. Open your door and force her out of the house, throw her bags after her. Trust me she won't believe what happened, let her know that you got it in you, a soft man can't manage your wife.


You said she abuse you physically abi? Make sure it doesn't slide next time, recharge her two or three slaps in quick succession, if she comes for more, give her more. I guess that's the kind of man she wants, a mad man . You need to show this woman a different version, most times peace will never come without war. I hate violence on women but I always make an exception for physically abusive women, it's self defence not battery.