abbey621:


I've been living in Atlanta since 2010 so spare me the lecture! My father came to the USA in the 1980s living behind my mom and 2 children. Before he left 9ja, we were all living in a face me and face you house struggling to survive, he just lost his job with NEPA and things were very difficult, imagine what would have happened if he had refused to use his Oluwole visa and chose to stay back in Nigeria? Yes, he suffered a great deal abroad including marrying an obese woman just to get his papers but it all worked out in the end. It took 6 to 7 years for him to fully get himself and in the 10th year he brought my mom to the USA. Looking at their net worth today, I would say they are valued at over 1/2 a billion naira collectively and all was through hard work. My brother and I had to live without both parents for some time but in the end, we are all successful living life to the fullest. What would have happened if dad chose comfort instead of hustling? Be careful how you to talk to people on the internet, some people have been through more than you can ever imagine!

/
There is no need for the epistle.

Some of the folks you are talking to are still at home collecting "pocket money" from their parents.

They will never understand.

I will not, shall not, cannot...says a young lady until she reaches 30.

I have seen families so poor that the man's presence (financially, psychologically and emotionally) in the family is worthless.

Some wives would rather the husband travel and bring in the papers than sit around being useless.

It is not as if jobs are readily available even for the most qualified.

\

esere826:

Donald Trumps people

Good that you travel round the world meeting new and diverse cultures
nothing can take away from the joys of expanding ones world view beyond national barriers

Donald Trump ke.....he's a joker! Yes no knowledge is ever wasted, my ultimate goal is to be able to settle down in 9ja while increasing my wealth portfolio. There's no place like 9ja, all these foreign countries are just good for expanding knowledge and building wealth

onatisi:
how come you are surrounded by ppl with negative experiences?

U may be surrounded by more bt u don't knw everybody's stories and what they are going thru.

EgunMogaji:


Change that your environment. That one that you're surrounded by eloping husbands

Lolz, there is nothing wrong wt my environment. U probably av more eloped husbands in ur environment than me, u just might nt know

bfatoba:



The Things Women have held man back from... sad thing is you have no Idea what those men are facing, where they are. There are those that went to the US, who have no status, they live on the fringes, saving to come back home, and once they leave to come back home, knowing fully well they can never go back there again, because they've been staying there for that 10-15-20 years an illegal, working the lowest of the lowest of Jobs, and still providing for the same people that are back home. If you live your life according to the demands of a woman, you will move 20 steps forwards, 20 days of the month, and 10 steps back.. that 5 days of the month... the remaining 5 days, she won't like you.

I'm nt saying he shld nt travel o, but nobody can keep me waiting for years. We either work things out and go together or we av a time bound for when I'll go to join him or he'll come back and the communication must be solid. Things myt nt always work out as planned bt it shld''t be as bad as leaving a wife and her kids home for over 10yrs wtout looking back.
Who said those working their asses off, living illegally in foreign land can't make it in their father land, it's only most pple av tht mindset tht wtout leaving the country u can't make gud money and be comfortable at least

Adaobi12:
If the father/ husband can make it a duty to come bk and see his family atleast 3times a year. no matter how bad things are for him over there. Or make arrangements for the family to join him.

are you a woman indeed You could slave-drive a man ooooooooo

HaneefahRN:

U may be surrounded by more bt u don't knw everybody's stories and what they are going thru.

sis,there are hundreds of couples who got separated due to financial strains or stress but immediately things picked up they came back together.
Now let me ask u a question ,which is better ,being separated from a husband due to job or occupational reasons or being separated from husband due to marital problems between both of them?

onatisi:
sis,there are hundreds of couples who got separated due to financial strains or stress but immediately things picked up they came back together.
Now let me ask u a question ,which is better ,being separated from a husband due to job or occupational reasons or being separated from husband due to marital problems between both of them?

None, abeg. A scenario of a woman whose husband left when her 3rd child was born abt 8 yrs into the marriage and yet to come back or send for her for over 20 yrs other than occasional phone calls, tht woman is a step from a divorcee or widow really, it's either u're married or nt, wc one is being semi-married?
I'm nt against men or even women travelling out (I av an aunt tht travelled out to study nursing, her husband is cul wt it but she comes home abt twice a yr and the husband is processing his papers to go join her), but leaving a woman and her children home for over 10 yrs? That's just something else. So there shld be proper planning

HaneefahRN:

None, abeg. A scenario of a woman whose husband left when her 3rd child was born abt 8 yrs into the marriage and yet to come back or send for her for over 20 yrs other than occasional phone calls, tht woman is a step from a divorcee or widow really, it's either u're married or nt, wc one is being semi-married?
I'm nt against men or even women travelling out (I av an aunt tht travelled out to study nursing, her husband is cul wt it but she comes home abt twice a yr and the husband is processing his papers to go join her), but leaving a woman and her children home for over 10 yrs? That's just something else. So there shld be proper planning

you are contradicting yourself and indirectly agreeing with me and others on this issue. No one is supporting the view of a long absence from ones family. Definitely u can't stay too long away from your wife and kids but what we are saying is ,at times and in most often in countries where there is poverty like Nigeria ,men been the bread winner of the family have to make and take a decision of leaving their families in order to get food for them and this isn't peculiar to Nigerians alone but this is a universal norm which has been in existence since the creation of the world

HaneefahRN:

None, abeg. A scenario of a woman whose husband left when her 3rd child was born abt 8 yrs into the marriage and yet to come back or send for her for over 20 yrs other than occasional phone calls, tht woman is a step from a divorcee or widow really, it's either u're married or nt, wc one is being semi-married?
I'm nt against men or even women travelling out (I av an aunt tht travelled out to study nursing, her husband is cul wt it but she comes home abt twice a yr and the husband is processing his papers to go join her), but leaving a woman and her children home for over 10 yrs? That's just something else. So there shld be proper planning

It is not advisable in Islam sef.

onatisi:
sis,there are hundreds of couples who got separated due to financial strains or stress but immediately things picked up they came back together.
Now let me ask u a question ,which is better ,being separated from a husband due to job or occupational reasons or being separated from husband due to marital problems between both of them?

i stress again. you are the a very sensible and reasonable man. people really underestimate the strain that poor finances can have on a marriage.

i just laugh at some of the comments here. even the bible says that ''a man that cannot take care of his home is worse than an infidel''. i find it laughable that some men will actually decide to be 'worse than infidels' or some women would rather prefer their husbands 'to be worse than infidels' rather than leave home to go to another country to hustle legitimately and provide for their wife and kid(s).

even the isrealites had to leave egypt for cannanland which was the land flowing with milk and honey. why would any one stop their partner from finiding their own 'cannanland' and escaping 'captivity'?

onatisi:
you are contradicting yourself and indirectly agreeing with me and others on this issue. No one is supporting the view of a long absence from ones family. Definitely u can't stay too long away from your wife and kids but what we are saying is ,at times and in most often in countries where there is poverty like Nigeria ,men been the bread winner of the family have to make and take a decision of leaving their families in order to get food for them and this isn't peculiar to Nigerians alone but this is a universal norm which has been in existence since the creation of the world

exactly. so on point.

can i buy you a drink

helovesme:


i stress again. you are the a very sensible and reasonable man. people really underestimate the strain that poor finances can have on a marriage.

i just laugh at some of the comments here. even the bible says that ''a man that cannot take care of his home is worse than an infidel''. i find it laughable that some men will actually decide to be 'worse than infidels' or some women would rather prefer their husbands 'to to be worse than infidels' rather than leave home to go to another country to hustle legitimately and provide for their wife and kid(s).

even the isrealites had to leave egypt for cannanland which was the land flowing with milk and honey. why would any one stop their partner from finiding their own 'cannanland' and escaping 'captivity'?

in life experience is always the best teacher. Only those who have been there in that situation will really understand the situation. A man that can't fulfil his financial responsibilities to his wife and kids will have no respect from them,when a wife dents her husband ego all because he can't afford little necessities of life ,it makes a man desperate to do anything to redeem that respect,travelling out is the easiest of such options . Many men have resorted to armed robbery and even money rituals just to make ends meet

helovesme:


exactly. so on point.

can i buy you a drink

yes thank you

daretodiffer:


It is not advisable in Islam sef.

Abi o. In Islam after some months (I'av forgotten the actual no), the woman has the right to divorce and remarry after being separated from her husband. Her staying for yrs afterwards is solely her choice

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bfatoba:



Seconded... Great minds are calculative and predictive... they plan for future event and take minor sacrifices to avoid considerable losses. OP is not a progressively thinking individual... culturally, we see that all the time, even when your father is around, everyman who visits your place and is related closely to your dad is "your Daddy".... I grew up in that family described by OP and I have nothing but RESPECT for my Father and Admiration for my mother. In the course of your life, as a man, wherever life takes you to provide a better FUTURE for your children, you go. Animals do it for their offsprings, Birds do it for theirs. The sad truth is that the same kids you stay with will eventually resent you for not giving them a better chance. I praise all Fathers who have gone far and wide in trying their best at creating a better future for their family. OP aren't there successful families whose wives cheat with the husband being present in Nigeria. In a country where there are more hotels than Churches and Mosques, I'm very sure the people making use of them aren't just single, lonely, married women.

OP just so we are clear here, whenever the opportunity arises for you to go out of your country for a better Job, that will automatically transition to a better life for you and your family, Please do not take it. and tell your wife too.. you won't take it... if she is half a virtuous woman.. she will beg you to take it.

@Randyhot

onatisi:
you are contradicting yourself and indirectly agreeing with me and others on this issue. No one is supporting the view of a long absence from ones family. Definitely u can't stay too long away from your wife and kids but what we are saying is ,at times and in most often in countries where there is poverty like Nigeria ,men been the bread winner of the family have to make and take a decision of leaving their families in order to get food for them and this isn't peculiar to Nigerians alone but this is a universal norm which has been in existence since the creation of the world

No, I never deviated from my points. I was never against men travelling, I'm against them leaving their family behind for so long. It's either they move together, he sends for them as soon as he is settled, or he comes home as often as he can. Not leaving a trophey wife and kids back home waiting.

HaneefahRN:

Lolz, there is nothing wrong wt my environment. U probably av more eloped husbands in ur environment than me, u just might nt know

You're right as I keep to my business.

I couldn't tell you the names of my 9 neighbors talk less of whose spouse has eloped and I've lived here for going on 5 years.

helovesme:


i stress again. you are the a very sensible and reasonable man. people really underestimate the strain that poor finances can have on a marriage.

i just laugh at some of the comments here. even the bible says that ''a man that cannot take care of his home is worse than an infidel''. i find it laughable that some men will actually decide to be 'worse than infidels' or some women would rather prefer their husbands 'to be worse than infidels' rather than leave home to go to another country to hustle legitimately and provide for their wife and kid(s).

even the isrealites had to leave egypt for cannanland which was the land flowing with milk and honey. why would any one stop their partner from finiding their own 'cannanland' and escaping 'captivity'?

I can almost bet that those against it are mostly not married; I don't think any man is happy being away from his family but what's the alternative to that. When you are not there with the family, but can make sure they are comfortable, nothing beats that at all please. Some people who work in war torn countries are not there because they love being there and risking their lives, but because they would rather give their families the best and see those smiles on their faces.

I'm so sure quite a number of ladies here would drive their husbands crazy if they are home and jobless. Not everyone who lives outside Nigeria is a hustler, some actually have international careers which means they are always on the road helping in emergencies. Please when your husband gets a UN job in Iraq or Afghan earning about $10-15k per month, tell him to stay at home so you can both be looking into each others' eyes and cuddling up at night.

do I really blame d guys, no I always blame d ladies who at the first instance agreed into such marriage. sometimes u will think it is jus nollywood film.

marriage by correspondence as I call it..is not in d women favour. .and very disadvantage to d kids.

HaneefahRN:

I'm nt saying he shld nt travel o, but nobody can keep me waiting for years. We either work things out and go together or we av a time bound for when I'll go to join him or he'll come back and the communication must be solid. Things myt nt always work out as planned bt it shld''t be as bad as leaving a wife and her kids home for over 10yrs wtout looking back.
Who said those working their asses off, living illegally in foreign land can't make it in their father land, it's only most pple av tht mindset tht wtout leaving the country u can't make gud money and be comfortable at least

You can't marry a highflyer....

Aniomaman81:


I can almost bet that those against it are mostly not married; I don't think any man is happy being away from his family but what's the alternative to that. When you are not there with the family, but can make sure they are comfortable, nothing beats that at all please. Some people who work in war torn countries are not there because they love being there and risking their lives, but because they would rather give their families the best and see those smiles on their faces.

I'm so sure quite a number of ladies here would drive their husbands crazy if they are home and jobless. Not everyone who lives outside Nigeria is a hustler, some actually have international careers which means they are always on the road helping in emergencies. Please when your husband gets a UN job in Iraq or Afghan earning about $10-15k per month, tell him to stay at home so you can both be looking into each others' eyes and cuddling up at night.

A zillion likes for your post

tobillionaire:
Ok... U shld stay with dem in naija starvin abi if u dont leave d girl, she'll definately leave u ni.

lobatan

MsGlobalwonder:
God forbid any long distant marriage. I want my man with me always, everyday. if he has to travel for a short time we go together. Yes, i'm abokoku like dat

hahahaha jst like my woman, where i travel she travel Abokoki.......

praxisnetworks:

You can't marry a highflyer....

I am a Highflyer myself, so I wldn't know why u came to that conclusion. So a man has to leave his family for years b4 he can be successful abi?

EgunMogaji:


You're right as I keep to my business.

I couldn't tell you the names of my 9 neighbors talk less of whose spouse has eloped and I've lived here for going on 5 years.

That's gud. We are on the same page, mind u the pple I talked abt are pple very close to me

HaneefahRN:

I'm nt saying he shld nt travel o, but nobody can keep me waiting for years. We either work things out and go together or we av a time bound for when I'll go to join him or he'll come back and the communication must be solid. Things myt nt always work out as planned bt it shld''t be as bad as leaving a wife and her kids home for over 10yrs wtout looking back.
Who said those working their asses off, living illegally in foreign land can't make it in their father land, it's only most pple av tht mindset tht wtout leaving the country u can't make gud money and be comfortable at least

Please don't make any assumptions at all. On the long run, it is highly likely to be better if you know what you are doing. 10 years is very long but you have got to do what you have to do for your family.

Do you really think most of these men want to be far away from their kids?

daretodiffer:


Please don't make any assumptions at all. On the long run, it is highly likely to be better if you know what you are doing. 10 years is very long but you have got to do what you have to do for your family.

Do you really think most of these men want to be far away from their kids?

Then 10 turns to 20 yrs, then the children start getting married, only vaguely knowing their dad or probably knowing their dads only thru skype. Yh, they don't want to keep apart from their kids, so what is holding them back? The need to make more money?

MsGlobalwonder:
what I can infer from your submission: you are single and apparently don't know what it is to be married. We all learn daily, i'm learning too; please go learn what it means to be married.

I don't like to engage in a trade of words with women, simply because its like playing Table Tennis against a wall.. the wall will never tire or loose
That said, this is my point and my peace. Whether Single or Engaged or Married, My Rationale will remain the same, To provide the best for the Future of my Offspring, whilst giving them the necessary tools to compete in the ever changing global Market. It will not always be according to the norms of Society, but rest assured, my Family will look back at my sacrifices and be grateful. Concise and rational thinking is not limited to married couples.. or maybe I'm mistaken and you receive a new brain upon matrimony. what it means to be married to me, is the understanding that you both do your absolute best to create the best OPPORTUNITY for your forthcoming generation. but if you choose to not have kids, then chucks, you can enjoy by your standards.

If you must infer again.. infer that I am a MAN! and I will always want whats best for my family at the End of the day.

This, indeed, is an interesting topic that requires a great deal of experience and wisdom. To start with, some fundamental questions need be asked:
1. Do you have a clear-cut good vision for traveling abroad? If the answer to this question is in the affirmative, then we can proceed to the next question.
2. Do you intend traveling as a legal residence via any of the available legal options?
3. Does the country you are traveling to have an immigration consideration for married individuals and their kids; which could be in form of family re-union?
4.For how long do you intend to " stabilize" before you make the move for family re-union?
5. Are there plans in place to cater for the health(as in registering your spouse and kid(s) with an HMO), security and financial needs of your family for the duration of your absence?
If these questions can be adequately and reasonably answered, then, I personally see no reason why emotions should not be shoved aside and do the needful. The few years of missing one another would be worth the while at the end of the day. Now, I want to relay the experiences of some of my close pals. Of course,, successful stories of good individual who left their families for a period of between two and four years, later got re-united and continued their lives in "saner climes".
I used to work in a multinational and most of my colleagues were underemployed with no visible organizational plan for growth and development. All you do is come to work, perform your task and collect you salary at the end of the month . Yes, guys are building houses and buying cars with car loan from the organization but the truth is the nature of work is very stressful, physically demanding and at times "demeaning" for holder of B.sc or HND. Sequel to this, what some guys, who knew their onions and believed they deserved a better life, did was to save for some years and jet out. Most of these guys( I mean the intelligent and brilliant ones) have either HND or B.Sc but work with OND or SSCE due to unemployment. They travelled to the likes of Canada, Us, Germany and others for Masters and stayed behind to look for job after which they came for their families. My contribution here might appear like an epistle but that is just the truth and of course, the trend, where I used to work.
Again, a very close pal of mine has his brother doing well in Canada now. His wife travelled first as a nursing professional and he later joined her. The experiences he had garnered in Nigeria here enabled him to get engaged in Canada easily.

The summary of this is simple: if you have a very good goal and you are convinced about it, do travel out but as a legal "immigrant", have a time lag (which to me, should not be more than three years) as to when you will re-unite with you family, work towards it with prayers and determination; while being faithful to your spouse and course, always keep in touch with your family while you are away using the modern means of telecommunication. This is not a mere theoretical write-up; it has been practised and it worked out. Shalom!

Another angle to this topic is the gene and specie characteristics of human beings.
A female tends to be homely and wants to to close ,this is the way God created them while a man looks far ahead into the future and sees the financial security of his family members as his number 1 priority and he will do anything to protect their future