ronald4lif:
Some circumstances neccesitate men to leave their wives home and travel abroad. Some men marries and bring their wives abroad and this women on realising the many crazy laws that seeks to empower women will start misbehaving. Some go as far as kicking the men out of their homes. Why would other men not learn from such mistakes and leave their women in Nigeria?

Spot on!

I personally know two women that took this path. They have this league of divorced black women where the innocent wife is taught all sort of shiit and she begins to disrespect her husband because she's aware a divorce will favour her

HaneefahRN:

It is pathetic really. I can't allow such for my husband o, if we can't go together then he is nt going anywhere. I can't allow someone to turn me to semi- married at a young age.
There is one of my aunt whose husband travelled over 11yrs ago when their 2nd born was still a baby, the girl is 13 nw, and she has never met her dad other than phone calls. Certainly a man will not stay tht long wtout sex, that's if he has nt married yet, he keeps delaying his wife's coming to join him, and refuses to come home, claiming he can't afford to while not allowing tht beautiful woman go on wt her life wt someone else. Something with one of our neighbours, the man left Nigeria over 20yrs ago and never came back to check on his wife and children not even when the children were getting married other than phone calls once in a while. One of my friend's husband also travelled out soon after their marriage, this is the 4th yr since she last saw him, I pray he comes back soon sha and doesn't waste her time. What sort of life is tht abeg?

.

ronald4lif:
Some circumstances neccesitate men to leave their wives home and travel abroad. Some men marries and bring their wives abroad and this women on realising the many crazy laws that seeks to empower women will start misbehaving. Some go as far as kicking the men out of their homes. Why would other men not learn from such mistakes and leave their women in Nigeria?

I agree with you but you have to agree that Ssome men bring their wives here and blackmail/abuse them emotionally because they have brought them here

HaneefahRN:

No, I never deviated from my points. I was never against men travelling, I'm against them leaving their family behind for so long. It's either they move together, he sends for them as soon as he is settled, or he comes home as often as he can. Not leaving a trophey wife and kids back home waiting.

sometimes... no ... oftentimes, it is better to send someone to see whats on hand and prepare for the rest of the family. I've seen countless of these scenarios play out. I had a family friend relocate from Nigeria to here, some years back... he was already married with 2 children at the time, the youngest of which was about 1 year and some months. The initial plan was, that the father would come, and after 6 months, the wife would come with the kids, no matter what. When the father arrived, and saw what was on ground, He cried everyday, because he couldn't convince his wife to wait, about another 3 years, so that everything would be smooth. He for one had to go back to school, Imagine, A high level bank official. His Wife and kids, came 6 months later, he had to Liquidate most assets in Nigeria to make it all possible because things were difficult on his end. Then came the transition period.. the Wife had to go back to school also, for the next 5-6 years, they were restructuring their lives. they suffered unnecessarily, I would laugh on days when the Wife was crying because I can distinctly hear her on the phone when her husband was telling her to wait and she said "NO". Her nightmare is that he will marry a white woman and never return. whenever I have the pleasure of teasing her, i always do... and she's proud of suffering with her man.. so i can maybe understand if you are like her.. but is it necessary.. NO!

HaneefahRN:

Then 10 turns to 20 yrs, then the children start getting married, only vaguely knowing their dad or probably knowing their dads only thru skype. Yh, they don't want to keep apart from their kids, so what is holding them back? The need to make more money?

Yes the need to make more money and secure their kids future.

Do we have a business friendly environment in Nigeria?

Where are the jobs?, I mean jobs that would actually secure their kids future?

Where are the social services?



My brother almost lost his eyes because of Nigerian hospitals (note the s at the back). I don't think an abergae Nigerian worker would have been be able to meet the costs of his surgery without borrowing at the detriment of the family. Some people might have been able to go through that but has that change the fact that their kids are going to continue the struggle? Why do you think bribery and corruption rate is very high?

daretodiffer:


Yes the need to make more money and secure their kids future.

Do we have a business friendly environment in Nigeria?

Where are the jobs?, I mean jobs that would actually secure their kids future?

Where are the social services?



My brother almost lost his eyes because of Nigerian hospitals (note the s at the back). I don't think an abergae Nigerian worker would have been be able to meet the costs of his surgery without borrowing at the detriment of the family. Some people might have been able to go through that but has that change the fact that their kids are going to continue the struggle? Why do you think bribery and corruption rate is very high?

U aren't getting me at all. There is no big deal in travelling out to search for greener pasture (I plan to do tht wt my family), but is it so hard to move in ur family wt u when u're settled? Is it so hard to come visiting and check on ur family once in a while?

.

.

HaneefahRN:


U aren't getting me at all. There is no big deal in travelling out to search for greener pasture (I plan to do tht wt my family), but is it so hard to move in ur family wt u when u're settled? Is it so hard to come visiting and check on ur family once in a while?

‘when you are settled' is a very ambiguous word Biko.

What if the man is an illegal immigrant, would you still ask him to come home?

daretodiffer:


‘when you are settled' is a very ambiguous word Biko.

What if the man is an illegal immigrant, would you still ask him to come home?

I'm done wt this argument really, I don't pray or wish for such scenarios, may such never be my portion. Afterall there are couples living there together wt their kids and doing very well, that's the scenario I want.

HaneefahRN:

I'm done wt this argument really, I don't pray or wish for such scenarios, may such never be my portion. Afterall there are couples living there together wt their kids and doing very well, that's the scenario I want.

Amin.

No one is denying that fact but not everyone can afford to have that kind of life.

daretodiffer:


I agree with you but you have to agree that Ssome men bring their wives here and blackmail/abuse them emotionally because they have brought them here

Before going into a marriage in Nigeria these women know a man is the head of the family, his decisions are usually final and mustn't go challenged. The man is superior and has the final say. And they are okay with such arrangement and which is culturally and religiously encouraged.

Living in Nigeria they embrace this obviously archaic family arrangement with their hubby. But once they relocate abroad to join him and start realising that the extant laws abroad doesn't recognise such superiority practice and leadership role attached to men they start challenging him. They start opposing his decisions which ordinarily they would have had no problem with were they in Nigeria.

Who then is the problem? The man never changed coz he's still same person with same superiority mentality. However, the woman changed coz she rejected her conventional role of a wife, as practised in Nigeria, to defy the hubby authority and challenges him. She is the problem.

bfatoba:


sometimes... no ... oftentimes, it is better to send someone to see whats on hand and prepare for the rest of the family. I've seen countless of these scenarios play out. I had a family friend relocate from Nigeria to here, some years back... he was already married with 2 children at the time, the youngest of which was about 1 year and some months. The initial plan was, that the father would come, and after 6 months, the wife would come with the kids, no matter what. When the father arrived, and saw what was on ground, He cried everyday, because he couldn't convince his wife to wait, about another 3 years, so that everything would be smooth. He for one had to go back to school, Imagine, A high level bank official. His Wife and kids, came 6 months later, he had to Liquidate most assets in Nigeria to make it all possible because things were difficult on his end. Then came the transition period.. the Wife had to go back to school also, for the next 5-6 years, they were restructuring their lives. they suffered unnecessarily, I would laugh on days when the Wife was crying because I can distinctly hear her on the phone when her husband was telling her to wait and she said "NO". Her nightmare is that he will marry a white woman and never return. whenever I have the pleasure of teasing her, i always do... and she's proud of suffering with her man.. so i can maybe understand if you are like her.. but is it necessary.. NO!

Alrice o

ronald4lif:


Before going into a marriage in Nigeria these women know a man is the head of the family, his decisions are usually final and mustn't go challenged. The man is superior and has the final say. And they are okay with such arrangement and which is culturally and religiously encouraged.

Living in Nigeria they embrace this obviously archaic family arrangement with their hubby. But once they relocate abroad to join him and start realising that the extant laws abroad doesn't recognise such superiority practice and leadership role attached to men they start challenging him. They start opposing his decisions which ordinarily they would have had no problem were they in Nigeria.

Who then is the problem? The man never changed coz he's still same person with same superiority mentality. However, the woman changed coz she rejected her conventional role of a wife, as practised in Nigeria, to defy the hubby authorities and challenges him. She is the problem.

I agree however can you ask yourself if that arrangement where any little thing, she would be threatened with her kids/home is the ideal? They are no longer in Nigeria, and I don't see why she should continue to subject herself to frequent anxiety that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

There must be a balance somewhere. The man should abuse her neither should the woman act like a f.ool.

daretodiffer:


Amin.

No one is denying that fact but not everyone can afford to have that kind of life.

yh, I knw, but I'm going to be one of those gud exceptions by God's grace

HaneefahRN:

I am a Highflyer myself, so I wldn't know why u came to that conclusion. So a man has to leave his family for years b4 he can be successful abi?

Ur husband can't even leave for a couple months

abbey621:
When people get married, they are taking an oath for better or worse. In the struggle for survival, life sometimes forces you to make a decision such as parting with your family for sometime just to make a better way, would such a person choose to watch things get progressively worse or sacrifice now in order not to regret later. Of course life isn't perfect, sh*t happens and plans don't work out but not trying at all is the biggest mistake one can make. For men who are afraid that if they left their wife alone for sometime she would cheat or become frustrated, I say to such men would such a woman not cheat or become frustrated if you couldn't afford to take care of her needs or you became inept? For women claiming the kids would be deprived of their father's love, I say to them would it not be worse watching the kids go through life not able to provide for their basic amenities? This world is a jungle, many of us must move out of our comfort zone in other to provide for those we love. Eat or be eaten!

#iConcur

daretodiffer:


I agree however can you ask yourself if that arrangement where any little thing, she would be threatened with her kids/home is the ideal? They are no longer in Nigeria, and I don't see why she should continue to subject herself to frequent anxiety that shouldn't have existed in the first place.

There must be a balance somewhere. The man should abuse her neither should the woman act like a f.ool.

True but it's never been about right or wrong but about traditional family roles as obtainable in Nigeria and Africa at large. And it being wrong depends on who's examining it, for the West it's wrong but for the African man it's right. We were brought up as superior beings to women and the head of the family whose decision should be final, so we feel threatened whenever our rank is challenged.

Just like they say when a bird learns to fly without perching a hunter will fling without missing his target so as the diaspora Nigerian man has realizes the best approach is to settle their wives home. And forestall any drama by bringing them abroad.

mickky88:





hahahaha jst like my woman, where i travel she travel Abokoki.......

4k this post... u women are crazy...

Randyhot:
For men who think it fit for whatever reasons, to leave there young wives and little kids back home in Nigeria while they stay abroad, you might or might not be suprised at this.
Afam checked on a female client whose hubby stays abroad, in one of these asian countries, probably Malaysia, to close a lingering buisness deal he had with her, as he knocked on her apartment and was let in, her 2 1/2 years old kid, who was in the living room rushed over him happily, shouting "daddy daddy daddy", the kid was allover him as he hugged Afam tightly, Afam was quick to understand what was going on, a quick look into the searching eyes of this kid revealed that he is in desperate need of something and is searching for it, as he took him in his arms, he was suprised that the mum who was standing right in front of him did not correct her little boy that Afam was not his dad, something he came to understand to mean that this might not be the first time the kid is playing out such behaviour. It was his older brother, about 6 yrs of age who rushed in due to the commotion and said" Favour it is not daddy" then sighed, frowned and left the room dissapointed.
But Favour never left as he was busy making Afam his daddy.
Their dad rarely comes home, the last time he did was during Favours birth / church dedication, Favour is one among so many Nigerian children who only talks with daddy on phone, looks at daddy's picture, but rarely sees him around.
It is the height of man's irresponsibility to his home to abandon his young wives and little kids behind to seek greener pastures elsewhere, i choose the word "abandoned" because even if your sending back tons of dollars every now and then, it still doesnt compensate for that something they are missing.
Start making arrangements for their relocation over there as well, or better still come back to them, your family needs you.
Afam is a good christian, with strong morality, who knows if he hadn't be, what might had become his thoughts towards that young lonely woman.
Or take for instance, nature plays her sweet tricks on the young wife one cold night, and the imaginations of Afam's handsome physique, and the way he played lovingly with Favour in his arms calling him "daddy" takes over her senses, and she began to approach him, yearning for his touch , don't get mad or start fighting people, FIGHT YOURSELF FIRST.

so, basically you're saying the child jumps at every male in sight and calls the person daddy.

In Nigeria where every older relative is called daddy? The kid would not know strangers from relatives?

Lie properly nah.

HaneefahRN:


U aren't getting me at all. There is no big deal in travelling out to search for greener pasture (I plan to do tht wt my family), but is it so hard to move in ur family wt u when u're settled? Is it so hard to come visiting and check on ur family once in a while?

Yes, it can definitely become a nightmare, you don't know the many cooked up stories, these people feed immigration. lets say for example... you travel to Ghana and tell the ghanian government that the reason you want to stay in their country is because people are after your life back in Nigeria. you didn't claim to have family back in Nigeria. Ghana grants you Asylum under the UN treaty, and maintaining that means you can never return to Nigeria until who knows.... I just used Ghana as an example, but there are many stories like that... or some people will even claim that they're homosexuals and their families are trying to kill them, thats why they're claiming Asylum. Different strokes for different folks. Sometimes from the outside, it just looks like John has left his family for 10 years and hasn't returned... but wife is still waiting because she might very well be aware of Johns plans too to begin with. plus when you leave too.. you're missing work and money to just go and sit and spend money everyday.

HaneefahRN:

yh, I knw, but I'm going to be one of those gud exceptions by God's grace

Oops so we have been chatting with a Taliban since... Abegi swerve

praxisnetworks:

Oops so we have been chatting with a Taliban since... Abegi swerve

Eeyah, pele. Make sure u take ur drugs as prescribed next time

bfatoba:


Yes, it can definitely become a nightmare, you don't know the many cooked up stories, these people feed immigration. lets say for example... you travel to Ghana and tell the ghanian government that the reason you want to stay in their country is because people are after your life back in Nigeria. you didn't claim to have family back in Nigeria. Ghana grants you Asylum under the UN treaty, and maintaining that means you can never return to Nigeria until who knows.... I just used Ghana as an example, but there are many stories like that... or some people will even claim that they're homosexuals and their families are trying to kill them, thats why they're claiming Asylum. Different strokes for different folks. Sometimes from the outside, it just looks like John has left his family for 10 years and hasn't returned... but wife is still waiting because she might very well be aware of Johns plans too to begin with. plus when you leave too.. you're missing work and money to just go and sit and spend money everyday.

Yh, I grab ur point. Thanks
Ur last sentence tho, what stops her from working and fitting in like her husband? It might nt be easy at first bt nt like there is a barrier against such, is there?

bfatoba:


I don't like to engage in a trade of words with women, simply because its like playing Table Tennis against a wall.. the wall will never tire or loose
That said, this is my point and my peace. Whether Single or Engaged or Married, My Rationale will remain the same, To provide the best for the Future of my Offspring, whilst giving them the necessary tools to compete in the ever changing global Market. It will not always be according to the norms of Society, but rest assured, my Family will look back at my sacrifices and be grateful. Concise and rational thinking is not limited to married couples.. or maybe I'm mistaken and you receive a new brain upon matrimony. what it means to be married to me, is the understanding that you both do your absolute best to create the best OPPORTUNITY for your forthcoming generation. but if you choose to not have kids, then chucks, you can enjoy by your standards.

If you must infer again.. infer that I am a MAN! and I will always want whats best for my family at the End of the day.

hahahahahahaha it's now u realized how most if not all females reason? She will not see any reasons with all those your explanations bro so let her be only reality and experience teaches best, just imagimne how selfish the girls are. They domn't even consider the fact that a man is going to miss them like crazy, miss his children, out there hustling n suffering for them cos we're not selfish, they're the ones enjoying tje kids at the time so why make things harder for the man? Any man that loves his family would do watever he could to bring them over but its nt easy like that. Let no man let any woman hold him back from achieving any form of success especially bc of her selfishness, life is all about sacrifice.
Who is that man hustling to make their life better? Who tends to enjoy more of it? Is the woman the only suffering emotionally? Is the man not too? Yeah they kids will miss daddy but the end justifies the means if the family's life turns from hard or ok to great and wonderful due to the man's efforts thats what being a man is all about. Taking great care of his family, some wise females will recognise while others won't. Females can be selfish meeeeehn, youngings always apply logic in making life decisions bc if you allow emotions to ruin it you might blame yourself later.

praxisnetworks:


Oops so we have been chatting with a Taliban since... Abegi swerve

She didn't know you are an infidel either...abegi move along

ronald4lif:


True but it's never been about right or wrong but about traditional family roles as obtainable in Nigeria and Africa at large. And it being wrong depends on who's examining it, for the West it's wrong but for the African man it's right. We were brought up as superior beings to women and the head of the family whose decision should be final, so we feel threatened whenever our rank is challenged.

Just like they say when a bird learns to fly without perching a hunter will fling without missing his target so as the diaspora Nigerian man has realizes the best approach is to settle their wives home. And forestall any drama by bringing them abroad.

onye oma ekele kwa'm gi, ana emekwa? As for the hunter's enhanced skills i think it's better than the potential news flash of " a husband clubbed his wife to death" and other mind buggling news of what 9ja men who were frustrated by their wives end up doing to the wives. Let's recall the line in the bible that says if your left hand would lead you to hell cut it off so in other words the hunters are adhering to the words of the lord hahahaha. Since bringing one's wife over is a potential risk of turning your good life to hell then it's not worth it.

Yomieluv:
Why marry when the intent is to live apart?

Had a friend then whose father came home once a year then while we were in secondary school.

Father and mother's presence has a role in the psyche of a child development.

Never marry if you plan staying apart.

I grew up in a broken home,i know the effect on me. When other kids are saying things their dad did for them,i always look like a drunk goat with nothing to say.

Till today,i see my dad as a stranger in my life.
Nothing beats living under same Roof with both parents.

You're even lucky to have him as a stranger. Some never knew theirs!

The truth is that there is more to life than making money
Personally I don't see the point of having a family if you wont see them for more than a few weeks every few years
If the parent is dead, then that's a different thing.

The bitter thruth is that if you are travelling on a 6 months visiting visa with an aim to hustle, then you are on a long thing and you and your family must be prepared not to see each other for a long long time.

The problem is that People don't do their homework properly and just because John who travelled last year, sent a jeep home in 8 months and sent for his wife 2 months later they think Yes, they can do the same. Yet they don't know Johns circumstances.

Some people also don't look at the long term picture. All they think of is £ and $ and how to gleefully say "my husband is in the US" which to me is ridiculous if all you are getting from the marriage is Western Union payments every month while you are left lonely and being the husband and wife and mother and father to young kids. Is that what you signed up for?
The whole reasons why you got married; commitment, companionship, friendship, intimacy etc is not being fulfilled and All you are getting is money.


Many of these men have second lives abroad so they are enjoying the best of all worlds while the woman is struggling.

basically if you both don't sit down and have a plan and do your homework very well and gather enough information so you are making informed choices, you may end up like one woman I know whose husband went abroad and to survive he went and married oyibo for papers, he comes home once every 2 years for a few weeks to get her pregnant then goes back and was always promising to come and get her.
She now has 4 kids.
Recently he doesn't even stay in his house when he comes. He claims the house is dirty and wife cant cook. says wife looks tired and unattractive (why wont she look older than her years when she is running around looking after his kids? Why wont the house be dirty? is he there to replace and do any maintenance on the house?
Anyway now he stays in hotels and with friends when he visits and doesn't go home.
Eventually says he is no longer interested in the woman but he said he wants to take his children with him abroad
Of course the children are on their dads side as they too want to travel
The wife is now left with absolutely NOTHING
she was better off marrying a struggling Nigerian who by now would have probably made it right there in Nigeria.

All that glitters is not gold.

I was on a flight to Nigeria once where one man was happy and dancing
He was going back home to see his wife and a 14 year old kid that he had never seen
He said that he left Nigeria when his wife was pregnant.
I didn't know whether to feel sorry for him or angry at him.

what is the essence of getting marry when you know u want to leave the country for greener pasture? i see this idealism as a total madness.

The guy should wake up and plan for his life. Most times they end up marrying foreigner inorder to get papers/work permit and so on.

While they are there cheating on their wifes but if the reverse is the case the woman will not be at peace as the world will condem her.

if you must travel, marry over there and move on or when u av acquires the necessary papers you can invite your fiancee over and then do the

needful. Tho most pple wey they behave in this manner are been advised by their parents(my son what if u go die for there,nobody go bare

your name,abi i no go carry my grand child etc) The reason behind their decision.