I've only ever been in a relationship that lasted about 4 months and it was mostly long distance. I was 14. I have been single for close to six years now and yet I have experienced domestic violence. From who you say? No other person than my blood brother.
See, the thing is I have always been a very opinionated and strong-willed person. I have never succumbed to 'you must respect every elder' except I feel the elder deserves it. As a kid, I was automatically labelled rude. I didn't care, I just hated being taken advantage of.
He hit me several times for what my mother called 'my loud-mouth'. I always had the support of my dad who hit him in return. But daddy was not always there 24/7 and I soon realized that violence only bred more violence.
I didn't understand the effect then because I was still too young and it seemed normal in the Nigerian culture for older siblings to beat up younger siblings. I was always told to respect him. But how do I do that when I didn't even know what would offend him or not? Little things like me watching teletoons and he wanting to change the channel will trigger another series of beating.
Then that day came. I can't really recall what led to the quarrel but I had learned to ignore his outrage in my defense. I was 12 then and not knowing anything better to do with the little money I had on me, I always went to the opposite house to get junks like sweets and chewing gum. I did the same that day only that he interpreted my chewing a gum as being rude and nonchalant (I learnt the word 'nonchalant' that day). The slaps came as usual but this very day it did not stop. I kept chewing the gum unconsciously because it was already in my mouth but he didn't stop. At a point I didn't even know why he was hitting me again and I looked up at him towering over me in tears and asked "what did I do again?" That was when he told me that he didn't like the fact that I was chewing gum while he was talking to me. I wanted to tell him that he could have just told me that instead of slapping me repeatedly for almost 15mins.
Everyone was pleading with him to stop, my sister, family friends, house help, neighbor and so on. He didn't. It was like he deliberately wanted to humiliate me in front of everyone. He wanted to make a point that he was my 7 years senior and was in control. At a point he flung me to the sofa and removed his belt. Me being me fought with all my power that it will never happen. My parents had never hit me with a belt. Never. The nerve of him. He didn't succeed and he stopped eventually. He was a monster to me that day and I hated him since then.
I went to sleep because I was too tired and by the time my parents returned home my whole face was swollen and my whole body bruised. He immediately bowed in front of them when they saw me. Only I saw the smirk on his face. He had it all planned out. I'm sure he must have blamed me for all the beatings he got from my dad and waited till my dad was too old to handle his youthfulness to carry out his revenge on me. My mum who was usually on his side was too dumbfounded to say anything.
He went out and put the suya he bought in my mouth when he came back. Did he honestly think it would fix what he did to me? Did he really think I was that naive? The most painful part was me having to cover up for him when we went to my church's annual camp meeting. When family friends, pastors and all asked what happened to my face, I told them a lie. He kept telling my sorry and said I shouldn't tell anyone that it was because he hit me. I was surprised that my parents who always taught us to be upright didn't try to say otherwise. I was disappointed with their reaction to say the least.
My dad tried to call a meeting between my brother and I so as to settle the long years of quarrels and misunderstandings but I told him I'd never forgive him.
Years down the line, I eventually was able to be friendly with him again. I make passing jokes about how his kids will suffer just like I did just to get a reaction out of him (I don't plan to visit the sins of the father on the children). He always seems scared. He knows he caused a lot of damage on my self confidence. Even till now, I hate any form of bullying from the bottom of my heart. I think that is one of the reasons I get emotional and see myself always defending the oppressed in the society.
We still have mild quarrels but that was the last time he ever got physical with me. A few years back when it seemed like a quarrel might get physical just because he was losing an argument (a lot of people wonder why I didn't study law in the university), I relaxed and smirked inwardly. Not long after that, I looked my mum in the eye and told her that if my brother ever laid his hand on me again, that I would kill him. My mum smiled but the look in her eyes told me she knew I meant it and that she understood. At that point, I had grown to be a woman scorned and you know what they say about women like that?
I thought I had forgiven and forgotten until I read about other women's experiences on SDK's blog today. I could feel the rush of slaps once again. The pain of abuse never really goes away. I never classified what I went through as domestic violence until I read very similar stories. The only difference was that my abuse came from my blood brother and not from someone I was intimate with.
Please stop violence against the vulnerable in the society. You know someone is vulnerable when it is clear that the person doesn't have a fighting chance with you.

Forgiveness heals both the forgiver and the forgiven

my brother eeyah!

Some people are just strange you know. Beating your own sister. How terrible. He probs enjoyed it too.

Funny

I have never succumbed to 'you must respect every elder' except I feel the elder deserves it.

But you should respect your elders whether they deserve it or not.

Speechless3:


But you should respect your elders whether they deserve it or not.

Why

Speechless3:


But you should respect your elders whether they deserve it or not.

Respect is earned not a privilege. Everyone deserves to be respected regardless of their age and status and if an elder doesn't accord himself respect he/she gets none.

vizkiz:


ok, great. Does he have matches

Yes matches of common sense...

Speechless3:


But you should respect your elders whether they deserve it or not.

Yes you are right. I respect elders by default until they prove otherwise that they don't deserve it.

So sorry at OP. Please put it in prayers, with time I promise you God will redeem your confidence and heal you from within. I suffered same for years, but God has been and is healing me. I wish you the best dear.