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My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by lollmaolol(m): 8:02pm On Apr 11, 2016
Pardon me Nairalanders,

I m not a good writer, I'll start here sometimes in 1998 my dad turned my mum into a punching bag and he sent her packing accusing her of outshining him, as an 11 year old first son of my mum I took her side because the beating was too much. I figured out mum was seeing another man.

I don't know who advised mum, but she went to court to seek divorce papers, so court dissolved the marriage. I was almost graduating from my primary school then. I started missing mum on my graduation day, only dad was there, mum had left with my 2 younger siblings. Shortly after the divorce, mum re-married to another.

Our family is Muslim family as my mum was the second wife, the first wife also left him (I was too young to understand reason for divorce) , now he started bringing in different women home to the one room apartment he occupied in his uncle's place more than 35 years ago (he is still in that house currently here in xyz state).

As day goes by, I and my younger sister with him were going to school till we both graduated from high school, the other two also graduated but the story didn't end well with them as they are currently baby mama. Only immediate sister got married and is with her husband.

Being the only male child, I had to leave house and hussle, I have worked in several odd places you could ever think of. I was able to gain admission into the university but my other siblings could not, except immediate younger sister who gained admission into one part-time school like that. Along the hussling line my spirit was broken by the happening in my family and was constantly been molested, as no one was home to supervise me while I was home, the older boy Musa in my house took advantage of me. (I hope I can forgive my parents)

Life continued, I graduated with a good grade, not the course I really wish to study though, I currently live and work in xyz state. And here is my confusion, my dad and mum still separated wants me to be calling them often, each time I give them a call, they'd questioned why didn't you call me earlier (selfish ). They don't even know where I work, talk less of where I live. Though they supported while I was in the university, but I still hussled to get school fees paid. I guess they want share returns (angry)

Nairalanders, I have seen people of wisdom here, which is why I am pouring out my mind and my life story, though some part are shameful reason why I did not shed more light. So please advice me because I feel like forgetting my parents and just keeping in touch with my immediate sister. Not the ones that grew up with mum cos they are disappointments.

With this experience, I naturally don't feel like getting married.

I hope to see comments that will change my life. Thank you in advance.

20 Likes 5 Shares

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by micfoley: 8:06pm On Apr 11, 2016
Take heart

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by pattybf(f): 8:08pm On Apr 11, 2016
so sad!

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by austine4real(m): 8:12pm On Apr 11, 2016
Take heart bro.

4give em i knw its hard.
Move on and make sure u dnt end up like em

14 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by salisuammy(f): 8:14pm On Apr 11, 2016
Don't let them define you. My parents were separated at the same age and I had to care for my younger brother who was 5 years while I was 11 but am happily married today with my children. I have forgiven my dad but I lost my beautiful mother in 2014. Just be happy and care for them especially your sisters.

56 Likes 5 Shares

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by Flexherbal(m): 8:17pm On Apr 11, 2016
Divorce always has a negative impact on the children.

21 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by delishpot: 8:20pm On Apr 11, 2016
My dear brother, tell them you have no time to spare and when ever you have time, you call them. As for the abuse you suffered, forgive them for your sake. Look forward to the future and be strong. May God see you through

7 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by Nobody: 8:21pm On Apr 11, 2016
@lollmaolol,

you can't forget your parents but you can make peace with them. Allow yourself to keep only minimum contact with them for some time.
I don't think that you are at this moment able to break it off entirely and with immediate effect but you can let it fade until you feel free. The moment you begin to feel free, is the moment you will make peace with your family story.




All is well.

4 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by byvan03: 8:38pm On Apr 11, 2016
You are an adult now, chart the course of your life and don't let another's mistake define you.

18 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by costandi(m): 8:50pm On Apr 11, 2016
Frank truth.

Brother, you should have gotten over this by now. But since you haven't, you still have hope. Yes, live the life you have created, and outlive the one another created. Remember, you only live once and you're not the worst of cases.

Forgiveness is key, and that's what gives you peace. Life is too short to carry hatred as a burden. Love your parents and your siblings alike. But don't be under pressure to do what you can't, live within your limits. Life will be such a joy.

17 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by Nobody: 8:53pm On Apr 11, 2016
byvan03:
You are an adult now, chart the course of your life and don't let another's mistake define you.

costandi:
Frank truth.
Brother, you should have gotten over this by now. But since you haven't, you still have hope. Yes, live the life you have created, and outlive the one another created. Remember, you only live once and you're not the worst of cases.

3 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by thorpido(m): 8:55pm On Apr 11, 2016
Polygamy and its issues.
Op,thank God for your life and where you have found yourself.It could have been worse!There are some in the same position as you who have turned criminals or drug addicts.

Forgive your parents but don't put yourself under pressure to please them.Call them when you can.
Most importantly,chart the course of your life and make something positive out of it.You can get married and have a stable home.Just make sure you don't toy with polygamy.Look for a girl who has a good head on her shoulders.

16 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by WHOcarex: 9:00pm On Apr 11, 2016
Even those with both parent still suffer. The only enemy na poverty

9 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by MARKone(m): 9:25pm On Apr 11, 2016
OP, yes you should get married, if your work, here in your take home pay, can enable you start your own family, then start making plans my brother. Your attention and energy will be channeled to your own family. Secondly, your parents separation can work you, learn from their mistakes, what ever led to their separation, you avoid them. You said your father was beating your mom, tell yourself you won't be him, don't raise your hand to your wife. You cannot bring your parents back together again, you need to move on, but remember they are still your parents.

But your mother quick remarry sha undecided

8 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by delishpot: 9:38pm On Apr 11, 2016
Judging by many replies here, I see that Nigerians do not take phycological effects of abuse into consideration when dealing with people who have experienced traumatic pasts. This is why we have many normal looking mad people in naija. No one understands or reaches out to them. They expect them to just shake it off and move on with life.

51 Likes 5 Shares

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by Slimzjoe(m): 10:22pm On Apr 11, 2016
We Just Cannot Choose Family

1 Like 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by cococandy(f): 11:12pm On Apr 11, 2016
Marry someone you love. And Marry one wife.
You would have reduced your chances of rife by half in doing so.

Your dad married two women and worse still in one bedroom apartment. His marital problems were entirely his fault not that marriage is a thing to be afraid of.

5 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by dangotesmummy: 2:32am On Apr 12, 2016
My dear op

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by dangotesmummy: 2:34am On Apr 12, 2016
Also learn from this man

7 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by lollmaolol(m): 9:08am On Apr 12, 2016
Thanks all I am grateful. I will apply your advice @
delishpot:
Jusgi g by many replies here, I see that Nigerians do not take phycological effects of abuse into consideration when dealing with people who have experienced traumatic pasts. This is why we have many normal looking mad people in naija. No one understands or reaches out to them. They expect them to just shake it off and move on with life.
I appreciate you so much, cos this was my most shameful part, which I got an unfair share. you are one in a million.

@
costandi:
Frank truth.
Brother, you should have gotten over this by now. But since you haven't, you still have hope. Yes, live the life you have created, and outlive the one another created. Remember, you only live once and you're not the worst of cases.
Forgiveness is key, and that's what gives you peace. Life is too short to carry hatred as a burden. Love your parents and your siblings alike. But don't be under pressure to do what you can, live within your limits. Life will be such a joy.
I am grateful for the forgiveness message.

I wish everybody in this kind of situation a safe way out. Cheers & Blessings to y'all

4 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by edwife(f): 9:21am On Apr 12, 2016
delishpot:
Jusgi g by many replies here, I see that Nigerians do not take phycological effects of abuse into consideration when dealing with people who have experienced traumatic pasts. This is why we have many normal looking mad people in naija. No one understands or reaches out to them. They expect them to just shake it off and move on with life.

Thank you very much for this post, no wonder we have a lot of angry,frustrated and nasty people in Nigeria."No one cares because they have been through worst" you will hear many Nigerians say. Human compassion is close to nothing.

This guy doesn't just need "forgive and move on because he is an adult" ,this is just one of the many steps he should take.
He needs psychological help.

His childhood was chartered by many events ranging from:

-his mother's abuse
-His mother's abandonment
-His father bringing in different women at such a tender age
-Him being sexually abused
Along the hussling line my spirit was broken by the happening in my family and was constantly been molested, as no one was home to supervise me while I was home, the older boy Musa in my house took advantage of me
-Lack of love
-Lack of a normal childhood
-Fending for himself at such a tender age

He had a rough childhood and still he has no one to turn to. He did more than enough in giving himself education and being responsible not many came this far.

Dear lollmaolol, what you need now is a professional to speak to.Don not ignore it and "just shake it off".It is not something you can shake off because you are an adult.Seek professional help, you need to heal psychologically and mentally.

Family history of violence, sexual abuse by a female, maternal neglect, and lack of supervision were all associated with a threefold-increased risk that the abused would become an abuser.

You might not see it now but you will end up having trust issues in your own word:
-i suspected my mum was seeing other men.
-mum had left with my 2 younger siblings. Shortly after the divorce, mum re-married to another.

A wife won't bring nothing to you no matter how good she is,do not marry until you sort yourself out.Leave women alone for now.

For your parents, you should talk to them and let them know how you truly feel, then tell them that they should let you sort yourself out first and that you will communicate with them when you feel you are ready,how long it will take you to forgive them and get over that it is entirely based on how well you feel. Healing is a long process and should never be rushed.

I wish you well and I appreciate you courage to come forward and seek help ,it is a great step to your healing journey.
May you find closure and become the man you want to be.

73 Likes 9 Shares

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by edwife(f): 9:24am On Apr 12, 2016
dangotesmummy:
Also learn from this man

Obama came from a loving family.His mother and grand parents were there for him, he might not have had a father-figure in his dad but he had in his grand-dad. He had the basic needs every child requires.Nobody abused him, he had love,protection and care.

Obama said his view of his father came more from a composite picture drawn from others than one he assembled himself from direct exposure. His mother and grandmother, though, usually accentuated his father's good qualities when he was growing up, so "a lot of his craziness I didn't end up internalizing."

7 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by Blade21: 9:50am On Apr 12, 2016
I know how you feel but this is it call your both parents together talk to them pour your whole heart and emotions out to them then forgive them for everything before moving on becuase if you carry this much hate inside of you , you won't know when you will start acting like your dad with so much anger and hate so my darling talk to them about it cry out your heart if you have to eventually you will heal as for your siblings that are baby mama's forgive them the also had a rough childhood and thereby followed the easy way out please make peace with yourself , all men then move on. I wish you the best of God dear

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by keepingmum: 10:09am On Apr 12, 2016
Sorry but can you please explain what your issues with your parents are? Specifically your mother and siblings?

You say you dont know who advised your mum to seek divorce; excuse me but in your own words, you acknowledge that
a) the beating was too much
b) your Father threw her OUT of the house
c) he accused her of outshining him?
d) your father still lives in his uncle's one room apartment 35 years after
e) your father couldnt keep 2 wives as both wives divorced him
f) your father kept bringing different women to the house, non of these women felt he was a husband material

What i have above there is a lazy man who could not provide for his home, love his wives nor even support his children; instead took out his frustrations on his wife.

Would you have preferred your mum remained till she was beaten to death? or remain celibate for the rest of her life? Is that how little you think of your mum? Do you not think that your mum deserves some respite, someone to love her, someone to look after the scars caused by your dad?

Now unto your sisters, your sisters are NOT babymama's because of a brokenhome. They are BM's because they CHOOSE that life. There are several BM's who came from loving homes so thats no excuse.

Finally, you say your parents didnt support you yet in the same sentence you say they supported you whilst in school. Its clear your parents arent rich/comfortable but they were able to support you from the little they had.

So please tell me, mr 30 something year old man, what do you want from your parents that you havent being given? Is it money, love?

May i suggest you go for therapy to re-orientate your mindset before you end up being a nightmare to the woman you marry. You are displaying the classic mindset of a potential abuser and i pray you seek the help you need

13 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by delishpot: 10:18am On Apr 12, 2016
edwife:


Thank you very much for this post, no wonder we have a lot of angry,frustrated and nasty people in Nigeria."No one cares because they have been through worst" you will hear many Nigerians say. Human compassion is close to nothing.

This guy doesn't just need "forgive and move on because he is an adult" ,this is just one of the many steps he should take.
He needs psychological help.

His childhood was chartered by many events ranging form:

-his mother's abuse
-His mother's abandonment
-His father bringing in different women at such a tender age
-Him being sexually abused

-Lack of love
-Lack of a normal childhood
-Fending for himself at such a tender age

He had a rough childhood and still he has no one to turn to. He did more than enough in giving himself education and being responsible not many came this far.

Dear lollmaolol, what you need now is a professional to speak to.Don not ignore it and "just shake it off".It is not something you can shake off because you are an adult.Seek professional help, you need to heal psychologically and mentally.

Family history of violence, sexual abuse by a female, maternal neglect, and lack of supervision were all associated with a threefold-increased risk that the abused would become an abuser.

You might not see it now but you will end up having trust issues in your own word:


A wife won't bring nothing to you no matter how good she is,do not marry until you sort yourself out.Leave women alone for now.

I wish you well and I appreciate you courage to come forward and seek help ,it is a great step to your healing journey.
May you find closure and become the man you want to be.


Well said. OP is in the first leg of his recovery. He has known that he was broken by his family and he has taken steps to fix the damage and has chosen to move on. He has also found that he needs time to come to terms with his past and as such needs time away from his parents nagging to heal. He needs to know that any harmless method he chooses to heal himself, be it staying away from his parents till he has overcome the hurt he feels towards them is a good one.
He needs to keep moving and realise that this journey should come naturally. If he can realize that humans are prone to fail us, even we as humans are prone to fail others too, the easier it will be for him forgive his past, to dust his past off and take control of his future with God by his side.

For those asking you to marry, they are just trying to add fuel to your fire. Marriage is for someone who is healthy psychologicaly. Dragging a woman down this lane will only make you, repeat the same mistake your dad made.
If you ask honestly, many people who date ore are married will tell you that the worse move of their lives was rushing into the arms of someone as soon as they experience a heartbreak. They will tell you they would have made a more informed and wiser choice if they had waited a while, get over their hurt and then reorganises their lives first before jumping into another relationship.

10 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by nasha1(f): 11:34am On Apr 12, 2016
keepingmum:
Sorry but can you please explain what your issues with your parents are? Specifically your mother and siblings?

You say you dont know who advised your mum to seek divorce; excuse me but in your own words, you acknowledge that
a) the beating was too much
b) your Father threw her OUT of the house
c) he accused her of outshining him?
d) your father still lives in his uncle's one room apartment 35 years after
e) your father couldnt keep 2 wives as both wives divorced him
f) your father kept bringing different women to the house, non of these women felt he was a husband material

What i have above there is a lazy man who could not provide for his home, love his wives nor even support his children; instead took out his frustrations on his wife.

Would you have preferred your mum remained till she was beaten to death? or remain celibate for the rest of her life? Is that how little you think of your mum? Do you not think that your mum deserves some respite, someone to love her, someone to look after the scars caused by your dad?

Now unto your sisters, your sisters are NOT babymama's because of a brokenhome. They are BM's because they CHOOSE that life. There are several BM's who came from loving homes so thats no excuse.

Finally, you say your parents didnt support you yet in the same sentence you say they supported you whilst in school. Its clear your parents arent rich/comfortable but they were able to support you from the little they had.

So please tell me, mr 30 something year old man, what do you want from your parents that you havent being given? Is it money, love?

May i suggest you go for therapy to re-orientate your mindset before you end up being a nightmare to the woman you marry. You are displaying the classic mindset of a potential abuser and i pray you seek the help you need

u must be a very wicked woman.u urself has been emotionally and verbally abused by ur ex husband so i am not surprise at the venom u are spewing here to this man who had a terrible childhood.
ur wickedness could not let u see that the mother left,and divorce and was not sent out of the house.
ur wickedness could not let u see dat he said he was too young 2 understand divorce and why his mother didn't come 4 his graduation only his dad was there.
u also need to heal and redress ur mind,kids need both parents and a secure home.Ur a single mother too,don't leave ur child and 30 years later tell him dat u left his dad becoz he was abusing u nd therefore they should just accept it and move on.
u suggest therapy so dat he can accept dat his mother was an angel but his father a monster,but not therapy for his internal wound from the abuse and neglect he suffered as a child.U see why Nigerians are very frustrated nd brute.

23 Likes 2 Shares

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by lollmaolol(m): 12:36pm On Apr 12, 2016
edwife:


Thank you very much for this post, no wonder we have a lot of angry,frustrated and nasty people in Nigeria."No one cares because they have been through worst" you will hear many Nigerians say. Human compassion is close to nothing.

Dear lollmaolol, what you need now is a professional to speak to.Don not ignore it and "just shake it off".It is not something you can shake off because you are an adult.Seek professional help, you need to heal psychologically and mentally.

Family history of violence, sexual abuse by a female, maternal neglect, and lack of supervision were all associated with a threefold-increased risk that the abused would become an abuser.

You might not see it now but you will end up having trust issues in your own word:


A wife won't bring nothing to you no matter how good she is,do not marry until you sort yourself out.Leave women alone for now.

For your parents, you should talk to them and let them know how you truly feel, then tell them that they should let you sort yourself out first and that you will communicate with them when you feel you are ready,how long it will take you to forgive them and get over that it is entirely based on how well you feel. Healing is a long process and should never be rushed.

I wish you well and I appreciate you courage to come forward and seek help ,it is a great step to your healing journey.
May you find closure and become the man you want to be.

@edwife, my colleague almost suspected my sober reflection while reading your response, I will seek the advice of a psychology expert as you have advised. Many thanks for your time. Cheers

4 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by lollmaolol(m): 12:41pm On Apr 12, 2016
keepingmum:
Sorry but can you please explain what your issues with your parents are? Specifically your mother and siblings?


So please tell me, mr 30 something year old man, what do you want from your parents that you havent being given? Is it money, love?

May i suggest you go for therapy to re-orientate your mindset before you end up being a nightmare to the woman you marry. You are displaying the classic mindset of a potential abuser and i pray you seek the help you need

Thank you, I was able to pick something from you. I appreciate your time also but I am not 30 yet, the timeline provided gave an exact figure.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by MadCow1: 2:16pm On Apr 12, 2016
Sorry Bro..

You will be alright
Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by Nobody: 2:16pm On Apr 12, 2016
1. "I figured out mum was seeing another man." This is unacceptable! Your dad did the needful shocked

2. "Shortly after the divorce, mum re-married to another." You should have seen this coming, refer to point above.

3. "...currently baby mama." Please what does this term mean? You need to expatiate undecided

4. "Though they supported while I was in the university, but I still hussled to get school fees paid. I guess they want share returns." They have done their bit, at least they cared.

5. "With this experience, I naturally don't feel like getting married." This assertion is wrong. I suggest you build a career first and become independent. The future is great and clear in Nigeria. Do not contemplate suicide or exercise your frustration on the society. Take care of your self and see the brighter side.

6. Polygamy, weak marriages, too many children and lack of respect for the marriage institution have destroyed homes, children and talent. The last 16 years have been tough for homes, no good paying job, class dominance, evil of lust and false charm have resulted in disappointing aspirations for the youth in the social environment. embarassed embarassed embarassed

4 Likes

Re: My Parents Divorce Left My Life In Shambles by ybalogs(m): 2:30pm On Apr 12, 2016
what God hates the most but allowed is divorce. It always has a negative toll on the children mostly, hence the fact that you turned out fine in the end is worth thanking God for. Through all your hustles, you would have seen different things that could have defined you permanently but through God's grace, you excelled.
Now, don't see yourself as if you made yourself who you are presently. Parents will be parents and you've got to know they'll always love you more than anybody else on earth so just do what you have to do as a good child.
And blaming your siblings ain't worth it at all. It could have been you but fortunately for you, it is them. As you're the father of the house, bro, it's never too late to make their life better. Just do what you need to do and you'll be rewarded accordingly by God. Cheers bro.

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