A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're
going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She
hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you
to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

And this is for you girls; A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see
a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have
5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for,
you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling
you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men
on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and
handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall
and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors
left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and
handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that
there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on
up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was
built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot
on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got
to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was
crippled."

make u na no kill pesin 4 this place o. my intestines are almost out

@gabrielgb lol hahaha u got me luffin

@Shens2006 hahaha plz bro take it easy

Nice one bro

It was Sandy’s birthday, Sandy and her friends were blowing balloons for the party later on, after running out of balloons she went into her mum’s room and got out what she thought were balloons she went into her mum’s room and got out what she thought were balloons not knowing they were condoms.
When she and her friends finished decorating the room, her mum and her older teenage sister came back form shopping. Recognizing what it was, her mum started shouting at her sister NAWOOOOOO ASHSHAWOOOOO. And started beating her severely, Sandy rushed down and asked what was going on and her mum asked her where she got the decorations from.
Sandy said Mama I got it from your room

A guy took his girl friend to a night club. after several hours, he asked her how she was feeling.
the girl answered saying am feeling fantastic how about you?
he replied am feeling cokeastic

At a Sunday service a Pastor was ministering to his congregation

Pastor: Brethren, if you want a model of love, open your bibles to Luke 10: 30-37

Congregation: yes the good Samaritan

Pastor: If you want a model of Forgiveness open to Luke 15: 11-32

Congregation: Yes the prodigal son

Pastor: if you want a model of Generosity open to Luke 21: 1-4

Congregation: The widow’s contribution

Pastor: But if you want a model of how brothers should not treat themselves where should one go?

Congregation: Ife and Modakeke or Niger Delta these are places in Nigeria

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
What seems to be the problem he asked?
The wife began talking over an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her picked her up by her shoulders and kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards the wife sat there speechless.
He looked at the husband who was staring in disbelieve at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband: your wife needs that at least twice a week
The husband scratched his head and replied “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays

A guy went to the doctor to get the result of a health check. The doctor says I’ve got good news and bad news which do you want first?

Guy: good news first

Doctor: ok you got 24 hours to live

Guy: dang! What’s the bad news?

Doctor: I should have told you yesterday

A certain church was in need of a new bell-ringer. A guy with no arms comes along and says hey! I can do it.
But you’ve got no arms, you can’t do this job says the church leader
The new applicant shouted back sure I can I’ll do it with my mouth
So the church hired him and he began his bell-ringing the following day
Unfortunately for him, the bell was too heavy for him and since he was making use of his mouth it tossed him out of the window and splatters him dead. A few minutes later, a large crowd gathers round him.
Who is that guy? One person asks
I don’t know says another, but his face sure rings a bell.

?

@ crazykid hahahahaha ur really gettin me screamin here

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother “mummy, today in school, I was punished for something I didn’t do”. The mother exclaimed, but that’s terrible, I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this. By the way , what was it that you didn’t do?
The little girl replied my home work.

There was a beggar who used to sit near a bank. He usually held a plate when begging. One day he changed the plate to two. A curious man, who used to give the beggar money, saw him with two plates and this surprised him. He went to the beggar and dropped money in both plates. He then asked the beggar why he was holding two plates. The beggar answered saying, “my son, business has not been too good for me, and so I decided to open a branch office”.

Sex can be Athletic: Oh Faster, Faster

Sex can be Confusing: Oh yes, Oh no

Sex can be Religious: Oh my God, oh my God

Sex can be Deadly: Oh, you’re wounding, you’re wounding me

;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d ;d

A nun went to see a doctor for the result of her urine test. But they got mixed up. So when the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried “Oh my God” we can’t even trust candles now!

An elderly man went into confessionand said to the priest, "father I'm 80 years old, married have four kids 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new pill, and last night i had a affair and made love to 18-year old girls both of them twice.

Rev Father: When was the last time you were in a confession

Man: Never father, I've never been in a confession

Rev Father: Then why are you telling me

Man: because I'm telling everybody

There was once a child who thought “lunch” was a special kind of food. One day his mother said to him, Billy come and have you lunch.
Billy was so happy and ran quickly to the kitchen only to find out it was the regular fu-fu he ate almost every afternoon. Billy frowned and said to his mother, mum, I thought you were going to give me lunch.
His mother replied saying, any food you eat in the afternoon is your lunch.

I've got my white stained cos I could not control my laughter which left me rolling on the dirty floor.

hahahaha crazy kid ur so damn funny

@ Yimsfred plz take it easy lol

Am glad you all enjoyed them

I still got more coming

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won’t be able to wheel back.
“You’re on old man” the braggart replied, “let’s see what you got”.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the hands, and then nodded to the young man, he said, “all right get in”.

In a foregin hospital various medical experts were boasting about their medical intelligence.

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks".

A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks".

A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".

A Nigerian doctor not to be outdone says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain, made him President, and now half the country is looking for work" No be me talk am oo

hahahaha joka u shuld b a comedian

A nine year old boy came back from church. His mother asked him what he learnt at church.

Mum: Johnny, What did you learn at church today?

Johnny: Well mum, our Sunday school teacher told us how God rescued the Israelites form the Egyptians.

Mum: Really? So tell me, how did your teacher say they were rescued?

Johnny: He told us that God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Read Sea, he had his engineers build a foot bridge and everyone walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio the headquarters for reinforcement. They sent out some men to ambush behind the bridge, and as soon as the Egyptians began to cross in order to pursue the Israelites, he gave the order, and his men blew up the bridge. And all the Egyptians fell into the sea and the Israelites were saved.

Mum: Is that really how your teacher told you God saved the Israelites?

Johnny: Not really mum, but if I told you the way the teacher told me, you’ll never believe me.

Beautygyal:

hahahaha joka u shuld b a comedian

I won't mind if you hire me so i can tell you stories that 'll make you happy. _{did i say hire? i won't mind doing it for free}

Glad to see you are holding this down man, but you have to tell me what the world's most identical twins actually are!

i find johnny's remark so cuteeee
'if I told you the way the teacher told me, you’ll never believe me'.

one in a million and original.had a good laugh.the boys forgot that the police man was not their uncle.