Former President Goodluck Jonathan got another speaking gig at Oxford Oct. 24. Those white kids in the Oxford Union asked him to speak on entrepreneurship. The speech was some 2000-word long. And he made a yawn of it talking bunk: his scholarship programmes, YOUWIN, a turkey, according to the Nigeria Security and Reconciliation Programme 2014 report. He also talked about how he asked himself some brainless questions a 50-year-old Ph.D. holder shouldn’t be asking—because Adams Smith asked and answered them donkey’s years back.

But all that bull was sexy— since it tumbled out of the gin-trap of Jonathan, formerly the most aha’ed president on earth, now a poster child for how to lose a $2.1-billion- funded re-election in Africa, and still be a keynote speaker flitting around the world. The kids gave him a big hand.

Then came question time.

And things went pear-shaped. The Nigerian media, the Lagos-based foreign correspondents who covered the event at Oxford, twisted his responses. And those other Twitter newshounds ground out hack jobs that made the Otuoke champ trend again—for all the dumb reasons.

Oh, blame those bogeymen from Aso Rock. They are still stalking him, miscasting his statements as his speechwriter and witchdoctor Reuben Abati said last week. Here is the most viral reporter’s devil ever attributed to Jonathan thanks to Satan:

They said the National Security Adviser stole $2.2billion. I don’t believe somebody can just steal $2.2 billion. We bought warships, we bought aircraft, we bought lots of weapons for the army and so on and so forth and you are still saying 2.2 billion, so where did we get the money to buy all those things?

Was that what he said? Perhaps.

But the spirit of the statement was different.

Listen good.

This is what Jonathan actually meant to say: “That glum-looking bastard wouldn’t have stolen $2.2 billion under my nose; he definitely must have raided the CBN vault to have gotten so much cash. And, you know, I am not a lion—like I have always told you”.

Doesn’t that flush with Jonathan’s idea—that stealing is different from corruption? It’s all about the turn of phrase. And the Nigerian journalists just missed the nuance: ex-NSA Sambo Dasuki is a worn out jackboot, trained in grabbing and ambushing and extracting and use of force. A stealer doesn’t do all that, especially around a beady eye like Jonathan’s.

The point is: Jonathan is no longer clueless. How ya know? He flies around the world wearing suit and foolscap, delivering speeches. Only shitheads—bleeders a notch above clueless—dog out that way. And Jonathan, at Oxford, actually cut a dash as he sweated it out bending history and picking words to cover the Dasuki sleaze which he heard his ex-Minister Musliu Obanikoro confirm to the in a N4.7 billion confession, Abati explain his own N50 million story. Jonathan’s election campaign media manager Femi Fani-Kayode even fainted as he tried to vomit his N1.1 billion story in EFCC’s cage. PDP’s ex-publicist Olisa Metuh’s N400 million, too. And many more. All of them came from Dasuki.

Lucky Jonathan! No journalist could ask him about those confessions. And he ran away, leaving the Nigerian media with a nouthful to feast on—until another speech. Dasuki may have spat it out then—that his boss signed off the transfer memos. Jonathan will then tell you something else, like: There was no way I could have known people I trusted that much—Dasuki, Obanikoro, CBN Gov. Godwin Emefiele, Fani-Kayode, Usman Nenadi, and others—were creeps. I trusted them and I approved their memos.

Then the chinwags begin, and all the viral journalists will go hog-wild, trying to make Nigerians believe the former president is a stupe. But the mousy hubby of Patience (who is still beating out her skull to remember how $31 million crawled into her account) is media-smart—with or without Abati.

Jonathan sure knows what makes Nigeria’s media tick.
Read more at http://justspreadit.com/2016/10/27/1517/

Damn lol. I don't even know where to start. You're so angry OP.... please smile.

I really liked Jonas speech, I've never watched him give one before. It made me sad, cause I realized we used to actually have intellectuals running this country. I thought Jona kinda needed protection, but he's actually smarter than I thought. He can protect himself. His answers were good, and not at all spiteful or jaded. I was proud of Africa when I saw him. One of the more articulate leaders we've ever had.

The slow poke OP has dementia Precoax,dont spread hatred even if your political ideologies are different, word of advise from the elders

Whoever has given the OP this kind of weed must be wicked than Buhari!
Sorry my dear. E no go better for am...

Very funny. I'm still laughing

The op is a very gifted writer.

When government accepts responsibility for people, then people no longer take responsibility for themselves. - George Pataki

OP just another of the many still pained GEJ that is flying high. Even Elementary arithmetic from the exaggerated figures of the buhari Admin, doesn't add up to 10% of 2.2bn$.