Why do women blame themselves unnecessarily whenever  their relationship go sour?. Why do women always feel that they must share part of the blame for the broken relationship even when the man may be a HE goat?.

He left me for my best friend and met his end; am I to blame?

Monday, October 26, 2009
Dear Readers,





http://odili.net/news/source/2009/oct/26/600.html

It is a strange world we live, where friends snatch their friends' husband Our writer today needs your advice to go on with her life after her husband left her for her best friend. Please, read and advise her. Thanks, Monica Taiwo.

Dear Taiwo,

My name is Funmi. I met my husband in Ondo State after my NCE programme. We were friends for sometime but later things started getting serious between us. Dare was very understanding and caring and, moreover, we are from the same town. This earned him my family's love.

Dare was not educated; he dropped out of school because of financial constraint. I didn’t see that as a problem because I believe Dare would go back to school when things get better for him.

In the interim, he learnt tailoring somewhere in town. The love I had for him then did not allow me to see anything wrong in what he was doing.

I got transferred to Ibadan to teach in a primary school and, after, I persuaded Dare to join me so that we could continue our relationship. He did not agree at first, but after so much persuasion, he agreed. We started living together.

For about three years, Dare could not lay his hands on anything; he was always complaining that there were no customers. When things did not get better, he said he wanted to be a cab driver, I agreed with him and we saved some money and bought him a Mistibushi car.

After some months, I discovered that I was pregnant and well, Dare did not deny this and he was ready to marry me. My parents were not happy with me because I got pregnant before marriage, but because Dare was ready to have my hand in marriage they had no choice, they conceeded. The wedding day was fixed and we started preparing.

I called my childhood friend, Funke, to inform her of my intentions and also to ask her to be my chief bride’s maid. Funke had been in Ibadan before I relocated there. She and I went for shopping in preparation for the wedding.

Funke was very supportive even after the wedding, she was a shoulder to lean on. Our friendship took another dimension after; we got closer.

I forgot to tell you that she was a fashion designer too and things were quite okay with her, so I advised her to try and get a man to settle down with and to this, we started praying for a God-sent man who would be her husband.

In due time, God answered our prayers; a brother to one of her customers showed interest in her and after some months, they did introduction and started living together; this was when I had my first baby, a girl.

Just like a true friend, Funke played a prominent role during the naming ceremony; it was as if it was her child and after some months, she also became pregnant, and my advice to her as a friend was that she should formalise the wedding so that she would not have the baby out of wedlock. She took my advice and got married.

After some years, my husband started behaving funny; he started keeping late nights. He neglected his responsibilities at home and stopped caring for the children.

I became worried over this and raised the issue with him, but all to no avail; he wouldn't bulge.

I was itching so much to pour out my mind to someone but I couldn't since Funke rarely came visiting like before and I was also very busy with my work. However, I went to our home town to report Dare to his people; I didn't know I was digging the grave for my marriage. By the time I got home, Dare had completely abandoned the children and went away.

The children later told me that he came the night I left for Ondo, asked after me and went ahead to pack some of his clothes and went out that night. I was perplexed when I heard this. Where could he have gone to?

[s]Nobody knew his whereabouts. I tried to look for him, but to no avail. On a fateful day, Lekan, one of my children, said he saw him around Funke’s place at night. My heart beat with hope and I thought I had found my man. But the boy reported that when Dare saw him, he didn’t say anything but went in quietly into Funke’s apartment.

I was shocked and confused and wondered what he could be doing in Funke’s flat at that time of the night. When Lekan sensed I was very worried he let the cat out of the bag. He said one of Funke's sons in his school had told him secretly that Dare had been in their house all these while.[/s]

I was so confused at that piece of information that I almost ran crazy. I cried myself to sleep that night. The following morning, I decided to see Funke to confirm what Lekan had told me. To my surprise, I saw Funke with a bulging tummy! Of course, she couldn’t have been impregnated by her husband who had been in London.

She was shocked when she saw me but she summoned courage and confronted me when I asked about Dare. To my utmost shock, Funke ordered me out of her house and warned me not to come there again. She shouted on me and called me all sorts of names.

I was dumbfounded even as passersby were asking me what happened, I couldn’t say anything. I couldn't believe Dare and my best friend could connive to do this to me. I accepted my fate and pulled myself together.

I knew I needed the strength to bring up my children and to continue with my life. I got closer to God. However, I later learnt that Dare and Funke had packed out of the house to live in a street, not quite far from ours.

Funke gave birth some months after and had a baby boy. I learnt that some people in our street attended the naming ceremony. I didn't allow that to bother me as I was ready to go on with my life without him.

It wasn't long after this, that I heard the rumour that Dare was sick and was admitted to a hospital. I pitied him and wanted to go and see him, but I didn't want Funke to see me and start calling me names. Things, however, did not get better for him because he died after some weeks.

I felt terrible and cried bitterly. As if this was not enough, some weeks after, Funke also died mysteriously. Taiwo, this was the last straw that broke the camel's back. People on the street believed I did something; they accused me and called me a witch, alleging that I was the brain behind their deaths.

This was enough pain for me and my children. How could I have done a thing like that, after all he left me and my children and met his end. How am I to be blamed? Please, advise me on what to do.

She's not blamin herself. She's just saying that people are blamng her

Not all women! Not all are soft hearted.

From what I read,she didn't kill her husband or has any reason to blame herself. That serves the man right. As for the people blaming her for killing him;they need a shrink.

Generally speaking, women tend to blame themselves over relationships gone bad whether its their fault or not.

Its the society's fault. Look at the terrible state of Nigeria, if a woman has only girls, she is branded a witch/ogbanje or any other terrible thing when infact its the man's fault she keeps having girls etc. The society needs a major overhaul. Women are really oppressed in that country.

Ben-10:

Not all women! Not all are soft hearted.

Exactly

SeanT21:

Some women feels that they did not give the man what he wanted so that's why he ran off.

She takes it as a really personal,thinking there was that one thing she probably didnt give the man that he was getting somewhere else

9 times out of 10 when this sort of story happens in naija, jazz has been involved.

Her story has all the symptoms of jazzing them by herself, why?

1. She confronted her gf and when that one insulted her in public, she kept silent and never went back.
2. She reported him to his family and they did nothing about it either so she just decided to move on without him.
3. When he got ill, she didnt visit [I dont blame her for not visiting either], and that sort of gives u someone to point an accusing finger at.

A woman cannot just come and snatch your husband like that, maybe your boyfriend but certainly not your husband. They were not divorced and her husband was not married to her friend, so why did she just give everything up like that? Marriage is not that soft abeg.

Honestly, I think she did it [and justifiably so], but i also know i could be wrong.