A DIALOGUE WITH A NAIRALANDER

A not-so- cool Sunday afternoon. Having my small bag by my side, and deeply engrossed in what Simon Kolawole, my favourite Naija columnist, had for me in the day’s edition of ThisDay, the Bellview delay was less painful.

Suddenly approaching me was a fair skinned lady. “ Jarus of Nairaland!”, she whispered. Not sure whether she was sure or just guessing, I smiled. “Oh, you  saw the inscription at the back of my jersey”, I recalled that was the only reason reason she would have confronted me. “Hmmnnn, nice meeting you, you’re talking to the ‘big headed monster’ behind the username Jarus”.

“Why did you call yourself big-headed, ori e ju t’egbe lo now?”
“My mind told me you were bootycall, the lady nairalander that once called me ‘big-headed’”, but I forgot she’s not Naija based, and secondly, speaking Yoruba, you cannot be bootycall”

“So what’s your username?”
“I won’t tell you.”
“No problems. You’ve seen Jarus at the back of my jersey, so I need not hide my own”
“You are wearing Arsenal jersey. Are you an Arsenal fan?”
“Since 2001”
“But I have never seen you post in Arsenal thread in Sports section”
“Don’t mind me. I only discuss Super Eagles matches on NL”
“I’m also an Arsenal fan. But there are many Arsenal fans in Nigeria o”
“Lamido Sanusi is also an Arsenal fan”
“This man, you don start again. Can you say two sentences without mentioning Sanusi. No wonder Mbulela accused you of hero-worshipping on NL, a la Dele Momodu”
“That was the name that came to my mind when I wanted to mention Nigerian high profile personalities that support Arsenal. Governor Bukola Saraki is another one.”
“ So that Sharia man also watches football?”
“abio. . . . but more seriously, Hausa people like football even more than we Yorubas, but most of them support Spanish clubs like Barca and Madrid”
“How did you know Sanusi supports Arsenal? How did you know his private preferences if you’re not his PR agent as you claim on NL? Or did you read that in his articles too?”
Laughing, “Don’t let us start Sanusi discussion at the airport here. We’ll not be able to finish it. But to answer your question, I knew he supports Arsenal through a chance remark from a brother of mine, also an Arsenal fan, that was with Sanusi in a dinner when he was First Bank MD.”

“Ok. Now, let’s talk about Nairaland generally”
“No problems. But you’re still owing me your NL ID”
Evasively, she started “ Jarus, you spend so much time on NL”
“What do you say of Mr Crackles?”
“Stop being a typical Nigerian that answers question with question. We are not talking about MrCrackles. Why do you spend so much time on NL?”
“You nko?”
“ Emi omo. I do more of reading than posting”
“ Nairaland is just too fun, too irresistible. I like the debates. I like the hilarious posts. With the likes of Becommrich, you can’t stop laughing on NL. I also learn English on NL”
“Learn grammar on NL? Stop kidding me Jarus. With all those grammar you blow on NL”
“Are you sure you’re not confusing me with Jakumo?”
“Who doesn’t know Jakumo?”
“I’m just surprised you said I blow grammar. You can’t give what you don’t have. I no sabi big grammar to blow.”

“Ok, but oyb recently said you don’t have a sense of humour”
“Ok, henceforth, I’ll be painting my posts with open-mouth emoticons”
Laughs, “you’re not serious. Iyen lan ba e so ni, abi kotujuka”
“ok. Moti tujuka”
“Jarus, but do you know you agree with oyb that you post too seriously on NL, crossing your T’s and dotting your I’s as if you’re writing exams”
“ I agree 100%”
“Somebody also once accused you of being bragful”
“Oh, that's server33”
“Do you agree you’re boastful?”
“I don’t know but I like TKB’s answer to server33’s accusation in that thread in career section”
“ You’re the Moderator of the Muslims section now?”
“Yes ke”
“Some people have accused you of . . .”
“e-terrorism abi?”
‘‘I never heard of that o. But some people complain you delete posts anyhow”
“Na Noetic dey call me e-terrorist. But all na fun sha. I don’t care about people say about me. Religion sections are the most difficult to moderate. So you gotta tolerate all sort of name-calling”
“But Jarus, admit, you pamper Abuzola”
“Abuzola na baby?”
‘’No. I mean you allow him to post all sorts of things without banning him”
“ What many people don’t know is that we Mods can’t ban. We can only warn or at most, recommend for ban”
“Ok.Fine. Another thing. I read somewhere that you’re a freelance journalist”
“I don’t know the definition of journalism!”
“But Ibime, I think, said you were a freelance journalist in Sagamite’s thread on poor journalism in Nigeria”
“Na you go tell me I be journalist or na Ibime? I am an Accountant?”
“But you have written many articles”
“That’s just an extra-professional interest”
“Jarus?”

“But wait, is your name Funmi? Because it is Funmi Deepzone I know that likes asking questions?”
“Funmi is in the States”
“Can’t she come to Nigeria?”
“I’m not Funmi”
“Ok. Call isu for me”
“Isu”
“I thought you will say usu”
Laughs, “because Funmi is Ijesha abi. Jarus, I don’t know you’re this hilarious. I used to think you’re a boko haram, being the Mod of the Muslims on NL”
“I be Mallam o. Because I dey wear Arsenal jersey abi. Because I no wear Muslim gown(Jalabia)” Laughter
"By the way, what's Funmi posting as now?"
"Me I no know o"
"But Dayokanu is sure Funmi is Aloy Emeka and Lamidi-Obi?"
"Tell that to the ants. Aloy Emeka is a male. He is also an Igbo"
"Siddon there"
"Tell me something?"
"Go ask Dayokanu now''
"Hmmnnn, orisirisi. . . .but you can't tell me Funmi is Lamidi-Obi. . .lailai, I can't accept that. Funmi cannot write like that"
"Just siddon there. U no sabi anything for Nairaland"

'K-o-k-o-r-o-n-k-o-o-o. . . .', suddenly crowed Baba Taju's cock.
"Oh, it's 4.30 am. Kai ala go o, I'm dreaming about Nairaland again", I uttered as I got up to say my prayers.

You have an over active imagination.

;d

Jarus:

'K-o-k-o-r-o-n-k-o-o-o. . . .', suddenly crowed Baba Taju's cock.
"Oh, it's 4.30 am. Kai ala go o, I'm dreaming about Nairaland again", I uttered as I got up to say my prayers.

You may wish to invest in an alarm clock. Face it, that cock may not survive Xmas

PS: Lest i forget, this has nothing to do with Politics. You're a Mod. Lead by example

@poster


what is all this nonsense- ;pls move this sh it to the jokes section

ok. actually started out as a political discussion, but later ended as a general NL discussion. Mod may move to Nairaland section, think dats a better section.

texazzpete:

You may wish to invest in an alarm clock. Face it, that cock may not survive Xmas

LOL. . .i don buy alarm now

MrCrackles:

Interesting. . .

That, actually, is the intention.

I just imagined what could have happened if I met another very active Nairalander.
Chose airport as scene because it's one of the places you can easily jam a Nairalander.
Imagined I wore a jersey with the inscription Jarus to make the identification scenario sensible
Selected a number of recent and past issues on NL as subject of discussion.
Ended it as a dream, to make it dramatic, and also make less discerning understand that it's just an imagination.