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My Brother On Hard Drugs: 18 Years Of Pains And Sorrow. I Need Help! / My Marriage Is Being Tested. I Need Your Advice / Photo Of A Husband Backing His Plus-Sized Wife Through Pains (2) (3) (4)
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by dangotesmummy: 9:34am On Dec 02, 2016 |
Exactly my sentiments. They will read meaning into everything she does even if she doesn't mean anything By the way how can they still be using firewood in 2016? If you said stove that's still understandable.even my grand ma uses stove before she died. I can imagine the kind of family Op married into.they're very Bush loto Onegai: 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by dangotesmummy: 9:42am On Dec 02, 2016 |
Nic3:then you should be able to get a place. Don't wallow in self pity.if you don't know don't just sit at home. Move out and ask people. Ask your church member friends Ask your own girlfriends living around kaduna ask your friends husbands Ask your colleagues at work .one of them will give you a link. You don't have to start explaining to them the reason for your moving out just tell them you need an apartment thats affordable. If for example You earn 100k per month just say you're looking for a decent apartment between 40-50k.if they don't know they too Will ask their friends. YOU will just have to keep calling them on phone to remind them |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by eyinjuege: 9:43am On Dec 02, 2016 |
Nic3: Mama Aliko,here's your answer above. dangotesmummy: I'm sure you purposely skipped this part of her narrative, mama aliko. Do you expect them to go and steal? Or move into her own family's home or friends place? Until they do that before they understand staying in Baba's house is a luxury. Pls give a practical solution to what's on ground. They cannot afford a place right now. How do you know if she even earns up to 20k monthly? What if her husband even earns less? And trying to put more financial pressure on someone who's bothered by ordinary gossip will only worsen her mental state IMO. Who likes living with in-laws if they can afford not to? Even if she's asked to wash her FILs clothes, what's wrong with that? There's no free lunch in Freetown. She washes his clothes and even does other house work to it sef in exchange for boarding, and mind you her husband to is not exempt from waging his father's clothes. At least the old man could have rented out the place and be getting money out of it. If she lived with her own parents too, she would probably do more housework there sef for them, and her husband too will see pepper in his in-laws house 2 Likes |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by WomanOfRace(f): 9:43am On Dec 02, 2016 |
Sweetheart,i can feel your pain but it shouldn't be so. You have tried your best but yet not your best. Your first duty is to God,your husband,yourself and then the rest comes 4th. Please and please if you are a christian,marry God and your bible,you will find comfort and solution to happy you. You owe no one but God. Do what is good and right,don't try to please every one but do what you ought to. Close your ear to gossips and try to save up with your husband so you people can move out. Discuss that with him and make moving out priority. Never stop praying for heart of man is evil....with time,things will be ok. Cheer up ok? life is what you make it for yourself. 3 Likes |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by dangotesmummy: 9:49am On Dec 02, 2016 |
eyinjuege:according to her she claimed that SHE IS ABOVE HER HUSBAND so what I deduced from that is that she meant she's more financially ok THAN her husband so she can combine both her salary and her husbands income to get another place to stay even if it's just a little house at least it's better than staying in a house with no peace a nd a place she's not happy or comfortable and by the way there's no how you'll be aware that some people ARE gossiping about you and you'll be indifferent and comfortable in that environment.common na.get real. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by bbeautylik(f): 9:54am On Dec 02, 2016 |
eyinjuege:You are right she might be earning 20k and he might be earning less..... which might be used for feeding and other things, then what is there to save? |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by wadetaw202: 10:02am On Dec 02, 2016 |
Nic3: Is accommodation so expensive in kaduna? Why not look for just 2 rooms and manage for now with your husband? Your husband sef try. What's the idea of staying with your parents after marriage? A complete man will never do that. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by eyinjuege: 10:47am On Dec 02, 2016 |
dangotesmummy:Because she says she's above her husband doesn't mean she's comfortable. Even in face me I slap you houses, some people claim to be above their neighbors, because their neighbors have SSCE, and they have OND. This is also an online forum, and one has to learn to read in btw the lines Also, people's perceptions may infact not be the reality. If she was able to afford it, she probably would have gotten a place by now. Meanwhile, I'm personally immune to gossip. Most times, I'm indifferent to people and their childish tantrums. If a FIL decides to be childish, its his loss and I wouldn't even lose any sleep over it. I've got more important things to do than to bother about other people's wrong perceptions about me. No time 7 Likes |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by dangotesmummy: 11:31am On Dec 02, 2016 |
eyinjuege:but it's affecting her and getting to her |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nobody: 12:21pm On Dec 02, 2016 |
dangotesmummy: did you read the part she said her bil and his wife aren't working but feeds with the help of mil, Op and husband also could not afford apartment of their own I would want to ask who sponsored those marriage traditional expenses since they have to rely on mil to feed and accommodation but I would sincerely wants to know which culture are they practicing |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by eyinjuege: 1:46pm On Dec 02, 2016 |
dangotesmummy: That's why she needs to be encouraged so it doesn't affect her. For now, she can aim and start saving towards getting a new place. If you have to save for 2 years to be able to afford a place of your own, then its not worth it as you won't b able to maintain subsequent payments of your rent. They should aim at getting a better source of income as this would make sense. Naturally, their standard of living will go up, and they can get somewhere affordable. That's the first thing they should seek IMO. The best way to live through the bad situation she's in is to develop a tough skin and not be moved by gossip. Who gossip epp? Go to your teacher work, come back. If you can get some small change to be selling some petty things in front of the house after closing, do so.- A small kiosk will do. Sell eggs, pure water, snacks which you can make by yourself or even the food they say you cannot cook. People must eat, especially if its tasty. Let your FIL know of course and plead with him to allow you use the front of his house, or let your husband ask his father. Let everyone see that you don't have time, and you're a busy person. Even if they don't like you, they will respect your zeal 1 Like |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by eyinjuege: 1:47pm On Dec 02, 2016 |
dangotesmummy: That's why she needs to be encouraged so it doesn't affect her. For now, she can aim and start saving towards getting a new place. If you have to save for 2 years to be able to afford a place of your own, then its not worth it as you won't b able to maintain subsequent payments of your rent. They should aim at getting a better source of income as this would make sense. Naturally, their standard of living will go up, and they can get somewhere affordable. That's the first thing they should seek IMO. The best way to live through the bad situation she's in is to develop a tough skin and not be moved by gossip. Who gossip epp? Go to your teacher work, come back. If you can get some small change to be selling some petty things in front of the house after closing, do so.- A small kiosk will do. Sell eggs, pure water, snacks which you can make by yourself or even the food they say you cannot cook. People must eat, especially if its tasty. Let your FIL know of course and plead with him to allow you use the front of his house, or let your husband ask his father. Let everyone see that you don't have time, and you're a busy person. Even if they don't like you, they will respect your zeal. Make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed you. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by dangotesmummy: 2:10pm On Dec 02, 2016 |
eyinjuege:well I get your point but my point is that she has to make herself scarce in that house. The insult is too much. Even if she has to make herself busy she should sell elsewhere not in front of the house before her in-laws come to start buying things on credit or taking things without paying and then claiming shebi I'm your inlaw (you know Nigerians and sentiments ) and IF she insists they pay another bad blood will start 1 Like |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by abimbawealth(f): 9:01pm On Dec 02, 2016 |
Only on zeeworld |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by EfemenaXY: 9:46am On Dec 03, 2016 |
Nic3: Hmm...odd, but fascinating story. This is what happens when people bow to societal pressure and rush to get married even when they're obviously ill-prepared for it. Madam, you've walked straight into poverty and the sooner you accept your reality, the better for you. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being poor, but you need to learn how to sit up and cope with your situation. I don't know what your culture is (not that it matters here), but it does sound very traditional, very communal and you need to adjust. There is a saying, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. You knew the situation before walking into that marriage. You knew your husband was a low earner and couldn't afford his own place. You knew you'd both be living with your inlaws and you certainly knew your inlaws cooked with firewood etc. What you need to do is come down to their level. As a new wife, this is your opportunity to learn from the older ones. At this stage, you'll be forgiven for making mistakes but expected to learn. From day 1, you ought to be very observant. So papa doesn't like your food - what do you do then? I'll tell you: when mama (MIL) wants to cook, take off your high heels, tie wrapper, and follow her to the backyard and learn how to cook with firewood. Find out what he likes and ask mama to teach you. Learn how to go down on your knees and work that grinding stone. See, there's a way to cook soup and there are ways to cook that same soup. The same soup cooked the traditional way (grinding stone, fire wood, etc) would taste different from one cooked the modern way (blender, gas cooker, etc). I even heard / read somewhere that the smoke from the firewood gives its own special flavour. Find out what ingredients MIL uses for cooking his food too. Maybe she's not into Maggi but prefers traditional spices. Let me ask you something: how come your "jobless sister in law" seems to be getting on well with the family but you aren't? Or you think she doesn't get tongue lashed by her in-laws too? I bet she does. The only difference between her and you is that she was smart, and quick to learn. You need to do the same too. I think I kind of get where they're coming from too. Right now they probably feel you aren't even frugal with money. Rather than spend a fortune paying for kerosine/ gas and modern amenities, go for the cheaper traditional options and save that money towards getting your own place. In the meantime, better start practicing family planning and go on contraceptives. Hold off on having kids until you both are financially stable. 6 Likes |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by EfemenaXY: 10:02am On Dec 03, 2016 |
eyinjuege: I totally agree with this. I also think @op needs to improve her people skills. This isn't the time for her to claim being an introvert. She needs to mix with the family - especially the women such as going to the market with SIL & MIL, washing clothes with them, fetching water from the stream or communal tap together, relaxing with them, and even helping to fix their hair (i.e. Plait / weaving, etc). That's the only way. Once she makes herself indispensable to them, they'll accept her with open arms and treat her like one of them. Once she's got the women on her side, the men will follow suit. Hopefully. 4 Likes |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by AskProf: 10:15am On Dec 03, 2016 |
lomaxx: Read again, reference is to the husband. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Slimmos(m): 2:15pm On Dec 04, 2016 |
Nic3:House is cheap in kaduna naw... If truly u are working as stated, and ur hubby is doing little biz, u guyz should b able to join money and rent room and parlour even if it is in a face me I face u compound. It is better than staying a duplex and not being comfortable. Which part of KD? |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Slimmos(m): 2:23pm On Dec 04, 2016 |
dangotesmummy:Try to b realistic and pragmatic wen giving advice! So u think if they are earning half of 100k, they wont b able to rent a house. U talk as if 100k is earning 10 k |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Qasaforlife(f): 6:32pm On Dec 04, 2016 |
dangotesmummy:GBAM well said. Can't think of a better advice than this. 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by dangotesmummy: 8:37pm On Dec 04, 2016 |
Slimmos:didirin what is wrong with you?you won't read properly wakan mabe bi igala You didn't see when I said FOR EXAMPLE in front abi? Use your number 6 |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by bbeautylik(f): 5:00pm On Dec 07, 2016 |
carmag:guess it was a lowkey wedding |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nic3(f): 9:58pm On Feb 03, 2017 |
Slimmos:Except we build our house we can't rent house within kaduna |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by baby124: 11:48pm On Feb 03, 2017 |
OP you have no choice. It was a decision you both made and your personalities could accept such. I personally can never do this even if it's my family we are squatting with. Not to talk of my husband's family. Even with my family anything said to him might be an issue. So such situations are better avoided if you can. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by baby124: 4:07am On Feb 04, 2017 |
EfemenaXY:Mena!!! Nice one... you got the whole gist |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nancykay: 6:37am On Feb 04, 2017 |
My dear no matter how good people are, when you live with them, there would be one problem or the other, mostly jelousy or looking into your finances or private life. I've had similar experience and I can boldly tell you it wasn't a sweet one. Leaving the house is the best option no matter how small your new house is, what is yours is yours. Hubby might want to discourage you from doing that but make him see reasons with you and pray about it that is you believe in any God. When we moved out, we didn't have so much, I actually loaned money but now we are so comfortable. Just take a step of faith and stop having that feeling of you can't afford it. If you move out, you'll see God putting your rent and others things in place for you. You've got to learn to be happy and don't let people push low self esteem to you, but don't be proud. Just be yourself. Also be wise on how you present leaving the house to your MIL and FIL because people seek for the slightest opportunity to crown you the bad one... Be good okay... One love. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by bbeautylik(f): 1:56pm On Feb 04, 2017 |
lalasticlala
mynd44
o ya o come and advice. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nic3(f): 9:03pm On Mar 02, 2017 |
Nancykay:Thanks very much |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nancykay: 10:35pm On Mar 02, 2017 |
Nic3:You welcome dear. Hope you're fine now? |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nic3(f): 10:22pm On Mar 05, 2017 |
Nancykay:Still the same my sister.... but am trying to be fine |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by bukatyne(f): 11:43pm On Mar 05, 2017 |
Nic3: Hi Nic3, I believe you should try Efemena's advice. I learnt from experience years ago that most people (esp. those boarding you) do not appreciate you breezing out of nowhere with your new 'fancy' ideas esp. if you 'seem'/'are' above them or have a perceived edge. Imagine, you breeze in from 'nowhere' & start cooking with stove/gas; you don't invite them to try it for their convenience, you don't decide to join them with the firewood sometimes... You are eating your cake & having it.... Living privately and doing things as you like without fully supporting your life financially. You gave up the luxury of doing all things as you like when you married into the family house. They are getting along with your BIL & his wife because they have adapted to living with your parents in law, integrated to their way of life and became a relief for them. I also think you should also do more chores like washing their clothes, sweep the compound etc. occassionally without being told Are they jealous of you? Maybe.... however, her advice will go a long way to make you enjoy your stay more. Also ask your parents esp. Mom if she also went through this process to glean nuggets from her. You will be fine. |
Re: In Pains! Your advice needed by Nancykay: 7:25am On Mar 06, 2017 |
Nic3:Happiness, that's all you owe yourself my dear, leave the rest to God. No one has the right to make you unhappy in life always note that... Cos if you live you life pleasing everybody honestly you won't go far , I'm talking from experience. Be nice to all and do the best you can. stay blessed, happy week ahead. |
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