Lolzzz
Peter and Paul, two brothers nickname, P square
sang a song called (DO ME) and got (IFUNANYA)
pregnant, they ran to escape the (TEMPTATION)
but their (BUZZY BODY) couldn't allow them to
stay, while running they ran into (DANGER) and
began to (ROLL IT) until (GAME OVER). This
twins now decided to trick (BEAUTIFUL
ONYINYE) by telling her you must to (CHOP MY
MONEY) she is now happy and dancing
(ALINGO) not knowing that they will deal with
her (PERSONALLY). This twins now gave out
their (TESTIMONEY) because they have received
their (BANK ALERT) for them to spend on their
(FINANCIAL WOMAN

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"$5000 FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

We d entire family of carbohydrate of balance diet regret 2 announce d death of our fada, broda & grandfada Mr.Rice who died in fire accident along pot express road, he was aged 24 cups, he is survived by Mrs stew>WIFE, curry & thyme>TWIN DAUGTHER.
Onions & maggi>SON IN-LAW.
Burial arrangement,1:00am body leave kitchen mortuary 2 his home town>DINNING TABLE, music by plate & spoons, cup & water are highly invited. Papa our stomach luvz u, may ur soul rest in d bossom of d toilet.
SIGNED BY:Fish & meat 4 d family.

10 weird Things We All
Do In Secret

1) Farting silently after eating beans
2) Farting loudly when you’re home alone.
3) Sniffing your own fart and thoroughly enjoying the yama yama smell.
4) Picking your nose
5) Chooking your finger in your ears when it starts itching
6) Using your nails to pick your teeth
7) Popping your pimples
8 ) Not washing your bra regularly
9) Wearing one boxers for one week without
washing
10) Looking into the toilet after you’ve
destroyed it with poo.

Abi na lie

Oh my God, finally I did it, I spent my
whole time, my energy and my strength
just to achieve it. It wasn’t easy, I was
sweating, brave and determined, I
thought,
thought, thought, and thought. I fought
it, fought to the right and to the left,
jumped, hit, smashed, banged, searched
for it and finally, finally and finally, I
saw its
end.
It must be recorded in the Guinness
book of
Record. Greatest achievement ever,
yes, I did it, I killed a big mosquito.

One day a mother visited her son and her daughter in law. Unfortunately before she arrived the wife and the son was so Hot and they are already at it before the woman arrived.
The lady was already at her climax,returning to her normal self was so difficult for her.
As they were talking the wife suddenly started acting weird and complained of a strong headache. The husband understand his wife actions and he immediatelly took her to the bedroom and they made love passionately.
The husband came out of the room after some time with his zip undone.
"How is your wifes condition. ?", his mother asked.
He replied that she was feeling better after he gave her some painkillers.
The mum smiled and told her son laughingly
"That's nice but you forgot to close the "PHARMACY"

This economy problem in Nigeria is no longer
funny o.
.
Today I saw a woman pricing school fees "Aunty,
How much if we remove geography and Physical
Education, I want him to become a doctor not a traveler. OK, what if he comes to school only
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Only in naija.

Imagine! An accident occurred today
11 injured, 12 died. So d minister promised to offer
#5,000 to d injured and #6m to d dead for their funeral. One of d injured got up and laid where d
dead were, one of d dead shouted "Bros go back
to ur place, no bring confusion come here, they
don count us

Joy and her dad and Mom where eating when joy said
JOY: daddy i saw u on my way back frm school holding a girl
Dad: shut up i told not to talk with ur food in ur mouth
Mom: let her talk honey go on
Joy: they went into a bush which i followed them and dad started kissin and undressing her
Mom: what happend say it i will give u a bunch of chocolate
Joy: they started doing what u and uncle daniel did when dad was not around
Mom: shut up didnt ur father told u not to talk with ur food in ur mouth STUPID CHILD bad table manners.

The NEPA official that is in charge of the control room where switches are tampered with receives more cause than the one who collects the bill at the counter

Nigeria at it again with abbreviations!!!
APC---Accepting Past Criminals
PDP---Politicians Deceiving Public
LAGOS---Love All Girls On Sunday
EBOLA---Everybody Beware Of Lagos Ashawos
AIDS---Americans Invention For Discouraging Sex
WEEK---Women Education Ends In Kitchen
WIFE---Women Item For Entertainment
ABACHA---After Babangida Another Criminal Has Arrive
FEAR---Forget Everything And Run
PHCN---Please Hold Candle Near
NEPA---Never Expect Power Always
OYO---On Your Own
OMO---On My Own
BUHARI---Brought Unwanted Hardship Among Reasonable Individuals.

Some funny quotes!
****You know you are going to jail if Segun Arinze is presented as an eye witness
***Some pretty girls are just evil... They will fart and look at you to the extent
you will be suspecting yourself...
***Ibadan rappers be like
My Blood is full you can call me bloody fool..
***Lil kesh's album should be used for school's riot..so much noise!
***If you think you are having a bad day...just remember that there's an Ibadan girl trying to pronounce 'parallelogram'..
***Things that confuses me
I've never seen a mad Hausa man before... Abi Dem no dey mad?
***You'll just be eating hot eba watching Empire next thing two men will just
start kissing each other and the eba in your mouth will turn salty..
***Person will lost phone and be lying that "no be the phone dey worry me self,
na my contacts" Ur nyash
***Dangote's son cheated on me and you
say I should break up? Don't you know that Love is all about forgiveness.
forgive and forget...
***Some people are blessed with Wickedness ..
How can I beg u for salt n u tell me your mum has counted it...
***One idiot used''GUNSHOTS'' as his ringing tone
...His china phone rang in the bank today, for over 1hour now we are still looking for the cashier and two security men ...
***A baby is never a mistake or surprise!
You had sex without condom... What were you expecting?? iPhone 7 or Range Rover .....
***I cried for 2 hours when he told me she took 1st in his WAEC result..
...Some people can lie ehn!!!
***I miss those people in primary school that use to say ' if I give you one dirty
slap, you will fly to America'... Come and slap me now ooo
***I heard a king in Kenya is referred to as 'His Royal Darkness'... I'm trying to
cry but I can't... ..
***Since Buhari became President, you cannot even see N20 on the floor again..
***I remember back in Nursery school
My girlfriend broke up with me just becos I sharpened pencil for another girl..
***DSTV is advertising DSTV on DSTV to people who have DSTV....... What's
Their Problem??

AKPOS and his WIFE was having a serious fight and they decided to attacked each other with poems.
Here it goes…
WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my
heart & I got Heart Attack.
AKPOS: God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
He saw me in darkness, He created light.
He saw me without problems, He created YOU.
WIFE:.. Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are ..
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
AKPOS: The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn’t it rain on you..?
WIFE: …Roses are red; Violets are blue.
Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO.
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too…

I LOVE NAIJA I NO GO LIE!!! God Bless
Nigeria!!!
1. Na only 4 9ja U fit win Aeroplane by loading
N200 MTN Recharge
Card.
2. Very soon Etisalat go say recharge N200 and
win a big ship.
3. Then Airtel go com follow sey recharge N100
and win Benin
Republic.
4. Glo,go just kuku say.. Recharge N500
$ win Nigeria because their colour na Green.
5 Na only for Nigeria you go see fish
inside"MEATPIE"
6. Na only 4 Nigeria we dey count money after
we withdraw am from
ATM because we no even trust ATM machines.
7. Na only 4 Nigeria PHCN dey sey:-
Win a brand new GENERATOR if you pay your
light bill (wat a pity)
8. Na only 4 Naija pple dey horn for
traffic light make e quickly change from
Red to Green.
9. Na only 4 Nigeria Pharmacy dey sell
Coke, Recharge Card, Chin chin,Puff puff and
beer.
Wetin you no see for Naija, you no fit see am
anywhere in d
world..Trust me.
10. Na only 4 naija you go find a graduate
of Mechanical Engineering dey do him NYSC 4
Police station.
11. na only 4 naija you go see one person
dey use Bold5, X3, Ipad2 and Nokia N8 all at
once. You be Bill Gates?
Abi na
you invent internet?
12. Na only 4 naija you go see a graduate
of law dey work as generator repairer.
13. Na only for Naija u go buy coke, dem
go say make u no forget to return d bottle.
14. Na 4 only Naija, you go see madman dey
control traffic,people
wey their head correct dey obey...
15. Na 4 only Naija, you go see advert from
native doctor on how to
make quick money.
16. Na only 4 Naija u go wish somebody
'happy birthday', he go answer 'sameto u
17. Na 4 Naija obituary poster dem go say
"MAMA HAS RELOCATED" ..

i'm proud of dis my country we dey united.

Akpos comes back from work. As he enters the sitting room, his wife asked:
Wife: Darling! Why are you looking so sad?
Akpos: Sweetheart, I have a problem at my office.
Wife: Don’t say you have a problem. You should say we have a problem because we are now married. Your problem is also my problem.
Akpos: OK, we have a problem in our office.
Wife: And what is the problem, darling?
Akpos: Our secretary is pregnant for us.
Wife: Whaaat!!! The wife fainted!

Since i join nl i neva read hillarious jokes lyke dis b4. Believe me i even cry of joy

AlamienDagash:
Since i join nl i neva read hillarious jokes lyke dis b4.
Believe me i even cry of joy

I'm glad I made you cry of joy

Below is how Nigerian Churches will become in 2030:
PASTOR: Praise the Lord.
CONGREGATION: Halleluyah!
PASTOR: Can we please turn our iPads and Kindle Bibles to Exodus 20:1. When you’re done, kindly switch on your Bluetooth to receive the sermon… Please have your debit cards ready as we shall now collect tithes and offering. You can connect to the church WIFI using password Lord99087 and as for the renovation donations, you’re welcome to contribute via EFT or mobile banking. The holy atmosphere is truly electric as the iPads beep and flicker.
CHURCH SECRETARY: This week’s meetings will be held on the various Whatsapp groups so please don’t miss out! Wednesday Bible teachings will be held live on Skype @1900hrsGMT. By the way, you may follow the Pastor on Twitter for counseling and don’t forget our weekly prayers on YouTube. God bless You All.
CONGREGATION: Amen!

Only a courageous woman can fry a bunch of plantain without tasting any___Albert Macauley (1872)

He who says nothing lasts forever has never tried Hausa perfume___Nelson Mandela (1973)

He who completely unwraps banana and Ga kenkey before eating cannot keep a secret___Abraham Lincoln (1864)

Any man that uses his teeth to cut meat from pepper soup, with his eyes wide open, is not afraid of anything___Williams Shakespeare (1900)

Anyone who graduates without experiencing a strike, has never been to Nigeria___Lord Lugard (1904)

He who refuses to regard bread and akara as a type of sandwich is a racist___ Martin Luther King Jnr (1788)

Any man who drinks Alomo bitters without squeezing his face, is capable of murder___Michael Faraday (1899)

I fell in love with a girl called Amanda, but don’t have the guts to ask her out. So I went to see a native doctor popularly called “Baba”.
All he demanded from me was 1-month internet data subscription money which I paid and he gave me a ring called ‘Touch and Follow’.
He said, “All I need to do is touch her with this ring and she will follow.” I was excited because that was pretty easy.
The next day, when she was passing, I created a scene just to draw her attention and touched her like it was a mistake. I was expecting her to follow me, but she didn’t, rather she moved on and was pressing her phone.
I was disappointed and went home. On getting home, I checked my phone and saw 9 notifications showing Amanda Paul is now following me on Twitter, Instagram, Keek, Badoo, Viber, sent me a friend request on Facebook, sent me a message on Whatsapp and 2go.
I called Baba immediately to inform him and he replied me, “My son, we’ve upgraded, everything is now digital! Bye to rural village, welcome to the global village. That was why I did not ask for a cock, the brain of a mosquito, a vulture’s eye and groundnut oil but one month internet data to keep me online.”

GCE MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER
Time: 2Hrs 30MINS
INSTRUCTIONS: ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS.
ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS.

You have dated a girl for 2 years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted. (20 marks)

You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love. (20 marks)

(For Boys) You’re dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s (a) Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones. (15marks)
(b) Use your graph to estimate your future poverty (5marks)

You are dating other peoples’ sisters yet you don’t want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your Thinking Capacity. (20 marks)

You are a civil servant, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than 1,000ghc. Your daughter who is awaiting result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy both worth 2,000ghc. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence. (20 marks)

(For girls) You’re a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labor, use the law of deminishing Return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy. (20 marks)

You can’t give your wife 50ghc for a pot of soup, but you spend over 100ghc in bars and resturant. Calculate the radius of your ‘stupidity’, take π=3.142(20 marks)

BEST OF LUCK!

UCHE: Mommy, can I go to Chidera’s house?
MOMMY: No!
UCHE: Why?
MOMMY: No fuel.
UCHE: Ahn ahn! I’m using my legs.
MOMMY: If you get missing, is it not a car we are going to use to find you?

I went to the police station to certify my document. On arrival, I met one of the policemen reading the bible, specifically Genesis, I was so impressed so I asked him, “Officer, who killed Abel, Adam’s son?” He raised his head, looked at my face with dismay and said, “I don’t know, ask Sgt Asare, he is in charge of murder cases.”

It is only in Nigeria where you’ll see a notice board that says, “Job Vacancy: Man wanted with 40 years experience of work. He must be less than 25 years of age."

Late one night, a thief mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Stubbornly, the rich man replied, you can't do this, I'm a Nigerian senator" the thief replied him “give me my money!”

I want to use this medium to let all viewers and followers of this thread know that you are all allowed to post any jokes you have in this thread to keep it moving.

THANKS

__Preciousuweh

Husband takes the wife to a night party. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing happily – breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, doing shoki.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”

When Nigerian politicians loot public funds/money from Nigeria, they keep it in Switzerland.
When sick, they go to Germany or India.
When investing, they go to America.
When buying Mansions, they visit London.
When shopping they go to Dubai.
When on holidays, they visit Paris or Bahamas.
When educating their children, they select Europe.
When praying, they go to Saudi Arabia or Jerusalem.
BUT, when they DIE, they all want to be BURIED in Nigeria! Please, ask them for me, is NiGERIA A CEMETERY?

Wikipedia : I know everything.
Google : I have everything.
Facebook : I know everybody.
Internet : Without me, you are all nothing.
NEPA: Keep talking …we shall see

Three prominent politicians in Nigeria boarded the same flight to from Abuja to Lagos.
The first Politician started, “I can throw one N1000 note down and make one person laugh.”
“I can make two persons laugh with just two N500 notes.” the second politician replied.
The third politician retorted, “With just five pieces of N200 notes, I can make five people laugh.”
The pilot then looked at the politicians and added, “I’m the pilot here, meaning I can throw all of you down and make more than 150 million Nigerians laugh.”

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his wife.
Wife: Our maid is pregnant....
Akpos: That's her problem
Wife: Neighbours are talking...
Akpos: That's their problem..
Wife: I'm worried
Akpos: That's your problem
Wife: They say it's yours
Akpos: That's my problem.