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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Chronicles Of Jokes (145339 Views)
Huncho's Book Of Jokes / All New Sort Of Jokes. +updated+ / Jarizod's Book Of Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 8:35pm On Feb 06, 2017 |
5 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOUR MOTHER IS A NIGERIAN !!! 1) When you say, "Mummy, I'm Sorry!" And she replies, "Sorry for yourself!". 2) When you ask her where you should drop something and she says, “Drop it on my head." 3) When she brings food wrapped in a nylon bag from a party. 4) When you say, ''Mummy, I have fever.”And she replies you, “Why won't you have fever when you press phone every night”. 5) When you say, “Mummy I took 2nd in my class.” and she replies, “So the person that took first has two heads abi?” 1 Like |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 8:37pm On Feb 06, 2017 |
Finally I smoked weed for the first time and nothing happened to me!! Merry Xmas to u and as we enter this 2019 we shall all see 2012.. Happy new year in advance I love u all in dis 2go page.. ****************** You see, I'm very much ok 2 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 12:09pm On Feb 11, 2017 |
Akpos checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realising he sent the mail to a widow who had just returned from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted. The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: “To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I’ve just been checked in. How are you and the kids? The place is really nice but I’m lonely here. I have made necessary arrangement for your arrival tomorrow. I’m expecting you, darling. I can’t wait to see u! 2 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 12:10pm On Feb 11, 2017 |
A warden caught Akpos leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish and the following conversation ensued: Warden: Aha! I’ve caught you stealing fish red-handed! Akpos: What do you mean by red-handed? Warden: You’ve got a bucket full of fish right here, u can’t talk your way out of it this time. Akpos: Oh, you don’t understand, I’ve not stolen a thing. These are my pet fish! I bring them to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they’ve had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home. Warden: Do you expect me to believe such a tale? Akpos: I can prove it. So they walked back to the reservoir and Akpos dipped the bucket in and the fishes swam away. They both stood in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes and there was no sign of the fish coming back to the bucket. Warden: Ha, you lying rogue!!! You stole fish. Akpos: What fish? Where is your proof 3 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 12:11pm On Feb 11, 2017 |
AKPOS: My Memory is so bad! FRIEND: How bad is it? AKPOS: How bad is what? ……………………………………………………………………………… Akpos buys five pants of the same colour for his wife. Wife: Ah, same colour? People will think I don’t change my panties. Akpos: Which people? ………………………………………………… TEACHER: Who is the President of Iraq? AKPOS: I don’t know, Miss. TEACHER: You need to focus more on your studies. AKPOS: Please Miss, can I ask a question? TEACHER: Yes. AKPOS: Do you know Angela TEACHER: No, why? AKPOS: You need to focus more on your husband! ……………………………………………………………… Akpos updated his facebook status, “Thank you lord, just got my salary”. He became sad when 10 seconds later his landlord liked his status. 3 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 12:12pm On Feb 11, 2017 |
A Prof and Akpos was seating next to each other in a long flight. Prof said to Akpos: lets play a game, I will ask you a question and if you didn’t get the answer, you will pay me $50, and if u ask me a question and I don’t get the answer, I will pay you $5000. The Prof started: What is the distance from the earth to the moon? Akpos doesn’t say a word, he reaches his pocket and pulls out a $50 and gives it to him. Now it’s Akpos turn to ask, He said: What goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes down with 5 legs? The Prof thought for a long time,searches the net, and asked all his smart friends but couldn’t get the answer. He reached his pocket, pulled out a $5000 and gave it to Akpos. The Prof got mad and asked Akpos: Well, what the hell goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes down with 5 legs?. Akpos just dipped his hand into his pocket and gave Prof $50 and said: I don’t know also. 5 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 12:14pm On Feb 11, 2017 |
Akpos the lecturer in Gwagalada, University of Abuja decided to give his students a test. He asked them to write the answers as he read out the questions. Instructions says: Canceling answers not allowed) Akpors the Lecturer: Questi on 1: What’s your favorite food? [10 mrks] Female students were writing, Pizza, fried rice, Hamburger, ice cream, sharwama and all sorts of Chinese cuisine….. Lecturer Akpors: Question 2: How do you prepare the food? [50 marks] Huh!! immediately, the female students started cancelling and changing the foods to, beans, cocoyam, & abacha, bolee and porridge yam, indomine, white rice with no soup!!! |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 12:15pm On Feb 11, 2017 |
Akpos sits next to a girl on a table in a hotel Akpos: hello madam? Lady: what is it? Akpos: sorry madam , just wanted to ask what the time is on your watch? Lady: ehee …now you think my watch is used as a public clock huh? Go away and stop wasting my time Akpos: but madam Lady: shut up!!! Akpos takes out his Apple phone and makes call Akpos: hello John I just settled from Washington D.C can you please tell me what time it is right now so that I set my clock to the local time since it still reads American time? *she listens* Ok, thank you and today don’t forget to come for the galaxy tablet that you requested * she listens* Since my girl is still in America bring me a beautiful girl to spend my money with tonight Ok bye Lady: sir the time is …. Akpors: shut up !!!! 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 7:42pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
Akpos and his ever nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told Akpos, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. Akpos thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?” Akpos replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!” 1 Like |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 7:43pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
Two mentally disturbed men Akpos and Eazy decided they must go to school. They collected old books and went to sit under the tree pretending it was a school. The following day, Akpos got there early and climbed the tree. As the other came and saw his friend on top of the tree he asked “What are you doing up there?” Akpos replied; “I am now in high school..” 1 Like |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 7:45pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
WhatsApp, Last seen = 1 minute ago..... Viber, Last seen = 3 minutes ago.... Twitter, Last tweet = 4 minutes ago..... BBM, Last message = 5 minute ago The HOLY BIBLE, Last opened = 31st night. #God is soaking your cane in kerosene 1 Like |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 7:47pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
Akpos chased by two guys Akpos was being chased by two men for one of his numerous crimes. Akpors ran into d forest and d men followed him. Akpos got into the forest and climbed a tree. The two men got to the tree where Akpors was and did not know where he run to. Angrily, one of the men, Eazy retorted: “This boy has escaped again”. His colleague replied: “I know Akpos, if I call his name thrice, he’ll answer! Akpos laughed from d tree and said to d men: “If you like call my name from now till next year I no go answer u, U think say na Akpos of before?” 2 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 7:49pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
AKPOS prayed so hard and one day God finally talked to Him. GOD: My Son, what do you really want? AKPOS: I want a job, a big car and lots of girls to be all around me.. GOD: Is that all? AKPOS: Yes… GOD: Your prayer has been answered. AKPOS: Thank you God. *** AKPOS is now A BUS DRIVER in a FEMALE SCHOOL. Has Akpos prayers been answered? 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by iconmishuk: 9:27pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
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Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by lhawarl1(m): 9:43pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
preciousuweh: these are chuck Norris facts |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by lhawarl1(m): 9:54pm On Feb 13, 2017 |
Nice work you have done here...... I love it |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 2:01pm On Feb 15, 2017 |
lhawarl1: Thanks, I'm glad you love it. |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by lhawarl1(m): 11:48am On Feb 16, 2017 |
You welcome |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 9:13pm On Feb 17, 2017 |
*EXAMINATION COUNCIL OF RELATIONSHIP.* *Code:* 2027/1 *Paper:* One *Time:* 15min *INTRUCTION:* From Option A,B,C Choose the correct Answer. Each question carries 30mark. *SECTION A.* *1.*What is the capital city of LOVE. A Money. B Sex. C Feelings. *2.*What makes a relationship strong. A Honesty. B Sex. C Money. *3.*Who cheat most in relationship. A Guys. B Ladies. C A and B *4.*Who are more faithful in relationship. A Ladies. B Guys. C All of the above. *5.*Who lies most in relationship. A Ladies. B Guys. C None of the above. *SECTION B.* Instruction: Answer any two question. *1.* What is Love. *(3marks)* *2.* Why is kiss important in relationship. *(3marks)* *3.* Why do girls have more than 1 boo. *(3marks)* *4.* Between the Guys and the Ladies who value relationship. *(3marks)* *SECTION C: Theory.* In one word give 5 reason why is difficult for Ladies to propose. Your Time Starts Now. *GOOD LUCK.* |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 9:15pm On Feb 17, 2017 |
BOYS PROVISION 1.Gari 2.Sugar 3.Milo 4.Groundnut 5.10k •GIRLS PROVISION 1.gari 2.Lipton 3.sugar 4.milk 5.cornflakes 6.Milo 7.Biscuit 8.Drinks 9.groundnut 10.magarine 11.bread 12.Custard 13.Bake beans 14.Sardine 15.Indomie 16.groundnut paste 17.Non diary milk 18.jam 19.Cerelac. 20.condense milk 21.Honey 22.Always 23.40k After which, girls still want the boys to share the 10k with them Girls, why naaaa.? 3 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 9:17pm On Feb 17, 2017 |
A couple was trying to select the best theme verse to emphasize their wedding ceremony. After spending a couple of time searching together, they settled for 1 John 4:18 which reads that “there is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love”. They then instructed the wedding cake designer to scribe that verse on their wedding cake. Unfortunately, when the cake designer was scribbling the theme verse on the cake, he forgot to put the 1 which was on the chosen actual theme verse. This changed the theme verse from 1 John 4:18 to John 4:18. On their wedding day, after blessing the wedding, when they got to the part about cutting the cake, they brought the cake to their pastor so he can pray for it before it was to be shared. However, as soon as the pastor saw the cake, he collapsed and fell onto the ground which came as a huge shock to everyone. After giving him some first aid, he recovered his consiousness and got back to his feet. "How in the world would you choose such a verse as your beautiful wedding's theme verse?" asked the pastor before anyone could ask him what went wrong. "What do you mean pastor?" asked the bridegroom. "You chose John 4:18 as your theme verse?" asked the pastor. "Who came up with that verse?" Not wanting to waste time paying attention to detail, the bride jumped in, "we did it together pastor, me and the groom. What's wrong with it?" "Everything is wrong with it," said the pastor with so much emphasis to the bride, "have you been married before?" "No pastor!" she replied running out of patience, "why would you even ask such an annoying question?" The pastor just shook his head and said, "your theme verse tells me so." "Are you insane? That verse was selected perfectly for this event." she retorted. The pastor shook his head again and gave the Bible to the bride, "read the verse that has been scribbled on your wedding cake for us?" With all the confidence, the bride took the Bible and read it aloud, "John 4:18 reads 'For you have had five husbands; and the man whom you have now is not your husband'." ***** The husband fainted **** 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 9:18pm On Feb 17, 2017 |
There are five friends named Somebody, nobody, mad,stupid and fool Somebody and nobody were fighting Somebody killed nobody Mad quickly called the police Mad: Hello sir Police: can we help you Mad: yes somebody just killed nobody Police: are u stupid!! Mad: no, stupid is in the bathroom bathing Police: are u mad!!! Mad: yes how did u knw my name sir Police: you must be a fool!!! Mad: no, fool just went out now. |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 9:21pm On Feb 17, 2017 |
For a long time Akpos has been battling with a leak in his roof. One night there was a very heavy down pour, he had to move from one corner of his house to the other to avoid drops from his roof. This made him have sleepless night. The next morning he decided to fix his roof, after scouting for ladder in his neighbourhood, he tried to climb to the roof. Climbing wasn't easy, he panted and sweated but successfully climbed to the roof, as he was about to fix the damage, he heard a knock on his door. He yelled from the top of his voice, "who is that?" A tattered looking beggar showed up at the ground and said, "excuse me, can I see u?" Akpos asked "what is it you want to tell me?" The beggar said, "just spare me one minute". Akpos climbed back to the ground, looking tired and asked "what can I do for you?" The beggar said "can u give me N20?" Akpos thought for a while and said "FOLLOW ME". The two of them started climbing to the roof, panting and gasping for breath, they got to the roof, after panting for one minute Akpos turned to the beggar and said "I DON'T HAVE" One name for him... 2 Likes |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 9:23pm On Feb 17, 2017 |
A guy was in a Taxi heading home from work, when he realized that he had forgotten his wallet on his desk and therefore had no extra money on him. Sitting at the back and a police man was also sitting in the front with the driver. Throughout the trip, he tried heaven and earth to look for something at least some change but to no avail which made him feel miserable thinking of what and how he could explain his sutuation to convince the driver. Worse still, just to his immediate left there was a Cop who posed much threat to him if he ever tried to mess up. Immersing himself in very deep thoughts, an idea popped up in his mind. He dropped a stone through the window and spoke up hysterically, "driver!!! Driver!!!!! Stop the car my wrist watch just fell off from the window!!!!!!!!!!" Quickly, the driver pulled over to the side of the road and watched in amazement the guy running the hell away from the car as possible before he realised the guy was trying to escape the Taxi Fare. Hysterically, the driver shouted to the police "Officer!! Officer!! That bastard is a thief!!!!! Arrest him!! Arrest him!!!" Before he knew it, the police had already sprinted out of the car making a beeline towards the young man with the Taxi driver following after him too. While the guy climbing one of the fences so he could jump over, the police shouted "Freeze!!!!!" Looking back at the police, the guy realized that he had a gun which made him just give up and raise his hands up in surrender about to fall on his knees for forgiveness when he heard the police say, "stupid son of a b!tch!!!! Why give up so soon" "Excuse me?" wondered the guy. The police looked back and realized that the Taxi driver was fast approaching, with his voice as lowered as possible, he said to the guy, "do you think there are any bullets in the gun? Get up and start running again so I can be chasing you before he gets here and catches us. I also don't have any money to pay him for my Taxi Fare." |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 1:12pm On Feb 18, 2017 |
1.I'm not saying i hate my ex, am just saying that if i find her in hospital on life machine. I would unplug the machine and charge my phone. lol 2.Guys...That girl who refused to show me her breast in school ..she is now feeding her baby in a bus next to me. God Is great.. 3.That Awkward moment......... When u are laffin so hard with ur crush.... Den a HEAVY CATARRH jump out of ur nose... FADALURD TAKE MY SOUL . 4.Android fones can be so annoying.how do I explain it? , I just received a notification now that my bible app needs update, pls wat does d bible need update for? Has Adam eaten another apple? 5.IPhone 7s earpiece is N67,000. My question is this...... will I be able to hear angel Micheal testing the trumpet two days before rapture??. 6.TroubleMaking is when you are in a canoe in the middle of a river, and you now start singing "Mami water power, powerless power..." 7.When you take a girl to ATM she will start apologizing for things she hasn't Done. "Honey am sorry for shouting at you next week" 8.When I get a Whatsapp Message asking me to forward it to 10 people or I die in 7 days. I close the message and wait for death to come. 9.U are 33 year old and ur role model is emmanuella; can't u see the devil is using ur life to play naira bet? 10.My sister, tomorrow is valentine's day and I know you have already planned to buy your bf one handkerchief and 2 boxers,the gods said I should ask you...Is your bf a cultural dancer? 1 Like |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 1:14pm On Feb 18, 2017 |
VACANCY! VACANCY! VACANCY!>>A Zoo in Abuja Nigeria needs someone to bath lions, take care of tigers, brush crocodile teeth and feed snakes....Salary is very attractive, two million naira (#2,000,000) per week with free accommodation, feeding and official car...Pls share dis job opportunity with ur friends..Dont thank me, what are we friends for 1 Like |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 1:15pm On Feb 18, 2017 |
Two teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching. Others teachers were trooping in one after the other. . ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight teachers maneuverating themselves in the presence of their pupils. . CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or I`ll balance your equation with acid and base. . MATHS TEACHER: please please stop before I divide and subtract your names from our teachers` list. . CRK TEACHER: Oh God ,forgive them because they do not know what they are doing. . ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behavior,I`ll draw a scale of preference to know who`s at fault. MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument,your phonet is voiceless,your treble,and your auto lack vocal sound. . HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of century 2013 I`ll compare this fight with that of Iran and Iraq.. . HAHAHAHAHA "i must calculate the weight, velocity and momentum of each blow". Lol... which teacher made that last statement?? |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 1:16pm On Feb 18, 2017 |
VALENTINE'S DAY REPORT (1) Engagements .........12%. (2) Heart breaks ........95%. (3) Wife caught cheating ........69%. (4) Husband caught cheating ......79%. (5) Condom sales .........99% (6) Fast food sales ........89% (7) Visit to Motherless Babys' Homes, prisoners/ cells, beggars/destitutes .........2%. ( Girls in hospital over Love........60% (9) Boys in hospital over Love.......5% (10) Girls arrested for fighting over Boys.......69%. (11) Boys arrested for fighting over Girls.......10% (12) Husbands beating wives in public....... 1002 still counting (13) Pregnancy ......... 39,572. (14) Number of switched off phones on Feb 14 2017.... 9 million . Me and Ma team are still taking statistics.... |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 1:17pm On Feb 18, 2017 |
An okada man jammed a girl, people gathered to help her (good Samaritans). Still laying helplessly on the road with injuries, she kept on shouting "My Phone! My phone!! My phone", hoping she wants to call her family, we gave her the phone. Immediately,shestood up sluggishly, took a selfie of herself, logged into Facebook and Instagram, uploaded the picture with the caption "JUST HAD AN ACCIDENT AND I AM ABOUT TO FAINT NOW" she dropped the phone and fainted.Abeg where are we supposed to take her to? A: The Hospital B: The Psychiatric Hospital C: To her father's house D: Just leave her there |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by lhawarl1(m): 9:33am On Feb 19, 2017 |
preciousuweh: lol.... Damn |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by lhawarl1(m): 9:38am On Feb 19, 2017 |
preciousuweh: i need zoo contact... |
Re: Chronicles Of Jokes by Nobody: 11:38am On Feb 23, 2017 |
Person 1 : Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl ? Person 2 : It’s a girl . She’s my daughter. Person 1 : Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father. Person 2 : I’m not. I’m her mother. |
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