Dear Umaru,

How are you, my dear friend? I sincerely hope that all is well with you. My main purpose of writing this letter is to inform you of the latest developments in the country (just in case Turai hasn’t been doing that) because as usual I don’t expect your Cabinet members to be blunt with you, only true friends like me can do that.

Exactly 50days after your disappearance, the BBC claims to have spoken to you. For some reason, I do not believe it was you they spoke with. The person BBC spoke with said he was getting better and he would return as soon as his doctors discharged him. He also thanked Nigerians for their prayers and wished the Super Chickens Eagles luck in the Nations Cup. That’s when I realised the person couldn’t be you. I mean, when did the Super Eagles become your major priority? You, who didn’t say a word when that silly boy Abdul Mutallab misbehaved? That should definitely have concerned you more considering the facts that you’re both from the same region, he also bears the name Umar and the boy has successfully rebranded Nigeria. Truth be told, the man had a Hausa accent just like yours and he even spoke Hausa. But why did the BBC have an audio recording and no video, our phantom president? You know “phantom” has always been my favourite nickname for you.

One American website says you’ve been dead since the 10th of December but I don’t believe that either. If you were dead, you’d have been buried if not forgotten by now. After all you are a Muslim and Saudi Arabia, where you claim to be undergoing treatment, is a strict Muslim country. They wouldn’t want any foreign corpses lying around now, would they?

Another rumour is that you are brain dead or brain damaged as they put it. That being the case, my purpose for writing this letter would be completely defeated, for it would make no sense to you. My dear friend, what ails you exactly, Pericarditis, renal disease or brain damage? I do not wish you any of these. I simply wish that you come home in good health. I don’t care whether you remain president or not. In any case you still remain my good friend.

I have some questions for you. Have you been told that since you left the fuel queues have grown longer and a litre is now unofficially sold for N100 or more? If it was really you, why choose BBC? Why didn’t you make use of our local media? I don’t mean Citi Feefle and the likes that might carry random and untrue captions like YAR ADUA FOUND PRAYING ON OLUMO ROCK or YAR ADUA FOUND IN MILAN HOTEL WITH ESCORTS. Our government is the owner of the highest number of broadcasting stations and NTA has gone international, so why not take advantage of our own facilities? How do you think Jonathan is coping in your absence? Personally, I wish him good luck.
There are many more questions I would like to ask and I would love to tell you a lot more but I fear for the state of your health and consequently for the state of the nation. Please reply or call me. Allah kao lafia.

Yours sincerely

Olayinka Sekina

P.S- We really should get you another wife when you return. Turai hasn’t been living up to expectation.

Certainly think a new wife is a gud idea

Certainly think a new wife is a gud idea

i hope this letter is getting to him,

lol . His close friends/advisers are not helping him at all.

Apparently, a dead man cannot read a letter.