shumuel:


Do you want me to tell you the trust ?

Well don't tell him, somethings are better left unsaid, and honestly that of you feeling God is angry with you is your biggest enemy, so i'll advise you don't listen to that devil, i am even surpised the Pastors you confessed to didn't pressure you to tell him nor did they do aproko, now that's God telling you he has forgiven you, and the only thing you need do is to forgive yourself and let it go, that's when things would turn out great for you, and not by his own forgiveness.

Anyways, your husband is also cheating on you and he didn't tell you, so why should you,, did i hear you ask how i know, well don't get me wrong but to everything we do there is always a reaction for every action taken and the law of karma is very real, what do i mean, all i am saying is; for you to have cheated on your husband, the law of Karma would had taken play, therefore leading him to also cheat on you one way or the other, so chear up, there are worse people than you out there,,, gone are the days we advise couples to come clean, today it's not as easy as at then, things are different now, so let that secret die with you, but if indeed you feel remorseful then never ever repeat such again.

Have a wonderful life ahead and please take good care of the kids and him as well, always that's your way of retribution.

What!It appears as if you know a lot about Karma.That is you have experienced Karma in all its ramifications.Are you encouraging Men and Women to cheat, because it will be evened up eventually?

[color=#550000][/color]Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, all things whatever you pray and ask for, believe that you have received them, and you shall have them". Pray for forgiveness and believe God has forgiven u. Pray for God's Devine favour and presence in ur family. Pray that God should touch the heart of ur Hubby. Then take a step further by telling him d whole story. God can only forgive us only if we will confess our sins and repent from them.

What you should do in such event
1. Inform someone he respect so much about the occurrence, maybe his pastor
2. Tell the person your intention to reveals to him
3. Let that respected person be somewhere around when you want to let cart out of the bag
4. Blow out the trumpet, then wait for his reaction, surely it will be a nervous one
5. Alert the peacemaker hanging around to do the persuasion.
6. Wait for the consequence(s) , if there's any
7. Carry your cross and move on in case it backfired.

eyinjuege:


You need to see a psychiatrist for some happy pills.

Your case is more than the cheating you did. You may truly be clinically depressed and may need help.

Even if your husband forgives you, the feelings may not go. Even if he sends you packing and divorces you, the feelings may still not go.

I know your fear is that of the native Dr. Nigerians fear our deities than even God, and would rather swear by the Holy Bible or the Noble Quran than Sango or Amadioha.

This case is beyond just popping pills. Pills might improve some of the depression symptoms but won't remove the underlying cause:guilt.

I was seriously empathetic with OP until I saw the Babalawo/Dibia bit.

Her seeking advice here seems mostly due to fear of native doctor. Considering that it happened years ago and we're led to believe that she has been feeling guilty ever since. I hope that aspect wasn't "sexed up" to elicit sympathy.

We Africans like to bring "God" into all our stuff. Considering the massive fvckery going on in the name of God by virtually everyone these days, I take all these remorse yarn and "God has forgiven me" stuff with a sizable pinch of salt. The F-up in our society surprisingly coincides with an era that everybody is now supposedly born-again.

Call me traditional, superstitious or whatever, in my own culture OP would have basically condemned her hubby to death by still sleeping with him and cooking for him after her adultery. I have written about it with real life examples over the years here on NL. Some like to sneer at it. A major reason we must carefully consider "tagoing" with ladies outside of my culture.

I have said often that most African cultures permit polygamy (irrespective of personal views, disadvantages or whatever). Just to inform pseudo-feminists in advance. Those who want parity can try parts of India were polyandry is allowed.

@OP,

Your hubby already suspects you. Or even already knows. He just seeks confirmation.

Nobody can actually fully understand your burden (if real as you claim) or the enormity of the consequences. We can only imagine.

If you have really wanted to confess over so many years, you would have worked out possible coping strategies.

eyinjuege:
You need to see a psychiatrist for some happy pills.

Your case is more than the cheating you did. You may truly be clinically depressed and may need help.

Even if your husband forgives you, the feelings may not go. Even if he sends you packing and divorces you, the feelings may still not go.

Best advice given.
She needs to talk about it with the psychiatrist or better a psychotherapist to evacuate her mind and understand the root cause of the guilty feeling.
OP and others, please take note.

istoctober:
l had to open this account to tell this story and l know that l will be bashed for this but l really need to get it off my chest.
it was in 2014, that l cheated on him and since then, l have not been myself. l have confessed to Pastors but l can't forget it and my mind keep telling me that God has forgotten about me cos whenever l pray, l find it difficult to concentrate and that's why l want to confess to him.
l know he will send me packing because he said something like that to me and the fear is what is keeping me from confessing to him. l don't want to be disgraced out of my home cos my husband will definitely do it.
l can't blame him for my shortcomings but myself for allowing devil into my home.
l really need your advice for help.... You can curse me but l deserve it for being a loose woman but l seriously need help cos depression wants to take over my life that l think of suicide to escape shame and mockery from people in case he finds out.

I am not judging you.But i will be honest with you.I honestly dont know what you are doing here.Most humans always have that mindset that enables them accept comments that defends them.What you did was very very bad.It is difficult to provide an advise though.I dont think any form of advise here will suffice.But you have done
something very terrible,a burden you will have to carry for the rest of your life.I doubt you will ever truely forgive yourself, particularly , if you dont tell him, you might never find that happiness, if you do, that might be the beginning of waywardness on the part of your husband, if he does not divorce you. I believe you are a christian, does the bible oblige you to confess to your husband?If you will be happy without telling him, keeping your marriage intact, then so be it.But wait ooo, are you sure you wont do it again, because you did it the first time.You must have that tendency(weakness).I hope it doesn't happen again.But if you will always be devastated by that, if you dont tell him, then tell himIf he finds out himself, that my just be the end of discussion.I pray that God grants you the wisdom to make the right choice.

Hmmm.... this is deep. You can't hide/run away from your conscience. Guilt is a form of torture... relief can only come through forgiveness. Confessing to the pastors is adding salt to the wound... they can only make the situation worse. Your husband is suspecting you of cheating because you are acting strange.... not your normal self. .. when the guilt surfaces... it shows on your face... he knows your thoughts are far away... and since you wouldn't discuss... it means you have something to hide.... and that can mean only one thing.... you are seeing someone else ... the reason why you are not comfortable around him.
I think the only way to break free is to let it all out.... be prepared for the worse...which would be he shouting and screaming and sending you packing. You really think that's worse than living with a guilty conscience? I don't. Would that be too dear a price to pay for freeing your heart? I don't. I can guarantee you.... if your husband sends you packing.... within three days.... he'll forgive you and beg you to return. This happening three years ago makes a whole lot of difference....well... if it only happened once... not cheating with one guy. ..cheating just once.If only once I can see him really forgiving you and helping you to be yourself again. But it will take a lot of prayer and faith and trust to push the whole issue wayyyy into the background. Free your mind...let it out.... que sera, sara......whatever will be, will be.

you hav no respect for ur marriage vow. it means u can also kill him out of pressure too.

benji93:

What!It appears as if you know a lot about Karma.That is you have experienced Karma in all its ramifications.Are you encouraging Men and Women to cheat, because it will be evened up eventually?

That's not what i meant, you can re-read again for better understanding.

Men do cheat, but attention is only paid to that of the females, i think that's injustice, or isn't it ? As we both know her husband might had also cheated, cheating or would also cheat, but would he tell it, no, i don't think so,, please let the woman rest biko.

And yes Karma is real, a b!tch they call it.

akpamuomenka:



He that breaks the hedge, the serpent will bite. You have defied your matrimonial BED and you stands in judgement hence all these are happening to you. Your conscience which is the spirit of God in a human has started judging you so is nature also judging you. Though hand joins to hand the wicked shall not go unpunished.

Your genuine repentance and confession is the only thing that will give you peace of mind.

O Wise One,Kind carry your hypocrisy elsewhere while people offer tangible solutions as opposed to your religiously biased ones

You need to first forgive yourself,the holy book say" For all have sinned and cut short the glory of God", and also went ahead to ask"Should we remain in sin for grace to abound" and the answer is No
Why quoting these verses, We are human, we are bound to derail-You did, But the good thing is that you still have your conscience alive,you feel remorseful about your action-So you did not remain in that particular sin,Let me then advice you

1. You have confessed to God and He has forgiven you-Just know that
2. Forgive your self-Very Important
3. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT confess to your husband-It wont make things better for Him, for you and for your family, You emphasized that He will booth you out and you are so sure He will do that-The type of person you are from your write up, you can go into depression if such happens and you can hurt your self
If your emotions cannot handle the guilt and you are hell bent on confessing to Him, Are you ready to live with the consequences, If he escalates that after your confession to Him,can you handle the stigma,the shame and the humiliation that will come even from the people that you are better off. As them they talk am, No body holy pass

benji93:

What!It appears as if you know a lot about Karma.That is you have experienced Karma in all its ramifications.Are you encouraging Men and Women to cheat, because it will be evened up eventually?

That's not what i meant, you can re-read again for better understanding.

Men do cheat, but attention is only paid to that of the females, i think that's injustice, or isn't it ? As we both know her husband might had also cheated, cheating or would also cheat, but would he tell it, no, i don't think so,, please let the woman rest biko.

And yes Karma is real, a b!tch they call it.

kumulus:


Really.....This babe said she can't seem to forgive herself and you think 'God' has forgiven her...... let me put it this way;

Repent= I am SORRY and will NOT do it again
True Repentance= I am VERY SORRY and it will and CAN NEVER happen again

Forgiveness= I am now ABOVE the situation.

The truth here remains that it's the OP that needs to forgive herself....the husband coming to knowledge is just to make sure 'we both know I did it and wouldn't do it again.....

***Am I even making any sense like this sef

She can forgive herself without letting her husband know...
What of the have kids?
Think of the marriage...

I know it's self-catering but u must look at the wider picture

The question shouldn't even be whether she should confess or not because she has to confess.

The issue is how should she go about it? She sinned against God and her husband but only confessed to God - because we can't see God.

You will continue to be a fraud until you confess to your husband. I can't even believe religious folks are trying to justify this using the Bible.

See if know you're truly repentant, you must be ready to face the consequences, if not you're just looking for people to make you feel better, you won't until you do the right thing which is to confess to him. Whether he forgives you or not, whether the marriage remains or not, is up to him, maybe he will send you packing OR maybe he will resent you for some time, maybe he will respect you for coming out.

BUT...if he finds out from another source...

istoctober:
l had to open this account to tell this story and l know that l will be bashed for this but l really need to get it off my chest.
it was in 2014, that l cheated on him and since then, l have not been myself. l have confessed to Pastors but l can't forget it and my mind keep telling me that God has forgotten about me cos whenever l pray, l find it difficult to concentrate and that's why l want to confess to him.
l know he will send me packing because he said something like that to me and the fear is what is keeping me from confessing to him. l don't want to be disgraced out of my home cos my husband will definitely do it.
l can't blame him for my shortcomings but myself for allowing devil into my home.
l really need your advice for help.... You can curse me but l deserve it for being a loose woman but l seriously need help cos depression wants to take over my life that l think of suicide to escape shame and mockery from people in case he finds out.

Dear Poster. I feel for you because I truely understand what you going through. This goes to tell a lot about you. An honest woman and rare one at that. However, that said, you have become a victim and what is left is to make your husband the other victim. I may not fully relate to this cause it happened to a good friend. However the outcome was amazing. This guy cried after being told and felt like taking his life because truth be told it's not just about you anymore.
By confessing and at the end of it all, you would hear and realize that you have transferred you guilt and burden to him. Cause he will feel worthless and at the end of the day destroyed his ego in marriage. You will lose your self esteem as a woman as well. But again, if he is truely God fearing, which I seriously doubt (talking of the native doctor uncle), he will begin to clearly see Christ for who he truly is, in all image and likeness. No one can ever predict this outcome. But from my little experience, couple who have been through this usually come out the strongest. Trust me, they will love beyond the horizons. At this point, I ask you to pray fervently and ask the spirit for guidance and let him direct.
If you choose to tell him... you will have done the right thing.
If you chose not to.... you will still have done the right thing.
Sometimes, some things are better left untold, cause by telling you can send a victim to an early death.
But trust me, if your husband honestly and truly loves you till date, he'll forgive you. If he doesn't he'll send you packing.
It is issues like this that allows me tell ladies to marry men who are head over heels in love with them and not the other way round. Because also, a man who truly loves will forgive and carry the burden of the offender instantly without even thinking.
I pray you find a way out and share with us the outcome someday.

PS: my friend who was a victim is still married to this lady, they now have a child and are very happy together. But before then, he quarreled and chastised her every other week for a year without stopping till he became feed up and tired of ranting about it by himself. Till date he has never brought it up.

PS: if you chose to tell, be ready to say "i'm sorry for as long as it takes to forgive and forget". The trick to letting go is to look at your relationship as starting over again. You have to be at your best to woo him as though you are winning him all over again.

All the best young lady.
God be with you!

Why are people saying rubbish? If it was them they'd bottle up the affair and hide it for eternity. Don't cause any complications for yourself cause even if he takes you back the trust's already gone and you'd just end up being unhappy.

Ishilove:

Poster follow this advice.

God answers prayers, I'm a living proof.

Why did you cheat too?

darlenese:
Dnt confess to him , try and forgive urself ,because God has forgive you . most men would cheat and won't evn confess or feel any remorse yet they still enjoy their marriage . ur life will become miserable if u confess.

YOU ARE VERY COLD ... I AM SURE YOU TYPE THAT # DIFF MEN.. LOOK AT THE ADVISE YOU AEE GIVIN HER.. ANY WAY.CONTINU

i will advice not to confess to him... rather promise yourself not to give in to devil anymore. confession may ruin so many things including him and every other women he meets if he eventually send you packing. Find peace within yourself and move on with life.

Ishilove:
[b][/b]
You answered the first two, and avoided the last question.

That's you knowing what you should do but battling with your conscience.

Who can condemn who God has forgiven? While you flogging yourself, God is saying 'I love you and I will not remember your past iniquities'.

You realised your wrong, asked God for forgiveness and repented. Now you have to forgive yourself and let go. God has not condemned you so free yourself from the cage you have put yourself.

If you say you want to confess then also prepare yourself for the storm that will follow.

As for your husband, what's up with all these mental fuckery? Are you acting in any way that's making him suspect you?

I share your view.
All the responses to the lady's concern fall into either the rational or spiritual.

Deed has been done and she has shown remorse.
Many women keep marital secrets that will wreck their marriages if they confess them.

If confessing will definitely cause more problems, why is she considering it. Better let the sleeping dog alone.

istoctober:


l have asked a pastor and he said l shouldn't confess but am worried cos he told me on Sunday that his uncle who is a native doctor will know if l am cheating on him.

I want to believe you are not engaging in the act of cheating any more if yes give yourself some peace of mind and go through what I tag "total rehabilitation of mind" and mind who share your past misconduct with to avoid future attack on your character.
As for his native doctor uncle, that should be the least of your worry you are not exposed to any evil mirror if not he should have seen you while you cheated on your husband. Your husband is a psychologist believe me and don't fall for him. Once again, God is the only way out of this mess.

ptiff!!!!!! Saw this very late!! Woman, why disturb nairaland with your problems? When you were getting the cassava from another man ..screaming and moaning with the panties your husband bought for...did you call on Nairaland?
If I am your Husband and I have been faithful, God knows, I will kick your petty shitty asss outta my house and personally deal with that foolish thing you slept with!

----Adultery is one of the greatest and heart breaking sins of all time...that's why even Christ himself, gave room for divorce if the cause be adultery!!

--- Stop disturbing NL with your self induced problems!!!

istoctober:


Thx for your words...

I am a husband and I think what you did was very wrong but I get a sense you have truly repented. I think you should first seek forgiveness from God, He will forgive you. You are also supposed to seek forgiveness from your husband but this could end your marriage.
If you talk to God and find peace then I think you should forgive yourself and move past it. Start all over again with your husband on a clean slate, purge your mind of all thoughts of your shortcomings and be faithful to him. Love him and try to rekindle the romance. As for the native doctor crap, forget it. Those things don't work, besides if it did he would have found out by now after 3yrs and not just be suspicious.
Lastly, if my wife cheated on me and has truly repented I would rather not know unless it is continuing.

He will still know eventually. Since your pastor already knew, better confess to him now. It is wrong for pastor to ask you not to tell him.

I just hate cheaters!!!!!!!! Since my sincere loyalty to someone was ridiculously shattered by her..I just developed this paramount hate for cheaters!!!!!

Keneking:
But where is lalasticlala sef

Could you please stop, I mean really stop, this kind of response that has become your signature.
Is this the much you can offer?

Few days ago, I stumbled on similar response by you and when I checked you out, you responded to virtually every thread in same manner. You have never really given a response that can be considered as reasoned.

Readers will bear me witness that I am not making up this story.

istoctober:
l had to open this account to tell this story and l know that l will be bashed for this but l really need to get it off my chest.
it was in 2014, that l cheated on him and since then, l have not been myself. l have confessed to Pastors but l can't forget it and my mind keep telling me that God has forgotten about me cos whenever l pray, l find it difficult to concentrate and that's why l want to confess to him.
l know he will send me packing because he said something like that to me and the fear is what is keeping me from confessing to him. l don't want to be disgraced out of my home cos my husband will definitely do it.
l can't blame him for my shortcomings but myself for allowing devil into my home.
l really need your advice for help.... You can curse me but l deserve it for being a loose woman but l seriously need help cos depression wants to take over my life that l think of suicide to escape shame and mockery from people in case he finds out.

God cares for a heart that's broken, and only him can understand you at this point, no human can. Pray to God, confess to only him, he surely answers and he would tell you what action to take. Remember, to reveal the depth of your broken soul to God, he would respond...he would heal you.

istoctober:


thx

even though it's very bad action of yours. there's no sin that can't be forgiven. pls if you think it would lead to break up which may eventually take your life or you been promiscuous then leave it like that and get over it
wen you have two evils go for the lesser one
I stand to be corrected

The earlier you bear the consequences of your crime, the earlier your soul and spirit is at rest.

That will be the end of your marriage, ask God fr forgiveness and never do it again, never confess to a man....

emperordelis:
So many people will come out here to judge you for what you've done.even though there are certain questions you are yet to answer.my candid advice to you,is for you to keep it as your secret.some things are better left unsaid and some sins are meant to remain in the dark...if you are truely sorry and willing to never go back to it again then i will forgive you if i was God.shit happens and we derail every now and then,what matters most is our sincerity in realizing what we've done and being sorry for them.finally,"na only thief wey dem catch be thief"

There are very few mature responses to this matter and yours is one of them.
It is very easy to say " tell him" without weighing the repercussions of doing so.

What one doesn't know doesn't hurt ,allow your husband his peaceful innocent life and ask for forgiveness from God with true repentance because that is where true forgiveness comes from.