My boyfriend has anger problems, in that he gets really angry very quickly and when he gets angry he does not eat my food, does not talk to me at times for days until he calms down. We love each other and are planning to get married in December. We have been together over a year now. He knows he has anger problems, and even our pastor has tried to talk to him about it. He always apologises and is quick to restore peace.
He is a traditionalist in that he thinks african girls abroad are lax and not as submissive / respective as they should be. So he takes the whole respect and submissive thing very seriously and you can imagine how angry he gets at the least notion of not being given his due respect / authority

We had a falling out on friday night, and didnt talk to each other. On sunday we went to my mum's as we had promised her a visit. Whilst there we started talking about jobs back home, and a friend of mine that left UK to work for Guiness back home. infront of my mum, he stood up and said that will not happen and walked out of the room and walked back in to say lets go home. (his tone was angry and not very respectful)He drinks (occassionally) but as a born again he was brought up in a household that did not encourage drinking and so does not support the industry. I was brought up in a catholic household and i suppose my mum didnt think much of it, its just a job.

My mum called me and is having a go saying she did not like his tone, anger outburst or reaction in front of her, she is not comfortable thinking that is how he talk to me (does not discuss things) and that i will live the rest of my life with such a person. She wants us to discuss somethings and not just take his word for final because he says so. She does not want to bring it up with him as she might lose her temper, so she thinks i should tell him how she feels and let him come and apologise to her if he thinks he did something wrong. I sometimes have doubts and thinks what if he doesnt change? what is the difference between being submissive nad being opressed? He wants me to trust his judgment and do what he asks of me - which i do sometimes, but then what about what i like/want to do, does that not count for anything?

Also, should i just let the whole thing with my mum go, or bring it up with him? We just started talking again since last friday (he has calmed down) this might mean we don't talk for the whole week.

I need help to understand and get my head round the whole thing. At the start of this year, we were so sure and I was so sure about us, but now i need to find a way to deal with his anger, cos it seems he wont change soon.

I see and smell DANGER here

ebonyz:

I see and smell DANGER here

is that all the perspective you can offer - anyway thanks

wahala dey ! ! !

Typical answers - probably cant be bothered - i wonder hoe many of us Africans actually make counselling a carrer!

See, he is not likely to change, they rarely do. Can you live the rest of your life with this attitude and prolly it getting worse? If your answer is no, then you need to walk now. Don't marry him on the hope that he is going to change.

luxoire:

is that all the perspective you can offer - anyway thanks

Sorry, i knw u are in a dilemma but from reading your story it seem obvious and i think you know too but because you are in love but i can understand.

Your bf is only going to get worse as soon as he knows that he owns you
He came across as someone VERY arrogant and disrespectful esp the way he behaved in your mum's presence, that means even he doesnt have regards for her talkless of you. Even if he was angry he shouldnt have acted like that infront of your mum, it shows he doesnt have respect for you or her.

Then the submission thing, to me its like he wants to make all the decision and you must respect whether you like it or not, any good man would also want to hear his gf's ideas/opinions. the fact that he keeps malice irks the hell outta me, he is a man not a child.

So its either you both sit down and talk about your relationship before jumping into marriage, cuz the way i see it will get worse after marriage.

In addition to my earlier post, you can't continue to respond to people like this

luxoire:

Typical answers - probably cant be bothered - i wonder hoe many of us Africans actually make counselling a carrer!

luxoire:

is that all the perspective you can offer - anyway thanks

If u come to a place like NL for advise, you should expect all sorts of comments.

@Ebonyz - thanks choc - think you are right it needs addressing - i know i am not faultless and sometimes i probably get on his nerves but sure it should not be that bad.

Atleast i admit there is a prob that needs addressing

@poster
your mother is a wise and humble person, listen to her and see the writing on the wall.
there is many reason to be upset with your partner, the catch is to be able to squash it in time and move on with your lives in an adult manner. if your partner acts childish now, what will it be when he believe that he "owns you?!

your mother is right also that if he burst like that he should apologize to her "if he thinks that his attitude was wrong". whatever problems you guys were having didnt warrant for such childish behavior.also, how hypocrite would it be if the reason he got upset was because of getting to work for a drink company since he drinks. you either stand by your religious beliefs or not but dont take it half way just when it fits your benefit.

i think you should definitely sit down with that man and tell him that you cannot go on living with someone who turns away and close himself completely for days on end instead of communicating with you as an equal.
if you say he has a temper then watch out!!!!

luxoire:

@Ebonyz - thanks choc - think you are right it needs addressing - i know i am not faultless and sometimes i probably get on his nerves but sure it should not be that bad.

Atleast i admit there is a prob that needs addressing

ofcos you are not faultless, we are women
But u need to sit him down and tell him how you feel and if he doesnt change then i suggest u then ask yourself if you can live with him with the rest of your life with that attitude. The answer will decide your future

my dear u sound like someone who is  madly in love but are u ready to face the fact or reality the guy is arrogant talking like that b4 ur mum  it is an insult but however u need call him sit him down talk to his senses that u cannot tolerate this act of insurbodination watch his reaction b4 u jump into marriage and also pray very wel about it wshing u allda best in life

Traits like that just don't dissapear.
The real question is can you continue to deal with his unpredicatble outburst? if yes and dats his only fault then go for it and pray/hope God performs miracle on him

jay bee:

Traits like that just don't dissapear.
The real question is can you continue to deal with his unpredicatble outburst? if yes and dats his only fault then go for it and pray/hope God performs miracle on him

You see that is it - it is his only fault - he is in eveyr other way the perfect man - Pastor told me same as above, that if it were his only fault and my temperament complements his (which it does) then there is a reason God put us together and so we should work and support each other.

I dont think he will ever feel as though he 'owns' me - as his family dont even particularly believe in bride price etc, its just that I need God to soften his heart in anger and let him be more tolerant

I do love him and ideally i would like this all resolved before we get married, but like someone said down there it probably wont just disappear it takes time

I see my mum's point,

Dont try to sit him down like most pple have said here.You know what,he will beg you and promise you that he will change.He will even go and postrate and apologise for you mother.But u can never chnage the skin of a chameleon.
Hwe cant change cos that is the way he was brought up.Dont be blind folded with the love you have for him.Broken engagement is btter than broken marriage.You know him very well now that u hv not married him so u wont have any complain whn u get married to him anytime he displays his anger then.All you will do then is to cry and be un happy.Our parents see more than we do.Your mum has seen fire and danger in that relationship,she wont be there inur home whn u get married and she wont be happy to see u unhappy in the future.She may not be able to tell you to leave him becos she knows u r in love and she wont want to break ur heart but she is sending the message to you in proverbs.
I know you don't pray for divorce.A day will come in ur marriage when there will be argument and both of u r angry,will u keep quiet ?NO.What happens then when u don't listen to him,he becomes more angry and he may beat you.Have u thot of that.
In a rship,as a woman,u shld have u say as well.
My advice is to walk away please.Please read the book of proverbs very well abt angry man.It is better not to live under the same roof with them.Someone that cant listen to ur pastor and misbehave in ur mum's present,my dear u r nobody to him.
I had a friend like that too,i had to walk away cos he was aware of his anger too.He always blamed me for him anger but whn i went away,the next girl ran away too.So he is aware no w that he is the cause of his own problem.He is back now to me for marriage.Bu ti will never marry him, God forbids

My Dear, If he couldn't give your mum that respect and behaved in such a manner, Its not going to get better. Marriage is only going to make it worse. Think of it this way, what happens when you both are married and the kids start coming? When you both have an argument and he refuses to talk to mummy for days or even eat mummy's food for days? Don't you think this would rub off on the kids in a wrong way? Do not think about only yourself here, Be wise my dear.

Thanks ladies - the general consensus seems to be he cant change - i want to believe he can, and i think it may be too soon to give up on him yet.

Perhaps push the wedding to next year and tell him the reason. though how do you tell a man i dont want to marry you because of your anger?

na wah ohh

@rave - i feel you and i have often thought of the last point you made about the kids, it something that eats away at me, as same way he expects respect in front of them, i would too

i think i need to give let him know how i feel and take it from there ideally

a man that cannot control his temper in public, even in front of your mother, is not a good deal to me.

My dear a pushed-back wedding for now is better than a broken marriage in 5, 10 or 15yrs time. Everyone's advice has been good thus far I hope you follow it but from what I have seen, you are determined to marry this man.

Hmmm,Lord have mercy! I don't pray to spend a day with someone like ur guy. That said,do u really see urself getting hooked for life with someone who can't control his anger? What will u do if his anger gets out of hand and he beats u up? Forget getting marriage for now. If he can't control his anger,then, I am afraid,u've been dealing with wrong person.

Thanks for the advice so far, and yes i would love to marry me, like i said he is perfect in every other way but the anger thing!
Has he ever, raised his hand at me? No, ahas he ever insinuated he felt like it - No,
Do i think he will ever change? - not completely (but i think he could make more of an effort to control it)
am i ready to spend the rest of my life with someone like this - not at the level he is at the moment (hence the second thoughts) but i would if i see making and active effort.

hence why i am willing to give him more time (like someone said - better a a postponed wedding than a broken marriage)

luxoire:

Thanks for the advice so far, and yes i would love to marry me, like i said he is perfect in every other way but the anger thing!
Has he ever, raised his hand at me? No, ahas he ever insinuated he felt like it - No,
Do i think he will ever change? - not completely (but i think he could make more of an effort to control it)
am i ready to spend the rest of my life with someone like this - not at the level he is at the moment (hence the second thoughts) but i would if i see making and active effort.

hence why i am willing to give him more time (like someone said - better a a postponed wedding than a broken marriage)

If u continue with this feeling and see things this way,u will end up getting married to him.Can u test him by getting him angry and whn he raise his voice u raise urs and see the extent of his anger?Be careful woman.

Egbami, what do these typical backward naija man with a flawed mindset that "omo london girls" are good for nothing, feisty, disrespectful, arrogant, ill-mannered nothing to write home girls doing always doing with one, especially when those supposedly butter wouldn't melt in their mouth naija raised girls boku plenty for UK !!!

Marry this possessive, controlling guy and be ready to give up your life and identity and be prepared to end up emotionally battered and bruised and broken with no sense of selfworth and a shadow of your former self.

If i read this right, your Mum is waiting for him to come and apologise to her but you are petrified of bringing up the issue before him because of your fear he will blank you and not talk to you for a week again.

Luxoire, you've only known this guy a year, bite the bullet and don't keep Mummy waiting.

nikkykay:

If u continue with this feeling and see things this way,u will end up getting married to him.Can u test him by getting him angry and whn he raise his voice u raise urs and see the extent of his anger?Be careful woman.

Well said!

Busy_body:

Egbami, what do these typical backward naija man with a flawed mindset that "omo london girls" are good for nothing, feisty, disrespectful, arrogant, ill-mannered nothing to write home girls doing always doing with one, especially when those supposedly butter wouldn't melt in their mouth naija raised girls boku plenty for UK !!!

Marry this possessive, controlling guy and be ready to give up your life and identity and be prepared to end up emotionally battered and bruised and broken with no sense of selfworth and a shadow of your former self.

If i read this right, your Mum is waiting for him to come and apologise to her but you are petrified of bringing up the issue before him because of your fear he will blank you and not talk to you for a week again.

Luxoire, you've only known this guy a year, bite the bullet and don't keep Mummy waiting.

This post deserves 5 stars. Well said!

@poster,
Beliv me,one year is a very long time when it comes to relationships.Alot can happen within the one year period including breakup.U guys did not breakup within dis period but were facing bouts of his anger.Here's a frank truth; he still has some growing up to do.Fine he has not ever raised his hands on u,but what guarantee do u hav that he wouldn't soon or when u guy get married?One year is so long for him to hav changed his 'bad' temperament,but since he didn't,i'm almost doubting if he will soon.Since u love him so much,my suggestion therefore,is that u giv him a lil time(no marry am o i use God name beg u) and see weda he'll change.If he does,goodluck wif d wedding,else,RUN FOR UR LIFE!!!!

nana:

This post deserves 5 stars. Well said!

Busy_body:

Egbami, what do these typical backward naija man with a flawed mindset that "omo london girls" are good for nothing, feisty, disrespectful, arrogant, ill-mannered nothing to write home girls doing always doing with one, especially when those supposedly butter wouldn't melt in their mouth naija raised girls boku plenty for UK !!!

Marry this possessive, controlling guy and be ready to give up your life and identity and be prepared to end up emotionally battered and bruised and broken with no sense of selfworth and a shadow of your former self.

If i read this right, your Mum is waiting for him to come and apologise to her but you are petrified of bringing up the issue before him because of your fear he will blank you and not talk to you for a week again.

Luxoire, you've only known this guy a year, bite the bullet and don't keep Mummy waiting.

she didn't state that the dude is violent or anything like that.
all he does is give her the silent treatment which can def be overcomed by the way she go about her tactical conflict resolution.

Yes he was wrong to work out on the mum but are their seriously other bad things about dis dude other than the silent treatment?
Just think about it.
I think talking to him and shifting the marriage is a good way to go about it.

I think it's the idea of you wanting to get married soon you find it hard to bring up the subject in order not to upset him, so he doesn't cuts off the wedding. Yeah you love him, but I really feel you want to get married to this man because he's available at the moment and you're not getting any younger. I might be wrong though.

Try as much as you can to state your fears to him sensibly with respect. If at the end of the day, despite relaying your concerns with no form of disrespect, he raises his voice or sulks again or still thinks you have disrespected him, then I'll ask that you leave. Emotional torture is no joke. You will be unhappy most of your life time.

stillwater:

I think it's the idea of you wanting to get married soon you find it hard to bring up the subject in order not to upset him, so he doesn't cuts off the wedding. Yeah you love him, but I really feel you want to get married to this man because he's available at the moment and you're not getting any younger. I might be wrong though.

Try as much as you can to state your fears to him sensibly with respect. If at the end of the day, despite relaying your concerns without no form of disrespect, he raises his voice or sulks again or still thinks you have disrespected him, then I'll ask that you leave. Emotional torture is no joke. You will be unhappy most of your life time.

I think this is where i am at the moment, we were looking to the whole marriage thing because by then it would have been over 2yrs of courting. And i fear the emotional toruture more than anything right now!

I am not getting any younger - but i am certainly not old - i am at that stage where it would be nice to get married, but i can afford a about 3 more yrs (God willing)

luxoire:

I think this is where i am at the moment, we were looking to the whole marriage thing because by then it would have been over 2yrs of courting. And i fear the emotional toruture more than anything right now!

I am not getting any younger - but i am certainly not old - i am at that stage where it would be nice to get married, but i can afford a about 3 more yrs (God willing)

I understand. Just try and see if he can reason with you the next time you see each other. If he throws a fit, oh well, I'll ask that you use your head not heart. Even me sef I'll find it hard to leave, we just pray for God's wisdom in situations like this.

There's no need to rush into marriage simply because u love the guy and feel he is the man 4u.i so agree wit stillwaters' post.be careful and giv the relationship more time.its beta to end courtship than end a marriage.very soon he'd start hitting u cos he'd surely look 4a way to vent his anger wen u also turn a cold shoulder to his tantrums.be wise

Thanks Stillwater - i will do that, it'll be hard to leave - but I am pray that God's will be done and if that is it - then (let me not event hink like that now)