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ESSENCE Relationships Editor Demetria Lucas Shares Her Critical Response To Last Night's ABC Nightline Segment: 'Why Can't A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?'

NEW YORK, April 22 /PRNewswire/ -- In "A Response To Nightline's Black Single Ladies' Face-Off", ESSENCE relationships editor Demetria Lucas shares her critical reaction to last night's ABC Nightline segment, "Why Can't A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?"
Lucas is also the author of the blog http://www.abelleinbrooklyn.com/ and was profiled in Tuesday's Washington Post piece, "Dating Guru Demetria Lucas, Pointing the Way to Eligible Black Men", where she gave great dating tips for Black women. She shares her fresh insights and advice on relationships with ESSENCE's audience of 8 million magazine and online readers each month who have looked to the brand as a resource for every facet of African-American women's lives for the past 40 years:


Confession: For several weeks now, I've been living in fear. It started when I learned "Nightline" was headed back to Atlanta for a "Face-Off" debate with the title, "Why Can't A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?"


Before I even knew the line-up (Steve Harvey, Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, Hill Harper, Jimi Izreal) or the questions (though as ESSENCE's Relationships Editor, I guessed most of them), all I could think about was the aftermath of a show they did about the same topic back in December. What ensued was a sort of Single Black Woman hysteria, an expected reaction when it's repeatedly implied that checking "single" on an application of any kind after 30 means you have somehow failed in life, and that your prospects of finding a great guy to love and love you back are pretty slim.
It's possible this topic has been so over-covered that I'm numb. But actually? The segment wasn't as bad as I was expecting. (Jimi Izreal though?) I guess when you bring men and women to a roundtable to discuss relationships--as ESSENCE did in its May issue, currently on stands--you cut through a lot of the outlandish speculation and have a real progressive discussion. All forthcoming conversations about the state of heterosexual relationships should implement this policy as it's never made sense to me why same sex groups are expected to address a dual sex concern.



The panel, moderated by Nightline's Vicki Mabrey, covered the usual fair--interracial dating, Black men with Peter Pan syndrome, and the Obamas. But throughout, the lack of communication between the sexes bothered me. It seemed no matter how many times Sherri and Jacque reiterated what Black women want in a man--a guy with a steady job, who is secure with himself, who can provide a friendship, and partnership, and maybe help them take out their cornrows from time to time--the male half of the panel didn't seem to get it. Instead of listening to the ladies, Izreal told them what they wanted (as if): a Denzel prototype. Steve told the women the simple things they wanted weren't possible (you want a man to help take out your cornrows? Not in his DNA.) If five good and grown Black adults who all work in some fashion in the field of communication--and every man on the panel has a book on relationships--can't make sense of what the opposite sex wants, I wondered what hope does that leave for the rest of us?



I took away some useful male insight from the panelists--I am the potential link to a man's success, men may be more ashamed of their lack of success than "intimidated" by a woman's accomplishments, and men aren't trying to see me taking out my hair. But ultimately, what I re-learned was the biggest obstacle to building healthy relationships might be an inability to catch on to the fundamentals like communication and hope. I know it will take more than just that to get us down the aisle and over the broom, but we've got to get a command of the basics if we ever expect to go from RSVPing for weddings to planning them.
Demetria Lucas, Relationships Editor
ESSENCE Magazine

http://www.essence.com/relationships/hot_topics_5/nightline_successful_bla ck_woman_commentary.php
Source: ESSENCE Magazine

CONTACT: Sheila Harris, +1-212-522-1089, sharris@essence.com
Web Site: http://www.essence.com/

@Poster,
if you need accurate and reasonable comments, you need to shorten the story and post the link under it. The members here are mainly young people and they do not have the time to read thru your entire post.
@topic,
Successful black women(naija women as reference) are generally bossy and controlling. No sensible man wants a woman who will boss him around.

Ok.

cantell:

Successful black women(naija women as reference) are generally bossy and controlling. No sensible man wants a woman who will boss him around.

Gbam. Added to that is the fact that more often than not (80%), she owes her 'success' to another man, to whom she'll keep paying 'homage' in kind. Which sensible man wants such for a girlfriend or wife.

pro01:

Gbam. Added to that is the fact that more often than not (80%), she owes her 'success' to another man, to whom she'll keep paying 'homage' in kind. Which sensible man wants such for a girlfriend or wife.

why not reduce this your statistics? i see a lot of women around me that have achieved a lot of financial success simply because they started working at an early age and have risen to managerial positions in their organizations.
I think the issue with the working black woman is that they focus on getting jobs and paying the bills, and after that focus on gaining all sorts of independence. by the time they think they are ready for marriage, they have reached a certain age and by then they have acquired such high tastes that it becomes a bit difficult to start with a man from a particular level, he has to be at par or higher and a guy at managerial level or higher is probably married so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aproko:

why not reduce this your statistics? i see a lot of women around me that have achieved a lot of financial success simply because they started working at an early age and have risen to managerial positions in their organizations.
I think the issue with the working black woman is that they focus on getting jobs and paying the bills, and after that focus on gaining all sorts of independence. by the time they think they are ready for marriage, they have reached a certain age and by then they have acquired such high tastes that it becomes a bit difficult to start with a man from a particular level, he has to be at par or higher and a guy at managerial level or higher is probably married so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, who should we blame for that?

^^^bros help me ask am abeg.

me i just dey answer question oh. dem say why dem no dey find man? that was my thinking really, no one on nairaland to blame for that dont worry.

This is a woman little minutes of Madness so guy will always have to contend with such, that is if your lady is earning more than you do,
if not try to work on your ego "i learn its Swag now"
sexdoctor say so

cantell:

@Poster,
if you need accurate and reasonable comments, you need to shorten the story and post the link under it. The members here are mainly young people and they do not have the time to read thru your entire post.
@topic,
Successful black women(naija women as reference) are generally bossy and controlling. No sensible man wants a woman who will boss him around.

Nairaland is not only for Nigerians and hundreds of the thousands of the members are responsible ADULTS, so they are mature enough to decide what to read or not regardless of the number of words.

Now, back to the topic.

The character of a successful black woman in America is different from the one in Nigeria.
Majority of successful black women in Nigeria are not bossy, except you do not understand them and do not know how to get along with them.
Most of them are very humble and many are married to men who not as successful as them.

For example, successful black women in America think they are too "successful" to cook for their husbands. They will gladly say why should they cook for their husbands when both of them are working. Oprah Winfrey, who is unquestionably a role model to many of these "successful" black women, has neither a husband nor any children, but I'm sure she can proudly say she is a successful black woman.

Successful black women in Nigeria, on the other hand, at least for the most past, still know their wifey roles and don't subscribe to the jagbajantis mentality of these successful black women in America, save for a few of our lost Naija sisters who think it's cool to be like these American girls, only to find out why they are single at 35.

because they limit themselves to black men


instead of bein open to all races- there are succeful men everywhere

cant say the same for succesful black men!

ayettymama:

because they limit themselves to black men
instead of bein open to all races- there are succeful men everywhere

cant say the same for succesful black men!

sjeezy8:

english a problem??

ayettymama:

english a problem??

something must be wrong with your head.

sjeezy8:

something must be wrong with your head.

was gonna say the same about your brain

ayettymama:

was gonna say the same about your brain

come and see psycho- the way you replied the thread with speed shows you are sick in the head.

ok there is definitely something wrong with you, your obviously another pathetic looser - **ignored**

and i cant understand why u guys are fighting-african!!!
Anyway,successful people are also paranoid, i guess dat counts since i know many game-playing stay-at-home gold digger males.anyway,what's wrong with being single?

because they limit themselves to black men


instead of bein open to all races- there are succeful men everywhere

cant say the same for succesful black men!

Why do most black women use this as their premise? Once you are in this category of thinking, it puts you into a comfortable delusional corner that  most black men are failures in life. I  was  astonished to hear a black woman talk about how  all black are no good for  her. Even though in her life, she never held a meaningful job, she is a student-never paid her bills. She's always taken off by her parents. I said to her if you cannot find successful black men would you include  your brothers? She said no.  I asked her what happened to all the guys you met in college? Why did you not work to blossom that relationship with a view of settling down with the person? What happened to those  you met at work , conventions and seminars?Maybe they never measured to your social status? How about men you met before you acquired  the so called status?
Some successful black men like Dwyane Wade and Lebron James have gone on to  settle down with their high school sweethearts not minding their new found success and fortune, but some black women feel that If they have a million dollars in their account, they  MUST marry someone who has got 10 million. Okocha and Kanu would still be looking for  wives if they had insisted that she MUST be rich and popular like us. You cannot be as successful as Michele Obama and  still, she found Barrack Obama. She was Obama's senior in their law firm and was making more money than him. She also made more money working at University of Chicago, while Obama was a state senator.  Could these women be more successful than Ursula Burns CEO of Zerox who is happily married, but this time around her husband is not a CEO

This problem is a global one although it seems the one in Nigeria has a little extra flavor to it.Successful women can find men if they remain level headed.The thing is, successful women have this "in your face" attitude. Any little thing, they'll not hesitate to let you know that they are above you.Have you ever had a lady being your boss? It's easier to eat your own shi.t than put up with their nonsense.Any little thing, they will let you know they graduated with first class,they have masters and phd, they have a house in VGC and they have an e-class parked outside. . .they go to Venezuela to get their nails done and visit Paris for shopping afterward. Tell me, who would want to put up with that crap?

The successful women who are married are the ones who were smart enough to keep their heads down and that wouldn't have been easy coz women folk just CAN'T help themselves!

End of!

harakiri:

This problem is a global one although it seems the one in Nigeria has a little extra flavor to it.Successful women can find men if they remain level headed.The thing is, successful women have this "in your face" attitude. Any little thing, they'll not hesitate to let you know that they are above you.Have you ever had a lady being your boss? It's easier to eat your own shi.t than put up with their nonsense.Any little thing, they will let you know they graduated with first class,they have masters and phd, they have a house in VGC and they have an e-class parked outside. . .they go to Venezuela to get their nails done and visit Paris for shopping afterward. Tell me, who would want to put up with that crap?

The successful women who are married are the ones who were smart enough to keep their heads down and that wouldn't have been easy coz women folk just CAN'T help themselves!

End of!

@ d bolded part,my ex did this but she nvr knew things would turn around so fast more than she could ever imagined.now she dey beg like pry 6 pupil. I mean i dnt knw y ladies r like dat

adconline:

because they limit themselves to black men


instead of bein open to all races- there are succeful men everywhere

cant say the same for succesful black men!

Why do most black women use this as their premise? Once you are in this category of thinking, it puts you into a comfortable delusional corner that  most black men are failures in life. I  was  astonished to hear a black woman talk about how  all black are no good for  her. Even though in her life, she never held a meaningful job, she is a student-never paid her bills. She's always taken off by her parents. I said to her if you cannot find successful black men would you include  your brothers? She said no.  I asked her what happened to all the guys you met in college? Why did you not work to blossom that relationship with a view of settling down with the person? What happened to those  you met at work , conventions and seminars?Maybe they never measured to your social status? How about men you met before you acquired  the so called status?
Some successful black men like Dwyane Wade and Lebron James have gone on to  settle down with their high school sweethearts not minding their new found success and fortune, but some black women feel that If they have a million dollars in their account, they  MUST marry someone who has got 10 million. Okocha and Kanu would still be looking for  wives if they had insisted that she MUST be rich and popular like us. You cannot be as successful as Michele Obama and  still, she found Barrack Obama. She was Obama's senior in their law firm and was making more money than him. She also made more money working at University of Chicago, while Obama was a state senator.  Could these women be more successful than Ursula Burns CEO of Zerox who is happily married, but this time around her husband is not a CEO

people mix success with celebrity no lets not do that- lets not talk abt those earning millions to jump arnd the court or a field or sing in an arena for 2hrs, for 2 reasons

1 there arent that many of them

2 they go for white women anyway

Succesful black women, mostly want a succesful [b]black [/b]man-------the only problem with this is the fact that they are lookin for a needle in the haystack, if successful black men marry white women why do black women still feel the need to wait for what will never come??

In western cultures the highest proportion of black people are unemployed, are in jail, are fatherless, in foster homes, on benefits the list goes on

in the uk were talkin abt 1% of the bloody population why should a[i] succesful[/i] woman sell herself short like that??

no please women need to look beyond that man, aint nothing a black man can do a white men cant in fact one date with a white dude and most black women will be very suprised--instead of these women endin up cougers or carryin loosers abt for boyfriends or baby daddies, . .thay should try it!

ayettymama:

people mix success with celebrity no lets not do that- lets not talk abt those earning millions to jump arnd the court or a field or sing in an arena for 2hrs, for 2 reasons

1 there arent that many of them

2 they go for white women anyway

Succesful black women, mostly want a succesful black [/b]man-------the only problem with this is the fact that they are lookin for a needle in the haystack, if successful black men marry white women why do black women still feel the need to wait for what will never come??

In western cultures the highest proportion of black people are unemployed, are in jail, are fatherless, in foster homes, on benefits the list goes on

in the uk were talkin abt 1% of the bloody population[b] why should a[i] succesful[/i] woman sell herself short like that??

no please women need to look beyond that man, aint nothing a black man can do a white men cant in fact one date with a white dude and most black women will be very suprised--instead of these women endin up cougers or carryin loosers abt for boyfriends or baby daddies, . .thay should try it!

o ga ju

These women are successful at making lots of money but they lack the social skills to get husbands. Many good black men want to go out with these

successful women but because these black men are poor but quite educated they will end up being rejected by these women. Becos these women see

them as INFERIOR so the men avoid these kind of situation where the women start to look down on them in a relationship. The truth is good people

dont know how to date anymore in NORTH AMERICA because of distrust. Some guys feel all women expect you to be a G. But thats not easy. A

responsible young black man wont be trying to be a G even at 23 yrs. Successful young black women should date good poor guys as long as they

are hardworking, respectful and loving becos their are not many successful young black men out there. A lot of the boys are in penitentiary. Many of

these women have fallen in love before and they broke up with the guy but couldnt get over him so they see anything lovely in other men. This same

problem gets some young black men too. They fall in love (mostly at first site) and they cant seem to focus the same love on another women.

Another thing is that some young black women generate too much sexual tension so good young black guys run from them cos they dont wanna be

with hoes. The main problem of these young successful black women is that they are too busy and they listen to the social bias that says all young

black men are BAD.

Many Nigerian American women in the US are also complaining.
I have seen Nigerian men who are now American citizens returning to Nigeria to marry Nigerian women here.

[size=14pt]It is shocking to see a Nigerian American who has been living and working in the US since 1987 returning to Nigeria to marry a Nigerian woman he never dated![/size]

Why do they prefer the Nigerian women in Nigeria to the ones in the US?

Orikinla:

Many Nigerian American women in the US are also complaining.
I have seen Nigerian men who are now American citizens returning to Nigeria to marry Nigerian women here.

[size=14pt]It is shocking to see a Nigerian American who has been living and working in the US since 1987 returning to Nigeria to marry a Nigerian woman he never dated![/size]

Why do they prefer the Nigerian women in Nigeria to the ones in the US?

my point exactly- if the nigerian men want to return to th evillage to pick up wives

then why dont the women turn to other men instead??

I think most successful black women cannot find a man not because they are usually searching for a black man but because they are successful,
I.e. they dont really need a man to do anything but satisfy their fleshly lust, most men wouldn't want to date a successful woman because they know they are not really needed, and most men want to feel needed and appreciated, this just me adding my 2 cents,