Ladies and gentlemen,
I am a Gen X wife who has been married for 8 years. I am also a very unhappy person. I've been married for 8 years, 5 out of which have been long distance. I live in another country than my husband. I have caught him cheating on me about 4 times since we have been married. But each time I want to walk away, I am told by my Nigerian family and friends that I am better off staying in the marriage because someone else would eagerly replace me as soon as I leave, and that all Nigerian men are like that. Honestly my views are very contrary to that, but I have been enduring all these years, with the mindset that my husband will join me abroad soon and this will be a thing of the past. However for the past 3 years, something always comes up and we have to move our plans to the next year. Frankly I am now sick and tired of the whole thing because I feel emotionally deprived and sexually frustrated. Whenever my husband visits and we have sex, it is usually like a chore, very boring and hardly any pre-intimacy. We don't even kiss. We have two kids together. Shortly before and after my second kid was born, he didn't even touch me sexually for about 6 weeks. Ladies and gentlemen I am sick and tired now. My life is boring and romance less, and I am still very young ( early thirties). Especially because I know it is a double standard. My husband is having a field day dating side chicksin Naija, while I'm here playing the faithful wife. It's bleeped, essentially. He really majorly plays the role of provider, because he has a relatively high paying job. But at this point, I will prefer to just be with someone who doesn't earn as much but makes me happy and can go through the day to day struggles of life with me, in person. I have two things on my mind: have an open marriage and stay married to thid guy for the sake of co-parenting, or just get separated. Please bear In mind that I have a modest career. What would you advise? Your honest opinions please.

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babyfaceafrica:
Story

For the gods

You are already physically and emotionally
separated from your husband, make it legal. Stop letting others dictate your life and do what's good for you and the kids. If you think that he is going to be faithful just because he is reunited with you, you are sadly mistaken.

But at this point, I will prefer to just be with someone who doesn't earn as much but makes me happy and can go through the day to day struggles of life with me, in person.

You just uttered a blunt truth many young Nigerian girls desperately hate to hear! I hope they'd learn from it.

You've been gone for 5 years, sincerely you can't blame both d man and yourself. You're a woman, you find it easier to stay off sex for long. Even if u cheat, u can't beat ur husband and this cheating is kinda excusable..married yet separated for 5 years. What's d essence of marriage in d first place?

About him not giving you a pre-intimacy.. He seem to have forgotten you've stayed off it for long, while he gets it often...2 contrasting feelings (Ironu o Papo). While he's used to getting "I'm not in d mood" from women and just wanna have his quickie before d mood dies off completely, you on d contrary are hoping for the moment he will satisfy a 5 year accumulated assignment.

Besides since u have kids and ure financially buoyant to take care of them. Maybe u shd call it quit and get a bf or sex mate and feel free and live long. Marriage is not by force abeg. If not for children, why do women need marriage?

Teejayoh:
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am a Gen X wife who has been married for 8 years. I am also a very unhappy person. I've been married for 8 years, 5 out of which have been long distance. I live in another country than my husband. I have caught him cheating on me about 4 times since we have been married. But each time I want to walk away, I am told by my Nigerian family and friends that I am better off staying in the marriage because someone else would eagerly replace me as soon as I leave, and that all Nigerian men are like that. Honestly my views are very contrary to that, but I have been enduring all these years, with the mindset that my husband will join me abroad soon and this will be a thing of the past. However for the past 3 years, something always comes up and we have to move our plans to the next year. Frankly I am now sick and tired of the whole thing because I feel emotionally deprived and sexually frustrated. Whenever my husband visits and we have sex, it is usually like a chore, very boring and hardly any pre-intimacy. We don't even kiss. We have two kids together. Shortly before and after my second kid was born, he didn't even touch me sexually for about 6 weeks. Ladies and gentlemen I am sick and tired now. My life is boring and romance less, and I am still very young ( early thirties). Especially because I know it is a double standard. My husband is having a field day dating side chicksin Naija, while I'm here playing the faithful wife. It's bleeped, essentially. He really majorly plays the role of provider, because he has a relatively high paying job. But at this point, I will prefer to just be with someone who doesn't earn as much but makes me happy and can go through the day to day struggles of life with me, in person. I have two things on my mind: have an open marriage and stay married to thid guy for the sake of co-parenting, or just get separated. Please bear In mind that I have a modest career. What would you advise? Your honest opinions please.

You are part of an African patriarchal society where culture, religion, the law, & society are favourable towards the men.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, your husband can as society & culture enables that behaviour. What have you done besides criticise the very many failings of your husband? Have you considered that maybe you have changed as well and he is also not happy? It’s time the pair of your had a discussion like adults and discussed your marriage because what example are you setting for your children? You live apart that in itself is a challenge most won’t be able to survive. If your child came with the same issue you are struggling with what would you advice?

You can’t worry about being replaced when you are seeking to replace your husband that is hypocritical of you. You can stay purely for the status of marriage but not be in a relationship. A situation where you enjoy the financial security that brings.
Or you ensure your children are provided for and leave. Nothing will ever change as you are part of that society that makes it possible for men to still behave this way. We enable that behaviour.

Your husband is not going to join you abroad anytime soon I can tell you that

MissRaine69:

You are part of an African patriarchal society where culture, religion, the law, & society are favourable towards the men.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, your husband can as society & culture enables that behaviour. What have you done besides criticise the very many failings of your husband? Have you considered that maybe you have changed as well and he is also not happy? It’s time the pair of your had a discussion like adults and discussed your marriage because what example are you setting for your children? You live apart that in itself is a challenge most won’t be able to survive. If your child came with the same issue you are struggling with what would you advice?

You can’t worry about being replaced when you are seeking to replace your husband that is hypocritical of you. You can stay purely for the status of marriage but not be in a relationship. A situation where you enjoy the financial security that brings.
Or you ensure your children are provided for and leave. Nothing will ever change as you are part of that society that makes it possible for men to still behave this way. We enable that behaviour.

@missraine69

Many of your points are correct. I have indeed changed. I am now non-religious, and I'm now less tolerant of BS, I guess my new environment, education, friends and books I read are some factors that have reshaped my views.

The influence of family is so strong, I swear down I have wanted to walk away from this mess several times, but as you have rightly pointed out, the patriarchal nature of our culture always pins it back on the woman.

I have mentally signed out of this and am seriously evaluating my options, especially because one of my goals for this year is to live out the most authentic version of myself and do what I want to do. I have stifled "My truest self" for almost a lifetime. I'm officially done.

Thank you for your two cents.

Kobicove:
Your husband is not going to join you abroad anytime soon I can tell you that

It is tending towards that because something always comes up to change the plans.

RadicallyBlunt:

You just uttered a blunt truth many young Nigerian girls desperately hate to hear! I hope they'd learn from it.

You've been gone for 5 years, sincerely you can't blame both d man and yourself. You're a woman, you find it easier to stay off sex for long. Even if u cheat, u can't beat ur husband and this cheating is kinda excusable..married yet separated for 5 years. What's d essence of marriage in d first place?

About him not giving you a pre-intimacy.. He seem to have forgotten you've stayed off it for long, while he gets it often...2 contrasting feelings (Ironu o Papo). While he's used to getting "I'm not in d mood" from women and just wanna have his quickie before d mood dies off completely, you on d contrary are hoping for the moment he will satisfy a 5 year accumulated assignment.

Besides since u have kids and ure financially buoyant to take care of them. Maybe u shd call it quit and get a bf or sex mate and feel free and live long. Marriage is not by force abeg. If not for children, why do women need marriage?

You are right @RadicallyBlunt. I need to take decisive steps this year. Thank you for your two cents.

Teejayoh:


@missraine69

Many of your points are correct. I have indeed changed. I am now non-religious, and I'm now less tolerant of BS, I guess my new environment, education, friends and books I read are some factors that have reshaped my views.

The influence of family is so strong, I swear down I have wanted to walk away from this mess several times, but as you have rightly pointed out, the patriarchal nature of our culture always pins it back on the woman.

I have mentally signed out of this and am seriously evaluating my options, especially because one of my goals for this year is to live out the most authentic version of myself and do what I want to do. I have stifled "My truest self" for almost a lifetime. I'm officially done.

Thank you for your two cents.

We have this one life to live we can either live it based on how others wish we live or you make your own happiness no one is going to do that for you. It’s about them and theirs.
Good luck