Monday, 3rd September, 2018. I'm sitting in my posh room, thoughts racing back and forth, refusing to settle at anything. I think I have had enough. I consciously leaped into this ditch, and since there is no way out I have accepted my fate, I have accepted defeat. Hemingway was right, "A man can only be defeated but not destroyed." The society has conspired to give me a thorough and deliberate beating. My defeat scars are many, and I want to end it all. Perhaps sharing will help me heal, help me find closure.

My life. I graduated with stellar grades from a decent university, served in an international school, then joined one of the Big Four accounting firms straight after youth service. Back in the university, I had this ever-loyal girlfriend. You know the perfect university couple. We went everywhere together: lectures, cafeteria, viewing centers, etc. People often romantically shouted, "I go love oooo" when they saw us together. The compliments flowed, swelling my head like those inflated balloons we played with in Primary school. Life was good. I thought it would remain that way. Naivety is a dangerous thing.

Onwards to my life as a professional. My spirit was not crushed by the long hours or the mentally challenging problems to which I had to find solution for clients. I was crushed by the psychological challenges, none of them remotely related to work. First, my girlfriend started brooding over the thought of having me yank her off the relationship market, citing the many men readying themselves to have her to themselves, 'men casting their lustful eyes where they have no business' (apologies Soyinka). To wade them off, I engaged her, did a hurried introduction and picked a date for our wedding.

When my mom got wind of what I had done, she was vigorously furious. In one of our heated conversations over the phone (she is a permanent resident in the US), she said, "you have lost your head, son. A man should build a career before taking a woman. Women are like handbags. You buy it empty then you fill it with your own possessions on a need-to-use basis." If only I had listened. If only I had learnt how to reign in my impulse. And ever since we had that ugly conversation, my life and career has gone downhill.

I have had two major surgeries, and in a few days I will have a third one for an ailment I don't know how I got. I have resigned my position at the firm I work for. I'm considering calling off the engagement and retiring to a quiet part of Nigeria to become a teacher - something I really love doing. My mom hardly calls me. That of my siblings is even worse. I feel alone and deserted, save for my girlfriend. I have shifted blames from my work place to my girlfriend to my family. I have contemplated suicide. None of the thought-out plans seem reasonable enough to help me climb out of the ditch I'm trapped in. James Baldwin was right, "the society has conspired to make me nothing...and it's been deliberate." I am tired. I need to put out the lights, to rest.

My mistake and lesson for you? every work place has a stiff-upper-lip attitude to psychological challenges. It is better to avoid them, because if you let it define you, you are on your own. There is no support anywhere. Guard your mind jealously. Make no commitments, unless you can break commitments as fast as you make them. One of my biggest weaknesses is that old school dictum of being a man of my words. Thanks to it, I did myself in. Don't joke with your family. In the end no love is as genuine as that of your mom.

I have failed. I need to put out the lights, to start afresh, to rest but I don't know how best to do it. I'm currently in search of rest and tranquility.

Don't joke with your family. In the end no love is as genuine as that of your mom.


Nothing like family.
Nothing like a mother's love.

Good you've learnt your lesson.

From your write up

Tankado:
I have had two major surgeries, and in a few days I will have a third one for an ailment I don't know how I got

Your major problem is your health, you just have to believe in yourself & keep pushing.
Forget about your GF & let her go, love is temporary as you will find someone else when you are stable.

I really don't support you being a teacher in a remote city, simply because you love it. You will be broke & eventually become depressed/suicidal. Just relocate to US where your mum is, you'll be fine.

You've not failed chairman and it's never too late. Every blessed day is the beginning of a new beginning, reset and restart, if you could do it then then surely you can do it now, even better.

Just two quotes for you ...

Tough times don't last, but tough people do.

The road to success is always under construction

Cheer up Bro...Family first .

Make peace with your family and always find every reason to encourage yourself to live. Suicide is never an option think of your family no matter what they still need you

D deed as been done, do what makes you happy and for the babe frgt her she's not meant for you.

OP has psychological issues...go and see a doctor

.

.

Your mistake : You listen to the world too much! You got carried away by people's rants, praises, cheers and all that came out of their mouths. You lose yourself to what people say or will say instead of you to build a strong relationship between your mind, your brain , your consciousness and self will,You allowed society determine who you are. Even your girlfriend took advantage of that.


No sane woman in love will tell her Man those things. At least not as a means to get engaged. She practically rushed you into what you aren't prepared for and you fell hard for it. You in your bid not to lose her got engaged but does she feel the same way? I don't know. Probably she's just one of the impatient ones. who knows? But then she took advantage of your weakness.


Now be a Man. Reconnect back to your being, build that relationship you ought to have built. Feel less, think more and make decisions you will benefit from. Think for yourself and act. Start all over not necessarily as a teacher, you can go back to what you were doing before but as a changed man and with a different reason ( yourself) . I believe you can do it.

Thanks everyone for the kind and positive words. I do have a psychological disorder. I hear voices and I act at their dictation. A brutal way to live.

A little more background. I grew up in a family of high achievers. The bar was already too high, and having not measured up, my family lost belief in my ability. That was my first feeling of being crushed. Then when I met someone who believed in my abilities, I swore never to let her slip me by. Being with her was like a drug, a dope. She gave my life an anchor, a reason to hope, a reason to achieve

When I joined the corporate world, she cheered me on. I was miserable but the money flowed freely, I had prestige, respect and friends. Now nearly 4 years down the line, how am I supposed to leave a well-paid job?

But then I want to heal. I want to get away from the vanity, from the luxury. I need something different, I think. But who knows where my search for tranquillity will lead me.

But for now I had an envious life, and I muddled it. I'm much bleeped!

cruchenutii:
From your write up

Your major problem is your health, you just have to believe in yourself & keep pushing.
Forget about your GF & let her go, love is temporary as you will find someone else when you are stable.

I really don't support you being a teacher in a remote city, simply because you love it. You will be broke & eventually become depressed/suicidal. Just relocate to US where your mum is, you'll be fine.

You are right. Mom filed for the immigrant visa a year and half ago. Don't know why it's taking so long.

Don't wanna go there, though. My siblings they think me a weakling already. I created this mess. I will clean it up or draw the curtains, trying. I can't survive their mockery that's why I'm giving up on the US option even if it comes.

Thanks for the kind words, the more I read and type a response, the better I feel. Again thanks, a bunch.

Tankado:
Monday, 3rd September, 2018. I'm sitting in my posh room, thoughts racing back and forth, refusing to settle at anything. I think I have had enough. I consciously leaped into this ditch, and since there is no way out I have accepted my fate, I have accepted defeat. Hemingway was right, "A man can only be defeated but not destroyed." The society has conspired to give me a thorough and deliberate beating. My defeat scars are many, and I want to end it all. Perhaps sharing will help me heal, help me find closure.

My life. I graduated with stellar grades from a decent university, served in an international school, then joined one of the Big Four accounting firms straight after youth service. Back in the university, I had this ever-loyal girlfriend. You know the perfect university couple. We went everywhere together: lectures, cafeteria, viewing centers, etc. People often romantically shouted, "I go love oooo" when they saw us together. The compliments flowed, swelling my head like those inflated balloons we played with in Primary school. Life was good. I thought it would remain that way. Naivety is a dangerous thing.

Onwards to my life as a professional. My spirit was not crushed by the long hours or the mentally challenging problems to which I had to find solution for clients. I was crushed by the psychological challenges, none of them remotely related to work. First, my girlfriend started brooding over the thought of having me yank her off the relationship market, citing the many men readying themselves to have her to themselves, 'men casting their lustful eyes where they have no business' (apologies Soyinka). To wade them off, I engaged her, did a hurried introduction and picked a date for our wedding.

When my mom got wind of what I had done, she was vigorously furious. In one of our heated conversations over the phone (she is a permanent resident in the US), she said, "you have lost your head, son. A man should build a career before taking a woman. Women are like handbags. You buy it empty then you fill it with your own possessions on a need-to-use basis." If only I had listened. If only I had learnt how to reign in my impulse. And ever since we had that ugly conversation, my life and career has gone downhill.

I have had two major surgeries, and in a few days I will have a third one for an ailment I don't know how I got. I have resigned my position at the firm I work for. I'm considering calling off the engagement and retiring to a quiet part of Nigeria to become a teacher - something I really love doing. My mom hardly calls me. That of my siblings is even worse. I feel alone and deserted, save for my girlfriend. I have shifted blames from my work place to my girlfriend to my family. I have contemplated suicide. None of the thought-out plans seem reasonable enough to help me climb out of the ditch I'm trapped in. James Baldwin was right, "the society has conspired to make me nothing...and it's been deliberate." I am tired. I need to put out the lights, to rest.

My mistake and lesson for you? every work place has a stiff-upper-lip attitude to psychological challenges. It is better to avoid them, because if you let it define you, you are on your own. There is no support anywhere. Guard your mind jealously. Make no commitments, unless you can break commitments as fast as you make them. One of my biggest weaknesses is that old school dictum of being a man of my words. Thanks to it, I did myself in. Don't joke with your family. In the end no love is as genuine as that of your mom.

I have failed. I need to put out the lights, to start afresh, to rest but I don't know how best to do it. I'm currently in search of rest and tranquility.

sorry to say,your mom is the most foolish woman on earth.
She has lost her true identity.carried away by western frivolities and shenanigans.
Send me a pm!

cruchenutii:
From your write up

Your major problem is your health, you just have to believe in yourself & keep pushing.
Forget about your GF & let her go, love is temporary as you will find someone else when you are stable.

I really don't support you being a teacher in a remote city, simply because you love it. You will be broke & eventually become depressed/suicidal. Just relocate to US where your mum is, you'll be fine.

all these things you said are not true

I advice that you take a short break from everything and everyone. If you can't afford a vacation abroad; fly to Lagos or Abuja (depending on which city you live in). Stay in a good hotel and just use the period to reflect on your life. Go see movies, eat out, and just take things easy for at least a full week. This will help clear your mind and help you make see things in a better light.

And most importantly, reach out to your mom and mend fences. If you still want your fiancee to be a part of your life, you must manage her carefully during this period; least you loos her.

nwanneni:
sorry to say,your mom is the most foolish woman on earth.
She has lost her true identity.carried away by western frivolities and shenanigans.
Send me a pm!

come on mate don’t say such thing about someone’s mom, you don’t even know the woman personally,do you?

Triniti:
come on mate don’t say such thing about someone’s mom, you don’t even know the woman personally,do you?

i don't need to know her b4 i can deduce the kind of person she is.
How do i know?i have been in the op's shoes and got out because of my mom,whereas that of the op is opposite?
Nah,something is really wrong somewhere

Tankado:


You are right. Mom filed for the immigrant visa a year and half ago. Don't know why it's taking so long.

Don't wanna go there, though. My siblings they think me a weakling already. I created this mess. I will clean it up or draw the curtains, trying. I can't survive their mockery that's why I'm giving up on the US option even if it comes.

Thanks for the kind words, the more I read and type a response, the better I feel. Again thanks, a bunch.

You aren't tired of this scam format?

Must you dupe everyone before you stop?

Mnyd44, please ban this guy...

Old nick is frustratedrat

Thanks.

BiafranBushBoy:


You aren't tired of this scam format?

Must you dupe everyone before you stop?

Mnyd44, please ban this guy...

Old nick is frustratedrat

Thanks.

Scam format? What would I probably want from you?

Nothing, definitely!

I came here because I needed someone to talk to, someone neutral, someone that won't judge.

But here you're talking of scam. If only you knew me, you'll know that money isn't exactly the problem.

The problem is how to mend a muddled life. I don't have strength to argue. You can chose to ignore, thank you.

Tankado:


Scam format? What would I probably want from you?

Nothing, definitely!

I came here because I needed someone to talk to, someone neutral, someone that won't judge.

But here you're talking of scam. If only you knew me, you'll know that money isn't exactly the problem.

The problem is how to mend a muddled life. I don't have strength to argue. You can chose to ignore, thank you.

Mehn, I feel for you and your present state of health. Note that many wouldn't understand where you are coming from.

Listen, first believe in yourself that taking your life is the worst thing to do as a man is born to pass through situations like yours.

Only your self believe that you can make it back to life by looking back to those who never believed in you, as a strong force to bounce back to life again.

You can make it.

A man i love so much Myles Munroe said (cant remember the exact words though).. our Experiences are what qualifies us to our next level.
Man am jealous of you because have learnt something i have not. I know there is more to your story than you typed but seriously be courageous enough to follow your fears. The story you just shared will certainly be a backbone to your testimonies. Am sure

Dude, slow down man. First and foremost, I want you to know that suicide isn't the best option. I can relate with what you feel, but you need to know that you can't end your life just because of the present situation. I want you to look at the bright side of life and give life another try. it's never too late to start again, and trust me, when u begin with a more focused perception, am certain u will be the best of the best. Don't let the mistakes of the last ruin your bright future bro.

For now, forget about women, ask for God's mercies, forgive yourself, ask for your mums forgiveness, then pick yourself up and become the best version of yourself.

just like the case of a bamboo tree, take a lesson from that, because when a bamboo is planted, you need to keep wetting the ground for 4 years, even though nothing might show up growing, but the root under the ground is rooting up for a firm foundation, and in the 5th year, the bamboo grows 90fts tall within six months... so don't give up fam... just believe in God and believe in yourself... as I also believe in you bro...

please kindly drop your digits so we could call you to check up on you, so you don't pull the plug and end it all... because we out here care about u fam...

God bless your ways with prosperity...

Trust me when I tell u these; "YOU HAVE NOT YET FAILED!". All u need to do right now is to reconnect to your maker (God) so that u can rediscover your purpose in life. You need divine directions and it can only comes from God not men. Pls redeem the face of God & I asure u all will be excellent again in due season.

Remember the story of Joseph; how he found himself in the prison yard.

Remember the story of Jonah in the bible also how he found himself in the belly of the fish. What happen after that?

Remember the story of Job as well!

My brother, all hope is not lost & I see u ascending higher than u have ever been. Pls get reconnected to the word of God, it will open your purpose & destiny. At the end, u will realized that, it was all a phased. Heaven will locate u going forward & the grace & mercies of God will continue to speak for u henceforth. Remain bless as u continue in your journey of life.

I like how you made yourself seem like a victim even when you where making stupid decisions with a clear eyes up and down lol. I see through the pity but I'll chose not to indulge.