I have been married for 11 years with 3 kids, we have had our ups and down over the years but our first major fight was 3 years ago where I was physically beaten due to me accusing him of infidelity. Now I have been physically abused again with my hair ripped of my scalp. I cried my eyes out but he never said a word to me. I moved out of the bedroom to the guest room and till date he has refused to say a word to me and comes and goes as he pleases. Keeping malice is his hubby as I see him do that to family friends and loved ones over the years so am not surprised. I usually end the malice but for this one I believe he should be the adult and apologise to me as he is my head and protection but yet he scarred and battered me. I am hurting and cannot continue like this as malice is not my style please advice me on what to do? As he has refused to say sorry for reaping my hair of my scalp while arguing and I think I deserve better and shouldn't be the one to go to him. I am depressed

Dduchess:
I have been married for 11 years with 3 kids, we have had our ups and down over the years but our first major fight was 3 years ago where I was physically beaten due to me accusing him of infidelity. Now I have been physically abused again with my hair ripped of my scalp. I cried my eyes out but he never said a word to me. I moved out of the bedroom to the guest room and till date he has refused to say a word to me and comes and goes as he pleases. Keeping malice is his hubby as I see him do that to family friends and loved ones over the years so am not surprised. I usually end the malice but for this one I believe he should be the adult and apologise to me as he is my head and protection but yet he scarred and battered me. I am hurting and cannot continue like this as malice is not my style please advice me on what to do? As he has refused to say sorry for reaping my hair of my scalp while arguing and I think I deserve better and shouldn't be the one to go to him. I am depressed

Be wise Save ur home. Do u have a proof he is guilty of infidelity? If not, even if there is be smart go be the Adult and use ur woman power of gentleness, kindness and win him back,
I am a man but there is something I have learnt over the years don't use force on a man.

Dduchess:
I have been married for 11 years with 3 kids, we have had our ups and down over the years but our first major fight was 3 years ago where I was physically beaten due to me accusing him of infidelity. Now I have been physically abused again with my hair ripped of my scalp. I cried my eyes out but he never said a word to me. I moved out of the bedroom to the guest room and till date he has refused to say a word to me and comes and goes as he pleases. Keeping malice is his hubby as I see him do that to family friends and loved ones over the years so am not surprised. I usually end the malice but for this one I believe he should be the adult and apologise to me as he is my head and protection but yet he scarred and battered me. I am hurting and cannot continue like this as malice is not my style please advice me on what to do? As he has refused to say sorry for reaping my hair of my scalp while arguing and I think I deserve better and shouldn't be the one to go to him. I am depressed

Once an abuser, always an abuser..... You have given him the licence to be domestically violent with you..... Even if he apologies, it does not stop the DV.

You need to nip DV in the bud..... The same way keeping malice is a hobby to him, so is DV.....

From hair pulling, to slapping, to belting, to testing a knife.....

Honestly i am with u in dis one, mine will never lay a finger on u, but he can keep malice for africa. Even right now we are at it again..and i av vowed not to make d move,bc i dont see d reason a man would derive so much joy in keeping malice

Dduchess:
I have been married for 11 years with 3 kids, we have had our ups and down over the years but our first major fight was 3 years ago where I was physically beaten due to me accusing him of infidelity. Now I have been physically abused again with my hair ripped of my scalp. I cried my eyes out but he never said a word to me. I moved out of the bedroom to the guest room and till date he has refused to say a word to me and comes and goes as he pleases. Keeping malice is his hubby as I see him do that to family friends and loved ones over the years so am not surprised. I usually end the malice but for this one I believe he should be the adult and apologise to me as he is my head and protection but yet he scarred and battered me. I am hurting and cannot continue like this as malice is not my style please advice me on what to do? As he has refused to say sorry for reaping my hair of my scalp while arguing and I think I deserve better and shouldn't be the one to go to him. I am depressed

What a sad story. I feel for you ma’am but I’d like to point out certain things and probably advise in my own little way.

1. I’m a husband and I am happily married so I guess I am in a position to speak for and against u.

2. I believe both of you never started this way. Atleast for u to have being together for years and no issue until after 3years shows you both ran the home in a good way.

3. However I believe you would have been having some lil misunderstanding which I believe werent well handled. Maybe swept under the carpet and being bottled up so eventually leading to the fight or whatever happened that led to harvesting of your hair. Sorry I meant ripping off. U said reaping so I was like was it a crop?

4. Nobody on the face of the earth can be 100% right or 100% wrong. So I assumed u also have your faults just like him. And u both need to admit that.

5. Me and my wife do quarrel but I’ve learnt one or two tricks that helps us and one if it it humour. Whenever I’m angry at something she does and I show it, she accepts her faults and some mins later does something funny and that’s the end. She might later word me well well o, and of course I pick my faults and apologize and that’s it.

6. There is no home without issues but malice is a monster that should not be allowed

7. Whatever you did in those years that helped the home, pls go back to it.

8. I want to believe both of u provoked each other that eventually led to this violence but that has to be worked on.

9. I am not in support of violence again women or men but I won’t advise you to leave your home. I believe you can still make it work. Just go back to how you started.

I pray things work out like it has always been in Jesus name. Amen.

Beating you pulling out your hair but you are concerned about malice smh.

Go and beg as usual, weak annoying women when he kills you tomorrow people will be demanding empathy

hopeforcharles:

Be wise Save ur home. Do u have a proof he is guilty of infidelity? If not, even if there is be smart go be the Adult and use ur woman power of gentleness, kindness and win him back,
I am a man but there is something I have learnt over the years don't use force on a man.

So she should keep getting trampled on because she wants to keep her home? This is not good advice.

A man should not see himself as a god who cannot accept his wrong and apologize. It gradually strips the woman of any self worth and esteem she might have.

ImaIma1:


So she should keep getting trampled on because she wants to keep her home? This is not good advice.

A man should not see himself as a god who cannot accept his wrong and apologize. It gradually strips the woman of any self worth and esteem she might have.

This same method of thinking will sink a home instead of mending it,
A way to win a person especially your superiors is to overlook some things except you are no more interested but if you are u should be the one to use a tact and win him back.
The man in question can divorce her and still marry more wives if he likes,
And you women tends to forget that he is the one that married you. You shouldnt and can't and will not be the same with him.

My God, the things I read on Nairaland. A woman has her own identity, she has her own life and if she decides to break up with this man, guess what ? HER LIFE iS NOT OVER! She still has much to live for, her children, her business, her family and many more. You can’t overlook somebody who could threaten your life, just because of silly stereotypical views that mean absolutely nothing. What type of husband beats his wife without empathy or concern? There’s no atom of respect for her, yet the wife should go and beg her king as she is nothing without him. Are you sure you’re okay? Are Nigerian men really this shallow and misogynistic or is this just an online fallacy?

I believe this woman is just scared as she’s spent a good 11 years with this man. She can’t picture her life without him. If somebody is making you’re life a misery and the relationship is toxic, no matter how long you’ve been with that person, you need to find your way out. She needs some time to find herself, to separate her identity from her husbands. Self love/care is very important, please try to give this woman the same advice you would give to your sister. Ah ah kilodeeeee

hopeforcharles:

This same method of thinking will sink a home instead of mending it,
A way to win a person especially your superiors is to overlook some things except you are no more interested but if you are u should be the one to use a tact and win him back.
The man in question can divorce her and still marry more wives if he likes,
And you women tends to forget that he is the one that married you. You shouldnt and can't and will not be the same with him.

Saffi:
My God, the things I read on Nairaland. A woman has her own identity, she has her own life and if she decides to break up with this man, guess what ? HER LIFE iS NOT OVER! She still has much to live for, her children, her business, her family and many more. You can’t overlook somebody who could threaten your life, just because of silly stereotypical views that mean absolutely nothing. What type of husband beats his wife without empathy or concern? There’s no atom of respect for her, yet the wife should go and beg her king as she is nothing without him. Are you sure you’re okay? Are Nigerian men really this shallow and misogynistic or is this just an online fallacy?

I believe this woman is just scared as she’s spent a good 11 years with this man. She can’t picture her life without him. If somebody is making you’re life a misery and the relationship is toxic, no matter how long you’ve been with that person, you need to find your way out. She needs some time to find herself, to separate her identity from her husbands. Self love/care is very important, please try to give this woman the same advice you would give to your sister. Ah ah kilodeeeee

Are you married ?

Yes I am.

Guitarlife:

Are you married ?

Saffi:
Yes I am.

And you are advising her to divorce because of ego ? If this is how everyone divorces how many married homes will still be standing ? Do you know the west (Europe and NOrth America) has by far the highest divorce rates (well above 50%) as a result of this your kind of thinking ? Marriage is not about fairness, its about sacrifice(I suspect you might mis-interprete this sha).

So basically you’re telling me, domestic violence is not a good enough reason to divorce? I can guarantee that she may try to work things out but she will never be genuinely happy or at peace and will only try to make things work for her children.

Divorce is definitely an option, and even if that’s not the case...She definitely needs to take time to separate herself from her husband, get some space. Talk to her family and get some guidance, not begging her husband for a mistake that he made. His actions are saying a lot to me, I see no reason why a man should batter his wife for infedility accusations if he is not guilty. I do not have to sacrifice my sanity and possibly my life, to keep my marriage. Please stop this

Guitarlife:

And you are advising her to divorce because of ego ? If this is how everyone divorces how many married homes will still be standing ? Do you know the west (Europe and NOrth America) has by far the highest divorce rates (well above 50%) as a result of this your kind of thinking ? Marriage is not about fairness, its about sacrifice(I suspect you might mis-interprete this sha).

I find this rather absurd ....

which kain fight two ADULTS dey fight to the extent that one was able to pull the hair off the scalp of another....what was the victim doing when that was going on How can you stay and watch while another is pulling your hair out...what led to this?

This story is definitely incomplete but whatever the real case may be, PLEASE LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to keep your sanity intact! You have one life to live, live it to the fullest in peace and joy....You owe yourself and your children that much.

Set clear boundaries, start respecting yourself so others can respect you, including your spouse.

No be every woman man fit beat! Even men dey fear face....lol

Saffi:
So basically you’re telling me, domestic violence is not a good enough reason to divorce? I can guarantee that she may try to work things out but she will never be genuinely happy or at peace and will only try to make things work for her children.

Divorce is definitely an option, and even if that’s not the case...She definitely needs to take time to separate herself from her husband, get some space. Talk to her family and get some guidance, not begging her husband for a mistake that he made. His actions are saying a lot to me, I see no reason why a man should batter his wife for infedility accusations if he is not guilty. I do not have to sacrifice my sanity and possibly my life, to keep my marriage. Please stop this

They have been married for 11 years, that is an achievement in itself. And why are you forgetting that you have only heard from one party , have you heard from the husband ? I can bet you the wife might have initiated the violence but do you expect her to come here and narrate events as it happened, try to be a little objective.

Saffi:
My God, the things I read on Nairaland. A woman has her own identity, she has her own life and if she decides to break up with this man, guess what ? HER LIFE iS NOT OVER! She still has much to live for, her children, her business, her family and many more. You can’t overlook somebody who could threaten your life, just because of silly stereotypical views that mean absolutely nothing. What type of husband beats his wife without empathy or concern? There’s no atom of respect for her, yet the wife should go and beg her king as she is nothing without him. Are you sure you’re okay? Are Nigerian men really this shallow and misogynistic or is this just an online fallacy?

I believe this woman is just scared as she’s spent a good 11 years with this man. She can’t picture her life without him. If somebody is making you’re life a misery and the relationship is toxic, no matter how long you’ve been with that person, you need to find your way out. She needs some time to find herself, to separate her identity from her husbands. Self love/care is very important, please try to give this woman the same advice you would give to your sister. Ah ah kilodeeeee

When you feminists finally make her lose her home then maybe you feminist will take her in and give her a man or so.
I am done arguing with closed minded people like you

Saffi:
My God, the things I read on Nairaland. A woman has her own identity, she has her own life and if she decides to break up with this man, guess what ? HER LIFE iS NOT OVER! She still has much to live for, her children, her business, her family and many more. You can’t overlook somebody who could threaten your life, just because of silly stereotypical views that mean absolutely nothing. What type of husband beats his wife without empathy or concern? There’s no atom of respect for her, yet the wife should go and beg her king as she is nothing without him. Are you sure you’re okay? Are Nigerian men really this shallow and misogynistic or is this just an online fallacy?

I believe this woman is just scared as she’s spent a good 11 years with this man. She can’t picture her life without him. If somebody is making you’re life a misery and the relationship is toxic, no matter how long you’ve been with that person, you need to find your way out. She needs some time to find herself, to separate her identity from her husbands. Self love/care is very important, please try to give this woman the same advice you would give to your sister. Ah ah kilodeeeee

When you feminists finally make her lose her home then maybe you feminist will take her in and give her a man or so.
I am done arguing with closed minded people like you

You only heard from one party yet you automatically believe the wilife should go and beg her husband and try to work things out, and that is being objective to you. Anyways it’s normal. I’m not surprised. It is well, everybody must have their opinion,

Guitarlife:

They have been married for 11 years, that is an achievement in itself. And why are you forgetting that you have only heard from one party , have you heard from the husband ? I can bet you the wife might have initiated the violence but do you expect her to come here and narrate events as it happened, try to be a little objective.

Saffi:
You only heard from one party yet you automatically believe the wilife should go and beg her husband and try to work things out, and that is being objective to you. Anyways it’s normal. I’m not surprised. It is well, everybody must have their opinion,

Where did you get that from ? If you are making an allegation dont make it on sentiments, I did not advise the Wife to beg the husband, I am only admonishing you to be a bit more objective, and let me tell you why ?

The wife said the husband pulled her hair from her scalp to me thats a very serious and wicked thing to do but , did you notice that the wifes concern has nothing to do with her health or her hair ? Her concern is about the husband not apologising or keeping malice, so what does that tell you ?

If truly the man did that and she is innocent in a way her complaints will be about the physical abuse not the issue of apology.
So until you get a balanced view of things, it doesnt look like the wifes hands are clean either, unfortunately the man is not here to defend himself.

I hope you get a better picture of the angle am coming from now.

Ok

Guitarlife:

Where did you get that from ? If you are making an allegation dont make it on sentiments, I did not advise the Wife to beg the husband, I am only admonishing you to be a bit more objective, and let me tell you why ?

The wife said the husband pulled her hair from her scalp to me thats a very serious and wicked thing to do but , did you notice that the wifes concern has nothing to do with her health or her hair ? Her concern is about the husband not apologising or keeping malice, so what does that tell you ?

If truly the man did that and she is innocent in a way her complaints will be about the physical abuse not the issue of apology.
So until you get a balanced view of things, it doesnt look like the wifes hands are clean either, unfortunately the man is not here to defend himself.

I hope you get a better picture of the angle am coming from now.

One crate of Budwieser for your bros....Oil dey your head....

Guitarlife:

Where did you get that from ? If you are making an allegation dont make it on sentiments, I did not advise the Wife to beg the husband, I am only admonishing you to be a bit more objective, and let me tell you why ?

The wife said the husband pulled her hair from her scalp to me thats a very serious and wicked thing to do but , did you notice that the wifes concern has nothing to do with her health or her hair ? Her concern is about the husband not apologising or keeping malice, so what does that tell you ?

If truly the man did that and she is innocent in a way her complaints will be about the physical abuse not the issue of apology.
So until you get a balanced view of things, it doesnt look like the wifes hands are clean either, unfortunately the man is not here to defend himself.

I hope you get a better picture of the angle am coming from now.

Saffi:
Yes I am.

..
On the other thread, u said u were just 23 and not mentally ready for marriage..

It’s called sarcasm. I’m married sir.

Uyi168:
..
On the other thread, u said u were just 23 and not mentally ready for marriage..

Saffi:
It’s called sarcasm. I’m married sir.

...
Aiit then..

hopeforcharles:

This same method of thinking will sink a home instead of mending it,
A way to win a person especially your superiors is to overlook some things except you are no more interested but if you are u should be the one to use a tact and win him back.
The man in question can divorce her and still marry more wives if he likes,
And you women tends to forget that he is the one that married you. You shouldnt and can't and will not be the same with him.

Your idea of marriage sounds a bit archaic. There is no superior in the sense that you speak. They are partners in the marriage. what brought them together is love and not a business contract.

The man doesn't just marry the woman. He asks her to marry him and she accepts. It is a two way thing. No one is doing anyone a favour.
And no one has the right to treat the other badly. If you offend or are wrong, you accept and apologize. Marriage is not a dictatorship situation.

hopeforcharles:

This same method of thinking will sink a home instead of mending it,
A way to win a person especially your superiors is to overlook some things except you are no more interested but if you are u should be the one to use a tact and win him back.
The man in question can divorce her and still marry more wives if he likes,
And you women tends to forget that he is the one that married you. You shouldnt and can't and will not be the same with him.

I see you conveniently ignored the part where he physically abused her and ripped her hair off. I'm a woman and I know how painful it is to have your hair manhandled.

See, you are a male chauvinist. You belong to the class of people who encourage women to endure domestic violence until they end up in a coffin.

Tueh!

hopeforcharles:

This same method of thinking will sink a home instead of mending it,
A way to win a person especially your superiors is to overlook some things except you are no more interested but if you are u should be the one to use a tact and win him back.
The man in question can divorce her and still marry more wives if he likes,
And you women tends to forget that he is the one that married you. You shouldnt and can't and will not be the same with him.

Who raised all these men that have littered the society tori olorun!
I hope you would dish this same advice to your daughter when her husband pulls out her hair from her scalp!

I hope your advice holds water when your sister's husband violates and abuses her sanity!

I hope you don't twitch your mouth then and scream 'blue murder'

Dear Op, I hope you have your own money, because the tone from your narration reeks of dependency from the crumbs that falls off that psychopath`s table!

If you do, prepare yourself to leave that psychiatric home you call marriage!

You're few yards away from RIP if you continue to 'endure', suffer, smile and keep up appearances!.

"What will people say"... Forget the society, nobody cares about you!

Peace!

yettymuse:
Dear Op, I hope you have your own money, because the tone from your narration reeks of dependency from the crumbs that falls off that psychopath`s table!

If you do, prepare yourself to leave that psychiatric home you call marriage!

You're few yards away from RIP if you continue to 'endure', suffer, smile and keep up appearances!.

"What will people say"... Forget the society, nobody cares about you!

Peace!

Nigerians, una sabi name names o. You don already dey call the man psychopath even without knowing anything about him save few lines from the wife. You already concluded that a marriage she has been in for 11years a now psychiatric home. Na wa for una o.

Back to the topic, when there is an issue like this, usually the blame is enough to go round. I believe all that you have said. I also believe there is more you have not said. If the first time he laid hands on you was 3 years ago (8 years into the marriage) and then this recent incident there must have been specific trigger points. It maybe the timing of the issues, working related added stress or influence of new friends.

The fact that you accused him of infidelity and he reacted in such manner does not mean he is guilty. He might actually be Fighting in his mind to stay faithful to you in the face if the temptation presented by the other woman and you are there accusing him of infidelity. I am not supporting him, I am just trying to give another perspective in which case he might react the same way. Let me say again, I don't support domestic violence. Let me also say that even if he is cheating, confrontation/ force /abuses is not the way to make him stop.

As for this recent incident, I feel sorry about what you have been through. I don't think there should be any reason for him to lay his hands on you, but in retrospect I feel you could have prevented it from escalating to the level of physical abuse. I mean this is a man you have been married to for 11 years you should by now know a couple of things about him. As for the malice, I personally feel it is immature for adults to keep malice for any period more than 24 hours. And, there is nothing wrong with being the one to break the ice and initiate the 'talk' it only shows that you are more mature - at least in this situation. However, you must take concrete steps to stop the physical abuse. Look for someone who he respects and can call him to order and get him/her involved. It has to stop.

My dear, marriage is the truest test on one's character. It is the only place where you have to live with each other's imperfections and make the best out of each other. I don't believe he or the marriage is beyond redemption but it depends on your willingness to take the necessary steps.

my advice for u protesting women.1. keeping malice makes intimacy less stronger 2. ur husband will soon start enjoying the company of other women an before u know his use to it an cant stop. 3. if ur first move will bring joy to ur home an u refuse to make it, then u are on ur own. tank u

A man beats you to pulp and pull out your hair YET you are concerned about malice?

Madam I must be Mrs by fire by force.
Go and kneel down, apologise to your god.
One dunce up there say he is your superior, so do as he says since both of you have the same two brain cells.


The only thing I will advise you to do is to tell your close family person about your Nairaland account and also password.
So when the man finally kills you, they can update us.

I promise to drop my condolences on the thread.

Tueh!

You are showing your children that this kind of marriage is normal, if care is not taken your daughters will grow up to continue being door mats, and your sons wife beaters.
Continue, you actually know you don’t need advise.

That’s is how a school mate at university never saw anything wrong with her boyfriend beating her unconscious on a regular.
She kept saying couples fight, after all her dad does same to her mum and they are still together.