How would I forgive my extended family members?


Dear Taiwo,

I need your help and those of your readers to get my problems solved. I am an ardent reader of your page and I love the way you help people profer solutions to their problems.

I am the fourth of six children. I lost my father when I was barely four years and my mother, God bless her soul, was the one that struggled to make ends meet and brought us up with the petty trade she was engaged in.

I got married to an educated man; a man who was determined to reach the highest level in his career and because of that, he truly achieved his dreams and God blessed him greatly. Although things were not rosy at the beginning, we endured all the hardship together. My qualification was a Higher National Diploma certificate and I was contented with it.

Because of this, I could say I am the only one who excelled among my siblings; apart from my elder sister who had National Certificate in Education (NCE), the others actually stopped at the secondary level. You would have expected my siblings to be envious of my success, but they were not.

They simply unburdened their whole problems on me; Itook responsibilities of their needs, I couldn't resist assisting them because I actually had enough. I didn't complain anyway.

My siblings started bringing their children to me to train and at a time, I had two of my nephews with me. That time, I already had two children; a boy and girl.

I trained my nephews alongside my children and everything was going on well; I had no reasons to complain about anything. This, however, did not stop my brothers and sisters from popping in at one time or the other to ask for assistance. I did all I could with my husband's help; he was really supportive and understanding and never raised an eyebrow concerning my actions.

Some years later, I had two other girls and I decided to stop having children. My two nephews had completed their secondary education and left, but others came and I still accommodated and trained them.

It was the time my two eldest children went to secondary school and I couldn't just explain the stress I went through in training all of my siblings at the same time, but I didn't give up.

In short, I trained many of my nieces and nephews. There were challenges because most of them were really tough, adamant to corrections and strongheaded, but I still ensured they had their secondary education.

My husband also assisted too, he obtained admission for those of them that were ready to proceed with their education and some, he even financed personally. I was so grateful to my husband for his support and that was why I did not tell him all I discovered later; knowing it would break his heart and he might threathen to withdraw his support from my nephew who is at present with us.

Although I would never regret that I helped my brothers and sisters, but what their children did to my daughters would always linger in my memory.

What I would however regret was the fact that I was so carried away with the training of these children that I forgot to give my female children sex education. Also, I never even envisaged that such a thing would ever happened between my children and siblings'.

I have heard about sexual abuse, but I never dreamt that it was happening under my nostrils. My daughters were actually sexually harrassed by my nephews without my knowledge! How would I ever forgive these nephews of mine and myself about this?

Taiwo, I only learnt about this when my children were fully grown and they barred their minds to me about my nephews.You know how timid children could be especially when they are not properly educated about sex; they refused to tell anyone and my youngest daughter especially bore the guilt and hated anyone that came around; even as they grew up, it took them time to tell me about their experiences. When they shared with me how they were molested, I burst out and cried and I wondered how I was so carried away.

Currently, I still have one of my nephews with me, even though he is younger than all my children, I feel terrible and sometimes, I overeact to him because of what my children had experienced. Why did these children repay my act of kindness with ingratitude and deprived my daughters of their virginity so early in life?

I feel guilty for my daughters' woes and I am becoming reluctant to accept any of my extended family members to live with me especially now that my children are of age. My last child is getting married soon and I might need someone around, I still feel terrible and think I have failed as a mother.

As I said earlier, my husband is yet to be briefed about this and I don't even intend to tell him anything about it because he would blame me. It wasn't as if his family members didn't need his help or wanted to live with us too, but he never burdened us with any of them.

My advice to parents however, is that they should always be cautious about their female children. It is important parents especially mothers, teach their wards sex education on time so as not to go through harrowing experience that I am facing now.

As for me, I don't know what to do. Should I tell my husband and get relieved from this burden or should I just keep the guilt to myself? How would I henceforth treat my extended family members again?Please, advise me.

Titiola, Abuja.

Culled from Nigerian Tribune
September 16th, 2010.

How could people be so mean after rendering help to them makes me wonder. Take heart, you did nothing wrong by helping them out the only thing you did wrong was not educating your girls on sex education. If I were you I would have rendered such help from far that is give them money and not them living with me. Your daughters need help too. And yes you have to tell your husband cos you can't keep such guilt in your heart forever its left for your husband to take any decision about your extended family members and you have to stand with him on such decisions.

Some people can be so mean, the nephews who did this to your daughters could be confronted by you and your husband and if he still provides their needs, I believe he should stop.

Do take heart

When people say, never let extended family into your home , it may sound selfish but now I think I understand what they are trying to say.

I am at a loss. But I think her husband should be told.

This is truly horrible. I feel so sad.

Her feeling reluctant is justified and she should never let them stay with her again.

IyaBasira:

When people say, never let extended family into your home , it may sound selfish but now I think I understand what they are trying to say.

I am at a loss. But I think her husband should be told.

This is truly horrible. I feel so sad.

Her feeling reluctant is justified and she should never let them stay with her again.

.

Don't u think u are likely to be seen as a very BAD wife who has come to destroy the family?

Hmmm. . this story was probably culled from a newspaper/magazine.

Some secrets are worth taking to the grave and I think this is one of them.

i haven't read the whole post but i get the gist as its just too common, personally to make sure this sort of thing doesn't happen i don't care if people call me a bad wife no male member of either family is staying in my house if i have a daughter. why take the chance?

this is just too common, its kept very secret but too common.

i really feel for this women and the girls in question,

semid4lyfe:

Hmmm. . this story was probably culled from a newspaper/magazine.

Some secrets are worth taking to the grave and I think this is one of them.

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Yes, from Nigerian Tribune.
I have contacted the Editor and advised that she calls the lady to check Nairaland for this topic under family.
Am sure she will find some pieces of advise here very useful.

oisehumen:

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Yes, from Nigerian Tribune.
I have contacted the Editor and advised that she calls the lady to check Nairaland for this topic under family.
Am sure she will find some pieces of advise here very useful.

Thats nice of you. . .you should have indicated the story was culled from the Nigerian Tribune from the start.

Anyhow sha, if na me be the wife, I nor go tell my hussie. . .lai lai

@Semid 4lyfe.

I quoted where i culled the piece from.
Maybe u did not read the whole story, is there at the end of the it.

Thanks.

I suggest she should tell her husband
to lessen the burden shes  feeling (a secret shared )
thank God none of those girls got pregnant ,abortions and all it wouldve been double sad!
the woman shouldnt feel guilty though its easier said than done
she just needs to forgive herself since she feels she has failed as a mom,
forgive  the boys and pray for her daughters
so that they dont carry the baggage of abuse into their marriages

this happened in my family.she should share it with her hubby at that stage of life hormones control those young men.its a painful and embarrassing thing.
she needs to forgive and half the burden they were his kids too.

Why was she raising everybody's children. They keep having more and you keep taking them and raising them. Why will they not keep procreating. This might sound mean but I don't feel sorry for the woman. Too bad for hr daughters that their parents did not take care of their responsibilities. I am sure they will do better with their own children

oisehumen:

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Don't u think u are likely to be seen as a very BAD wife who has come to destroy the family?

Under these circumstances, I don't care what they say about me as from that moment on. Besides, whose family am I destroying? Its not the husbands family she was looking after. It was her OWN extended family. That is what makes it worse.

Yeah, u are right though.
I snot easy abeg