@Poster,

In, my opinion, may be you are being haunted by your in-laws' disapproval of your marriage. Come to think of it, in a normal traditiona African setting, they dont need to go too far to put your marriage in disarray like this, especially if their son means a lot to them. Sounds too superstitious? Just a possibility.

However, I see hope if you can humble yourself before them, bring them to your side with exceptional good manners and EFFECTUAL, VIOLENT AND PREVAILING PRAYERS.

God can fix it for you if you are ready to pay the price. Please note, it takes more effort to sustain a home that to find someone to marry. Its you homee, its your destiny, its your integrity. Stand your ground and defend it. Yes you can.

It is well with you.

1st question i would like to ask is 'are you a nag?',2nd is do u know your husband's medical history?sometimes a woman's nagging and trouble finding ways drives a man away from home and also he might not be that mentally ok therefore the violence.
Having said all that,i don't think your hubby is matured enough for marriage cos i don't see any reason why running away from home for 5days is the answer to any squabbles.

If you are that nice as you claim why is he acting funny.

I don't think you are being sincere here.

If your husband is so busy with his own life that he could care less about yours or spending time with you then why aren't you looking for a life of your own? What a man can do a woman can do better. If he's ignoring you and refusing to eat your food then start ignoring him and stop cooking for two. Take on more responsibilities at work, spend time with your friends, do things that will occupy your time. When he's ready to change or sensible enough to care he will recognize that you've stopped bothering yourself with his whereabouts and then will probably wanna talk to you about it and maybe even tell you what he thinks about the marriage. Seriously, some women just enjoy taking a lot of bull55it from men when they don't have to. There is no mutual love in that marriage and your love alone cannot sustain the marriage. So, you need to start planning a life without him in it and safe your life.
His parents didn't approve of your union? Hmmm that was definetely a sign on the wall. And I'm sure his parents are in support of what he's doing to you. They probably already have another woman for him to marry.

@ Poster -
In situations of conflict, there is usually more to the situation than any one party is willing to, or able to, disclose. However, irrespective of the particulars of your situation, and without any attempt at assigning blame, certain facts hold true:

1. NOTHING justifies spousal abuse. If you do not find a practical way to put a stop to this, you may lose your life, or be maimed. One practical strategy that I have seen work for friends is get your brothers or male relatives to go jack him up (not necessary to beat him, just a SERIOUS warning). The serious threat of violent retribution is usually sufficient to deter even the worst spouse beaters. I do not recommend this, but another friend awakened her hubby at night with a long, sharp knife to his throat, and another smaller, just as sharp knife to his precious jewels, and reminded him how easy it would have been to end it all.
2. Do not feel compelled to reveal any more intimate details of your life in this forum, nothing you say will be sufficient. It will still be a one-sided story and some gossip hungry folks here will still ask for more!
3. Every man, woman and child is, in the final analysis, responsible for their own actions. With or without external stimuli or provocation, your husband has made a decision to act in this manner that is hurtful and dangerous to say the least. It is his decision, not yours.
4. Seek the help of a marriage counsellor. Objective, practical, religious based counselling usually works wonders, but only where both parties are willing and ready. Please note the use of the word "practical". Most religious counselors simply quote passages reminding you of your shortcomings, and never address the underlying cause of conflict. Do not rely on the help of family - family members are usually biased, and one or both parties would feel like they are not being heard, and feel even more frustrated and bitter.
5. I seriously recommend that you do not have sexual intercourse with him until such a time as you BOTH get tested for STD's. While our mothers may have suffered in silence through infidelity and abuse, diseases today require more concerted effort than a simple shot of penicillin. Do not open yourself up to life ending diseases. I know folks on this forum will remind you that you will 'force' him to cheat by so doing, but remember, he is probably doing so already and of his own volition. At least stay safe while you search for help.
6. Not sure where you are located, but please get the help of the Project Alert on Violence Against Women:
CONTACT

Project Alert on Violence Against Women (PROJECT ALERT)
Address:                                 21, Akinsanya Street
                                               Off Isheri Road, Taiwo Bus stop (Behind FRSC)
                                               Ojodu - Berger
                                               P.O.Box 15456, Ikeja
                                               Lagos, Nigeria

Telephone/E-mail:      234-1-4737270; 08033047711
                                               projectalert@projectalertnig.org
                                               josephine@projectalertnig.org

Poster, it is sweet to hear ur own view, what about ur own reaction, a wrong hard challenge to get the truth of any thing suspected of ur husband can regenerated untill the marriage CRASHED, WATCH ur approach, action and reaction, how neat u are not only to ur wears but to ur apartment, do u procrastinate?, how do treat him when ever he is around? do u find out what he really like?, hope u don't keep unwarranted secret that might ve been seen?. how do u treat ur in-laws?etc. Pls, think of all these things. get closer to GOD keenly and with ur heart not to be running 4 solution from prophets, pastors, Alhajis/Imam for the devil want to reside where ever there is sweetness to get it bitter AS IT WAS DESCRIBED THAT, HE CAME 2 STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY. Your destiny is in ur hands, u can re-write ur stories for better good luck, don't publicise urself, there is always a way out. One yr marriage is too Terrible 4 this type of story

myhome10:

south-south region.  since he doesnt discuss issues wit me as they arise, it gets to a pt whr he explodes, & dat normally results in him beating me, squeezing my neck, bruises evywhr. hhhmmmmmmmm, i pray God gives me the strenght to hang on here all the way.

Look, there is really nothing to talk about.

If a man is constantly beating you or squeezing your neck, get the fck out of the relationship. No man meant for you should be beating you because he is angry.

Don't waste your time with garbage like speaking to elders, calling family meetings etc.

Someone using you as punching bag is a NO NO!!!

No discussion, no bargaining, no pleading, no negotiating once it has happened more than once. GET OUT OF IT! HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOU OR HE IS JUST NOT MENTALLY BALANCED.

I repeat, no discussion, no bargaining, no pleading, no negotiating.

Sagamite:

Look, there is really nothing to talk about.

If a man is constantly beating you or squeezing your neck, get the fck out of the relationship. No man meant for you should be beating you because he is angry.

Don't waste your time with garbage like speaking to elders, calling family meetings etc.

Someone using you as punching bag is a NO NO!!!

No discussion, no bargaining, no pleading, no negotiating once it has happened more than once. GET OUT OF IT! HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AND RESPECT YOU OR HE IS JUST NOT MENTALLY BALANCED.

I repeat, no discussion, no bargaining, no pleading, no negotiating.

Just listen to yourself, If it were your sister, would you advice her to quit her marriage? what about the marriage vows?
I expect you to try and profer solutions here, not this kind of advise.

samoks:


Just listen to yourself,  If it were your sister, would you advice her to quit her marriage? what about the marriage vows?
I expect you to try and profer solutions here, not this kind of advise.

Explain to me? What stewpid marriage vows?

It says beat her and strangle her neck?

I just provided a sound and solid solution.

But please do entertain me with this amazing marriage vow perspective.

Simple,take it to God and seek advice from ur pastor

oluomo555:

Just table the matter to God in prayers and be [b]patient [/b]for God to intervene. be careful about those you report the issue to and dont take any advice that will lead to total breakdown of the marriage. Just take it cool and as the last poster said check yourself very well

avwerosuoo:

Dear, I can understand how you feel. The only solution to your problem is God. Seek him and make sure you hear from him.
I had a similar case but not as bad as yours, my solution came when i told God to change me to change him,  and we are as happy as ever that my husband confessed telling me that I have changed. it wasn't by my power but by God's grace and mercy.
Seek God's face and you will be smiling soon.
Anytime you want to talk to him, pray and you wld see results.


God bless you.

bayodaniel:

Simple,take it to God and seek advice from your pastor

Hallelujah!!!

Amen!!!

Ogo, ogo, ogo fo luwa!!! 

Problem solved, get your tithe out. Na 60% for this hard one o.

I do not care what grounds a man has got . . There's nothing sufficient to lay your hands on a woman.
A man who lays his hands on a woman immediately surrenders his justification in any marital issue whatsoever.

People may ask you to stay and endure. . for they know this person and that person that did and are now enoying their marriages.
What they don't tell you is perhaps an equal number of helpless women who have listened to archaic advises of "stay and endure" and then have ended up maimed or killed. How can you tell how it is going to turn out for you?

If a man beats you once, he will never stop. We've heard of women beaters in 5 years of marriage. . but in the first year? Lady, check out before it's late.

Whether she nags, shouts, steals, cheats, name it. . . There is no reason to beat a woman. I don't care if the story is one-sided. Worse case, you tell her it's over. If you love a woman, there's nothing she does you can't forgive . . . when you beat her, you surrender your justification.


Simple.

aliali:

it is imperative for the Poster to clarify:-

1) How they met and what the attraction was?

2) Why his parents objected to the marriage

3) was the marriage celebrated under a shortgun (compulsion)

4) who are the man's friends? Is he a loner or are his friends 'men about town'

information on the above could give clue to why your man is behaving in such irresponsible and irrational manner

True questions.
Did you wretch him from another woman, who might be (demon) working behind the scene?
Was there a proper traditional & church wedding rites?.
Hope you too did not at any time seek native Baba's assistance to have the man marry you?

If your responses to the above questions are honestly negative and you are a Christian, then you have to start now to seek the face of God in your marriage.
May God lead you to genuine people of God for Prayers that will move mountains.  Here you have to be very patient & humble to win his heart back.

But if you and that man are just living together without proper marriage rites, I will advice you go back to your family while you are still alive, because if that man strangles you to death, be sure you sick dad will follow you shortly.

If wat the poster wrote is the whole truth, i really don't get y she shouldn't leave.

The guy is obviously beating her becos he can. If his boss or a colleague annoys him at work will he beat him n grab his throat? Y shld u now do it to some1 u promised to love and cherish. There is no room for violence in love and marriage.  And you must not be married to be happy.

You only live once so live your best life.

he squeezes your neck? You're joking right? Leave him quickly. This one na real bad market.

livin:

If wat the poster wrote is the whole truth, i really don't get y she shouldn't leave.

The guy is obviously beating her becos he can. If his boss or a colleague annoys him at work will he beat him n grab his throat? Y shld u now do it to some1 u promised to love and cherish. There is no room for violence in love and marriage.  And you must not be married to be happy.

You only live once so live your best life.

GBAM!!!

But someone is about to educate me on Marriage vows. I am waiting.

It doesnt matter what she has or hasnt done. He does NOT have any right to beat her!! Only after a year suggests you knew this about him poster before you married him. My God is she a dog or a human, never an excuse to beat your wife. No excuses!!! Run as fast as you can and please i beg you to not bring an innocent child into this mess and abuse. Its only a year so you have not lost a lot of time. Obviously he gave up before it started. It takes two to fix this not one.

billybaby:

@ The Poster, there is nothing like impossibility at the sight of God but that is only on one condition, that your hands are clean both before and while on the marriage. Your hands being clean in the sense that you did not use charm or something to hypnotize this man into agreeing to marry you in the first place. Check yourself all round and when you found out you have a clean mind and a clean hand, then go on your knees.  But if there is a fowl play before the marriage either by you or by any of your parents, I tell you, the marriage can't know any peace. I have a neighbor with such a problem and until she was exposed by a man of God, she could not get to tell us how she made the marriage a possibility in the first place( with charm, she made this man married her) but the marriage lasted for just a year, six month and today, the man in question  is married to another lady living peacefully with her to everyone's utmost surprise. So my sister, if you are clean, be rest assured that all you need to revamp your dying marriage is just prayer and nothing but prayers. Good luck.

Stark illiteracy! [shakes head]

@poster,in as much as you've tried to paint ur husband as a monster,i find it very difficult to believe ur story of misery n pity.ur post is lopsided to ur advantage n seem to want to stir up emotions in the house.
The truth be told,you seem to avoid the obvious since ur story is one sided and d possibility of bringing ur hubby to the house is not certain,fear GOD,tell the house what you've done,because for you to still be with him despite all the assault.something must be terribly wrong.you didn't put a single fault or blame to your self,PLEASE TELL THE TRUTH.

@myhome10,

Really sorry to hear that less than 1 yr into marriage you guys are having troubles like this, but take it easy, all might not be lost.

Some of the things you need to know are

1: Marriage is not something you can walk away from that easyly. I always advise people to see that as the the last resort. Infact if you are a christian, the bible cautions against it, except were there has been maritial unfaithfulness (Proven)

2: Marriage is not easy. It requires a lot of investment in time and effort. I often argue that if one leaves, you are not sure you will get a better deal at the other end, so stick it out. there are always benefits for fighting hard for your marriage.

3: Be careful what advise you listen to. find a trusted family member or friend, probably one wih a long standing marriage as seek constructive advice.
Now if you ask me, I would say, stop probing for now. Just him come back home first. Don’t trouble him, make sure his food is ready and the home is in a good state, you carry on as usual (I know it would be difficult). Give it some time, when the dust has settled, probably a month or 2 down the line, you can then open up to him.

There is no point in second guessing what the problem is. It could be a multitude of things. But one thing is certain, Please pray and keep your part of your marriage commitment. God is faithful and will reveal all when the time is right, especially when you have not done wrong. I know he will restore your marriage especially if he thinks it is the best for you.

Remember, there are challenges is every marriage, the best marriages are those which have stood the test of time.

@ itsmyeila

Why did your brothers not tell you before you married your ex-wife. In your situation you own brothers were not looking out for you

monkeyleg:

@myhome10,

Really sorry to hear that less than 1 yr into marriage you guys are having troubles like this, but take it easy, all might not be lost.

Some of the things you need to know are

1: Marriage is not something you can walk away from that easyly. I always advise people to see that as the the last resort. Infact if you are a christian, the bible cautions against it, except were there has been maritial unfaithfulness (Proven)

2: Marriage is not easy. It requires a lot of investment in time and effort. I often argue that if one leaves, you are not sure you will get a better deal at the other end, so stick it out. there are always benefits for fighting hard for your marriage.

3: Be careful what advise you listen to. find a trusted family member or friend, probably one wih a long standing marriage as seek constructive advice.
Now if you ask me, I would say, stop probing for now. Just him come back home first. Don’t trouble him, make sure his food is ready and the home is in a good state, you carry on as usual (I know it would be difficult). Give it some time, when the dust has settled, probably a month or 2 down the line, you can then open up to him.

There is no point in second guessing what the problem is. It could be a multitude of things. But one thing is certain, Please pray and keep your part of your marriage commitment. God is faithful and will reveal all when the time is right, especially when you have not done wrong. I know he will restore your marriage especially if he thinks it is the best for you.

Remember, there are challenges is every marriage, the best marriages are those which have stood the test of time.

This is the best advice only if he doesn't beat her. Will you ask your daughter to wait out a union that's barely a year old and already has her running for her life. The fact that she "may" not find something better is no reason for her to "stick with this". .

People will scare you into thinking there is nothing good out there. . but you already know this is bad. Yes it may turn out good but you may never live through it to know.

If you are not man enough to tell your wife she's done something bad, then you are not fit to be a man. Stop preaching for women to wait in marriages. Preach for men to love, respect, tolerate and forgive their wives if they've done something wrong.

After all "for better for worse" does not apply to women only.

nateevs:





This is the best advice only if he doesn't beat her. Will you ask your daughter to wait out a union that's barely a year old and already has her running for her life. The fact that she "may" not find something better is no reason for her to "stick with this". .

People will scare you into thinking there is nothing good out there. . but you already know this is bad. Yes it may turn out good but you may never live through it to know.

If you are not man enough to tell your wife she's done something bad, then you are not fit to be a man. Stop preaching for women to wait in marriages. Preach for men to love, respect, tolerate and forgive their wives if they've done something wrong.

After all "for better for worse" does not apply to women only.

Love your comment.!!! Very well said!! Also, I dont believe for one minute that God (if she is a believer) would want her in an abusive marriage. Thats not Him at all!!!

Where is the poster?I wish she'l come back and clear these issues raised.

when will Nigerian men ever stop battering their wives?!!!! Even when the wife is very good. What a shame. Dem no go go find their mate wey be men to beat for outside o. Na to come dey show power for house!!! But wife dem, make una try dey talk small small to una husband dem. sometimes these things can really provoke somebody and you must try to know what your husband is like, how his temper is, what provokes him and the like. (Though am not saying its a reason to beat up a woman, but just be careful. Enjoy your marriage, life is too short!!!)

monkeyleg:

1: Marriage is not something you can walk away from that easyly. I always advise people to see that as the the last resort. Infact if you are a christian, the bible cautions against it, except were there has been maritial unfaithfulness (Proven)

Abeg can some Xtians educate me.

I am flabberwhelmed and Overghasted.

The Bible advises women to leave a marriage if a man is unfaithful but to fight for the marriage as best as they can if the man is thumping and strangling them?

Please Xtians educate me.

Tink_sh:

It doesnt matter what she has or hasnt done. He does NOT have any right to beat her!!

nateevs:

This is the best advice only if he doesn't beat her. Will you ask your daughter to wait out a union that's barely a year old and already has her running for her life. The fact that she "may" not find something better is no reason for her to "stick with this". .

GBAM!!!

nateevs:

If you are not man enough to tell your wife she's done something bad, then you are not fit to be a man. Stop preaching for women to wait in marriages. Preach for men to love, respect, tolerate and forgive their wives if they've done something wrong.

I disagree with this.

I have seen some women it is not even worth discussing what they have done wrong with.

They are completely pig-headed, argumentative and defiant. They will turn the discussion to all about themselves instead of understanding what they have done wrong. They will be looking for anything from the past, no matter how trivial or small in comparison to their current error, to use as weapon of them be "wronged" too. Or they will justify all their thrash behaviours with "that is the way women are".

They have a foul attitude and are disgusting to be around.

This is why I have only condemned his violence towards her, that is inexcusable. I will not condemn his leaving of the house until I know her own character and attitude. He is free to not want to be around someone and that does not make him less of, or not fit to be, a man.

No one owns him.

Sagamite:

I disagree with this.

I have seen some women it is not even worth discussing what they have done wrong with.

They are completely pig-headed, argumentative and defiant. They will turn the discussion to all about themselves instead of understanding what they have done wrong. They will be looking for anything from the past, no matter how trivial or small in comparison to their current error, to use as weapon of them be "wronged". Or they will justify all their thrash behaviours with "that is the way women are".

They have a foul attitude and are disgusting to be around.

This is why I have only condemned his violence towards her, that is inexcusable. I will not condemn his leaving of the house until I know her own character and attitude. He is free to not want to be around someone and that does not make him less of, or not fit to be, a man.

No one owns him.

Exactly what I meant. Men always have a reason not to forgive women.
If this man was not beating her, every post will be asking her to wait it out but a man is not supposed to.

You just have to take into consideration all the advice already given.
Dont make the mistake that many people make by just merely saying "God will help us", while there is no work done on their side.

Marriage is a HARD WORK, but you must agree and be of one mind in order to succeed.

lactemps:

Dont make the mistake that many people make by just merely saying "God will help us", while there is no work done on their side.

HOLY FIIIIIIIRRRE!!!

Shapakotopotokoto, shagidigidigidigidigidi, phi, pho, shimaaaaaaaaaaanda

DEVIL GOOOOOOOOOO, DEVIL GOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Now all your problems are solved.

Where is your tithe? 

Amazing!!! . . . . . .and fffing irritating!!!

All this pray pray people sef.

How do you know she isn't praying.

How long should she wear out her knees waiting for a response? When she is dead or before?? I know people who have stuck out 20+ years in miserable marriages and have knee problems sef and crying themselves hoarse. Should they still be waiting if someone doesn't want to change

at poster. Life is short and if you have more potential elsewhere, take it. I'm the last person to say that you shouldn't work at your marriage or should carry leg the first time wahala lands. BUT if it's a case of your life, run away. NOTHING is worth that. NOTHING. I have a family friend who had the same issue, man out all hours, stumbling back home drunk every night, EVEN with a girl in his arms in FRONT of her, beating her if she dared complain. The kids couldn't bear it. She left him and is much happier and successful. So life in a miserable marriage or independence and (relative) happiness. You choose.