Sorry if am doing something wrong by posting here. It's my first post on Nairaland as I just joined the forum today although I have been reading post on this forum, so once more, pardon my naivity.
I recently discovered that my wife of 4 years saved her ex's number with another name.  This sounds like cheating to me and all hell is going to let loose when i get home later next week. I 've been brooding over it and to think that we dated for 4yrs before marriage is more thought provoking.

Come on dont get scared, no one is pulling away your wife from you. And please dont cause problems in your home. may be is just for hello, despite he is her EX just for formality.

Sure, nobody culd pull my wife from me, I rather will push her away to whoever wants her if she's cheating and yes, before then, am gonna Zap everybody I can lay ma hands on including her sistas and relations just to get even.

@ Afia, please thread cautiously, its difficult to repairs things after collateral damage has been done. It might just be your imagination over assuming things. It may be wise for you to discuss your discovery with her first then you will have all the information you need to make the right decision.

Poster, please thread with care. Seat your wife down & discuss the issue with her. If she is actually saving her ex's no. with another name, talk to her & resolve the matter amicably. Going to war without discussing the matter will only create unnecessary problems for your marriage, especially if you have kids. All the best.

I politely asked her whose number it was and she feigned ignorance untill I pointed it out to her that I know exactly whose number it was. At this point she said she just didn't want issues and that's why she saved it that way. The truth is; I feel betrayed, so she's been keeping touch with this guy all these years? I asked how many more coded numbers were still there and expectedly she said none. I will get to the bottom but one thing is sure; no more trust again and I really feel like a fool. Am just considering my kids otherwise I would kick out soon as I can establish that she's been cheating.

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Na waooh, it has become a problem to keep contact with ex? why are some people jalouse about this ex thin.
I no see anything wrong in keeping contact oo, as long as nothing is attached.

I need some clarity on the whole thing, what do you mean her ex, boyfriend or husband. I do not think however that she's completely hornest in this relationship, that's a fact,I want to know which EX, there's a difference and if you want to win this, show some maturity and with caution,

plappville:

Na waooh, it has become a problem to keep contact with ex? why are some people jalouse about this ex thin.
I no see anything wrong in keeping contact oo, as long as nothing is attached.

Sure, nothing wrong in keeping an ex contact but it should not be hidden. That alone brings another dimension to it.
I had lots of them but I donot have their contacts after all these years and if i needed to keep their contact I will promptly save the numbers with their real names.
The issue here is deceit. I have seen her receive calls from that name before and imagine yelling out; oh so and so while in actual fact she's talking to her ex, that is what I find deceitful. She can go and Bleep the guy for all I care but she has to leave my house first, that way, nobody's ox will be gored.

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I'm very sensitive about this kind of things, Why keeping her ex numbers? you don't keep such number for nothing. I believe very strongly that she still have a feeling for the ex, Don't forget, this's the guy who has done all kinds of sexual things with her. If she's real, it should have been over when marry. I know this guys and I have some of them in my office, bleeping married women, There's no need for her to keep such number, Who're you fooling, not me?

Poster, you have every right to be angry. However, you have to be calm to handle this matter maturedly so you dont regret your actions. Your kids need you &their mother to live a normal & happy life. Talk to your wife & iron out this problem. You can both solve this matter peacefully without a third party. Do this to save your marriage & protect your kids.

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@ all thanks for ur advice on remaining calm. I do know that whatever is done in anger is never done well so am gratefull that am not home right now. I believe I will handle things well when I get home meantime I just can't seem to contain the feeling of betrayal and embarrasment should she have cheated. Now am just piecing the jigsaw and playing back everything I 've seen and heard in the past. I wonder what being a divorcee @ less than 40yrs would look like but it appears that am heading toward it now. I can't stand a cheat for 1 fucking second and to think that my wife has been the one on my neck pointing fingers where there was NOTHING, drives me nut. Now I know it was probabbly to divert attention, how smart.

@post. . . Why is that women are the ones who bicker the most about the importance of "love and trust" in relationships and when these two factors are in place, they are usually the first to break them. Face the truth, guys who get cheated on the most via their wives are generally the "good,caring,understanding,sensitive,loving and trusting" kinda guys who feel "secure" and confident that they have "good wives". I am also dead sick of the usual "sit her down,hold her hand and talk to her" solutions that are hallmark in this section of nairaland. Even when the woman sleeps with the gateman, the driver, the meat seller in the market and gets pregnant for strange men, they will still tell the poor poster to "hold her hand,sit her down and find out what the problem is". No wonder more and more younger men are going to their early graves from bottling up all kinds of nonsense all in a bid to appear a genuine 21st century "secure" specimen. Oga poster, follow your instincts (not impulse) with stealth. You don't need anyone on nairaland 2 tell u something is fishy. She hid the identity of the ex, answers his calls in ur presense while pretending its someone else and obviously denying it till u showed her proof. Even a slowpoke will know something doesnt feel right. I see women like these all the time. . .sleeping with their exes in hotel suites while their husbands remain "secure" at home. Forget what these nairaland women are saying. Deciet is the second meaning of woman and manipulation is their life blood. They all know themselves,the truth and will defend their interests even when the thief is caught with hands dripping with red oil. Dont delude yourself. Follow your instincts. They never fail.

Whatever at what harakiri said. @ original poster do not jump to conclusions. You seem angry and maybe she thought she would get this reaction from you so she used a fake name. Did you guys agree that there will no communications with the exes or is this particular one just a big deal. You need to find out why she felt the need to be sneaky about it not approach it the way she expects you to approach it. Which in my opinion is in anger. I can tell though that you have already made up your mind because you are already talking about screwing this and that. In fact before you even confront her with it you need to purge this line of thinking out of your head because you will not get the desired answers if you come to her with this idea you have that she is stepping out on you

I will speak from experience. Soon after we got married, I found out that my husband was secretly in touch with his ex girlfriend. I always wondered who would call and hang up when I answered the phone. Mind you, she was living in another State while we were in another. Finally I confronted him and he fessed up to it and admitted that yes he had been talking with her but only on a platonic level. I wanted to believe him so bad but when I remember how she would hang up when I answer, I decided to investigate further so i recorded some of their conversations (in the US u can easily buy these little mics and install them in ur phone). Needless to say, i got the scoop. That fat cow was actually trying to get my husband back. Always reminding him what fun they used to have or how she missed him or how she wanted him to visit. And my husband will be there acting like a mumu saying "but u know I'm married" "don't say that" "well u ended the relationship" and so on.
I confronted him again with my evidence and told him that if he wanted this marriage he should cease all communication with this jezebel. i was mad as hell, this is a man that flipped when my ex boyfriend all the way in nigeria got my # from my sister and called to wish me well. My hubby was like "who the "f" is that"? "what the "f" is he calling u for", and here he was have a suggestive tet a tet with this big black gorilla. yes, when i think of this, it still makes my blood boil.
the last thing I did was call that husband snatcher and cuss her out.
So, @ poster, do ur investigation first before u act!

This is pure deception and we all know what follows, my guy shine your eyes properly.

pslm23:

I will speak from experience. Soon after we got married, I found out that my husband was secretly in touch with his ex girlfriend. I always wondered who would call and hang up when I answered the phone. Mind you, she was living in another State while we were in another. Finally I confronted him and he fessed up to it and admitted that yes he had been talking with her but only on a platonic level. I wanted to believe him so bad but when I remember how she would hang up when I answer, I decided to investigate further so i recorded some of their conversations (in the US u can easily buy these little mics and install them in your phone). Needless to say, i got the scoop. That fat cow was actually trying to get my husband back. Always reminding him what fun they used to have or how she missed him or how she wanted him to visit. And my husband will be there acting like a mumu saying "but u know I'm married" "don't say that" "well u ended the relationship" and so on.
I confronted him again with my evidence and told him that if he wanted this marriage he should cease all communication with this jezebel. i was mad as hell, this is a man that flipped when my ex boyfriend all the way in nigeria got my # from my sister and called to wish me well. My hubby was like "who the "f" is that"? "what the "f" is he calling u for", and here he was have a suggestive tet a tet with this big black gorilla. yes, when i think of this, it still makes my blood boil.
the last thing I did was call that husband snatcher and cuss her out.
So, @ poster, do your investigation first before u act!

I don't think you even got over it. I hope you never run into her before you divide her assunder

I think she was also seeing him the same time she was dating you. I think you are probably a better marriage material or just proposed b/4 her ex. To hear low life people like Plappville who is neither married or know anything about marriage is unfortunate, that'sexactely people like that will do and that's sad. Go immediately and get a DNA test for the kids if there's one. She neither love or have any respect for the marriage. Her relationships with her ex's far from over. She knows why she married you, love is not one it, and I wish you luck

jas man:

I think she was also seeing him the same time she was dating you. I think you are probably a better marriage material or just proposed b/4 her ex. To hear low life people like Plappville who is neither married or know anything about marriage is unfortunate, that'sexactely people like that will do and that's sad. Go immediately and get a DNA test for the kids if there's one. She neither love or have any respect for the marriage. Her relationships with her ex's far from over. She knows why she married you, love is not one it, and I wish you luck

Are you serious

Na wa o. Is this what marriage is all about? Why get married if you still contact your past? My ex is married and i am not but because of the respect that i have for her marriage and her husband, i told her that i do not want any contact between the 2 of us any longer. Where there is smoke, there might be some fire. Why keep in touch with a flame from the past?

Outstrip:


I don't think you even got over it. I hope you never run into her before you divide her assunder

^^^^^,  I haven't gotten over it even though it's been almost 6 years now. Na so i for siddon close eye person come snatch my husband! Oh no! I showed both of them that even though I'm Nigerian, i have picked up some of their oyibo mentality. i have not been watching the show "Cheaters" for nothing!! 

Back to the poster ojare and his secretive wife, I honestly speaking, don't see any reason why the past can't remain in the past. If you have moved on with your life and relationship, why look back at your past? this is how trouble comes calling. Why would you want to resume or continue communicating with someone from your past who once had intimate knowledge of you? Makes absolutley no sense to me!  i know someone who had a fight with her fiance and she picked her phone and called her ex boyfriend whom she said was now "JUST A FRIEND", before you know it she was crying on his shoulder and badabing badaboom, clothes were off and they were doing it. Needless to say, that fiance is now the past while she's back with her ex.

.

@psm23

Lol, I was reading your post and believe me my heart was boiling as if it happened to me, honestly speaking, see me taking panadol for your headache ,I can really imagine what you went through then

@Poster

Calm down sir but if it happened to me God knows I am not going to calm down , oh all hell will let loose with my temper because I am going to castrate that man  .

But calm down, yes call me a hypocrite but calm down I have always been hot tempered and I thank God for my hubby who talked/and is still talking me out of it, before hmmmm once I start seeing red I honestly don't know what I am doing and I just lash out at whoever it is even if I have to slap you or break your head


Ok let me calm down here sef I have learnt from my man not to act when I am angry , he actually told me to count up to 15 take a deep breathe and walk out if i still can't stand it and when I started doing these years ago I realized after a 1minute that I would have reacted in a way that would be so uncalled for.


Don't act on anger please, your wife is wrong, seriously wrong, and to feign ignorance when you asked her? haba , why was she hiding it in the first place? seriously?

@Plappville

Why should one be in contact with the ex in the first place, the relationship is over they should both move on, I cannot even imagine my husband communicating with his ex , seriously for why kwanu?

chaircover:

no disrespect sir but with your volatile anger I can to a certain degree see why your wife feels the need to keep certain things away from you just to keep the peace.

CC it is not right, the guys temper can be as hot as boiling water but it still shouldn't make his  wife keep things like that away from him.

What sort of peace cc? peace built on lies? haba no naaaaaa they are things you just have to tell your partner before hand.

The guy is talking about screwing this and screwing that. Honestly I cannot find an ex's number on my husbands phone and start talking about screwing other people. The man needs to cool down. He has not even said that he over head a conversation or that they have been on the phone for hours at a time. It is not always what someone says that you look at. Sometimes you can read between the lines also. The woman is wrong but there is no evidence that she is cheating. if he goes and acts out now in the heat of the moment he will only be hurting himself. I personally think that he is reading too much into it. There is nothing that screams to me that the wife is cheating.

@ jenny, this topic just reminded me of those months of hell between my husband and I. Haba!   i had to take a crash course on electrical engineering (so i could bug my phones). that ex of his had her claws out big time and she was leaving no stones unturned to get her claws back into my hubby! The kind of nasty things she was saying to him would make even a dark skinned person blush! Shameless hussy! I swear black American women are dangerous and notorius for making a play for other people's boyfriends/husbands! Finding out that I wasn't American didn't help matters for her either i guess.

This issue is a serious one.
there is no reason in this world why the poster's wife should have her ex's # in her phone and to add salt to injury, she saved it under a fake name. That just screams GUILTY to me.
If the shoe was on the other foot and it was a man doing the name switch and hiding, believe u me, we women would have gone off like a volcano on that man

Lol Pslm23 calm down You know I was just going through your posts and wondering at the same time what I will do if it was my hubby listening to another slowpoke telling him how she wants to get back to him or how they had it in their time


I am not in support of the guy screwing this and that but I just think he is angry and needs to talk to his wife some more. They need to communicate , he needs to sit her down and talk, he needs to know whats going on even if he has to go behind her back and get it, seriously


And the communication part goes to you pslm23 as well, you haven't gotten over that episode of yours, you need to talk with your husband and let it all out even if you have to scream the whole house down , just let it all out

@Pslm 23.@Poster,nothing hurts like "feeling used and cheated" but u must first calm down.ur wife is 100% wrong and her actions highly suspicious.cheating or planning on cheating wud offer u temporal satisfaction and perm. regrets and frustration,hold urself together till u get back.btwn,how did u get hold of this info?if i were u,(i know im gonna be so mad and angry that i wud be flying home the very moment i got the info to confront him)i wont wait for them to "do" it all in the name of getting evidence,get home and confront her.I personally see no valid reason why a married fella wud keep and communicate with an ex someone needs to point out just 1 for me,biko.