Girl I’m full of stories with this one but I can’t talk about my actual patients because of HIPAA. It’s hard even when you’re just a temporary care giver.

this young man in his 20s working under my DH had an accident one day at work. ‘Lucky’ for him it happened at work so it was obviously ruled as work-related injury. That’s why he was able to get 100% of all the benefits he was entitled to.
Got his early retirement based on injury. That means his full retirement pay plus disability pay. Got all his medical expenses paid for.

Therapy upon therapy. Was in a skilled nursing facility for a long time before he went home with home health and outpatient physical and occupational therapy. Now he’s able to write with his hands but still wheelchair-bound. They say he will never walk again.

Their house was set up for disability access, with the necessary hand bars and ramps he needs to move in and out by himself. he of course has his motorized wheelchair and is able to move himself somewhat from location to location. He’s also starting to learn handicapped -driving now. So hopefully soon he can start driving himself places.

With all the help from professionals and the fact that the wife doesn’t really have to work for money if she doesn’t want to, she is still having a hell of a hard time. Poor child (she’s early 20s) lost so much weight and was having a legit breakdown.

Imagine doing this without any of the help/amenities I described above. I mean I know there must be people out there who do it. But I can’t even offer anything that remotely sounds like judgement to them.

Hathor5:

I helped someone in my family take care of her husband before he died. With all the support system you get abroad this was one of the biggest challenges our family has ever had to face. The wife was a shadow of her self for five years, her health deteriorating from year to year and this with all hands on deck and the best medical support you can get. She once hurt herself badly by lifting the husband to change his clothes. She spent a week in the hospital and I stayed with her husband. My uncle and wife stayed with me. It was a 24/7 job. Let me not share more details. I don't even want to go back there in my thoughts.

Hathor5:


They came up with completely unrelated stuff making it as always ideological instead of giving practical advice which could actually make a difference. And this making a difference in terms of actually helping someone in their struggles would actually align with the Christian doctrine of loving your neighbor as you love yourself but it's not about that really. They are Christians where it serves them, oblivious of it where it doesn't.

I wish I could offer advice but I have no idea which support system exists in Nigeria for people in her situation. I appreciate you calling people to the thread who have more information on that. And you are absolutely right to refrain from judgement for the simple reason that you have not walked in her shoes.

I helped someone in my family take care of her husband before he died. With all the support system you get abroad this was one of the biggest challenges our family has ever had to face. The wife was a shadow of her self for five years, her health deteriorating from year to year and this with all hands on deck and the best medical support you can get. She once hurt herself badly by lifting the husband to change his clothes. She spent a week in the hospital and I stayed with her husband. My uncle and aunt stayed with me. It was a 24/7 job. Let me not share more details. I don't even want to go back there in my thoughts.

The loudest mouths here have no idea what they are talking about. As they say, talk is cheap so let them hype themselves some more theoretically.

If your aunt could do it, what then gave you the impression that others haven't done even more?

I once left Lagos for 2 months to take care of a relative in the hospital. I left my job (business), left everything behind. Some of us also took our grandparents in for years. My grandmom couldn't even walk on her on for 2 years before she passed on. We do basically everything for her and hired a maid to assist because someone has to stay with her whenever my parents go to church, outings, market, etc. This is the reality in many homes in Nigeria. There are families with children suffering from congenital and genetic malformations, stroke, etc. There are no support systems here yet we don't see these people on the street, except the few "Northerners begging alms.." It simply means they're getting help from people like you.

Acidosis:


If your aunt could do it, what then gave you impression that others haven't done even more?

I once left Lagos for 2 months to take care of a relative in the hospital. I left my job (business), left everything behind. Some of us also took our grandparents in for years. My grandmom couldn't even walk on her on for 2 years before she passed on. We do basically everything for her and hired a maid to assist because someone has to stay with her whenever my parents go to church, outings, market, etc. This is the reality in many homes in Nigeria. There are families with children suffering from congenital malformations, stroke, etc. There are no support systems here yet we don't see the people on the street, except the few "Northerners begging alms.." It simply means they're getting help somewhere.

Your point is?

thorpido:
Long term care facilities don't exist in Nigeria.Just short term ICU stay and then the patient is discharged to be nursed at home.
There are organisations that provide skilled nursing care but they are home based.Their personnel are sent home to nurse people in their homes.

Okay like home health. That’s good to know. I wonder how expensive or affordable they are though. Thanks

miniziter:
Its already 2 years and the husband can't go to work not to talk of bringing money. He can't perform on bed and she has been the one doing the cleaning of all his mess. The most annoying thing is that the family members of the husband despite being okay financially failed to help the family. Now she planning to either stay with the man and have a cumcubine outside or leave the man outrightly. Which do you advise?
NB: They just gave to a child and she's still young. On the way, if she leaves the man, he may not see someone that will take care of him like she used to do.

Is it lack of sex that's her problem, or lack of money?

I can't make heads or tails of this.

cococandy:
Girl I’m full of stories with this one but I can’t talk about my actual patients because of HIPAA. It’s hard even when you’re just a temporary care giver.

this young man in his 20s working under my DH had an accident one day at work. ‘Lucky’ for him it happened at work so it was obviously ruled as work-related injury. That’s why he was able to get 100% of all the benefits he was entitled to.
Got his early retirement based on injury. That means his full retirement pay plus disability pay. Got all his medical expenses paid for.

Therapy upon therapy. Was in a skilled nursing facility for a long time before he went home with home health and outpatient physical and occupational therapy. Now he’s able to write with his hands but still wheelchair-bound. They say he will never walk again.

Their house was set up for disability access, with the necessary hand bars and ramps he needs to move in and out by himself. he of course has his motorized wheelchair and is able to move himself somewhat from location to location. He’s also starting to learn handicapped -driving now. So hopefully soon he can start driving himself places.

With all the help from professionals and the fact that the wife doesn’t really have to work for money if she doesn’t want to, she is still having a hell of a hard time. Poor child (she’s early 20s) lost so much weight and was having a legit breakdown.

Imagine doing this without any of the help/amenities I described above. I mean I know there must be people out there who do it. But I can’t even offer anything that remotely sounds like judgement to them.

Why would we show any empathy for her if Acidosis can stay in a hospital to look after a relative for two months?
His entire family has done this and much more. No biggie. It's easy. We should call them names for complaining IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

I just hope to have a nurse like you whenever I have to go to a hospital.
Don't want any heartless creature to attend to me. What can you expect from people who think it is ok to chop off hands if someone steals because they are hungry. I guess Jesus also taught them not to feed the hungry but mutilate them.

Unnerve:

Is it lack of sex that's her problem, or lack of money?

I can't make heads or tails of this.

both ?

Maybe if she has one, she will feel less frustrated with the other.

Hathor5:


Your point is?

My point is we shouldn't justify the woman's consideration/decision to abandon her husband. The moment you're married, you've become a family. It shouldn't matter whether extended families come to our aid or not. These same extended families will be heavily criticized when they come to claim inheritance.

Acidosis:


My point is we shouldn't justify the woman's consideration/decision to abandon her husband. The moment you're married, you've become a family. It shouldn't matter whether extended families come to our aid or not. These same extended families will be heavily criticized when they come to claim inheritance.

Who was justifying her decision to leave?

Acidosis:


My point is we shouldn't justify the woman's consideration/decision to abandon her husband. The moment you're married, you've become a family. It shouldn't matter whether extended families come to our aid or not. These same extended families will be heavily criticized when they come to claim inheritance.

I agree with you that marriage is for better or worse but not every human being is equally strong to cope in her situation. I don't have a problem with you taking a stand that one should remain with their spouse till the end but I have a problem when you and your friend claim the moral high ground where you don't have it. If you want to be the better Christians behave like that.

Unnerve:

Is it lack of sex that's her problem, or lack of money?

I can't make heads or tails of this.

Both.

Perogbangba:
The Lord is your strength woman! leaving the marriage isn't a good idea... Remember, for better or worse.

Leaving the marriage may be the best thing for her mental health. We don't want a case where wifey poisoned husband cause she was frustrated with his 'uselessness'

miniziter:

Both.

And she told you? Who is she to you?

Sixfeetbelle:


Leaving the marriage may be the best thing for her mental health. We don't want a case where wifey poisoned husband cause she was frustrated with his 'uselessness'

You have raised an important point. There have been many cases of abusive caretakers in challenging and overwhelming situations like that. No matter how ideological we want to be on NL in reality we are human and flawed and in situations like that stronger or weaker than we thought we were.

Having said that something tells me the story is fake anyway.

cococandy:
both ?

Maybe if she has one, she will feel less frustrated with the other.

Then I figure getting some sort of financial intervention (government, philanthropy, family members who still care, etc) is the best step forward if she really wants to stay.

This is because I can't quite see any benefit in considering the option of getting a side nigga.
I mean, having a sick disabled husband at home and banging another man outside is simply more stress on her time and attention, even worse if this man will not be providing the resources needed for her to take care of her husband (and I'm pretty sure no side nigga will do that).

So between the option of just getting another man for sex and totally leaving her husband, the latter actually seems like the more humane choice, I doubt his 'unconcerned' family will completely abandon him when they realize his wife has left.

miniziter:

Both.

Ahh you're the one with the story. So in addition to my response to the lady above, she has to pick one problem.

Someone who is seriously in need of money and experiencing the fatigue and mental drain that a lack of it can bring, definitely should not be having thoughts of dicking, plus she has a little child too.
What time will she even have for the side nigga?

I'm beginning to believe this here is a hypothetical story but since we're all playing along, please tell 'her' to pick the battle she wants to fight and if fighting isn't even something she's willing to do anymore, then leaving her husband completely is the most reasonable thing to do.

I agree on the money part. If I were to choose too, I think money is more important. For me money would definitely come first.

Between the option of leaving or seeking extracurricular sexual satisfaction, if I were the disabled person, I’ll probably choose the latter. Saying ‘might’ because I can’t know this for sure.

But I feel I’d rather not lay in my own excrement for days and days because my caregiver left me while I’m waiting for someone in my family who previously didn’t care to start caring. That’s very risky.

if I were bedridden without any possible way of meeting his needs permanently and my husband stays by my side to nurse & provide for me. Yes, I’d forgive him some extramarital dalliances. It might hurt and would be hard to come to terms with.

However this is not to say that I don’t recognize it can come with complications. Might even end up making the person leave once they start falling for the side piece.
That’s why it’s not easy advice to give.

Unnerve:

Then I figure getting some sort of financial intervention (government, philanthropy, family members who still care, etc) is the best step forward.

This is because I can't quite see any benefit in considering the option of getting a side nigga.
I mean, having a sick disabled husband at home and banging another man outside is simply more stress on her time and attention, worse if this man will not be providing the resources needed for her to take care of her husband (I'm pretty sure no side nigga will do that).

So between the option of just getting another man for sex and totally leaving her husband, the latter actually seems like the more humane of the two because I doubt his 'unconcerned' family will completely abandon him when they realize his wife has left.

Unnerve:

Ahh you're the one with the story. So in addition to my response to the lady above, she has to pick one problem.

Someone who is seriously in need of money and experiencing the fatigue and mental drain that a lack of it can bring, definitely should not be having thoughts of dicking, plus she has a little child too.
What time will she even have for the side nigga?

I'm beginning to believe this here is a hypothetical story but since we're all playing along, please tell 'her' to pick the battle she wants to fight and if fighting isn't even something she's willing to do anymore, then leaving her husband completely is the most reasonable thing to do.

My thoughts exactly. And it's been only two years.

cococandy:
I agree on the money part. If I were to choose too, I think money is more important. For me money would definitely come first.

Between the option of leaving or seeking extracurricular sexual satisfaction, if I were the disabled person, I’ll probably choose the latter. Saying ‘might’ because I can’t know this for sure.

But I feel I’d rather not lay in my own excrement for days and days because my caregiver left me while I’m waiting for someone in my family who previously didn’t care to start caring. That’s very risky.

if I were bedridden without any possible way of meeting his needs permanently and my husband stays by my side to nurse & provide for me. Yes, I’d forgive him some extramarital dalliances. It might hurt and would be hard to come to terms with.

However this is not to say that I don’t recognize it can come with complications. Might even end up making the person leave once they start falling for the side piece.
That’s why it’s not easy advice to give.

Me thinks having the financial resources for homecare solves every/most other problems in this situation. The sex part & needing a side guy should not be coming up at this point. Lol

Hathor5:


My thoughts exactly. And it's been only two years.

Too early

cococandy:


Okay like home health. That’s good to know. I wonder how expensive or affordable they are though. Thanks

Well,they are not cheap.The cost range is about N100k - N150k a month.They provide 24 hrs services or you could have only day service.

thorpido:
Well,they are not cheap.The cost range is about N100k - N150k a month.They provide 24 hrs services or you could have only day service.

Nice.
Not bad for a full month of care actually. But it would be unaffordable for some families.

cococandy:

Nice.
Not bad for a full month of care actually. But it would be unaffordable for some families.

It's really for those in the upper echelon of the society.

.

NerdyRudeGyal:
Very true.

God give us the courage and strength to do and stand for the right things no matter how hard, unconventional, unpopular, unpleasant or inconvenient they are.

Amen.

pocohantas:
The irony of this whole argument is, in reality, there are way more women doing this. There are so many women with paralyzed husbands and all.

Turn the table... The second you as a woman suffers any illness that makes you unable to function- e no go pass 1mth, you are back to your parents house.

Whatever the woman wants to do is up to her. 99% of Nigerian men won’t do same.

why the lame generalizations, was it so necessary
women that fall short of severe illness, to the point of been incapacitated are mostly milfs & aged women there grown children easily fill up ... my landlady in her early 50's suffered cancer for more than two years up till stage 4, her husband never relegated her back to her family, alway willing & ready to spend when needed, she died last month tho., the husband works onshore, not alway around should he av resign, if not for the grown up children would it not av been more appropriate to take her to her family. some situation just warrants it
It doesnt matter how relentless you try to alway paint men as evil, buh the fact is men can't multi task like women, to combine chores, baby sitting with work .. possibility of getting sacked is 90%

Hathor5:


And she told you? Who is she to you?

Her friend is my neighbor and I heard them discussing it. The friend (neighbor) even ask me and her husband to advise her on what to tell her.

Unnerve:

Ahh you're the one with the story. So in addition to my response to the lady above, she has to pick one problem.

Someone who is seriously in need of money and experiencing the fatigue and mental drain that a lack of it can bring, definitely should not be having thoughts of dicking, plus she has a little child too.
What time will she even have for the side nigga?

I'm beginning to believe this here is a hypothetical story but since we're all playing along, please tell 'her' to pick the battle she wants to fight and if fighting isn't even something she's willing to do anymore, then leaving her husband completely is the most reasonable thing to do.

Come to Okada to capture the true life story.

Unnerve:

Ahh you're the one with the story. So in addition to my response to the lady above, she has to pick one problem.

Someone who is seriously in need of money and experiencing the fatigue and mental drain that a lack of it can bring, definitely should not be having thoughts of dicking, plus she has a little child too.
What time will she even have for the side nigga?

I'm beginning to believe this here is a hypothetical story but since we're all playing along, please tell 'her' to pick the battle she wants to fight and if fighting isn't even something she's willing to do anymore, then leaving her husband completely is the most reasonable thing to do.

Come to Okada to capture the true life story.
Sometimes the hormone responsible for sex will act o.

cococandy:


My married aunt (I always talk about her because I really miss her). Got sick and couldn’t work anymore or take care of her home. Guess where she died, back in her father’s house because the husband couldn’t care for her.

Do you know why anyone was even slightly upset with him, it wasn’t because he couldn’t care for her (Men usually are forgiven for such) it was because after she came home to be nursed, he stopped caring at all. Even for his kid who was a toddler then. Yes the toddler of course had to come home with the mom. Dad can’t work and take care of a toddler at the same time we were told. Never mind that Moms do it all the time but we forgive him for not being able to do so.

But the moment he actually stopped calling, stopped caring, stopped asking how are they doing? Do they need anything? When can I visit? What does my child need? That was only when her family got upset with him.

I can only pass judgment on a cruel woman. But a woman who’s doing what she can with what she has will always get a “you go girl” from me.

Nice story, but last last sha, you would advise her to leave since the situation isn't getting better right? let's face reality.

What is worrisome to me is the man who never even worried about his child (the toddler), I mean this is his child, even if the mom died at child birth, will he throw the child away? So the man was just an irresponsible man, he should be held responsible. He doesn't represents all Men, so let's clear the air on that.

My point is not that all or even many men are like him. I’d be scared if they were.

My point is that people judge women differently and always expect more from us. Even when it’s humanly difficult to give more. They use God to try and make you feel guilty. To guilt you into giving your last breath.

See as no one judged him for any of the things he did (which my aunt would have been sacrificed for if she did half of it). The judgment only came when he totally stopped caring and asking about his wife and kid. Like they were strangers he was happy to be away from.

So, OP ( if a real person ) should be very easy on herself.

truthsayer009:


Nice story, but last last sha, you would advise her to leave since the situation isn't getting better right? let's face reality.

What is worrisome to me is the man who never even worried about his child (the toddler), I mean this is his child, even if the mom died at child birth, will he throw the child away? So the man was just an irresponsible man, he should be held responsible. He doesn't represents all Men, so let's clear the air on that.

cococandy:

Nice.
Not bad for a full month of care actually. But it would be unaffordable for some families.

The family in question can't even afford one quarter of it.