Killing English

1. Principal to student..." I saw u
yesterday rotating near girls
hostel pulling cigarette... ? "

2. Class teacher once said :" pick
up the paper and fall in the
dustbin!!!"

3. one Hindi teacher said...."I'm
going out of the world to
America.."

4. "..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT
OF MY BACK.."

5. don't..laugh at the back
benches...other wise teeth and all
will be fallen down.....

6. It was very hot in the
afternoon when the teacher
entered.. She tried to switch the
fan on, but there was some
problem. and then she said " why
is fan not oning" (ing form of
on)

7. Teacher in a furious mood...
write down ur name and father
of ur name!!

8. "shhh... quiet... the principal is
revolving around college"

9. My manager started like this
"Hi,I am Madhu, Married with two
kids"

10. "will u hang that calendar or
else I'll HANG MYSELF"

11. LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL
TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN
OUTSIDE"

12. Chemistry HOD comes and
tells us... "My aim is to study my
son and marry my daughter"

13. Tomorrow call ur parents
especially mother and father

14. "why are you looking at the
monkeys outside when I am in
the class?!"

15. Lab assistant said this when
my friend wrote wrong code.. "I
understand. You understand.
Computer how understand??

16. Seeing the principal passing
by, the teacher told the noisy
class.. "Keep quiet, the principal
has passed away"

17. Once Teacher Told "If u Talk
So Loudly I Will Stand Uping U"

18. teacher to students : don't spit
outside, the understanding
people will suffer

19. i have 3 daughters, all are
girl.

A Girl About To Make Tea.
Opened Fridge Couldn't Find Milk,
So She Removed Her Dress....
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Changed Her Clothes, went out &
Bought
Milk From a Shop.
May God help ur dirty mind.

nice!

swtchicgurl: nice!

Types of people on FACEBOOK


1)The PREACHERS: These are
mostly single men/ladies who
act 'holy' & only updates
bible verses on Sunday.

2)The CONFUSED: Married
today,Engaged tomorrow next
day dey ar in an open r/ship.

3)WEATHER FORECASTERS:
Updates mostly when it
rains..cold,its
hot in Abeokuta.

4)The TRAVELERS : ..today-Ilorin
here i come..tomorrow Abuja
hear
i come..next
day lagos hear i cum...

5)The UNHEALTHY LOT :
stomach ache,headache,b
ackache
..Abeg FB is not a clinic!!

6)The LIARS(Major type) : Lie abt
age,Marital status and use
ridiculous names lyk Rihana
...Beyonce,lil wayne etc etc..

7) WITCHES : they always like
status abt death,sickness

DRUNKARDS: This are the
funny types,and they update
there status mostly on friday
night
keep the ball rolling.....

mikuz:



Types of people on FACEBOOK


1)The PREACHERS: These are
mostly single men/ladies who
act 'holy' & only updates
bible verses on Sunday.

2)The CONFUSED: Married
today,Engaged tomorrow next
day dey ar in an open r/ship.

3)WEATHER FORECASTERS:
Updates mostly when it
rains..cold,its
hot in Abeokuta.

4)The TRAVELERS : ..today-Ilorin
here i come..tomorrow Abuja
hear
i come..next
day lagos hear i cum...

5)The UNHEALTHY LOT :
stomach ache,headache,b
ackache
..Abeg FB is not a clinic!!

6)The LIARS(Major type) : Lie abt
age,Marital status and use
ridiculous names lyk Rihana
...Beyonce,lil wayne etc etc..

7) WITCHES : they always like
status abt death,sickness

DRUNKARDS: This are the
funny types,and they update
there status mostly on friday
night
keep the ball rolling.....

nice one though this Nairaland

AKPORS AND TEACHER


Teacher: Who is the president of
Nigeria?
Akpors: I don't know ma
Teacher: U nid to focus more on
your studies
Akpors: please ma,can i ask u a
few questions
Teacher: Yes,go ahead
Akpors: Do u knw Rita?
Teacher: No
Akpors: Do u knw Joy?
Teacher: No
Akpors: Do u knw Kate?
Teacher: (Angry):Hell no! who ar
all these pple and why do u ask?
Akpors: You nid to Focus More
more on your Husband.

I got an email from Facebook saying I complain too much. They want to change my status question from "What's on your mind?" to "Now what?"

TOP 10 SINS COMMITTED ON FACEBOOK


1. You buy some cheap
underwear frm bend down select.. (Okrika) & on facebook you write: "I love Gucci underwears"....God is watching you*
2. You're a married man with 2 kids & on facebook you always claim to be single ...God is watching you
3. You're 21 yrs old & you're dating a woman of 64 yrs old and your facebook
updates says "can't wait to see my baby." ...
Is that your baby or your mum?...God is
watching you
4. You're are drinking ice water & you update "I'm drinking Johnny Walker on the rocks or Champaign" ....God is watching you
5. You're in the house
watching super story on NTA but your update on facebook says “Watching EXPANDABLES 3 at the cinema” ...God is watching
you
6. You sell recharge card's by d road side & you update your status on facebook as "had a long day in the office" God is watching you*
7. You are waiting for okada at ur Area Round-About & your facebook update says “stuck in traffic jam ..thank God for the air conditioner in ma car" ...God is watching you
8. You are using some fake chinese techno phone with 3 sim cards and you update your status"My laptop is slow"....God is watching you*
9. You are staying in Nyanya and you update your status "Chilling at home in Maitama ..... God is watching you
10. Your real name is Chinedu or Danladi and on facebook you call yourself Nigga Jay Zee, Big Rick Ross, Young Money Wayne,Cash Money Drake.......God is watching you.

A rich man's son who was classmate to Akpors told him dat most adults are hiding at least one dark secret & dat this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,"I know the whole truth."
So Akpors decided to go home & try it out.
He got home & as he is greeted byhis mother he said,"Mama, I knowthe whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him N500 & said,"Just dont tell your father."
Q...uite pleased, he waited for his father to get home from work & on arrival his greeting to His father was"Papa, I know the whole truth"His father quickly took him aside & gave him N1000saying"just don't tell ur mother" wow!
Amazed by dis, he ran out to meetd gate man saying"I know the whole truth"d gate man quickly dropped d padlock & embraced him really tight n said" thank God say u don know say na me be ur Papa.....!!


NEMESIS is wen u submit ur
answer sheet wit ur expo
inside...
RACISM is wen a white iphone
costs more than a
black one...
LONG THROAT is wen u take a girl
out on a sunny day
& she orders 4 a hot plate of
pepper soup...
A WITCH is dat girl dat eats
nkwobi,fish peppersoup,
shawama, suya, kilishi,chicken ,
chips & burger, drink
smirnoff,farouz & wen u take her
home she says
"sorry i'm on my period"...
OVERSABI is wen u're eating salad
wit a girl & she ask
"honey,dis food no done"... ?
OLODO is wen u're in a plane wit
a girl & she says
"honey i'm hot,can u pls wind
down d window"...?
A HUNGRY CHILD is dat kid dat
sees u eating & says
"my mummy said i shldnt take
food frm strangers"...
A STUBBORN CHILD is dat kid dat
wakes up in d
middle of d nyt wen daddy &
mummy ar havn a gud tym &
says "mummy i want 2 piss
Now;

mikuz: Husband texts to wife on
cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but
types
"Sweet Heart, how can I
live without U?"
Wife: "U idi0t! I'm dying my
hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English
Language!

I LAFF SMALLL

Boooooooooooring

godjohnson: Boooooooooooring

sorry for the loss. Take heart.

STINGY:Boy: I love you girl and I
want you to be my babe.Girl: I
accept but no sex because I want
to keep my body for my future
husband.Boy: No problem but
don't ask for money because I
want to save it for my future
wife.Question: who is stingy?

you ran out of adventures


abeg more jare

A touching story that happened
in China scroll
down to read it..
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なだや羅やわマヤなた 名棚や探したい以下対する 目指し回友
人目指し差が愛する なたさるかなだ羅山な滝さやかあ な�� � やマ
ヌらは坂花やま
あ傘話 間に魚玉� ��らはがやわまぁ 花
や なたまやかあさらやわはさたなは や なたきたなよ�� � いさは
早見たか あやバ
カにかわ鼻高� ��なわ谷中 あ 名はさな たかなあかさやなやまな
たあかさなや帆
な肉違い�� �耶
Really a touching story!!!
Cried after reading this...
When we get more on
the story, we'll let you guys
know.

hmmmn
really interesting

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A GIRL AND
A WOMAN:
»A Girl searches for a rich man
»A Woman searches for a caring
and loving man
»A Girls envies those who move
ahead and hate the players
»A Woman shares their
knowledge and help others move
ahead by not hating the players
but teaching them the rules to the
game.
»A Girl measures her man's worth
by the weight of his pocket.
»A Woman measures her man's
worth by his level of Wisdom and
the fear of God, and how
disciplined he can be towards his
finances.
»A Girl breaks up with silly
excuses
»A Woman has endurance,
knowing that
everything happens for a reason
»A Girl thinks about present
»A Woman thinks about the
future of you and herself
»A Girl loves to have many guys
going after her
»A Woman knows the law of
demand
(Cheap things have high
purchasers)
»A Girl takes relationship affairs
outside
»A Woman solves the problems
within herself and her partner
»A Girl demands for money to buy
make-Ups
» A Woman demand for money to
fulfill her plans
»A Girl gets hurt by one man and
makes all other men pay for it.
»A Woman knows that, that was
just ONE man.
»A girl is "learning"...A woman
"knows"
»A Girl will read this and get an
attitude.
»A WOMAN will read this and pass
it to other women

www.Five years into their marriage, Akpors & his wife have had five children. Akpors decides to see the doctor to discuss family planning & doctor recommends condom use... Akpors returns to the doctor after about 9 months, complaining that his wife has been delivered of twins! Doctor asks, "Did you use cd at all?" Akpors: YES, I did. Doctor: Ok, pls how do you use your cd? Akpors: I use it with water, just like paracetamol, abi I dey make mistake? The doctor fainted!

A man built a room with
250 blocks and later
turned it to a
school,with him being
the headmaster.
Whenever his students
offend him, he would
tell them to go and give
the wall 50 punches.
Two students (Musa
and Akpors) offended
him on a day, after his
orders, Musa started
punching the wall.
He was crying heavily
but the headmaster did
not tell him to leave
until he finished the 50
punches.
He told the second guy
Akpors to go and do
like wise
Akpors: rubbish.
Headmaster: for saying
that, its now 100
punches for you.
Akpors: nonsense.
Headmaster: now 200
punches.
Akpors went towards
the wall, as he gave the
wall a punch (gbooooo), ­
a block fell down from
the wall.
Headmaster: what's
that.
Akpors: nothing...Gbooo ­
oo(another block falls).
Headmaster: you can go
and sit down.
Akpors: that would be
total injustice, the other
guy finished his
punishment, i also want
to finish my
own...gboooo,gbooo,gboooo
(bloc ks falling down).
Headmaster: i said go
and sit down.
Akpors: that would be
cheating on the other
student...gbooo ,gboooo,gbooo
(blocks falling down).
Headmaster: can't i
instruct you, am i not
old enough to be your
father.?
Akpors: for mentioning
my fathers' name,
i've increased my
punishment to 250
punches.
The headmaster knelt
down.
Headmaster : my good
son,take it easy, i know
this building is already
going down, but please
pardon the foundation.

At Abu's mothers burial, Abu is
serving everyone but has
ignored his
best friend Akpors
Akpors: hmm Abu, dont forget
that my mother will also die
oo

Akpos went to a native doctor
and
requested to know how bright
his
destiny would be.
The native doctor drew a circle
with
a white chalk and another circle
with a black chalk. After that,
he
placed a dead millipede on the
floor and asked
Akpos to watch carefully.
He said he would recite some
incantation to make the dead
millipede start crawling. He told
Akpos that
if the millipede crawls into the
white circle, it means that his
destiny will be
bright but if it crawls inside the
black circle, it means his destiny
will be dark.
Finally he started his incantation
and the dead millipede started
crawling. When it got in between
the two circles, it turned and
started crawling towards the
black circle.
Akpos watched and immediately
it was about entering the black
circle, Akpos
picked it and gently dropped it
inside the white circle.
The native doctor who got
furious
asked Akpos why he did that,
Akpos replied; i won't fold my
arms
and watch my destiny crawl into
darkness because my
destiny is in my hands.

~vicky~:
this your adventure is outdated now

try consulting my oga @ the top

na you sabi . . .

A new element added to
PERIODIC
TABLE:
.
.
Name:" Girl
Symbol:" Gl
Atomic weight:" Don't even dare
to
ask..
Physical properties:"
1. Boils at any time,
..
2. Melts when handled with love
and
care,
..
3. very bitter when mishandled.
Chemical properties:
..
1. Very reactive,
..
2. Highly unstable,
..
3. Possesses high affinity to
gold,
platinum,
diamond, branded clothes and
other
expensive items.
Nature:
1. Money reducing agent..
..
2. Volatile when left alone..
Occurrence:".
..
Mostly found infront of the
mirrors

ABBREVIATION CONVERSATION
BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
Man: I'm GEJ.
Wife: u'r kidding. Our President is
GEJ(Goodluck Ebele Jonathan)
Man: I mean i'm GEJ - GOING on
EMERGENCY
JOURNEY!
Wife:*smiles* Oh! u're not
serious! What kind of journey
are
u going on?
Man: OBJ
Wife: To meet Obasanjo!?
Man: No. It means ON a
BUSSINESS
JOURNEY.
Wife: Oh!
Man: IBB
Wife: Babangida?
Man: I'LL BE BACK
Wife:*smiles*
Man: Till then, i'll ACN.
Wife: u want to join politics!?
Man: i'll ALWAYS CALL ur NUMBER.
Wife: Hmmm
Man: while i'm away, PDP with
our love
Wife: What!?
Man: PLEASE DON'T PLAY with our
love.
Wife: u know i won't. I'll BRF.
Man: what has Lagos state
governor got to do with all
this!?
Wife: *smiles* I'll BE RIGHTEOUS &
FAITHFULL!
Man: I trust u.
Wife: FOOL !
Man: *surprised* whaaat!?
Wife: FOR OUR OVERWHELMING
LOVE !

Boy drops girl at home, he puts
his hand on d wall by d gate
for support, leans towards her
BOY : Can I kiss you ?
GIRL : Not now, I'm at home.
BOY : Please.
GIRL : No.
BOY : You were too sweet in bed
today.
GIRL : Waoh! you too, full of
energy. I could not believe we
had for rounds.
BOY : Let me kiss u good night.
GIRL : Someone may be watching,
they still think I'm a virgin
at home.
This goes on for ten minutes,
then girl's brother appears at
the gate and says "Dad says
whether u kiss him or not its
your decision, but tell that
bastard to remove his hand
from
the intercom button, everyone
at home is listening to your
conversation"

Akpos,his son & his wife were
having dinner when suddenly
arm robbers
broke into thier house,akpos
wanted running away but he
said to himself
dat if he run's away,he might be
killed so he freezed himself &
stood like
an image..the arm robber
ordered for money but they did
not have
money,so d arm robber looked
at d image,then turned to
akpos wife &
said:
Arm robber: take a look at such
a beautiful image you have in ur
house,but
you dont have any money.infact
i'm going to destroy dis image.
*sets his gun,point at d image
(akpos) and was about to
shoot.*
Akpos: (screamed out!)please
dont shoot,i am d image of God.
Arm robber: so here you are,i
have been praying to you to
give me job
but you dont want to answer
my prayer..so today since i have
d
oppourtunity of seeing you,i will
not let u escape..when you get
to
hell,explain to them why u did
not want to give me a job.
*about to shoot*
Akpos: (screamed out again!!)
abeg..abeg,i am d image of
akpos..i no wan die!

Dog & Bone,
Girls & Money,
Guys & Sex,
Police & Bribe,
Pastors & Seed,
Native Doctor & Fowl,
Monkey & Banana,
Terry G & Weed,
Jim Iyke & fight,
Jonathan & committee,
Boko Haram & Bomb,
2face & pikin.

HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR PHONE IS
MADE IN CHINA ;
1. It gets full after 3 minutes of
charging.
2. The phone has TV,
Touchscreen, Nail cutter,
firelighter etc.
3. Text message can be written
with a toothpick.
4. There are some spelling
mistakes e.g NokLa, blackderry,
i-
porn, samswag etc.
5. When an aeroplane passes by
it records"one missed call".
6. When a big truck hoots; it
records "charger connected".
7. When a Chinese man passes
by
you it says"one Bluetooth device
found.
Research still on, we will update
you with the rest later.

A drunk guy was with his
girlfriend ina
cinema and suddenly, he fell
asleep.After a
while, he woke up and started
screaming 'MY
PENIS, MY PENIS, MY PENIS'!
All the people in the cinema
were surprised at
the guys behaviour.
He continued, 'Where is my
penis? Someone
has cut my penis and my nuts!
Oh God what
have I done to deserve this?'
The
embarrassed girlfriend said
'shut up,you
idiot! Your hand is in my panty'!

During class, a teacher
trying to teach good
manners, asks the
students:"Students, If you
were on a date, having supper
with a nice
young lady, how would you tell
her that you
have to go to the bathroom?
Ofego?"
Ofego: "Abeg, I won go piss, i dey
come."
Teacher:"That would be rude
and impolite!!!
Teacher: "What about you Ajiri?
How would
you say it?"
Ajiri: "I am sorry, but I really
need
to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's
still not very
nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner
table. And you Akpos, are you
able to
use your intelligence for once
and show us
your good manners?"
Akpos:"I would say:
'Darling, may I please be excused
for a
moment? I have to shake hands
with a very
dear friend of mine, who I hope
you'll get to
meet after supper. "
The teacher fainted!!

Two guys drinking at a bar...
Guy 1: Do U know my father is a
doctor?
Guy 2: wow! My father is a
doctor too!
Guy 1: Asare is my last nAme!
Guy 2[excited]: Omg! My surname
is Asare
too!
Guy 1: Am 23 years old
Guy 2: wAt? Get out of here
[lafing], am also
23 years old..
Guy 1: Don't tell me dat U're
born on the 14th
of August,
and U went to OWASS!
Guy 2: yeah! I was born at 14th
August...tell
me am dreaming bcuzI also went
to OWASS..
[They both cried, and hug each
other]
Akpors sitting next to them
asked the Bartender,
"What' s
wrong with these 2 guys?
The Bartender answered, dont
mind these stupid boys,
they are Dr. Asare's twins and
they are very drunk.