By Sifa Helen Asani Gowon

Culled from http://sifushka..com/2010/07/how-not-to-propose-to-naija-woman.html

Let’s face it ladies. All of us have, at one time or another, dreamt of the day our knight in shining armour (or at least clean, pressed clothes) would sweep us off our feet and then, in a flourish of romance, pop the ever-romantic question in an ever-romantic way. Yep, that’s what reading M and B (or the rough equivalent) will do to you. My husband surmises that M and B novels are the worst things to happen to young girls in Naija. ‘Why?’ I asked. Simple. According to him, such novels give girls silly romantic ideas and notions that are either nonexistent or at the very least, impractical, especially for the Naija man. I do agree in a way. But that said, I do think that there are a number of circumstances a man should NEVER propose to a woman under. Especially a Naija woman. Haba mana, some things are just not romantic.

Guys, you should NEVER propose to a woman…

1) In the market: This is not America where they have cute grocery stores. You know our markets: loud, muddy, full of bustling, rude people. Hot- sun blazing down with no shade nearby. You are there with your lady and suddenly you decide to pop the question…while she’s haggling with the seller over N50 crayfish with sweat dripping into her eyes and her temper frayed to bits. First of all, she will tell you no. Then she will proceed to beat you with the bag of crayfish, ugwu leaves and atargu pepper.

2) After an achaba accident: while you are trying to pick her up and she’s trying to hold her torn skirt and equally torn dignity together. You will most likely have the usual gaping crowd of ‘well wishers’ around saying ‘Ay-yah’ and the achaba guy will be trying to pick up the pieces of his broken headlight and your lady will be thanking GOD for her life. Please don’t pop the question then because she will slap you and everybody will laugh at you.

3) In the rain: I know it looks cute in movies (especially Indian movies) but believe me in real life, it’s…not so cute. Rain doesn’t fall neatly or gently in Naija- it pours in torrential sheets. Then you decide to pull a ‘Notebook’ move and get down on your knees in the rain while she’s trying to run to the nearest place of shelter. Several things can happen then. First, you could be struck by lightning and die. Or you could be struck by a falling NEPA pole and die (more likely than option number 1). Or she could curse you in her ancestral language and run for shelter, leaving you there kneeling in the mud looking very, very silly.

4) In a traffic jam up: Don’t attempt this move, especially in one of those 4 pm Nyanya-Abuja holdups. The horns are beeping, the people are shouting and your lady is seething and sweating in the car. Then you pop the question. What? No violins? No music? My guy, the only sound you will hear is the cacophonic blare of car and achaba horns and the loud ‘mscheeeeeeeeew’ your lady will direct towards your side. ‘You’re asking me to marry you in hold up? While I’m sweating and hungry? Is that what your mates are doing?’ she asks, her voice full of incredulity…and rage. Ooops. Bad move, guy.

5) On the dance floor in a nightclub while doing the crunk or macarena (or suitable Naija substitute): First of all, she won’t hear you over the loud Wande Coal song blaring in the background. Secondly, she has enough on her plate trying to dodge your flailing hands on the dance floor and the groping hands of the creep behind her who’s moving suspiciously close. Then you get on one knee and bring out the ring…and the dancer next to you knocks it out of your hands while he’s dancing…and you get on your hands and knees crawling between dancers trying to find the ring. And you leave your lady staring at your quick retreating backside and then the creep moves in for the kill…’Hello baby. You look fly’ he tells her. Not exactly what you planned, is it?

6) In a Nigeria Police Cell: after you have both been arrested on the charge of ‘trespassing and loitering with the intent to cause mischief in the environment’. She’s terrified and trying her best not to touch anything or anyone in the dank cell, her eyes wide in shock. Then you propose. And she looks at you…and promptly calls out ‘Officer! Officer! Abeg come flog this guy!’

7) In the middle of one Mama-Put or Pepper Soup Joint: while stuffing your face with roasted fish and big stout with P-Square’s ‘Busybody’ blaring in the distance and ‘Mama Obionogerichuku’ screaming at her incompetent staff. Your lady is sitting across from you gaping in wonder at your appetite and appaling table manners. Just when she thinks you couldn’t possibly do anything to disgust her more you throw in the clincher. You release a loud belch, start picking your teeth with a large fishbone and say ‘Babe, you know…a man like me likes to eat…and I hope you know how to cook well because you and I will soon get married, abi?’ She will not blink. She will slowly get up, get her bag and walk out of the ‘establishment’ with you looking on and muttering ‘Baby? Babe? How far?’

Serenading her with ‘No one like you’ in the middle of a busy street: Guy, you will just end up embarrassing yourself and all the people standing around and gaping at you. She will stand and stare at you, not believing her ill luck while you shriek at the top of your lungs on your knees somewhere in the middle of Wuse 2. Then you open your eyes…and she is no longer there. Where she once stood is now a crowd of people, with a very worried looking policeman at the forefront. ‘Oga, you sure say you dey fine?’

That’s basically all I can come up with right now. Any ideas, people?

http://sifushka..com/2010/07/how-not-to-propose-to-naija-woman.html

lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
You are such a clown

rotflmao, Chei i don die 4 laff esp. D mama put and rain part, Lwkmfh,

rotflmao, Chei i don die 4 laff esp. D mama put and rain part, Lwkmfh,

Never propose to a woman while you hitting her doggy style from the back. Are you sure you asking her or her nyansh in hands of marriage?

Mrs, Chima:

Never propose to a woman while you hitting her canine style from the back. Are you sure you asking her or her nyansh in hands of marriage?

What da freak?!!!

chinedumo:





3) In the rain: I know it looks cute in movies (especially Indian movies) but believe me in real life, it’s…not so cute. Rain doesn’t fall neatly or gently in Naija- it pours in torrential sheets. Then you decide to pull a ‘Notebook’ move and get down on your knees in the rain while she’s trying to run to the nearest place of shelter. Several things can happen then. First, you could be struck by lightning and die. Or you could be struck by a falling NEPA pole and die (more likely than option number 1). Or she could curse you in her ancestral language and run for shelter, leaving you there kneeling in the mud looking very, very silly.

ROFL i think you posted this specially for me.

My perfect ideal of a romantic proposal

Too much of hindi movies I guess lol

;d ;d

kech:

What da freak?!!!

You know men get ASSMERIZED so I just wanted to make sure they know never to propose when they are ASSMERIZED.

ROTFLMFBO! Mehn una no go kill person 4 dis place.

am glad no one is complaining of the size

Please do not propose to a woman with a decimal size ring. If she has to borrow Mz. Dark's glasses to see the ring that is not a good sign suga.

(running from the thread)

@ topic >>> funny thing is that, I can rightly guess that some marriage proposals took place under those conditions

Mrs, Chima:

Please do not propose to a woman with a decimal size ring.  If she has to borrow Mz. Dark's glasses [/b]to see the ring that [b]is not a good sign suga. 

(running from the thread)

Dannnnnnnmmmmmmm! You just deliberately insulted dissed MzDark. Gadammmit!

That was not a diss. You wear glasses.

No thanks, I aint myopic.

Biopic?

No correlation with my initial submission. Anu Gboko!

Mrs, Chima:

Please do not propose to a woman with a decimal size ring. If she has to borrow Mz. Dark's glasses to see the ring that is not a good sign suga.

(running from the thread)

Lmao

Nigra Babosa.  

koolchicco:

No correlation with my initial submission. Anu Gboko!

Mrs, Chima:

Nigra Babosa.  

You wan chop hot slap abi?!

lwkmd esp at d rain one

Wisdom is the principal thing