A very good friend of mines told me that her man seen my guy out at the club with another woman..
I'm not sure how to handle this. I investigated and found out some facts and my friend's man swears to everything that it was my guy that he seen. He said he felt bad for me and that I needed to know.

Of course I'm disappointed and hurt because this means he was dishonest with me and if he's sleeping with someone else I would want to know so that I can decided if that's what I want.

I believe this is true because lately his behavior has been different, he's been extra nice to me as if he feels guilt for something. One time I noticed the sex was different. He has a certain pattern and the last time was very different and I was puzzled then, I asked him about it and he really didn't have much to say. Then he has been in the habit lately of not answering his phone. He blames everything on being tired and work.

We are going to meet today and talk but I'm not sure what to say since I didn't actually see him and we're not married. I think the best thing to do is to leave him alone because I would always think about this in my head. I do not want to be hurt anymore than I have been. I'm not sure what to think anymore, I thought things were going well.

What do you think?

His he your husband, boyfriend or fiance?

We are courting for marriage

Kenya,

Always beware of friends with this" I saw" or "they Said". Since you did not catch this guy of yours why insinuating such thoughts? Relationship is all about trust. If a relationship is not built on trust it will certainly collapse.

I will advise you to trust him still, then study him well and keep yourself I.e since his behaviour has changed as you said stop having sex with him and see how he reacts if he calls it bluff then he does not worth having as a lover. If he fights you because of sex just forget it.

Call him to your closet ask him what his mission is about the relationship. If he commits himself then tell him point blank what you heard and call the friend of yours who told you to meet your guy eye ball to eye ball for discussion. If your friend says no, then she is "Adaleru"(Separator) Such is not good as friend.

If someone tells me he/she saw my lover in so so and so place with another man I will ask the person that told me f I could ask my lover about it and she should be ready for confrontation if he/she says no, then he/she who told is nothing but a blatant liar. But first I won't doubt my partner until I catch her red handed.

Hmmm. Good point.

I just want to say that you should try to be calm about it. Good people sometimes do bad things; people make mistakes. If it's possible for you to ask him in a direct, really calm fashion with the facts, like: "so and so told me you were seen at a club with another woman. Tell me about it". Then listen to what he has to say and watch him intently for signs that he's not being sincere.

Ask "why" questions, and do not use this as an occasion to react. Just listen like a calculating robot and ask questions. Then excuse him and think about the response. Then when you're sure you know exactly what happened, you can react. You can also keep us updated. Hope this helps.

Thanks you guys. I will take all of this into consideration. It always help to have a males perspective. I will keep you guys posted on what happens.

Kenya,
I really want you to ba calm. Don't fight exercise patience on this issue. It's a pity that "man dey Spoil man"
I imagine how you feel full of emotions but life goes on there is a bright light after a tunnel. God will see you through.
I identify with you in your pains.
God bless you.

Thanks you guys,

We met today and I was very calm about the whole situation, I surprised myself. I started off by asking him about how men and women relate in his culture, I asked him about his mission in the relationship and about how he seen me and more. I really didn't look me in my eyes much. He looked all around him as he usually does. Finally I asked him if his love for me would keep him from being withother women. He said Yes (of course). I asked him if he was satisfied in the relationship and what area's could I improve on to possibly help our relationship.

His response was that everything was fine and at this point he didn't think anything needed to change,

The big question. I asked him if he was at a club during the week. He said no. I asked him was he sure, he said yeah. Then I told him that I was made aware of him being at the club with a woman and that I would like for him to tell me about the night. He said that he did go out with his friends and his friend's girl friend brought a few of her friends and they all partied. He said he did dance and have conversation with her but that was it. I wasn't sure what to say after that. I tried to remain calm because he had just told me 5 Min's earlier that he did not go out.

He was surprised that I knew, He had a very puzzled look on his face, He was extra nice to me and very open after I dropped it on him. Before that he was getting frustrated with my questions.

My points to him was that I expect him to be on his best behavior at all time because his actions can be misperceived. I told him I was not comfortable with him grinding on the floor with anyone outside of me and that if he's going to hang out with other women then I should be made aware of it so that I am not thrown off when I hear things. I concluded that his behavior reflects me and that it's embarrassing to me to have a partner who handles things the way he chooses too, especially without communication. I did not appreciate him lying to me because he told me that he was asleep that night that he was grinding on the dance floor.

He wants to continue talking tonight after work. I agreed to it but I'm not sure now that I think more about it. I'm not sure what to do with this guy or this situation. I defiantly don't feel that he has his hormones in check doing things like that. I can't watch him and I don't want to. I would never conduct myself that way, I respect myself and our relationship too much.

Thanks you guys for your support.

The guy did it, from the look of things but pardon him and let him know that you are not comfortable with it and you can't stand the second time.

Just an update,


I must admit that I am embarrassed, hurt and disappointed and confused at the same time. It will be fine though, I'm sure it will be.

Today I had to take a different stand. The day we talked about the situation we agreed to get together that night.
Well whenthe night came, he changed his mind about getting together. I still wanted to hook up and he was upset about me wanting to come over. I mean he was really upset till the point of him being silent the whole night. His behavior and response truly hurt me deeply for the first time, even more than I was when I heard about him being out with someone. That night we slept at different ends of the bed and did not touch at all. He felt better the next day and wanted to touch and talk but I could not stop hurting, I felt really bad. He wanted to hook up again and asked if I could call once I'm done with work. I called and he did not answer or return my call all day. I left him a message saying that I was hurt about everything and I didn't understand why he was doing the things he was doing when he's the one who messed up. I didn't call for 3 days he didn't call me either. When I did call  today I was in need of help  because my car broke down and I was stranded. He said he would come. I waited 5 hours and he never showed up. He didn't answer my call or anything. I felt hurt again. My sister came to help me at 10pm and I got home about 11pm. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm totally out of it. I left him a message saying that I would give him space and that if he wanted to talk or anything that he knew how to get a hold of me.

I truly don't understand. I could be naive about it. I'm getting the impression that he doesn't want to be bothered and doesn't care what I think anymore. It's hard to swallow because I have invested a lot into the courtship. I don't believe I have done anything wrong but I feel so let down, disrespected and hurt and I for sure don't understand yet. I don't know what to say to him, I'm not sure if anything will matter. I have never had to deal with this before, it hurts and it's a harsh reality to face.  I'll be alright I'm just really shocked because he's always there for me and going the extra mile to show that he loves me and cares for me so this is all new. We usually have a good time together so I thought.

This is crazy but  guess it's life. I think it's best to leave now so that I'm not hurt or hurt him in the long run.

I'm very sorry about this situation.

Kenya,

Baby girl, I really sympathise with your situation.

I'm just reading through this for the first time. (I've been away for a while, and never really came across blog before).

When I was reading through everything, and finally came to the end of the story (as it is for now) something kept coming across to me, which was, "come babe, what are you doing to yourself?" Everything I've read so far tells me that you are willing to fight to keep this guy, and to me you may end up loosing your own self-respect at the end of the day. From what you've written, you obviously love the guy a lot, and you honestly felt that you guys were heading for a together-ship (for a forever-ship).

But there was something fundamentally wrong with the situation. You never indicated for how long you guys have been together, though I can only conclude that it must have been for a while, since you're comfortable sharing his bed. Why then are you guys just beginning to define the relationship, asking him what his intentions are, etc? The mere fact that you guys were rolling together should have made that clear in both of your minds.

Apparently, even with all the dialog, there was a fundamental lack of communication. Did he ask you out formally, or did you guys just have an affinity for each other and from there drift 'naturally' into the relationship? You say you're both in a courtship for marrige. Has he proposed to you? Are you guys engaged formally?

Forgive me for saying this, but I can say it with all honesty because I've been on both sides of the frence. I've been considered both a Saint and a Wolf. People will give you both stories about me, depending on how I've rubbed them in the past.

You might wonder why I'm going into all this history, but have patience with me for a minute, I'm just trying to give you the perspective of a guy in this, so you can have an idea of the mindset of a guy [a peek into a man's mind]. I'm not saying that the position is correct, but that this is how many men think. Maybe when you understand this better, you'll know how to position your self and your heart better in future.

The male mind has been considered to be quite one-tracked when it comes to matters of the heart. Men have been considered selfish, uncaring and insensitive. But the otherside also holds true, that men can be most romantic, loving and deep, when they decide to be.

But one fact remains true: a guy has the belief that he can love more than one, that he can share his heart with more than one babe without any apparent conflict of interest being created, that he can maintain multiple relationships without either party having to be aware nor offended by his actions. So when he goes out and decides to play the field and have fun or indulge himself in other relationships, he believes (whether correctly or not is a matter of opinion, and can be left to discussion for another day) that he can hold his heart true to the one he has chosen to love.

However, when he feels that his indescretions are being subjected to too finely focused a microscope, he starts to get cagey, and starts to wonder what all the fuss is about. Why he's being subjected to all this harrassment or monitoring. Then he starts to ask himself if he made a mistake in getting into this relationship to start with. His assurances to you then may start to sound hollow and insincere, and this further worsens the situation because the vibes he gets from you tell him that although you might not say anything that you don't believe a word he has said (which is more or less calling him a liar to his face, even if you havent said a word)

Subjecting him to the barrage of questions, and further pointing out to him that it was clear he had lied about an incident only re-inforces this belief in his mind - that you don't trust him, and that you're treating him like a piece of property and not an individual or person, who is capable of making mistakes, but not wanting to be berrated, harangued or lamblasted for his errors, follies or weaknesses (note that he might not hesitate a second in doing this to you if the tables were reversed. Men can be mean )

The bottom line is that at the end of the day, things change. A seed has been sown which has germinated into what neither of you even expected, and the situation has to be dealt with.

It's apparent to me that this is not your first relationship, neither is it the first time you've experienced heart-break, hence I can infer that in this particular relationship, you opted to be "the most perfect girlfriend" you could be, not crowding on him, giving him space, dialoging with him when necessary, being there in his bed, etc, etc.

When you got this info from your source about his indescretions, you tried to approach this in a calm and matured way (this tells me that you are no spring-chicken, and have the ability to exercise the kind of maturity required)

While on the surface of this, this might appear to me the best line of action you may have felt would have guaranteed you a long and healthy relationship, some thing that most women tend to foget is that by nature, women are fundamentally possesive, and no matter how they try to act against this nature it's there inside them, and there's nothing they can do about it..

You are only defending your position in this relationship, and that's to be expected. However, a guy will alway feel he needs his space. To roll with the guys when he wants to, to feel as free as he wants to be, when he feel he has a need to. When he feels that this is being threatened, every cell in his being will revolt against this.

You concluded saying that you feel let down by his abandoning you when you had a breakdown (especially at that time of day) and also by the fact that he hadn't bothered to contact you to let you know what was going on with him, even if he couldn't make it anymore.

If I may be so bold as to offer you some advice, I'd say that you let him be, and truly ask yourself if the loss of your personal self-respect is worth it. Don't write, don't call, don't communicate. If he feels he's lost someting important, he'll come back looking for it. If not, then it's time to move on.

You say you don't want to be hurt, and want to call it quits. As far as I'm concerned, you're already hurt, though you may not just realise it yet. If you had to go to the extent of quesitioning him that deeply about the incident, then the hurt was already there. You may only just be coming to terms with it.

Also, even if he does come back to you, begging and appologising, I believe that it would be better if you guys come clean and declare your stands in the relationship. You may have felt that you were couring for marriage, but does he have the same impression or intention? That was why I asked at the onset whether or not he had proposed to you or if you were there believing that if you could do all that for him, that he would get the picture that you were seriously committed to the relationship for the long-haul.

These things are better made clear from the onset. Waiting for him to propose to you may not be the correct option if it was never his intention to do so.

Lastly, but most importantly, there's one skill or grace you have to request specially from God.. and that is the ability to "let go" If something is not yours, nothing will ever make it yours. Likewise, if something is yours, nothing will ever take it away from you. This is not to say that you shouldn't fight for what is rightfully yours, but that you should be able to know when to call it a day, and move on.

I don't think your friend was out of order to call this to your attention. You on your own may have already sensed or felt that something was amiss in the relationship long before this was brought to your attention. It only would have re-inforced your beliefs. I don't think your friend was being an ... what's the word? Yes, an "adaleru" - a home wrecker or relationship-scatterer. I believe he was only looking out for a friend whom he considered close enough to warrant such.

But on the flip side, do be careful of friends. You never said much about your relationship with him, he may even have his own intentions for you (as in relationship) even if you haven't considered him in that perspective or seen him in that light.

Hope I haven't been unnecessarily pedantic with this, or that it comes across as being too dislocated. I haven't had my morning cup of coffee yet, so my thoughts aren't quite collected. I was rather touched by your situation, and had to offer my two kobo of advice to you.

Saint.

As 50 Cents said in his 21 Questions and i quote

If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see?
And when you asked me about it I said it wasn't me
Would you believe me? Or up and leave me?

Some times we just create things in our minds based on what we are told. Are you very sure, that you are not reading him too much, that all of a sudden you begin to realise every single thing that he does, especially saying some patterns weren't just right?

Since he swore already that it wasn't true, I think that issue should be forgotten already. I think you should work on his recent behavior, not his past, stop linking the past and the present please. It never helps a relationship.

Kenya girl, hello. I have been reading up all your stuff. Let me assure you of 1 thing. Your man loves you. However we are not all of the same specie. D reason y I am saying so , is that coz he was with another woman, don't mean he like her like that... What you have to make him understand is that you can not stand the fact that he is flirting with another woman.... Then see what he says...And work things out, people make mistakes...

Hmn Matrix, are you too sure?
It's a difficult advise oo.
You see me melo.

Again, I appreciate all of the input received. I will take it all into consideration for surely.

Yes I am hurting already, I didn't realize it at first but I am because I've been through so much hurt in my life from many spectrum's. I do look within myself and try to study my patterns so that I don't make the same mistake over and over again.
Some how some way I always end up hurt and I'm tired and my faith is very low right now. I have invested a little under a year with this man and we defined the relationship a while ago but this situation made me want to re define it because I started feeling things before this. I didn't feel as secure anymore for some reason but I had nothing to go off of.

The truth is I already know what's going on. I tried to give the situation the benefit of the doubt and go outside of myself to possibly avoid another break up. Yes I did think this could possibly work if I put more effort forth but I was wrong and I accept that completely. I have no real excuse for putting up with this guy's mess. I have thought about my compromise and yes it bothers me because I have compromised on how I used the principles and yet nothing has changed. I have compromised allot and it hurts because we make sacrafices in order to build things not to be broken down. We live and we learn and there is something from this guy that's tied to me or my patterns that I have not figured out yet so I don't blame this guy completely, this could be just the way he is and I may have just been finding out about it. I make no excuses for any wrong treatment on either of our parts, I could only deal with the truth, learn and try to make better choices. I was trying to hold on to him truthfully because of the security that he usually gives me in almost every aspect. He can never give me what God gives me that's for sure, I just seen it as a good aspect too help support my lackings as there are some area's that I balance him out as well. I have been in a few relationships, one for 5yrs. I have realized my era's within them so I have been trying to grow. It's seems like the more flexible you are the more they try to break your back. I don't get it but I know for sure that I'm really afraid to try it again. I know one day I will have too but for now I just want to be alone for a while again.

My physical beauty has been a curse and a blessing for me. Unfortunately I have seen more of the curse side of it. Because of my physical beauty I get allot of attention and most of their intentions aren't right or haven't been and it hurts because they rarely explore the beauty inside and mosttimes they don't trust me because they think someone of my caliber has got to have a man or married. I'm not blaming myself I'm just recognizing my reality. I have many things going on for myself and I know that, plus on top of that I a very beautiful woman inside and out. I meet men everyday. I could be already married but I choose not because I was always afraid of being hurt again, like now. I understand that all men are not the same but the hurt feels the same. I don't want you guys feeling sorry for me, I am very open to being real with myself and my life situations. I've been through worse than this before. I just can't figure out what exactly am I doing so wrong to keep attracting similar situations.
I am committed in this relationship. I could be seeing many guys at once but I choose one.


I usually don't boast but I consider myself to be a very strong, wise and intelligent, loving, considerate, supportive, compassionate, honest, truthful and balanced woman who has made great stride in my life, especially being an African American growing up in the corrupt society and dysfunctional family. It's been a journey and many of us take this road. I've been through a lot in my life and enough to know right from wrong. By the grace of God I have been able to handle things as they come my way. Sometimes I'm tired of being the strong, mature one who's always willing to look at things inside out and handle the weight. That goes from my family, friends and love life. Sometimes I feel I need a break from this, I've had to be this way since I was very young under 10yrs old. I don't complain I just do the work but I'm tired sometimes.

It has been a journey dealing with him already and truthfully it's too much for me at this point. I believe the best thing for me to do is to pray for strength to walk away and if he's for me then he will be and if he's not then he's not. Easier said than done but I believe the strength will be granted.  Again I truly appreciate the feed back because it has been so helpful to me in keeping key things into perspective and not allowing my emotions to cloud my view. I'm not sure if I will take this guy back if he comes around because when you're hurt badly and let down in some very profound ways it's kind of hard to change your heart back and condition it for the same thing again. I have experienced it already and I have an idea of what it's like.

I don't think I read into him too much, if anything I don't read enough and I let many things go because I try to choose my battles. I'm 28yrs old, I'm not 18 or 20 so I have a pretty good idea of what I want and need and about what's going on. I grew up right in the heart of a ghetto were things are tuff all of the time and you have to always be on guard. I'm am what African American calls a woman who raised herself up from the concrete and made everyone respect her because of her stride. My community looks up to me allot as a source of inspiration. I'm a great woman who tries to lives a very simple life humbly. I'm far from being a dummy, but I have been a sucker for love more than once. This guy just basically needs to be without me so that he is free to live his life without hurting me. I will grant him his freedom from me, hell I need the freedom from the stress of it all. I've have thought about this for 1 month now and it's been hard to decide but the truth always shines through no matter what. I'm a great person and so is he and we just need to go our separate ways. I hope things work out for both of us. I don't know it's late and I'm a little tired so I'm ranting on and on about my life, sorry. I'll be just fine, thanks you guys for being so supportive. I hope I didn't sound arrogant about this, I just read the responses and I had a real tuff night tonight and it has me thinking very hard about my life right now.

I really love this site because of people like yourselves.  Be good everyone and may God continue to bless us all.


Keep moving

woohoo, take it easy my lady!! Life is not that complex. Doors don't close forever .

Besides available guys? what do you think about this?

My physical beauty has been a curse and a blessing for me.

. One more question curse? God is Good, and all the time.

have faith...

In yourself.. In your life.. and most importantly, in your abilities...

Basically... have faith... in YOU ! ! !



Saint..

@ Kenya, you sound to be an intelligent individual. My sincere belief is that if a man makes you cry tears of sadness, as opposed to tears of joy, then he aint worth your love. Its better you move on now, cut your losses and just thank your stars he has shown his true color.

Second, take the lessons you learn from this and use them in life. Communication in any rship is very important. Years ago, I decided no matter what happened to me in a rship, no matter how crazy the fight, never ever let the sun set on your anger. No point having heartaches and stuff. Sort it b4 it sorts you. If it means me having to say sorry just to have peace, then so be it. Love is all about knowing and understanding each other.Communication plays a huge part. No secrets, no dodging about....no hanky panky

No life is not that serious to go into a closet but in life we must try our best to take care of our selves and make better decisions. I'm hurt but not destroyed. These types of things happen and they must be dealt with accordingly. Surely I'm not stressed out, I just want out before I go to other extremes of being stressed, depressed and seriously sad. it's so early in the relationship that I still have time to get myself back on track. Love is love but the heart doesn't always rule the mind. Every relationship has it's ups and downs and all I'm saying is that I have dealt with enough downs already that to tolerate them so soon already is not within my plans. I have faith in myself and for sure God. My faith is low on men, so I'm choosing to take a break before I'm bitter and go into a closet because I know that all men  are not the same. Right now in my life I need peace not madness so I'm willing to walk away for the sake of peace.
I'm going to take a break from him, I think it's the best thing right now before I get pissed and damage myself by being so down, thinking about this stuff all of the time because that's the only time I really feel sad or hurt. I just want to move on so I'll try to stay busy. I have many other things on my plate right now that's much more important.

Maybe curse was not the right word to use. I have just had so much drama because of the physical beauty. Yes God is good all of the time and he is always trying us. It's a beautiful gift from God it just has been mis-used by others. Physical beauty is not the most important aspect of a person. It matters to the beholder but it's not on the top of the charts for me. I am ready to move on and not really give this situation any more of my time right now. I have written allot about it already and it's starting to seem overwhelming to me, which seems to hold me back. Everyday I pick myself up to move ahead and I want to keep it that way. It feels better and It's the right thing to do.

Feel free to post any comments and I willl give feed back if asked.

Thanks everyone.


keep it movin

Kenya, I love your courage now. Just be yourself, respect yourself and study anyone you want to accept as your lover very closely and avoid sex and be sure he's kind a man you need.

Kenya... ..what did u study in school....

Cimonjorr, You've really tried very well.
God will bless you too.

cimonjorr... what u saying

Matrix Urban Education, communications, politics, physiology, human service, Community organizing, Nursing, early childhood education. Maybe more. Thanks Peter because all of the replies helped feed the courage you read about now. All praises are due to Allah, surley

Would these be courses [or subjects as they are more commonly known] or would these be diplomas and professional certifications [or should I have used the word certificate rather?]??

Most of them are courses. I am currently in school for my bachelors in Human Service

which university would that be at ?? [just curious... I hope you don't mind.. ]

Metro state University in Minnesota

cool..

What is the weather there like right now...
And what is the school like.. from the name I guess it must be like down town or in the city center..

Oh so you know a little about Minneapolis, MN? Yes metro state is in st.paul, mn and downtown Minneapolis. I will return this fall at the downtown location. It's cool because it's mostly working adults and they are very flexible. I take night courses so it works with my job. The weather is hot and sticky, It's mostly sticky here because we have so much water. The truth is that in the state of MN the weather is so funny that it could snow at anytime, so you have to be on guard here.

Well... truthfully...

I've never been there.. I've lived in Boston a while ago, hence I can imagine the layout of Minnie... and the "Metro" was a give-away..

The weather being un-predictable.. well, I guess that comes with the territory.. maybe you'd like to visit Nigeria some time..