Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? - Romance - Nairaland
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| Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by teababy1: 4:43pm On May 29, 2011 |
Please I need some good advice. I'm dating this Nigerian man and we have known each other since April 2010 but just started dating each otter officially since march 28, 2011. He just recently Told me that he is married to an American girl but he did it to be able to stay in the U.S. he does not live with this girl, he married her for the papers only. He says that he does not even know where she is. My concern is that. If he does not know where she is how can he go about getting a divorce when he needs to. He tells me that since he is a lawyer he knows how to handle it. He also says that this girl is in her 40's and has a child and a boyfriend. I worried because as a Christian I don't think this is right, let alone it being illegal. Should I be with a man with this kind of character ? Please help!!! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Atreides(f): 4:56pm On May 29, 2011 |
This is tricky. Ideally,people should marry for love alone,but who're we kidding? People get married for all sorts of reasons,and papers are one of them. Is it morally wrong? Probably. Does it happen? Definitely. Does the fact that he'd take vows lightly indicate his views on the institution of marriage? I mean,the fact that he deliberately went into a contract marriage could mean he doesn't really respect the institution of marriage. On the other hand,he could respect marriage and all that good shi.t-he'd just view the marriage as a business. Again we veer into the murky waters of morality, but i can't make any judgements on that. Now here's what i'm most concerned with: I'm assuming this relationship is Long distance,no? Are you really sure he doesn't live with his wife? Which leads to, Are you really sure they don't have some kind of relationship? Next-You're technically dating(well it's really having an affair,however torrid that sounds) with a married man. Are you really okay with that? With committing what technically amounts to adultery(that's if you guys have,y'know,done it)? And then on the other hand,the reason why i(and most people,i imagine) are against affairs/infidelity is because of the loss of trust,hurt,emotional distress,etc etc that the innocent(and sometimes guilty) part feel. But then,this is different. There won't be any emotional hurt or whatever because there were never any emotions involved. Or let's put it this way,how can he cheat on someone he was never in a relationship with? I mean,cheating implies a pre-existing relationship. No relationship,no cheating. And lastly,how long does he have to remain married to her? Is he really going to get a divorce? @topic,would i? I honestly don't know. I mean, March to May's only about three months. I couldn't get that emotionally invested in him in such a short period of time. And even aside that, would i be able to deal with the ethical issues? Probably not. But see,that's the beauty of people-we're all different. I might not be okay with dating a guy like that,but that doesn't mean you,or anyone else won't be. How i feel about it doesn't/shouldn't affect you in the least-you need to be honest with yourself and figure out what YOU feel about it. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 5:58pm On May 29, 2011 |
[size=22pt]Damn. Well said my child.  [/size] |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Atreides(f): 6:01pm On May 29, 2011 |
I have a great momma. She taught me lots of things |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by teababy1: 6:04pm On May 29, 2011 |
Thank you so much for your quick and derailed reply. To answer your questions, no it's not a long distance relationship. He lives about 10 miles away from me. I'm always at his house. He works 70 hours a week. He is able to leave me alone in his apartment until I'm ready to leave. There is no sign if a woman around. He has introduced me to his older brother friends and some of his other close relatives. He tells me that the person he married for papers has a child by someone else and that she has a boyfriend. He says that he can't be with a woman who has a child by someone else, he wants to avoid baby daddy drama. I met his older brother when he came to visit my boyfriends home. As a older wiser man I would think that he would not be happy to see me or welcome me as he did if his little brother, my boyfriend was married, Right? This guys is nice caring, he seems to be honest enough to even tell me when he did not have to even say a word. From what my eyes can see he is not in a relationship with this girl, now what he does with his cell phone is a different story. Many people do marry for papers to be able to stay in the country . Perhaps its a survival thing. Do I count all the good things about him or hang onto this one negative aspect of his life? Do I stay or do I go? |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by ShyOne(f): 6:25pm On May 29, 2011 |
You stay as a gf NOT as a wife You can be removed at any given time. IF he married for papers - he is in the country at his wife's sake per immigration. If he is an attorney and he can handle it. He knows that legally when the spouse is MIA (missing in action) - all he has to do is file for divorce and list it in the local newspaper and she has up to a year (depending on the state law) to respond. You never need the other party around to acquire a divorce. If she doesn't respond, he can be granted a divorce on cause of abandonment. I believe he isn't being forthright and honest. What happens to his visa and ability to remain in the country once he files for divorce? Have you asked him? Mayhap this is a reason he has yet to file for divorce. Will he marry you next---are you his next target----or do you not have papers as well and you are his amour? Will he request that his visa be changed and/or is his visa eligible to be changed to a different status? work, student, temporary, etc. Why are you on NL and you haven't done your research beside observing with your eyes---his surroundings while sleeping in his home? If you are into this person - do your research. My question also, is how did you become involved with a man who involved himself with a woman just for papers? Did she not have a child before he married her? She has a boyfriend, when? After he made it clear to her that he only married her for papers ----- then she went out and got a boyfriend? What order did the baby and the boyfriend arrive? Find that out ---- ask him that question(s) and then find out from her or someone who knows her --- the order of that scenario. It sounds like he uses people for his benefit. What use are you to him? Know your place in his life so you can protect yourself against this "wonderful lover" ---- his wonders sound like they never cease. Once you are gone - how will he explain your existence (if he does) ---- to your replacement? These are the thoughts that would be running through my thought -- if I were in your shoes. Many times family members go along with each others dirty shyt --- so your meeting his brother(s) actually mean nothing. Whether you stay or whether you go----I don't know----that is your call. His story is too involved for me to deal with someone such as he. All I hear is he isn't available to marry----though you occupy his home as though you are his wife. He is having his cake and eating it too. What do you get out of this relationship? Explanations? He has improved your ability to be quite descriptive as you lose your breath explaining him to others everywhere you go. Is that satisfactory for you? At this point in his life ---- He can't occupy a category of boyfriend, fiancee or husband to you. What is he half-man, half-boyfriend, surrogate-husband, lover-to-you and husband-to her? |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by sexylogan(m): 6:35pm On May 29, 2011 |
there's nothing more to be said cuz Atreides and Shy-one has said it all. So, poster, wat hav u decided to do? |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by teababy1: 6:41pm On May 29, 2011 |
You are absolutely right. Thank you for your reply. He says that she had a boyfriend at the time he met her, and also has a child at the time they met . I tried finding out more information on the computer about the issue but have no luck. The other day he asked me where does he stand with me , and what do I think about him, and what can he do to make the relationship better. I never knew he was married for papers he just told me a few days ago. I would like to add that for some reason this sill boy decided to ask me " should I divorce her and marry you" I had no reply for him. As for me I just obtained citizenship. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 6:49pm On May 29, 2011 |
tea_baby1: By all means, I am not judging him or you. I am just pointing out some things that you have shared. On the papers thing, (edited for peace sake) I am going to leave that one alone because I do not want people to get offended and start writing rambling arse posts.  Refer to the red bold. By your own admission, the man is MARRIED regardless if you do not see a woman walking around HIS HOUSE and on HIS BED. You are committing fornication and he is committing adultery. Period. Refer to the green bold. To me that sound like there were a business contract between the two. He knew she had a child and a boyfriend before he married her. As long as there were payments, the woman didn't care who he slept with or where he stayed because there were NO LOVE in it. I am sure he knew of the stipulations before the marriage. If he was honest like you say he was then he would have told you the TRUTH upfront instead of concocted bullshit. Of course, he will not be with a woman he doesn't love and raise a child by another man. DUH.  Refer to the brown bold. Do you really know if this "older brother" is his blood relative? I am sure he was in on it too. Let me break this down for you baby girl, a man of character and morality will not knowingly condone such behavior especially if he is religious. Real talk. The REAL Nigerians and Africans on my side of the world take MARRIAGE extremely serious. Let a family member see their married relative with someone that is not their spouse and see what happens. Those "family meetings" are something you do not want to participate in. I am just saying. My question to you is, how would you feel knowingly sleeping with a married man who married someone for papers if he told another chick the same thing about you? Surely, you are not that desperate you are settling for someone's sloppy seconds. Right? If you decides to stay with him and eventually he get his divorce papers. You better pray that karma doesn't bite you squarely in the arse. What goes around does comes back around.  |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Atreides(f): 7:16pm On May 29, 2011 |
Here's another question for ya: You said you've known him for a year+ and dated him for 3 months,and during that time you didn't know he was married at all,not to talk of being in a contract marriage. Here's another question, if he could lie to you about something so fundamental for OVER A YEAR,then how on earth can you believe ANYTHING he says? Did you have any idea/did you in any way suspect that he was married during that time period? If you didn't,then you have to ask yourself; If he SUCCESSFULLY (yes successfully because you had no idea) lied to you for OVER A YEAR ,how do you know he's not lieing now? Do you honestly want to be in a relationship with someone who's SUCH A GOOD liar? Can you really trust someone who's so good at lieing he completely deceived you for over a year? The ball is in your court. P.s-I'm not really familiar with all the teeny details of contract marriages and obtaining papers,but isn't a contract marriage supposed to last a year in the states? Hasn't it been more than a year(april 10 to may 11?) Or did he marry her after he met you? |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 7:30pm On May 29, 2011 |
Atreides: Depending on what type of visa he obtained. "Green card" is a permie resident card and social security card is a citizenship card. He would have to maintain his GREEN CARD for five years before he can apply for citizenship and as long as he is a permie he can be deported if the government chooses to do so. He will continue to commit adultery until it is time for him to use his "lawyer" skills for his benefit.  Here is the link. http://www.visaus.com/citizen.html |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 7:49pm On May 29, 2011 |
One more thing Tea Baby, if he applies for citizenship after his five years of "probation" and goes before his interview with the Immies the "missing" woman must show up as well. One of the questions the interviewer would ask why did you filed for divorce only after five years and he better have a legitimate reason to avoid denial. Do you want to take a risk on a man that can potentially be deported? In America, divorce decrees are not given out like breast milk to babies. It is faster to get married but slow to get divorced. It may take years before he will see a divorce decree lawyer or not. You also said that you have obtained your citizenship recently, take heed baby girl. I wonder if he asked before you was naturalized or after. Hmm. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 7:54pm On May 29, 2011 |
@poster is his name [size=3pt]Amefi[/size]?  looooooooooooooooooooooool! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 7:56pm On May 29, 2011 |
You are so wrong!  MzDarkSkin: |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 7:56pm On May 29, 2011 |
LOL! Come on sis! Now you know! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by teababy1: 7:59pm On May 29, 2011 |
Thank you all sooo much I'm reading everything you guys tell me. I actually just told him that we can't be together anymore because of this situation , although , he begged I stood my ground and he has not called back since then. To answer your question, he asked to after getting my citizenship. Good looking out all of you I really do appreciate it. Now I'm single, but atleast safe. Now my next question is where can I find a good God fearing Christian besides church? Lol |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 8:01pm On May 29, 2011 |
MzDarkSkin:[size=2pt]I been knew that. [/size] |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 8:05pm On May 29, 2011 |
Why after I responded to Mz. Darkskin and a link on the bottom of the site in bold print, "If you are scheduled for deportation, go to www.deportationprevention.com WTF. Is that link for real?  Seun, who do you have as your advertisers because some of these advertisers need their arses whooped.  Good thinking Tea Baby. You deserve someone that is not attached and has no baggage. A good man will come your way and you just have to be patient. Good things comes to those who wait on God. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 8:06pm On May 29, 2011 |
^^ LMAO ^^ Chima tell me why that person's picture was the first thing I thought of when I read what you just posted? @the poster sorry for derailing your thread sweet heart. let me just say that i think you should take it easy with this guy. Any one that can use another person is not necessarily someone that i'd trust my heart with even if it were a mutual agreement (marriage for status). i can guarantee s3x was involved or feelings on one or both parties. it may not be the case but if i were you i would make sure he is with me FOR ME before we take it to the next level. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 8:11pm On May 29, 2011 |
MzDarkSkin: His picture online? |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 8:13pm On May 29, 2011 |
lol im talking about "mr.chima" |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 8:21pm On May 29, 2011 |
Hmm. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 9:02pm On May 29, 2011 |
:d :d |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 9:06pm On May 29, 2011 |
GIRL, A MAN DIDNT TELL YOU HE WAS MARRIED THROUGHOUT THE PERIOD YOU WERE "TALKING", AND TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE MARRIED HER FOR PAPERS. AND YOU'RE STILL THINKING ABOUT STAYING WITH HIM. CHEIII!!! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by teababy1: 1:04am On May 30, 2011 |
@ Mrs. Chima I'm sorry for the typo I'm using my IPhone. I meant to type in thanks for your detailed message not your derailing message. Again sorry for the typo I really appreciate your advice. Thanks hun! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 4:15am On May 30, 2011 |
tea_baby1: Lol. It is cool. For once I stayed on topic! If anybody saved this text, I will deny it! You are welcome. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by 190: 12:14pm On May 30, 2011 |
But there is Nothing wrong in him getting married for papers U better stick with him, else na hunger go finish you |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by iice(f): 12:26pm On May 30, 2011 |
He sounds shady. |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 5:20pm On May 30, 2011 |
Mrs, Chima: Saved!  |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by MrsChima1(f): 10:52pm On May 30, 2011 |
iice: (purring against Iice's legs) See I stayed on topic! Shady isn't even the right word! MzDarkSkin: You just lost your bag of original skittles! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by Nobody: 11:40pm On May 30, 2011 |
Mrs, Chima:  don't be that way!!! |
| Re: Would You Dump Your Boyfriend If He Is Married To Someone Just For Papers? by amefi(m): 2:11pm On Jun 01, 2011 |
MzDarkSkin: This guul, u no go kill person oooo. lol. |
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