So I'm an AA female who is dating a Naija guy and we've had a mostly smooth, fun relationship. I like him and want it to work but at the same time have many question marks about his true intentions towards me. His career keeps him quite busy and he is super hard-working but he always makes time for me. He's only been here a few years and claims that he has his green card.

I have some reasons to think it wouldn't be out of this world to find out that he does have a girlfriend or wife back home or is hiding something else from me because he does travel back home 3-4 times per year, and I know he was in a relationship with someone last year. He tells me his trips home are for business. I already told him that if things get really serious I would not accept him traveling back home that frequently - without me - so that he needs to bear that in mind if he wants be with me.

He has no problems bringing me around his friends, and I've met a few family members so far who were cordial/polite towards me. He has family members that will be visiting in a few months and he says that he's told them about me and wants me to meet them. When I ask him if he really is hiding something from me in terms of having a girl back home, he gets a bit upset and keeps inviting me to come visit and see for myself what he does when he goes home. I don't feel comfortable yet to just hop on a plane and visit by myself.

Does meeting the whole family give me any reason to feel more secure about his intentions? When a guy is after a green card or something is it common for the whole family to be in on it - does it matter if they are devout Christians? Do you think he would offer up to bring me back home if he had anything to hide now?

I really hate stereotypes but you hear lots of horror stories. What are the best ways to find out if he is being truthful?

You are on the wrong forum sweetie: prepare for a heartbreak.

If you truly value your relationship, I will advice you to delete this thread as soon as you can.

Every relationship is a risk . . dont base yours on other people's (saddists') experiences.

Take this from a married man in the United States.

You  really need to chill out. He sounds real to me because it is rare for a guy looking for Green card to introduce you to his family. Your distrust of him might also be clouding your judgement as you don't want to believe that he is for real

Why the Nigeria guy always?People always take a Nigerian to be a scammer, thief or a green card hunter. Oh. . . God please help Nigeria

kokoye:

You are on the wrong forum sweetie: prepare for a heartbreak.

If you truly value your relationship, I will advice you to delete this thread as soon as you can.

Every relationship is a risk . . dont base yours on other people's (saddists') experiences.

Take this from a married man in the United States.

Not basing my relationship on others experiences but just having a good think about it and considering all factors so I can make informed decisions.

desertboom:

Why the Nigeria guy always?People always take a Nigerian to be a scammer, thief or a green card hunter. Oh. . . God please help Nigeria

Really where he is from is not that relevant, if there is some truth to it, it could happen in any culture,

You won't find answers here. If you really want to know, you have to go to Nigeria with him.

Btw ask him to show u his green card so you can stop saying he "claims to have it" like if he's lying or something.

yes we will tear your heart to pieces before book a cardiologist on time, u wan carry us play , u neva jam , u think say u don jam mugu ,boy boy wey u go dey command dey kick around like football . abeg free am , naija chicks plenty wey dey find husband abi husband don finish for ur place

desertboom:

Why the Nigeria guy always?

good question.

And why do they come to NL?

Mynd_44:

And why do they come to NL?

Could it be that it's because NL is a Nigerian forum with Nigerians and they want to know about Nigerians?

could also be they're all fake or sneaky?

I have been on Nairaland for 5years now and I've also read alot of post/comment by foreigners. The average European or American thought is always; Can I trust him? Is he out for my Green card? I think he's a fraud/scammer? I can't trust him because he's a Nigerian. Even if the foreigner claim to love you he/she will also think of the above mentioned @poster. No offense intended Just trying to state some fact. Please, love your man and forget about hearsay and media propaganda. Good luck. . . .

Nigerian guys are now becoming hot cake in the dating business. I think its is high time our government start exporting more guys to American and Europe as a source of foreign exchange :d

Really just ask him to show you his green card that should clear the air. Just do not go asking him like the police.

^^^
You seem to be missing the point. The bases of every relationship is trust and she does not trust this guy.

desertboom:

I have been on Nairaland for 5years now and I've also read alot of post/comment by foreigners. The average European or American thought is always; Can I trust him? Is he out for my Green card? I think he's a fraud/scammer? I can't trust him because he's a Nigerian. Even if the foreigner claim to love you he/she will also think of the above mentioned @poster. No offense intended Just trying to state some fact. Please, love your man and forget about hearsay and media propaganda. Good luck. . . .

It's not that I want to have doubts, why would I want to allow the seeds of doubt to creep into my mind? What normal person would want to be in that position? I would prefer if it's either black or white. Either he is being truthful or he isn't. Unfortunately I'm stuck in the gray. I would be happy if I didn't have any reasons to question his motives. But the fact of the matter is that I do, and I'm aware that something about his story isn't quite right. It is not just because of stereotypes, nor do I think every Nigerian man is out for a green card or is a scammer.

smootheb:

[color=#770077][/color]

It's not that I want to have doubts, why would I want to allow the seeds of doubt to creep into my mind? What normal person would want to be in that position? I would prefer if it's either black or white. Either he is being truthful or he isn't. Unfortunately I'm stuck in the gray. I would be happy if I didn't have any reasons to question his motives. But the fact of the matter is that I do, and I'm aware that something about his story isn't quite right. It is not just because of stereotypes, nor do I think every Nigerian man is out for a green card or is a scammer.

life is a risk - you are into this already, have faith he's for real. . . .and if he isn't, life goes on.
no one can be truly sure of what he/she is getting into. we all take risks.

OKKK, so the real reason I don't know if I can trust him is because I found out that a few years ago when he visited home a woman apparently put something funny in his drink that caused him to pass out and when he woke up he was in bed with her, didn't remember anything about the night before or how he got there. Fast forward a few months, the girl claimed to be pregnant with his child. The girls parents and his parents forced him to "marry" the woman, but it wasn't a "legal" marriage because he refused to do so until he found out the paternity of the baby. So the marriage was just to save face. To make a long story short, he found out a short while later that the girl was lying about the whole thing because she lost the baby and confessed what she had done. Then he supposedly got whatever marriage ceremony or whatever he went through annulled.

Now is it just me or does this sound like a great plot for a movie?  

For the record I love Nigerian people and culture and I don't like following such stereotypes, for the same reason I don't like when African or Caribbean people have stereotypes about me because I'm a southern African American female, cannot believe the buffoonery that you see on BET.

smootheb:

OKKK, so the real reason I don't know if I can trust him is because I found out that a few years ago when he visited home a woman apparently put something funny in his drink that caused him to pass out and when he woke up he was in bed with her, didn't remember anything about the night before or how he got there. Fast forward a few months, the girl claimed to be pregnant with his child. The girls parents and his parents forced him to "marry" the woman, but it wasn't a "legal" marriage because he refused to do so until he found out the paternity of the baby. So the marriage was just to save face. To make a long story short, he found out a short while later that the girl was lying about the whole thing because she lost the baby and confessed what she had done. Then he supposedly got whatever marriage ceremony or whatever he went through annulled.

Now is it just me or does this sound like a great plot for a movie?  

nice script for nollywood, I hope Jim Iyke will play lead role

smootheb:

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It's not that I want to have doubts, why would I want to allow the seeds of doubt to creep into my mind? What normal person would want to be in that position? I would prefer if it's either black or white. Either he is being truthful or he isn't. Unfortunately I'm stuck in the gray. I would be happy if I didn't have any reasons to question his motives. But the fact of the matter is that I do, and I'm aware that something about his story isn't quite right. It is not just because of stereotypes, nor do I think every Nigerian man is out for a green card or is a scammer.

Please, get real with yourself. You claim you don't have seeds of doubt in your mind and yet you desperately want to believe he's hiding something from you (even though he has repeatedly asked you to come with him to Africa). You even used the words "[color=#990000]he claims to have a green card". . . WHAT DA HELL WAZ DAT? Do you think people on this forum are so dumb that we can't decipher the mudslinging messages you are getting across?

@Smootheb

You already made your decision on this by not trusting him. . . your relationship is going nowhere I'm afraid.
And I'm not implying that he's cheating, but you already signed and sealed your judgement on him.

Come on . . . 'He's only been here a few years and [b]claims [/b]that he has his green card.' . . . like seriously??
You don't even trust him on the most basic thing, and no you don't hate stereotypes, if you did you won't be on a Nigerian website on sum CIA ish.

smootheb:

OKKK, so the real reason I don't know if I can trust him is because I found out that a few years ago when he visited home a woman apparently put something funny in his drink that caused him to pass out and when he woke up he was in bed with her, didn't remember anything about the night before or how he got there. Fast forward a few months, the girl claimed to be pregnant with his child. The girls parents and his parents forced him to "marry" the woman, but it wasn't a "legal" marriage because he refused to do so until he found out the paternity of the baby. So the marriage was just to save face. To make a long story short, he found out a short while later that the girl was lying about the whole thing because she lost the baby and confessed what she had done. Then he supposedly got whatever marriage ceremony or whatever he went through annulled.

Now is it just me or does this sound like a great plot for a movie?  

This indeed is a funny story. you have a right to your doubts,, we'er all humans. However, you're in the best position to know your man, i assume you've been with him long enough to know when he's not being straight forward. Following him to Nigeria to meet his family for a two day visit won't clear anything. If he's covering anything up it'll be difficult to unravel it. I'm afraid the option you have, in my opinion, is to seat the guy down probably after coming to Nigeria with him (at least to show him that you're ready to go all the way with him) and tell him your fears, tell him the story he told you about his sham marriage didn't quite go down well with you etc.
You just have to take his word for it.

The guy actually invited you to come home and meet his people, girl that is a big deal and a guy who wants pappers would do that

Mynd_44:

The guy actually invited you to come home and meet his people, girl that is a big deal and a guy who wants pappers would do that

I agree with you and that's why I'm asking. Really for all of those who have replied on this thread who are offended by the question and think that I'm implying that all Nigerian men are scammers I'm sorry and I know it might seem offensive. But there are only a few things that could give me a greater sense of security in this whole situation and meeting his family could be one of them so I would like to know how big a deal that is.

Not being all that familiar with the culture, I'm just curious as to whether people think the family could/would be willing and capable of covering up for him. If it is acceptable to force someone into sham marriage, just to "save face" to me that is quite deceptive, maybe not as deceptive as lying about being married but still pretty shady.

But before the naysayers on this thread start jumping up and down, again I'm not saying that all Nigerian men are bad, or that this type of stuff doesn't happen in other cultures. I have plenty of male family members who are straight up dogs and terrible husbands to their wives. There are bad apples in every bunch.

smootheb:

[color=#770077][/color]

I agree with you and that's why I'm asking. Really for all of those who have replied on this thread who are offended by the question and think that I'm implying that all Nigerian men are scammers I'm sorry and I know it might seem offensive. But there are only a few things that could give me a greater sense of security in this whole situation and meeting his family could be one of them so I would like to know how big a deal that is.

Not being all that familiar with the culture, I'm just curious as to whether people think the family could/would be willing and capable of covering up for him. If it is acceptable to force someone into sham marriage, just to "save face" to me that is quite deceptive, maybe not as deceptive as lying about being married but still pretty shady.

But before the naysayers on this thread start jumping up and down, again I'm not saying that all Nigerian men are bad, or that this type of stuff doesn't happen in other cultures. I have plenty of male family members who are straight up dogs and terrible husbands to their wives. There are bad apples in every bunch.

i really dunno what you are trying to achieve here. . . . . .you want people of this forum to help you ascertain whether your man is a fraud or real?
how would they know when it's obvious there are good people and bad people. we could all say your man is a fraud and we could be wrong saying it. by the same token, we could say your boyfriend is an angel whereas he is trying to scam you.

the truth is your findings have no answer until you see things for yourself. relationship is a risk. you are either stay in it till the end with faith or back off now before your fingers get burnt.

AA girl- - - as in blood group? *frown*

Lets be sincere to ourselves, there are bad eggs among the white men likewise among the blacks
or Nigerians, why should all these white ladies think Nigerian are scammers or liers? there are bad men even
among the white men themselves, nobody can decide for you, you are the one to have a deep thought,
call your man ask him again for the last time, to tell the the truth he has been hiding for you,
but for somebody who wants you to come to africa to meet his family and see for youselves, i dont think
he has anything to hide, but if he once had a relationship, if you go with him, you can request to go to registry
together and confirm ,
if he intends travelling home and hes ready to take u along on every trip, i dont think hes hiding from you,
only Nigerians have been labelled and people find it hard to trust,
if you truely love him, keep your love life going, and time will tell, but dont let anyone decide for you,
people with bitter experience will always give you wrong advice

REALITY101:

AA girl- - - as in blood group? *frown*

LOL, umm African-American dear

What's African American? A kind of food?