I read in a magazine about a couple who adopted a son when he was just one year and some months. The child grew up to the age of 24 thinking the couple were his biological parents. But after graduating from the university, the couple thought it was wise to sit the child down and tell him the truth and they did just that. Surprisingly the young man ran out of the house crying and upset that they lied to him all these years and they should tell him who his real parents are. For months now the adopted son has not been himself and vows to go and search for his real parents. Now i ask, was it wrong for the couple to tell him the truth or was it the timing that was wrong? Or perhaps they should have let him go down the grave without knowing the truth. When exactly do you think is the best time to disclose such sensitive secret?

is this the yorugbo described by ezeagu here:



https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-721357.0.html

I believe an adopted child should know from the beginning. I naturally talk about their birth to my kids, if I adopted a child I would also naturally talk about the way they joined the family. If adoptive parents are not comfortable with that truth themselves, I wonder why they go on and adopt a child.

I think that's one of the fears adopted parents have which makes them reciticent on broaching the subject to their adopted children. But me, I dont know why a child, who was raised in a loving home, would all of a sudden become angry at thier adopted parents when they know the truth and then try to locate their biological parents. To be honest, I have heard such instances on several occasions, and as you know, the topic is a very delicate one. I grew up in nigeria where the topic is treated with sensitivity and secrecy that when I moved out here, I was shocked by the candor and openness it was discussed in public. People would be telling you that they were adopted and so on, and I would like "Are they going to run away, or shouldnt they parents have concealed it from them? Dont blame me, I grew up in a culture that treated such conversations in a very secret manner.

REad this discourse I posted earlier.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-614005.0.html

Telling a child who he/she is, is not really a bad idea but i would prefer to let the child be because telling him could make him not to feel comfortable among other members of the family.

When he or she is old enough to handle "the truth".

To make it easy for the child, i would advise u start early, so as to avoid unnecessary surprises or heart breaks. How u treat the child after they understand they are adopted would determine how they react to you, u must accept that u have to be really really patient with the child.

Remember if u don't tell them, someone else might tell them and that would be the worst scenario.

I think the best time to tell him is when he was young. He will grow up with the truth and appreciate you for taking care of him and making him a part of the family.

If you could not tell him then, you better let the truth enter the grave with you.

My neigbour adopted a child at birth and she's 17yrs now, she knows she's an adopted child and everytime her mother corrects, disiplines or rebukes her, she packs a bag and says she's going to look for her real parents and this hurts me, how much more the mother.
I honestly dont know if and when they should be told

@topic. Exactly when the child is 7 yrs old. But then, it has to be done TACTICALLY. Not the type of " Hey boy, do u know we adopted u ? Your real mother was a bit.ch ! She dumped u beside a wastebin so we had pick u up from the motherless home so as to give u the best, ok " U have to bring up an occasion for it and u have to make him feel loved. Infact, if u need a full lecture on how to do it, call me on , , oh i forgot i dont have a phone ¤ lol cture on how to do it, call me on , , oh i forgot i dont have a phone ¤ lol

These are all the reasons why I don't support adoption.

looking at the story of the poster and the story in the reply from Odunu, I've to say the best time is old enough to handle the truth. Telling the child when he's like 7 or 9 years is not the best. It's possible with some/many children it may go down well, but also with many children, it may lead to severe phycological disturbance which starts subtly and gradually becomes serious. It can also leads to depression. The way children think are very funny. He may tell some of his freinds and they start giving him stupid advise.

The parent the poster talked about had done the right thing. The age they told him is about the right time. A wrong time will be when the guy is an adult; in his thirties, married, already has kids etc. A 24 year old is a young adult.

Concerning the reaction of the boy, I can only conclude he's one of those over-pampered spineless spoilt boy, possibly of rich parents. Otherwise I dont see any sense or need for his course of action. Yes, he should be shocked, overwhelmed, flabbergasted. All these should wear out in a few days, and that is leftover should be gratuitude to God and his parents that he has turned out better than even those have their biological parents.id advise.

The parent the poster talked about had done the right thing. The age they told him is about the right time. A wrong time will be when the guy is an adult; in his thirties, married, already has kids etc. A 24 year old is a young adult.

Concerning the reaction of the boy, I can only conclude he's one of those over-pampered spineless spoilt boy, possibly of rich parents. Otherwise I dont see any sense or need for his course of action. Yes, he should be shocked, overwhelmed, flabbergasted. All these should wear out in a few days, and that is leftover should be gratuitude to God and his parents that he has turned out better than even those have their biological parents.

I think the only time to tell the truth is when he/she been adopted has attained to Age, age i mean is at achieving his/her potentials.

He/She will better understand why and How you adopted him/her

Let him/her know as early as possible one.[b] but not your children until [/b]they all grown up (mature) mayb be married sef. When they have their own family and they know what it is to handle a family.

My people!!!
Una dey hear me now!!!!!
Hope una dey listen wella!!!

I ve looked at the whole scene,its beter wen u wanna adopt a child u do it in such a way that no body, i mean no fucking body wil knw accept u and ur partner. U migth claim she got pregnant and flew overseas to give birth.
With this u wouldnt need to tell the child about d adoption and no one else will. Becos no danm fucking time is okay to tell the child. Jst belly the truth and every one wil be happy and good together.
SOME TRUTHS ARE BETTER NOT TOLD, Copy that!!!!

I think there was no better time to tell dat young man, if is just being childish, though it was painful, if should av taken it as a man nd be gratefull to God.

When he/she is strong enof to take it in!

i quite agree wit ofido on dis esppecially in our own society but if in case of abroad then the child should be told atleast before he's 10yrs of age.

yes,is good for every child to know his or her parents,as for the adopted once i will advice when the child is mature a enough to stand any thing,that is the best time for them to know.
www.geomelgroup.com

The Nigerian society remain largely negative on adoption and I believe this is the reason why 'parents' choose to not inform adoptees of their background. In Western societies, the candour and openness with which this subject is treated makes it easy for all parties.

I personally believe that an adopted child should be told once they are adolescents but I also believe that the child's status should remain between the three parties, especially if they are domiciled in Nigeria. Extended family members, neighbours etc can be callous about this sort of thing and the resulting emotional and mental trauma can be daunting.

In the case of this young man, I think he's just being childish and shallow. As another poster said, an initial shock is expected but he should get on with life with his parents.

when he/she is mature to handle the case

@Ofido, you took the words right out of my mouth. Never ever let anyone know you are adopting a child in Nigeria, its never a good idea. We are still under the impression that a woman who can not have her own child is to be mocked. Infertility, is such a hard thing to deal with, add to that snooping relatives and an ungratefull adoptee. No. Not a good idea. Pretend! Pretend! Pretend! Or if the couple has enough cash, and the cause of infertility has nothing to do with the mans swimmers and the womans egss, opt for 'GESTATIONAL SURRROGACY', that way you have your own biological child.

the boy is a stupid and ungrateful child. if he had been allowed to die at tender age will remember is biological parents. rather be grateful to parents that nurtured him. EWU, GOAT, OMOLELE to ba gbe won si ori bed won ajabo si ile.

All you people who believe that the boy should not be told that he was adopted until he is at least 21. How would you feel if you foundout tomorrow that you yourself was adopted? Would you all be very happy that you were told the news when you were 21 or probably 31? I
Don't you think it would have been better that you were told when you were still young like 4 or 5 years old when your mind would fonda it easier to handle such new

why would u break such news to a child that is not emotionally stable to handle it. let the child know when he is mature enough not when you think you've brainwashed him well enough for him to accept it anyway, people handle the truths in different ways, he ran away doesnt mean he wont come back, he prolly just needed time to think and if he didnt come back maybe it was because he was looking for an excuse to break out anyway

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when u think hes old enuff (and if u feel he has d rite 2 knoe)

fynewaka:

These are all the reasons why I don't support adoption.

Sweet I hope lyf will b good 2 u & not make u consider adoption as an option ok?

Right 4rm day one I say. If u make it such a big deal, it will bcome a hydra n ur family & if d child n question is surrounded with luv, care, peace & a stable environment wit d knowledge dat he/she is treated like any oda member of d family, d last tin such a child will do is scorn his/her family. Watz d big deal wit adoption? I tire 4 Naijas oh! wit orishirishi children every where looking for s.one who will love dem unconditionally.  My sister just adopted a beautiful baby girl & we see her as a very big blessing from God ( infact our lives revolve around her ) & once she is able 2 understand d meaning of adoption, her parents intend 2 tell her she is. Its not a secret anyway cos every body from the church 2 our family friends know dat ( cos we all made d decision & fu(k anybody who tinks oda wise cos when d shoe was pinching us, dey didnt feel d pain wit us ) & dey all envy d baby cos of d way we shower luv on her!
People will always talk so let dem talk. As for d young man n question, he is ungrateful. Am not saying cos he was adopted, he owes his adopted parents more gratitude dan his biological ones BT d bottom line is dat dey nurtured u & luved u. Look for ur parents if u wish bt dnt scorn d ones dat God used in molding u.

Most adopting parents would love to tell the adoptee about his origin, but of course the children always end uo heartbroken and always seeking their biological parents, this situation leaves the parents heartbroken and they go back to square one of delaing with the pain of childlesness. Sometimes, especially in a Coountry like ours, its best to shut your mouth and pretend the child is yours. adopting is a good idea, but i still insist that if the rich infertile couple in this country is aware of the ease and simplicity of having their own biological child through GESTATIONAL SURROGACY in India and Ulraine, they will prefer that option.

Its sad that the Nigerian culture still holds a lot of reservations when it comes to adopting children and so parents will always prefer to hide that fact from their adopted children and deal with it much later if it ever comes out,

My mentality about adoption is so different now after staying in these zones for a while now especially with the fact that my boss has an adopted son who he loves to death. He adopted his son as a baby and I asked him if his son knows he is adopted. His son is 3 years old now but he said his son knows he is adopted. The adoption agencies even advice its better the parents are as open about it as possible. I totally agree with that and in my opinion as soon as the kid is able to understand, that kid should know he is adopted. My boss treats his son so well and he doesn't hide it to anyone that he adopted him.

Adoption is a regular process here. Infact most of my coworkers have adopted kids and some even went as far as china to adopt kids. It is not a shameful thing here to adopt but its infact seen as an act of kindness and very noble rather than a stigma of infertility on the couples. Hence I know a lot of couples who are close to me that have their biological children but still went ahead to genuinely adopt other children because a lot of these kids may not grow up to have a better life otherwise.