lol this is a handful

Diving aint easy

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear.

He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

I didn’t know it was my wife

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."

"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.

"At the roadside," the guy gasps."

Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place."

"Be my guest," the guy says.

So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife."

The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize she’s ur wife

"Looking at the woman, the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Billy goes naked…………


One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"

Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.

Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."

"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.

Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town, "

Fall behind the line

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

I wish………….

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
* * *
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
* * *
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
* * *
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
* * *
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
* * *
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
* * *
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
* * *
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
* * *
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
* * *
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.

Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.

Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens,

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
* * *
Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!
* * *
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!

Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!

Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!

Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!

Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!

Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!

Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.

Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.

Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.

Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!

• THINGS NOT SAY WHEN PULLED OVER BY A COP

I only had one officer Mr. Keg.
• Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
• Want to race to the station, Sparky?
• I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
• On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
• You'll never get those cuffs on me, You Pussy!
• Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
• Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
• How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
• Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
• I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
• Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
• I was trying to keep up with traffic.
• You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
• "Lets do it different this time, I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
• Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
• Aren't you one of the Village People?
• Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

meeeeeen where de hell ar u from,nice n crazy jokes keep it coming.

My broda na naija dem born me oh. Check ma profile if u wanna know abt me.

its good to know that people out there enjoy the jokes

Yeah Yeah we know you were born in naija some date in May somtimes in the 70ies

U dey craze oh. U wey bin dey drag notbook with Jesus

tell me your experience dragging eve with adam

@ituen

u don totally kolo!
nice jokes

High wage

The manager is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notes that the fellow has never worked in a retail before.

“for a man with no experience,” says he, “you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

“well sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when u don’t know what you are doing…”

Ituen
you no dey sleep, since mornng
What do you eat self, i

Guy na person connection i dey use so i dey utilize am. will soon go into hibernation soon for about 2 mnths

Accounting interview

Rick, fresh out of school, went for an interview in an accounting firm for a good paying job. The company boss asked him, “what is three times seven?”

“22,” Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview) and realized he wouldn’t get the job.

About 2 weeks later, he got a letter that he was hired for the job. He was happy but still curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job even though he failed such a simple question.

The boss shrugged and said, “well you were the closest to the answer”

ituen:

will soon go into hibernation soon for about 2 mnths

ah pls no go oo, i will pay for your connection guy
have sent the check , just check your email


[size=1pt]but note it is a dud check[/size]

ENJOy

Animal behaviour

They say that animal behaviour can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

Fake man, U fax me letter with stamp on it

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so, would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window, they're choking my ducks!"

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out. The minister recognized the young man as one whom he had married a couple of months before.

As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"

"Certainly not," replied the preacher.

"Well, in that case, could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Very funny that's what i'm talking 'bout.

Yea Ituen, keep all 16 cylinders of yours firing

Yeah keep it coming