D prev 2 are on point but dis last one is just pointless.

Yr 1

the girl gets into the university with the feeling that she has arrived. Everyboy toasts her. She starts singing "Should I say yes, Should I say nooo"

Yr 2

She is the talk of the campus and every guy want to have a ball with her. She feels on top of the world. She starts singing "Lets go dancing, oo la la la"

Yr 3

She has been used and dumped by campus boys. She sees them as flirts and players. She starts singing "It musta been love, but its over now"

Yr 4

She decided to attend church and forget about worldly things. A guy attempts to razzle he, She sings "I'm married to Jesus, satan leave me alone"

Yr 5

She has seen a dedicated fiancee. She sings "It shall be permanent, It shall be permanent, what the Lord has for me, IT shall be permanent"

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Tufe decided he needed a woman to enjoy it
with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass
and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Tufe, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

Three guys were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

Never marry a Software Testing girl since she always doubts You.
Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never marry a UNIX girl, she always dump u with a CORE.
Never marry a PASCAL girl, she always scolds u as rascal.
Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

PIDGIN VERSION OF PSALM 23

1. e Lord is mai shepherd I dey kamkpe

2.He make mi sidon for where betta dey flow Come put
me next to stream make mai bodi Thermacool.

3.He panel beat mai soul come spray am white, come dey lead
me dey go through express road of righteousness for sake of Hin name.

4.Walahi!, if I waka pass where arm robber, 419 and juju people borku,
come even join okada reach valley of the shadow of death sef, mai bodi
dey inside cloth. Your rod and staff nko? Na so them dey back like bone dey
comfort me.

5.You don prepare Banga and starch make I chop. All mai enemies
dey look anyaa. You rub me for head wit Vaseline Intensive Lotion.
Mai cup na Ogunpa wey come overflow.

6.True true, betta life and mercy go come mai back till I quench.
And man go tanda for God house sotey sotey from Lai lai to lai lai.

GOD ALMIGHTY, NA YOU BIKO.
AMIN!

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!"

"No. You had your chance." A minute later the boy screamed "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"


"No. You had your chance.


Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."

"Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"

An experiment is carried out in a room. Twelve boys are placed at one end of the room and twelve girls at the other. Every two minutes, both sides walk half the distance between them. If you don't understand, after two minutes both sides walk 1/2 the distance, after four 1/4 etc.

A group of professionals are brought into the room and asked how long it would take for both sides to meet.

"Never," says the mathematician.
"In an infinite amount of time," says the physicist.
"Well, er, " says the engineer, scratching his head. "After about twenty minutes they should be close enough for all practical purposes."

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

lol iteun

nice jokes keep up the good wrk

ure smiling?

for him mind now,he don try

@Clem

Thanks for the compliment

removes the headphones and hands it to saucekid

saucekid listens to the music playing wit an astonished expression on his face

_{music by fela: basket mouth don start to leak again oh}

ituen
u dey mad

correct were

saucekid:

ituen
u dey mad

thats wat any1 wld say after listening for 2hrs to Fela's hardcore Afrobeat

101 Things Not To Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead,

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time, right? Person 2: Yeah, today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober,

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth,

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth,

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel,

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow,

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really, I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you,

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that pre-intimacy is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered,
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession,

65. I was so Hot tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about,

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like, Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper,

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses,

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise,

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

"How to Keep a Woman Happy"

It's not difficult ?
All you have to do is to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

. . . . WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

. . . .AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

. . . . IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY!!! :
1. Leave him in peace
2. Feed him well.
3. Let him have the remote control.


Men , what a demanding creature !!!!!!!

Exams are what 'real' grown-ups use to occupy all those aged between 5 and 25. As soon as children start school, they are given reading tests, maths quizzes and spelling checks. Throughout primary school, their ability is constantly monitored with a variety of in-school exams. Then at a certain age they get exams to tell them if they're clever enough to go to a grammar school, quickly followed by real life qualification exams. Then, slap bang wallop after that, another load of exams are thrown at them. If they've not been put off by all of that (and the last set of exams are good enough), they get to spend three more years getting a degree (which is determined by yet another exam).

So why all the exams? Perhaps it's just another way of keeping kids busy and, hopefully, off the streets. It can also be looked at as a form of toughening for young minds: if you can survive your first 25 years of life, you can survive almost anything that it throws at you after that.

Doctor's Jokes

Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'


2)
Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: If you aim it well enough.


3)
Patient: 'Doctor, doctor! I've just swallowed a whole sheep.'
Doctor: 'How do you feel?'
Patient: 'Quite baa-d.'


4)
Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.'


5)
Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.'
Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?'
Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.'


6)
Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?'
Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'


7)
Patient: 'Doctor, have you got anything for my liver?'
Doctor: 'What about some onions?'



Patient: 'Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?'
Doctor: 'What about a bicycle pump?'


9)
Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.'


10)
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Doctor Jokes

1)
'Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a spoon.'
'Sit down and don't stir.'


2)
'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.'
'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'
'No - only pink striped crocodiles.'


3)
Patient: 'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better?'
Doctor: 'Well, let's put it this way - none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.'


4)
Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.'
Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.'
Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?'


5)
The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'
Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'


6)
Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'
Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'


7)
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."



A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shy! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Doctor Jokes

1)
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin
after the operation?"
"Yes, of course, "
"Great! I never could before!"


2)
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in
two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."


3)
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a
razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you
done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."


4)
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just
can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"


5)
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumb. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."


6)
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife
is pregnant, and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!


7)
A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid sfor medical care.

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the
same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but
we have to keep up to date with new models
coming every year."



The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in
my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed.

"What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and
then double-billed the insurance company."


9)
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C.-Here, eat this root.

1000 B.C -That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D.-That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat
this root!


10)
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after
having been operated: "I'm afraid
we're going to have to operate you again.
Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay
for them if you just leave me alone

nice , but doctors don suffer for ur hand sha

Thanks man, but them don fu<k up of recent too much

Doctor jokes

1)
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."


2)
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"


3)
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in
his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."?


4)
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.


5)
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.


6)
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."


7)
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."
If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.



A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."


9)
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


10)
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her
sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say
that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

Doctor jokes

1)
Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.


2)
Q: What is a double-blind study?
A: Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.


3)
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A2: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.


4)
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!


5)
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.


6)
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"


7)
You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if,

your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.

you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain. you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.

you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here." you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?" you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".

your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"



You Might Be an E.R. Volunteer if,

your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden. you have delusions of being an emergency doctor. the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.

you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you'r some kind of a freak.

your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the ass that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"

your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat. your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.

your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
you have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over
by a portable X-ray machine.


9)
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A2: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.

A3: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A4: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

A5: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
A6: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.



10)
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hamm, green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound, might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

Doctor jokes

1)
When I asked my doctor to give me something to sharpen my appetite he just gave
me a razor blade.


2)
When I told the doctor's receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she
told me to get the end of the cue.


3)
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!'

The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. Y ou'll just have to be a little patient."


4)
I tried to follow my doctor's advice and give up smoking cigarettes and try chewing
gum instead - but the matches kept getting stuck and the gum wouldn't light.


5)
'Doctor, doctor! How can I get this ugly mole off my face?'
'Get your dog to chase it back into its hole.'


6)
Before I went off to India for my summer holidays I asked my doctor how I could
avoid getting a disease from biting insects. He just told me not to bite any.


7)
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.

Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."


Last week my friend, Mabel, was feeling terribly ill so her husband 'phoned the doctor's surgery.
'I'm afraid the doctor is busy until 10am Thursday,' said the receptionist.

'But that's three days away! My wife is terribly ill,' pleaded Mabel's husband. 'What if she's dead by then?'

'Well,' replied the receptionist, you can always 'phone and cancel the appointment.'


9)
Worried patient: 'Doctor, I'm very worried. I'm still suffering from exhaustion and fatigue when I come home from work every evening.'

Doctor: 'Oh, that's nothing to worry about. Just have a few drinks before your dinner - that will soon wake you up.'

Patient: 'Thanks very much, doctor! But when I consulted you before, you told me to
cut out drinking alcohol completely.'

Doctor: 'Yes, so I did. But that was last week, old chap - and medical science has progressed enormously since then.'


10)
Yesterday I was in the doctor's waiting room and I heard a ninety-six-year-old man pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.

Surely you're imagining things,' said the doctor. 'You're ninety-six years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?'

'Yes,' replied the elderly man, 'that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good.'

come guy, wetin be ya own na.

you go provole me and cuteness ooo.

oya, e don do.

Doctor jokes

1)
What did the vampire doctor shout out in his waiting room?
'Necks please!'


2)
Patient: 'Doctor, I want to stop pulling funny faces.'
Doctor: 'Why?'
Patient: 'Because the ugly people don't like it when I pull their faces.'


3)
When my mother-in-law went to the doctor and complained that her nose runs and her feet smell,
he said: 'I'm not surprised. You were made upside down.'


4)
This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife's sinus trouble.
Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me 'sign us' for this, 'sign us' for that.


5)
'Doctor, doctor! My small son has just swallowed a roll of film.'
'Don't worry. Let him rest a bit and we'll wait and see what develops.'


6)
Since I had treatment by a private doctor I've lost five kilos in weight.
The doctor's bill was so enormous I've been unable to afford to buy any food to eat.


7)
While I was in the doctor's waiting room there was this tiny man only about six inches tall.
Although he was there before me, he let me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.



Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.

'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.'

'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your treatment I've just inherited five million pounds.'


9)
The woman went to see the doctor. She had a large flower growing out of the top of her head.

The doctor looked at the flower and said: 'That is quite remarkable.

I've never seen anything like that before. But I'll soon cut it off.' 'Cut it off?' snapped the woman.

'I don't want the flower cut off. I just want it treated against greenfly.'


10)
A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while.

Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand. especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex, and almost always, the headache is immediately gone.
Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS!

I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Still on doctor jokes

1)
'Doctor, doctor! I feel like a piano.'
'Then I'd better take some notes.'


2)
Patient: 'Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.'
Doctor: 'Would you like an apple or a banana?'


3)
'Doctor, doctor! Can you help me? My tongue keeps sticking out.'
'That's good. Now, if you can just lick these stamps, '


4)
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


5)
Q: Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
A: So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!!!!


6)
I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down.
'Why do you feel that?' he asked.
'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tyre marks on my legs.'


7)
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!



When the young man was being examined by the doctor he was asked: 'Does it burn when you pee in the toilet?'

'I don't know,' replied the young man, 'I don't think I'd dare hold a match to it.'


9)
When the doctor came to visit my aunt Claudette my aunt said: 'Doctor, I hope you're going to tell me that I'm very ill.'

The doctor looked at my aunt said: 'But why? Don't you want me to say you're very healthy?'
'No,' replied aunt Claudette. 'I feel absolutely terrible.

And I don't want to feel like this if I'm healthy. But I'm sure you can make me better.'


10)
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven, but only for 2 days."

Still on doctors

1)
Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
A: Her way of not getting pregnant.


2)
Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'

Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'


3)
Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
Patient: 'Which doctor?'
Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.'


4)
Hospital consultant: 'The woman in that bed is the love of my life.'

Matron: 'Then why haven't you married her?'
Hospital consultant: 'I can't afford to - she's a private patient.'


5)
The doctor took his patient into the room and said,

"I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."


6)
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."


7)
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life.

Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."



A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store.

Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off.

After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began
to suspect fraud.

To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.

Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby - get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

I like doctors

1)
The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."


2)
Travis goes to the doctor and tells the doctor" I c-c-can't s-s-stop s-s-stuttering".
the doctor checks him over and says "the problem is your dick is to big and it's
pulling down on your vocal cord and causing you to stutter. the way to fix it is to
cut half of it off". Travis says "w-w-whatever it t-t-takes".

Six weeks later Travis goes back to the doctor and says" I don't stutter anymore but
wife and girlfriend left me. I want you to put it back on". the doctor said" F-F-Bleep y-y-you".


3)
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders
ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!'

The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'


4)
Three surgeons were discussing which types of patients they preferred to operate on. Doctor Waters said, "I prefer librarians. All of their organs are alphabetized."

Doctor Franklin replied, "I prefer mathematicians because all of their organs are numbered."

Lastly, Doctor Zang responded, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable."


5)
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."


6)
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."


7)
The doctor had just finished examining the very attractive young girl.

Doctor: 'Have you been going out with men, Miss Jones?'

Miss Jones: 'Oh. no, doctor, never!'

Doctor: 'Are you quite sure? Bearing in mind that I've now examined the sample

you sent, do you still say you've never had anything to do with men?'

Miss Jones: 'Quite sure, doctor. Can I go now?'

Doctor: 'No.'

Miss Jones: 'But why not?'

Doctor: 'Because, Miss Jones, I'm awaiting the arrival of the Three Wise Men.'



A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, Doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing.

Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law.

It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on, "

Mrs. Johnson yells, "STEVEN! Dad's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


9)
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor.

"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

*gives up*