It aint my fault tufe

Grandma

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools.

Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently.

I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'

'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'

The doctor fell down dead with shock

Doctors again
1)
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.

The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."


2)
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


3)
Just as a surgeon was finishing an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that!

I'll close my own incision!" The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."


4)
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingies."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Shoot, there go the lights again, "
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"


5)
"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."

"Blink once for 'yes'".
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"

"Why is there a tag on his toe?"
"Do you think he can hear us?"

"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anesthesia.

Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before, nurse!"

"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down. It'll make a great 'ER' script."

6)
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off.

In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median.

The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral?

I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say,

'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


7)
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"



A man had been feeling sick for quite some time and finally decided to see a doctor.

The doctor came out and told the patient that he has some bad news to share.
"You are going to die," he said.

"When will I die?" the patient asked.

"Ten," the doctor replied.

The patient, wondering, asked, "Ten what? Years, months, days , ? Tell me doc,
I gotta know."

"Nine," the doctor said.


9)
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd,

pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right Honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."





10)
Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on
top of it. Top, under, top, under, you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "We'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Save water.
Shower with your friend.

Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife can spend.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop,
"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

Ralph Klein was cleaning his office, when he found a lamp. He then rubbed it and a genie appeared. The genie said, "You have three wishes that I will grant you."
He first wishes for a cold can of beer.
Poof!! A can of beer appears.
He then wished that he could be on a tropical island, surrounded by young and beautiful women.
Poof!! He was on a tropical island, surrounded by young and beautiful women.
Then he thought, wow this is great! He then wishes he never has to work again.
Poof!! He's back in his office.

ituen, your jokes are really tight, but why dont you start other threads with the jokes. there are just too many here.

Because if i do it, I may have many threads and it may not look nice. Imagine one page of jokes with my name on it. THIS IS created so that all the replies can be done on one page rather than u having to reply every single thread i post. Think abt it.

If i think a joke is special, i den post it as a separate joke.

Thanks for the compliment.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm,

1. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
3. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
4. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
5. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
6. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
7. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
8. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
13. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
14. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
15. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
16. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Signs you may be a Canadian

1. You stand in "line-ups" not lines.
2. You're not offended by the tem, "Homo Milk".
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a napkin, I just spilled my poutine".
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp,eh!!".
8. You can drink legally while still a teen.
9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
12. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has ever had sex and don't want to know if he has!
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
16. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
18. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".

Experts agree that anyone going hiking should always carry a survival kit in case they get lost. What the experts do not tell you is that the single most important item you should pack in your survival kit is an ordinary deck of cards.
Should you ever get lost, do not panic. Simply find a relatively flat spot, get your deck of cards out, and start playing solitaire. Before you know it, someone will be looking over your shoulder telling you to put that black four on the red five ,

A blonde walks into a store and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No," says the man, "You may not."
So the next day she dyes her hair blue and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No," says the man, "You may not."
So the next day she disguises as a Grandma and says, "Can I buy that TV?"
"No," says the man, "I told you yesterday, the day before, and last week. By the way, that's a microwave."

One day, three couples were out for dinner. They were all sitting around the table and when their food came, the smartest guy thought I should tell my wife something sweet. He thought, 'I'll have coffee so I will say pass me the sugar, Sugar,' and so he did.
One of the other guys sitting around the table thought that was pretty nifty, so he said, "Can you pass me the honey, Honey?"
His wife was very happy at his remark.
The third guy sitting there was thinking and thinking of something to say to his wife. He thought, 'I need some more tea,' and so he said to his wife, "Can you pass me the tea, Bag?"

ituen:

Experts agree that anyone going hiking should always carry a survival kit in case they get lost. What the experts do not tell you is that the single most important item you should pack in your survival kit is an ordinary deck of cards.
Should you ever get lost, do not panic. Simply find a relatively flat spot, get your deck of cards out, and start playing solitaire. Before you know it, someone will be looking over your shoulder telling you to put that black four on the red five ,

i dont get it

@Dj

abroad, guys love gambling a lot and are attracted. Actually, the location of the hiking is in Las Vegas. I may have overedited the joke

aiight, keep up the good work

Thanks bro Tufe. Hp all is well at ur end

There was a mama mouse and three baby mice. One day the mama mouse said to her children, "You're old enough to go get your own food."
So the three mice set off and returned shortly. Mama says to her first child, "What kind of cheese did you bring me?"
He said, "Cheddar cheese!"
She asked, "How do you know it is cheddar?"
He replied, "Cause it's orange."
"Very good," she said, so she asked the second child, "What kind of cheese did you bring me?"
He replied, "Mozza cheese!"
She asked, "And how do you know that it's mozza cheese?"
He said, "It's white and you use it on pizza!"
"Very good," she said, and then she asked her third child, "What kind of cheese did you bring me?"
He replied, "Nacho cheese!"
She said, "Nacho cheese? How do you know that it's nacho cheese?"
He said, "Cause the restaurant that I took it from, a guy came chasing after me screaming 'That's nacho cheese!

Hint: Nacho - Not ur

Today in the Stockmarket


Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

laffin my yansh off

Make u no take style mess oh

The forum go smell well well

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

A Catholic priest and nun were traveling together back from a mission when their vehicle broke down. Well, they had no choice but to walk to the nearest town for help. They didn't reach the town until late at night, so, they decided to stay at a hotel until morning when they could go back to their vehicle. There was only enough money left in their budget for one room though, so they only got one room. The two decided that the nun would sleep on the couch and the priest would take the bed. The two settled down in their places.
After a few minutes the nun said to the priest, "Father, I am cold."
So the priest got her a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later the nun came back to the priest and once again said, " Father, I am still cold."
So the priest got up and got her another blanket.
Once again, the nun lay down and she said, "Father, I am still cold. I think that, considering the circumstances, God wouldn't mind us acting as husband and wife for one night."
"You're right," the priest said, "you go get yourself your own blanket!"

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed
this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a
Pakistani accent say,

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them,

"I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man,
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded
to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years
--raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.

9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get bleeped up when they're on their back.

16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their bleeped.

17. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

19. Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

22. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go
down on you.

24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.

29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

31. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.

32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

38. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

40. Q: What do blondes do for pre-intimacy?
A: Remove their underwear.

41. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

42. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in
effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

More Blonde jokes

51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

59. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.

64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name?
A4: Who were all those guys?

65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.

75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie', that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

78. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"

79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
wrapper.

90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

99. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

Still blondes

101. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball

102. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.

103. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

104. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

105. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

106. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

107. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.

109. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

110. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

111. Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

112. Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

113. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

114. Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.

115. Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Bleep All,

116. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

117. Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

118. Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

119. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A3: Two, one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

120. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

121. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

122. Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N, ah, oh well,
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea, "

123. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

124. Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

125. Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

126. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

127. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

128. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

129. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

130. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

131. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"

132. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

133. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

134. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

135. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

136. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a
television.

137. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

138. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

139. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".

140. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

142. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

143. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

144. Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

145. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

146. Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

147. Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.

148. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

149. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

150. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

blonde ohhhhh

151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.

152. Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

153. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

154. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

155. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

156. Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

157. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.

158. Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

159. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.

160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.

161. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.

162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

163. Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.

164. Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

165. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

166. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.

167. Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last Mouth Gig.

168. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?

169. Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

170. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

171. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

172. Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

173. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

174. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.

175. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

176. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

177. Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

178. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

179. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

180. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

181. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.

182. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

183. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

184. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

185. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

186. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

188. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

189. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde
drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!

191. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

192. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom, screech, varoom, screech,
varoom, screech, ?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing
red light.

195. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.


196. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

197. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

198. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her
forehead.

199. Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".

200. Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

Razzling methods

He:l am a photographer.l have been loking for a face like yours?
She:l am a plastic surgeon .l have been looking for a face like yours

He:hi,didnt we go for a date once?or was it twice?
She:must have been once.l never make the same mistake twice!

He:How did you get so beautiful
She:l must have been given your share of looks

He:Your face must turn a few heads
She:And your face must turn a few stomachs

He:l think l could make you very happy
She:Why?are you leaving?

He:Can l have your name?
She:Why?dont you have one already?

He:Where have u been all my life?
She:Hiding from you

He:Hvent l seen you some place before?
She:Yes,thats why l dont go there anymore

He:Where have you been all my life?
She:Where l will be the rest of your life-in your wildest dreams!