kambili190:

Hello Sauer,

I am neither searching for another Nigerian nor rejecting any of them. I am simply not thinking of what nationality my next boyfriend should be. I will have my eyes wide open before I enter any other relationship in the future. From what I have learned, I can only say that I want a person with values, Christian values. And it is true that an atheist can have stronger values than a person who goes to church.

I agree with you when you say that we have a free will to some extent but not completely. That is true. However, if the system in Nigeria is so bad, what about the religious influence? I don't get that this does not hold some people back from doing evil. My boyfriend's house was decorated with pictures of Jesus. There was a Bible next to his bed which he read frequently. So how is it possible this "bad" system has so much influence but his religion doesn't? I don't understand how you can give in to bad but the positive aspect in your society, namley the strong belief in the Lord does not influence you?

Ohh, GOD bless your intellect!!!!! You have all figured out enough to be ready for a solid relationship and God will make it happen for you in His time. I am happy to read this perspective.

God bless

@Sammy: I agree, we have a personal responsibility. We can't be blamed for the fact that the world is as it is but we can be blamed if we keep it up like that. Every day, when we wake up, we have a choice to do good or evil. everyone and everywhere.

sauer:

I really have no idea what point you are trying to make. If you read carefully, you'd see I wasn't painting no Nigerian bad. Neither was I making racist comments. To me, you appear quite superficial and have only made do with what you saw on the surface. Next time, try making efforts to actually "read between the lines" ( that idiom wasn't just for idioms' sake).
That said, I maintain that the Nigerian society has considerably shaped Nigerians such that some of their own innocent actions might as well appear to debase universal values. It is often until they migrate that they see how "unsocially" (in other contexts and other societies now) they actually are.
There are of course Nigerians of high integrity. . .but I won't be surprised to learn that a number of them originally come from well-to-do homes or got lucky with honest, caring parents so that the societal heat was tempered with some dose of parental warmness. Or perhaps, they started out dishonest when the going was tough and only later, after scoring some achievements, saw reasons to put on garbs of honesty and integrity.
This is my point. And I do see enough people-examples to believe it's totally right!

@Sauer
No Baby it wasn't your comments I referred to as racist comments, it was that of somebody else that was abusing the lady with racial slurs which you yourself also objected to in one of your posts here.

I understand your angle of some Nigerians being moulded by the Nigerian society and like the young lady clearheadedly commented too, we have the choice to allow the society move us or not. I only disagreed with the part you said that he is only being a Nigerian. Several Nigerians are celebrated on CNN, several Nigerians are doing good to others. There is no rule that designated Nigerians as heartbreakers, liars, manipulators, cheaters, heartless and all the other bad attributes that Kamibili mentioned her ex exhibited. It is only Nigerians that chose to be like that that are like that

iice:

@Sammy.

I appreciate your comments too.
It was a pleasure really.  Atleast you didn't prove stereotypical with you responses lol.

I'm all for responsibility but how many people actually take responsibilities for their actions?   How many actually think for themselves?
Part of our responsibility is to point the problems in our society and try to encourage new growth. 

Thanks

kambili190:

@Sammy: I agree, we have a personal responsibility. We can't be blamed for the fact that the world is as it is but we can be blamed if we keep it up like that. Every day, when we wake up, we have a choice to do good or evil. everyone and everywhere.

God bless

Offcourse, I am not offering any guarantees but it could as well happen for you on this site!

Sammy79:

Find that really hilarious!!!

Sauer and iice, I rest my case with you guys with the my last submission, is Sauer doing a law degree or something?

Nah, Sammy! Sauer aint doing no law degree. If it's from my writing, then hold Hegel, Nietzsche and the host of german Dichter and Denker responsible!  . If not, then let it pass. . . .

Sammy79:


I agree that a system is very powerful with the seemingly unresistable pressure for wealth and other grievous temptations. We can as well attribute the law of cause and effect to some problems peculiar to the Nigerian system. You have mentioned all of these and they are correct. In terms of moral decadence it is not getting any better in the world as a whole. However, it takes having the Spirit of God in-dwelling the life of someone to fight and overcome a system and that is why Jesus said 'you live in the world but not of the world'. This gift of God is freely available for those who believe in Jesus Christ and at the end of the day neither God nor system will be blamed if they reject the offer of this gift that could increasingly make one a better person in a corrupt world.


Now if you do not share my religious views, its fine but that is my position. But if you do, look at this way: when we are done on this earth and called to account for how we lived our lives, do you think the GREAT judge (God) will take systems into consideration no matter how ingrained they might have been to influence our actions and decisions? I think not. Rather we will be judged on the basis of the His word and if we received the gift He extended to us or not. Simply meaning  that at what point do we take responsibility for our actions without pointing to the system?

Having said this, I appreciate your comments and iice's

God bless

Okay. . .your comments are very sensible. Only I just learn to divorce my own arguments from God, the Bible and from Christianity. Since the poster appears to be a serious christian though, I wonder if my comments can count for something.
I still maintain that societies can play such a huge factor in what we decide or what we turn out to be. One could very well argue that Jung's collective consciousness is something fundamentally greater than Freud's individual consciousness. Only the collective is subtle and its effect crawls upon us in so little steps that we are unaware it is all over us. I bet God, on judgement day, would be willing to consider by how much our individual societies have affected us. One could start a thread on why a Finn has better chances of "making heaven" than a Nigerian does, if only because of the different societies they live in!

kambili190:

I agree with you when you say that we have a free will to some extent but not completely. That is true. However, if the system in Nigeria is so bad, what about the religious influence? I don't get that this does not hold some people back from doing evil. My boyfriend's house was decorated with pictures of Jesus. There was a Bible next to his bed which he read frequently. So how is it possible this "bad" system has so much influence but his religion doesn't? I don't understand how you can give in to bad but the positive aspect in your society, namley the strong belief in the Lord does not influence you?

That, friend, is really not such a mystery. I find it completely unsurprising that it baffles you. It's understandable; you are not Nigerian. Ask a Nigerian, and all you'll get is a shrug. . . .and maybe a nod, then a walk past! Oh my, it's so normal.
I was the translator when a german woman visited her son in Nigeria recently. After the religious woman stayed two weeks in the country, she could only make one remark, "how is it that Nigerians exhibit such corrupt tendencies in spite of their religious outlook of life?" She found it strange that airport officials demanded bribes, but are quick to mention "Jesus!" She couldn't understand why her daugther-in-law (a NIgerian woman) would spend hours at church, only to come home and cause little trouble here and there!
Of course, she couldn't have understood. But I bet Nigerians all do. Therein, sammy, lies that "societal difference!" 

Ivynwa:

@Sauer
No Baby it wasn't your comments I referred to as racist comments, it was that of somebody else that was abusing the lady with racial slurs which you yourself also objected to in one of your posts here.

I understand your angle of some Nigerians being moulded by the Nigerian society and like the young lady clearheadedly commented too, we have the choice to allow the society move us or not. I only disagreed with the part you said that he is only being a Nigerian. Several Nigerians are celebrated on CNN, several Nigerians are doing good to others. There is no rule that designated Nigerians as heartbreakers, liars, manipulators, cheaters, heartless and all the other bad attributes that Kamibili mentioned her ex exhibited. It is only Nigerians that chose to be like that that are like that

okay then. . .thanks

Sauer,if I was to answer u then I would be stooping down to your level
I don't have time to start elaborating the details of what I meant and I don't care if u want to protect or smother d silly eastern european NaughtyWoman dats your own biz

@sauer: you're not only well informed on psychology, you're funny too. thank you for the witty conversation and the knowledge you shared with us.

OP dis nigerian man wey u dey talk abt na naira land member?

iice:

What questions?

People period are questionable.  So you make do with what you understand and let go of what you may never understand.

Frankly you're confused.  You can clearly see things that don't agree with you and all this 'goes to church with me thing' is just .  Just because you stand in a garage doesn't make you a car. . .  You think 'reality' but practice 'fantasy'. 

I hope in the end you actually found yourself.

You beat me to it again! Arrgh! I was going to say something similar to that but GBAM!

Kambill

Pardon me if I sound like a detective, but I find some of the things that you have shared contradicting or it could be lost in translation. 

You have expressed your experience with a man stating that you have questions, labeling all of the negative aspects of your relationship with a Nigerian man. As Saucer said, typically Nigerians will defend themselves and their people even if what you are saying is accurate, however I find some dishonesty in your write-up. 

You signed up on December 30, 2011 and your first thread is a rant thread about your recent sorrow of a man that took advantage of you and you have hit rock bottom realizing that you are milked dry and you wanted to come on a forum to "warn" non-Nigerian women, who may be in your situation of Nigerian men. 

It is typical for women and men of any kind to express anger and frustration of their partner when they are scorned especially on a public forum.  You were aware of this individual that you have invested your time with knowing of his illegal activities and multiple partners. 

What I didn't get was you stated that although you are not looking for any specific race of men and that you have learned from your experience but yet felt the need to write an expose of a man who happens to be Nigerian.  You stated that this was your first "African" encounter, but is this your only experience with a black man in your 20 plus years of living?   Did you not have any negative experience with non-black men and created an expose on a public forum about them? 

You said that your boyfriend was a decorated Christian, (that's what we in the States call fake Christians or those who are Christians by necessity) and tote around religious phrases dousing people with urine holy water.  It doesn't make him a Christian and by the fruit he bears determine the sweetness or sourness of his feed.  Just remember even a wolf can imitate a sheep and you saw signs that weren't "sheep-like" and still maintained a relationship with him. 

You are responsible for who you bring into your life and what happens if the next man you meet and mistreats you, would you do an expose on him?   Would the title be, "My Experience with a Jewish Man"?

I am not by any means defending anyone, but I am an advocate of people being honest and truthful about the things they share on a public forum.  You are not required to expose your life on Nairaland for future reference.

hmmmmMMMMMmm. . .

Dear Ms Chima,

first of all, thank you for your opinion. I appreciate it.

I haven’t come on this forum to accuse Nigerians. Even though, they tend to have a quite bad reputation here for some reasons. I am not saying that Nigerians are bad by nature or anything similar. I have just come to share my experience, talk things over, learn and understand more. And the conversation has helped me a lot so far.

However, I have not signed in TO WARN ANY WOMEN, NIGERIAN OR NON-NIGERIAN! My purpose is a different one and I have already explained it ^^ See, people tried to warn me not to interfere with Nigerians living in Germany but I wouldn’t listen. When I met my boyfriend I also read some really terrible stories that happened between Nigerian men and European women but I didn’t care. So why would any woman listen to me now? Apart from this, who am I to judge all Nigerian men?

BUT you’re intelligent enough to have noticed the title of this thread: “My experience with a Nigerian man …” And you are right, I wouldn’t write “My experience with a Jewish man” Blame on me. And I understand that some people get angry about it. True enough I am not a child and I have had some experience before. But honestly, in my whole life I have never ever been treated like this. This is BY FAR the worst experience I had with a man. And he happens to be Nigerian.

BUT you’re also right when you say that it is me who made this choice. And I thank you for this so much. I am to blame to not have ended it when I discovered his illegal activities. I tried to excuse it. I tried to excuse this fact by telling myself that without education he has no other choice to provide for his family in Africa. Any legal job that he would do in Germany without having a proper education would just bring him enough money to feed himself and nobody else.

I didn’t know he had multiple partners. This is something I discovered at the end and then I quit this relationship. At least I did this.
I am not here to expose Nigerian men or women. If I wanted to do this, then there would be better places than a Nigerian forum. I am here to talk to you people to help me understand whatever there is to understand. And I have made the right choice. Many of you, also you Ms Chima, have already helped me a lot. I am responsible for who I bring into my life!! God help me make a wise decision next time.

Kambili:

You go to church, "they are known by their acts."   This too you know and you have read and heard come from the mouth of your pastor.

You have listed your lover's acts - ALL OF THEM

Church (attends with you because YOU ATTEND - had you not shown up - he would still be awol [desertion] from church)
Cheater
Good Father (son by a white woman)
Deadbeat Dad (girl by a black woman)
Illegal/Immoral Employment
Exploiter of women (he is living in your home using it as his new abode and base of operation)
Family Affair (He has brought his two-bit, big-spending, user of a sister - to leech from you and he is OK with this, but he claims he loves you)

****Now here is the kicker to this wonderful love story.

All of the above actions are NOW YOURS, because you continue to house him, continue to love him, continue to stay with him and come on NL, looking for affirmation to the obvious answer glaring and slapping you directly in your face.

Dear, really be honest with yourself.  You know we can't tell you anything.  That is why you have been upset with him, you upset with yourself.

You can cut your losses and move forward, you will have great job soon.  The little you have done for him and for her will pale by example to what you will be bringing into your home.  You can find someone with a winning personality, a fantastic-noteworthy piece of d, ick that you will be able to write home about, who will attend church with you, have legal employment and truly bring adoration to your table for you and for himself.  The current one isn't worth introducing to anyone.  So he sat in the pew next to you in church.  That reminds me of someone who has joined a conversation by sitting in a chair situated within a group setting but is texting nonstop on their cellphone.  They have just gone through the motions - they gave facetime - but their grade will reflect the lack of effort or attention they are giving to the subject.  But they have high marks with the person on the other line.

Your guy has high marks with his sister, he can support her greedy, selfish backside
Your guy has high marks with his son (The African Man Has Produced a Son and by a White Woman of German Descent, Hip Hip Hooray)
Your guy has high marks with being able to cover his a.zz (jumps from woman to woman to have a place to hide and lay out)

What do you have?  Stress, misery, aiding and abetting, your home and all of your activities could be under surveillance at this very moment, you are jeopardizing your freedom for someone who cares very little for you, do you have unprotected sex with this love of your life?  God forbid you receive an STD as gift for your labor.  The least of my worries if I were in your situation, would be to ask NL "questions re: your experience."  You are looking at trees when you are ensnared in a forest of molehills that are primed and ready to explode into mountains that will BURY YOU.

Do you have any more questions?  I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE you to get inquisitive with the right questions AND DO IT in YOUR MIRROR, such as, "What kind of fool am I?  Why is Stu.pid stamped on my forehead?  I am on the ground lying prone while my man is kicking me repeatedly, why is my self-esteem this low?  I go to church and God clearly tells me what is and is not acceptable but I refuse to listen, why is that? 

I wish you luck and heartily pray that you will immediately get some resolutions going on in this 2012 so that your video has you screaming with joy versus the gnashing of teeth that is and will continue to occur the longer it takes you to replace that Beelzebub shape changer who resides in your home.  (he goes to church, that makes everything else right huh?)

You will eventually be what you eat, keep eating him and you will turn out just like him.  Then you will wake up hating men, especially Africans, you will dismiss the whole continent, but you on your own are continuing to like him, love him and phuck him, yet you are very much aware of him in all of his tarnished glory.

hello shy - one,

thank you for your reply! your honest, straight-forward reply. i admire and appreciate it.
to be honest, i also went on this forum to assure myself of the existence of some honest, straight forward, sophisticated Nigerians because it seems in Germany we have none of them and I don't want to be left with the sole impression of this Nigerian man, havin any subconscious concepts about Nigerians that result from this relationship. Don't get me wrong, pls. I am not that stupid to overgeneralise but I was so curious how you people woul react to this story and I am so happy that I was right that his behavious is not a cultural matter but a matter of a "misbuilt" moral and personalíty.

I just want to inform you that I am not together with this man. I split a long time ago and refused to go bck to him, even when he was begging or trying to manipulate me by telling me that a strong woman does not leave her man for cheating. I remember him telling me how much stronger African women are because they stay with their man no matter what. And whoooooo, here we go, no African female tells me to accept infedility. No African woman recommends that I accept his criminal deeds.

Concerning the questions you suggest I should ask myself: Yes, I have finally done so. I was a fool and I promised myself to grow smarter.

By the way, he did not live in my flat. He had a flat of his own. Still has. And it will remain like that.

One more time: Thank you for talking me into reason. Even though, I have known this all before, I needed to hear it again and again.

Dear Kambilli,

You are a mess! I think your priority at the moment should be getting YOUR life back together so that you can meet a man that actually loves you. The Nigerian guy never loved you and never will. You were a distraction and I wouldn't be completely surprised if he had a REAL wife somewhere in Nigeria. Just let it go, nothing in this relationship is worth salvaging. Chalk it up as a terrible mistake. Learn from it and move on, as quickly as possible. Good luck!

Ps - next time a Nigerian man approaches you, double and triple check all the facts. Look for red flags in his history (a leopard can't get rid of its spots).

@kambilli
Sorry for your bad experience but quite frankly this man's behaviour has nothing to do with him being Nigerian or more specifically he is mere a bad man who happens to be Nigerian. In other words yoi will find people of all nationalities who exhibit these same traits.

If you are seeking for any peculiar nigerian thing that turns out men this way I assure you that you will not find it because there is none. Every nationality has its share of crooks and romantic casanovas.

I believe your strength has already shown through and you don't need anyone to tell you that you have done well in separating from him.

What you need is to focus on your passions and goals. Allow yourself some time to heal and then get back on the horse but for now do not date anybody. I am of the opinion that there are no ugly women so no matter your looks you will get some nice.

Take care and God watch over you.

moremi2008:

Dear Kambilli,

You are a mess! I think your priority at the moment should be getting YOUR life back together so that you can meet a man that actually loves you. The Nigerian guy never loved you and never will. You were a distraction and I wouldn't be completely surprised if he had a REAL wife somewhere in Nigeria. Just let it go, nothing in this relationship is worth salvaging. Chalk it up as a terrible mistake. Learn from it and move on, as quickly as possible. Good luck!

Ps - next time a Nigerian man approaches you, double and triple check all the facts. Look for red flags in his history (a leopard can't get rid of its spots).

Short, simple, and straight to the point. Only a magician can change the leopard's spots.

Lord_Reed:

@kambilli
Sorry for your bad experience but quite frankly this man's behaviour has nothing to do with him being Nigerian or more specifically he is mere a bad man who happens to be Nigerian. In other words yoi will find people of all nationalities who exhibit these same traits.

If you are seeking for any peculiar nigerian thing that turns out men this way I assure you that you will not find it because there is none. Every nationality has its share of crooks and romantic casanovas.

I believe your strength has already shown through and you don't need anyone to tell you that you have done well in separating from him.

What you need is to focus on your passions and goals. Allow yourself some time to heal and then get back on the horse but for now do not date anybody. I am of the opinion that there are no ugly women so no matter your looks you will get some nice.

Take care and God watch over you.

That's true and wish everyone take that to heart.

hi poster

move on with your life. i had a similar experience 14 years ago. nigerian, involved in illegal business, church goer, really nice, compasionate, affectionate,etc. but it didn't work, because the love of money was bigger than the love for God.

this people, and by people i don't mean nigerans or men, but people that are involved in illegal matters, will never do what is right. they can't.  their mind is so confused that they will call what is wrong like being good. they even pray to God, so their bad ways to be succesful.

so, just forget and forgive yourself( that was the hardest part for me) and move on with your life. is hard, but is possible and i'm the living proof.

now i'm married to a nigeran man, even there are some differences, believe me, good men are not finished. 


blessings

hi desirel

you're right, they even pray to God to help them in doing evil.

thank you very much for your response!

happy for you, you found the right one.

my best wishes to you!

OP is ur boyfriend a member of the igbo mafia?

my ex ,

he is igbo, yes!

kambili190:

my ex ,

he is igbo, yes!

no wonder
Igbo guys before they travel abroad their parents must marry them off with a village girl in their village.This is very compulsory and that is why many igbo men married abroad have wives at home back in their village.I know this igbo guy living in wales and married to a welsh woman.He has two kids with this welsh woman but already has three wives back home in his village with eight kids but he tells his welsh wife that she is the only woman he loves

After all, I would not be surprised to discover that my ex has a wife at home.

But I know that he took his new girlfriend to Nigeria last year to attend a wedding. I am wondering if his new girlfriend (she is African but not Nigerian) got to know his wife or not?

Funny, these people are Christian and have multiple wives. Contradiciton! I am waiting for the judgement day and can't expect it. We are all sinners but these people are obsessed.

lefulefu:

no wonder
Igbo guys before they travel abroad their parents must marry them off with a village girl in their village.This is very compulsory and that is why many igbo men married abroad have wives at home back in their village.I know this igbo guy living in wales and married to a welsh woman.He has two kids with this welsh woman but already has three wives back home in his village with eight kids but he tells his welsh wife that she is the only woman he loves

There are no grounds for such claim. That you know one who did doesn't mean all did.

hei kambili190,

thank you for your wishes.

about you your situation, you cannot change the past, but you can influence the present and change the future.

you had a bad relationship, and thanks God that you are healthy and nothing wrong happend to you.  apparently  the guy liked you, and didn't use you for his evil business.

i heard so many stories of girls used in traffic(gold, drugs- you name it) and they do this because they love the guy. and the love is there as long the business is good, not when the things are bad. some of this ladies are in jail, some are dead, or with serios emotional problems.

you are angry? you are entilted to be, because of his behavior and it is another step one they to get better and recover from this nightmare.  but don't stay to much in this emotional state, and move further. As Chrisitan you know that your life and destiny is in God's hands. Let Him to heal you and to help you to forgive and forget everything. Your self-worth and value are not depending of a man. You are valuble in God's eyes, that's way He sent Christ on Earth, to show you and tell you about his love. So way, focusing on past, and not on what God has for you in future? Repent and follow Him,  and let Him to do His will in your life.

blessings

Do you think Nigerian men are terrible? No
Pakistanis, Indians, Turkish and others complain so bitterly also about European women, unfortunately for the European women, the average black man that they think they can ride rough shod has his own plans and agenda and that average black man is more often than not a Nigerian. It's so difficult to mess with a Nigerian guy, that is why you have so much complains about us on the internet. The Ghanians have been asking me, how do you guys deal with these Europeans, and I remember when a Cameroonian guy had a problem with one, an European woman at my uni then warned us to stare clear of dem, because the guy was alleged of violation when no poo happened. The European girl has a record of getting state fund from won cases on alleged violated on 4 different african men, my friend was so lucky to escape this trap.
Ask the guys from Iraq, Syria, Serbia and others what they think about marrying an european, only then you would understand why so much break-up and nigerian bashing on the internet. we have idiots everywhere, the best people to talk about Nigerian men are Nigerian women - period
On a lighter mood, why are these western women so glued to nairaland even after experiencing the greatest heartaches from nigerian men, am sure not because of the love of green/white/green, it would be great to know WHY as they usually move on without much pain when a western guy is involved

@ola boy:

very interesting that you speak of European women. As a European woman I have no idea what the identity of a European woman is. For me, it's obvious that there is no such a thing as an European identity. German women are very different from Polish women and Spanish women are very different from Dutch women and so on , maybe you can explain what makes you think that all these countries share a common identity

I have explained why I am on nairaland several times. I am not going to explain it again but I can answer your question why women write what they write about Nigerian men. Of course, you can get disappointd by any man from any country. However, the disappointment that some women experienced with Nigerian men tends to happen to be the worst they have ever experienced before. And this does not only happen to ugly women who were used for papers.

I have seen women who after several years of marriage discover that their Nigerian husband has a wife in Africa and even kids.
There are women who get beaten up because their boyfriend sends money to Africa but doesn't pay the bills.
There are women who get infected with sexually transmitted diseases because their Nigerian boyfriend messes around, even with girls who are teenagers.
There are women who get to know that their boyfriend is responsible for a pregnancy outside their marriage.

No doubt this can happen in any marriage, inter-racial or not, but it happens more often and very often with Nigerians. I have not conducted a survey but I live in a country which is full of immigrants and some of them have a worse reputation than others. Why is this so? Who is to blame? Women who share their experience?

My country people have also a reputation here. Even though, it hurts me sometimes, I have to admit that my country people themsleves are responsbile for this reputation. What can I do? I can only set a better example.

By the way, I am not saying every Nigerian is bad. God forbid!