Hello Nairaland, this is my first post and I'd like to introduce myself. I'm a 25 year old female from Sweden, I study archaeology at the university and I work part-time as a mail distributor. I fell in love with a Nigerian man, my co-worker, about a year ago and this january we decided to go to Lagos to visit his family. I'm in love with this man because he is an honest, hard-working man, we have the same humor and views on life in general. Dating him has felt 100% right when we have been in Sweden. But I have had to reconsider this when travelling to Nigeria with him. I, as many swedish and western women, am very independent, I work, I pay my own bills, I save money, I do everything myself and don't need a man to do anything for me (no disrespect, it's just the way I've been raised). I was raised by a single mother who taught me that nothing in life comes for free - you have to earn it by working hard. In Nigeria, the respect that he usually has for me was not the same. Initially, he didn't like the way I dressed, and commented on the way I acted. He also told me it was not safe for me to go out by myself, because I might get kidnapped (?). I accepted this at first - he is Nigerian after all and I am not, and I really don't know the culture. But after arguing about my clothes for the umpteenth time I put my foot down and said that I don't accept this disrespectful behaviour any more, and that I would go back to Sweden if he did not stop trying to undermine my confidence and my individuality. He then acted like normal, with the usual respect that he has for me and if there was something I wanted to do like go out, we would discuss the dangers and he would respect the decision I made. BUT when we discuss marriage, the issue is still there and he claims that the husband is the head of the marriage and in charge of the woman when they are married. This is not something I am willing to accept.

I know it's difficult for him being torn between cultures like this, in one end there's his family and friends in Nigeria expecting him to act in a certain way and in the other end there's the Swedish culture where equality between the sexes is not only a necessity to get by financially and emotionally, but also determined by laws. In Sweden, a woman is a resource and the traditional job of raising children and doing housework is no longer only for women. If I ever get married, I am still going to work and make my own decisions, and keep the part of me that is MINE. We have friends who are in a relationship (the woman is swedish and the man nigerian) and they have children but are not married, and they live pretty much like a "normal" swedish couple, and this is fine with my boyfriend. I'm just worried that this issue will come up when we have children or get married and it's too late to do anything about it.

I love him and am willing to accept many things from him, but discriminating my rights and my freedom is not something I want to do. I know it takes time and I am willing to put in hard work in trying to understand the Nigerian culture, while also bearing in mind that understanding each other and respecting each other's differences is a process. I am not trying to change him into a swedish man in any way, the only thing I am asking is equal rights and obligations in a relationship. The same rights and obligations for the man and the woman.

I would be very grateful if somebody would please explain what equality means in your relationship/marriage with a nigerian man, and how it is shown in your everyday life. I would also appreciate your views and comments on my situation. Thank you!

[b]@Poster, I understand your situation perfectly well. Unfortunately, most Nigerian men still live in the dark ages of inequality of the sexes when it comes to relationships. The culture of Nigeria, and Africa as a whole, inculcates into the Nigerian male from an early age that he is the "head" of the home, and the "alpha-male" when it comes to relationships. The tenacious hold religion has on Nigeria hasn't helped matters either, especially a religion that stipulates that females shouldn't be allowed to speak/proffer opinions on anything. There are only very few enlightened Nigerian males who have decided to take away the toga of culture and religion, and become open-minded in their approach to relationships by recognizing that inequality shouldn't exist in the first place.

My advice to you is to first of all recognize that this cultural differences between yourself and him exist and wouldn't go away. Secondly, he should also recognize that your culture is also different from his, and he should be flexible enough to accept that. Lastly, constant communication is the key to addressing the cultural imbalance, both of you should keep on talking and never give up. As far as I know, ideal relationships should be a mixture of give and take; but when one person wants the other side to bend over backwards at his/her own expense, it no longer becomes ideal.

Goodluck! [/b]

Unfortunately, most Nigerian men still have the mentality that they own their women and therefore control everything around them. You say he behave appropiately when you were both is Sweden but he changed when he got to Nigerian. Perhaps he is being inflenced by his family.
You said you have tried talking to him so lets hope he changes but from what you have said here, it seems your man is a conservative so you better be careful he might just change once you get married

@op, r u attractive? Am not tryin to veer off point but d answer to this question is important to d state of ur relationship

OP no offense but your nigerian boyfriend surely acts like a bushman.So he instructs and tells you the type of clothes you should wear abi?
If i should ask is he a member of mountain of fire or deeper life?
they are the ones who act just like the way you described your boyfriend.

E-Engineer:

@op, r u attractive? Am not tryin to veer off point but d answer to this question is important to d state of ur relationship

LOL, beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I think I am attractive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I'm quite young still. I have other proposals from men who are interested, if you know what I'm saying

tom28:

OP no offense but your nigerian boyfriend surely acts like a bushman.So he instructs and tells you the type of clothes you should wear abi?
If i should ask is he a member of mountain of fire or deeper life?
they are the ones who act just like the way you described your boyfriend.

None taken. I asked him if he was ashamed of me or something, because he thinks I dress like "an old woman" (It's retro!) when I'm not. Sure, I wear a lot of vintage and second-hand clothes but that's my style. I don't really care what people think about the way I dress, but the fact is that it was not a problem with him until I came to Nigeria. He is Igbo and from Igboland, brought up Catholic but is not a follower of christianity anymore, and he does not go to church. I've known him for almost two years and we share the same views on what a family should be; that the man and the woman both put 50% each of the rearing of children, taking care of household, working, etc. This traditional view on women is not something I've heard from him before, so that's why it saddens and troubles me.

I do think that he feels some kind of pressure, not from his family because as far as I can tell they are very open minded and have greeted me with open arms. He is still in Nigeria, and will be there for a few more weeks (I had to go home to Sweden for school). I do believe some of his friends on the other hand, have different views and are quite conservative in their views about what a woman should be.

Another question that I have is about safety: how safe is it for a white woman to walk and do business unsupervised in Lagos? If I ever do go back there, I want to know if I am able to for example go to the market or go buy clothes without being concerned for my safety. We were there together during the strike, and that is a special situation for sure, but if I am to go there for a longer time in the future, I do not want to rely on anyone else.

Thank you everyone for your answers so far!

Kafe, ARE YOU WHITE FOR REAL?

By the way Sweden isn't considered the West, but I got you.

Mrs, Chima:

Kafe, ARE YOU WHITE FOR REAL?

By the way Sweden isn't considered the West, but I got you.

Sweden not considered West? Please explain.

sweden is western due to the culture/european.
although geographically it isn't.

Claus:

Sweden not considered West? Please explain.

Explain what?  Google isn't working on your computer?  

MsDarkSkin:

sweden is western due to the culture/european.
although geographically it isn't.

Thank you Sis.

MsDarkSkin:

sweden is western due to the culture/european.
although geographically it isn't.

actually come to think of it, that's not exactly true.

west pertains to WESTERN EUROPEAN ideologies.
So Sweden does not count.  Unless we want to go waaay back into history

Mrs, Chima:

Thank you Sis.   

MsDarkSkin:

actually come to think of it, that's not exactly true.

west pertains to WESTERN EUROPEAN ideologies.
So Sweden does not count.  Unless we want to go waaay back into history

Right, right. When most people from the East speaks of the West, they are referring to America/Canada culture however other countries are in the Western Hemisphere.

Ah yes, I was referring to the "western world" (whatever that means) in terms of culture, not geographically. We refer to ourselves here as "the west" anyway Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Yes, I'm white! Too white for my liking but my skin never seems to tan even a little bit

kafefilter:

Ah yes, I was referring to the "western world" (whatever that means) in terms of culture, not geographically. We refer to ourselves here as "the west" anyway Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

Yes, I'm white! Too white for my liking but my skin never seems to tan even a little bit

Aww. Can I adopt you? You gon be my first white baby. You made Momma proud.

As I was reading your thread, I was jumping up like that MY BABY!

Mrs, Chima:

Right, right.  When most people from the East speaks of the West, they are referring to America/Canada culture however other countries are in the Western Hemisphere. 

American/Canadian culture/ideas is mostly western european in terms of influence.
that is why we called "western" aside from the geographical location.

anyway. . .

Mrs, Chima:

Explain what?  Google isn't working on your computer?  

It does work, although I didn't really need it. Swedish culture would be considered western culture. The West is not actually defined just be geography. Most of Europe would be considered the West, some would even consider Australia while referring to the West. If the West is purely geographical, then Mexico, Nicaragua etc would count.

I wanted to understand why you said it wasn't considered the West that's why I asked you to explain.

MsDarkSkin:

American/Canadian culture/ideas is mostly western european in terms of influence.
that is why we called "western" aside from the geographical location.

anyway. . .

(farts)

Claus:

It does work, although I didn't really need it. Swedish culture would be considered western culture. The West is not actually defined just be geography. Most of Europe would be considered the West, some would even consider Australia while referring to the West. If the West is purely geographical, then Mexico, Nicaragua etc would count.

I wanted to understand why you said it wasn't considered the West that's why I asked you to explain.

When I said THE WEST, I was speaking of geography because of the title. I wasn't speaking of culture.

I thought it was self explanatory since I didn't mention western culture.

@op, i am distressed at the fact that ur man complains abt ur clothing, most times when africans/nigerians complain about western attire it is about the  westerners dressing indecently like wearing bikinis on a beach in lagos[ which most african women dont find comfortable]. why shld he complain about u dressing too old, didnt he see that before he started dating u, if a man keeps on insisting abou an aspect of his mates life that they both arent proud of then thats mean on his side and shld be hurtful to you, why doesnt he go ahead to buy you modern clothes,
i wouldnt even dare touch such a sensitive aspect of my relationship because it points to outright rejection on my part

u said u are too white , i believe it would be impossible for u not to be blonde too , i know u swedes are the epitome of nordicness

wish u d best of luck and dont waste that attractive self on someone not worth it

Basically your clothing makes you look older than you are.  So he may want you to dress more modern and forego your vintage clothing.  He is image conscious and those are the worst kind. 

It is up to you to continue your relationship with this person, but nine out of ten what issues arise before marriage will arise after marriage. 

Don't ignore red flags by being foolish.  Love is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't excuse your foolishness. 

The reason, I asked if you are really White is because many men on this site have stated that White women are more docile and less independent as "Western" women or Feminists.  You don't sound docile nor dependent to me.  (It is not a bad thing) 

Mrs, Chima:

When I said THE WEST, I was speaking of geography because of the title.  I wasn't speaking of culture.  

I thought it was self explanatory since I didn't mention western culture.  

As a final word so I don't detract from the thread. When people talk about the West e.g. "Western Woman" as it was used in the title, they are referring to western culture (as is evident from the issues she described). It is used in everyday speech. Most Europeans (including Swedes) are Western.

I'm out!

Claus:

As a final word so I don't detract from the thread. When people talk about the West e.g. "Western Woman" as it was used in the title, they are referring to western culture (as is evident from the issues she described). It is used in everyday speech. Most Europeans (including Swedes) are Western.

I'm out!

Bye.

Who are those ones talking as if they aint Nigerians anymore, not that her boyfriend was trying to control or dictate for her here in Nigeria, but there are some outfits these white folks put on in their various countries that its improper here NOT that we're uncivilized but our culture suppose normal outfit to look presentable most especially in front of his family, even some places in Nigeria they could kidnap white for ransom so her boyfriend have his reasons.

But bro Tosin, it was not a problem for the guy until they came to Naija na.

Mynd_44:

But bro Tosin, it was not a problem for the guy until they came to Naija na.

Exactly. Why act one way in Sweden and another way in Nigeria? That's FAKE.

My point exactly

This is what happens when people are not willing to compromise.

You know he is not Swedish and he knows you are not Nigerian. He acted that way because he was "in Rome".
You were in his part of the world when you were in Nigeria so why not try to appease him by making yourself "presentable" to his family? The two of you need to discuss a lot of things before you even consider a future together. Nothing wrong with being 'independent and western' at all however, when you marry someone who is NOT from the same background you need to take into consideration that there will have to be some bending on BOTH of your parts.

Don't understand what is so hard in that. I don't think men are the "rulers" of the household however I do think once children come into play they need to see mommy give that man that respect and vice versa. If it's too much for you to take then perhaps you shouldn't date men from that background. Work hard for what you want in life so you can enjoy it still but also remember when you are wife/mother you also have to make sacrifices to keep the home happy.

But msdarkskin why did he have to pretend? Why did make her feel he was alright with her dressing when he is not. Remember she fell in love with the man she met outside Nigeria and now, he is not the same person.

Mynd_44

Sure, but sweden is absolutely diff from 9ja lifestyle na, "for instance" how do u want me to present a girl who they don't find half-naked outfits offensive in her own country to my Nigerian parent?

Tosinville:

Mynd_44

Sure, but sweden is absolutely diff from 9ja lifestyle na, "for instance" how do u want me to present a girl who they don't find half-Unclad outfits offensive in her own country to my Nigerian parent?

thank you. that's all i am saying.

i can GUARANTEE YOU, it never donned on her to ask him what is acceptable IN Nigeria prior to going.
She more than likely assumed from his actions that because he was okay with certain things, that his family and culture was too. I know how my guy acts here in America and I also know some of the things he and his brothers/sisters do would be looked down upon if in Cameroon BECAUSE i asked and did the research. For one thing here we could live together and sleep under the same roof, in Cameroon/his tribe? NO! I am not his official wife and I haven't gone through "the process". Here I can call him certain names and make certain comments, in his part of the world I know it would be unheard of, so why would I expect to be able to do the same things there because he allows me to here? Does that make sense?

He could and should have informed her of his tradition, culture however she knows he is not from there and should have taken the initiative to find out about it, question his views; etc. first. But western folks don't usually have a whole lot of interest in doing so because (and sorry to say) we think our way is the right/normal way.

What is acceptable in Naija or the front he wants to make for his people. I don't believe anyone should fake just to please anyone. If he knew her dressing would have been a problem, he should have left her the hell alone and found someone who shares the same moral stance with him and his concervative parents