Hello Everybody,

i need your advice, i have a boyfriend that i love so much and he also love me, we date each other for about 8 months and during this period we've discuss about our pass but he never made mention of him having any kids, but oneday he called me and tell me that he has one kid, i ask him that why did he refuse to tell me all this while, he said he was scared that he doesn't know how my reaction would be that is why, he said his mother told him to tell me that is why he decided to tell me. The worse think is that the mother of the child is still alive.

But people advice me that since the mother is still alive it would be difficult, assuming she is not alive there is nothing bad in it, someone even told me that i should try as much as possible to stop the relationship b'because if the raltionship go deeper than that, it would be difficult to step back and it is not good to marry a man that already has a kid because the future will tell, and she site some example that really confused me.

So from the pass two month we refuse to call each other because i told him to give me sometime to think about it

Am confused i don't know maybe am doing the right thing or maybe the way i changed my character to him is good.

i need your advise

The person that told not to marry someone that already has a child is reallllllllyyyyyy DAFT!!!

put ursef in their shoes, cos u have a child does not mean that ur world has to come to an end.

****and wat do u mean that "the mother of the child is still alive?? Is she suppose to be dead??
**** u really need to stop taking advices from confused pple. If u love the guy and he loves u back, I don't see how his child is an hinderance to ur relationship.

Busta:

The person that told not to marry someone that already has a child is reallllllllyyyyyy DAFT!!!

put ursef in their shoes, because u have a child does not mean that your world has to come to an end.

****and what do u mean that "the mother of the child is still alive?? Is she suppose to be dead??
**** u really need to stop taking advices from confused people. If u love the guy and he loves u back, I don't see how his child is an hinderance to your relationship.

correct quote.

@poster,
i think its all about u and him.has he been nice to u,honest.just go throu.becos at d end only u have d right answer.

good luck

Dear poster

My advice to you is that just  cut off the relationship somebody that have child already and the mother of the child is still alive you better find your way now hence it will be too late for you cause the woman can still come back don’t mind Busta, True they say love is blind but not this type. And be prayerful God will give you the flesh of your flesh

don't get u pple.
what if the flesh of her flesh already has a kid? what if they are meant to be?
she will end up with the wrong person becos the one she truly loves has a kid. . so she shld run?

I really hope this does not happen to u because no one is perfect. I am not saying she should stick with him but do not leave him based on the fact that he has a kid and the baby mama IS STILL ALIVE**? unless, he still have feelings for her and does not love u.

Then again, everyone has different mentality!

thank u all 4 your reply, i really appreciate it.

But what is really happen right now is that he refuse to call me and anytime he is passing he don't even look at my side, i feel like calling him on phone but am thinking that if i do he may blast me or even take the advantage of that to pretend that he love me.

He has introduced me to his brothers and sister and i've visit his house twice, so am thinking that if we eventually meet, they would be thinking am a bad person. or what do u think

****and what do u mean that "the mother of the child is still alive?? Is she suppose to be dead??

I wonder o. She for kuku go kill am. Nonsense!

I have noticed that most people in nigeria see a big deal with a man or a woman that already has kid(s) while they are going into a relationship, i have a question for y'all.
What will you do if you have child and the man refuse to marry you, should that be the end of your life, all cos you have a child? or if you are the man and cos you have a child(ren) means it is too late for you to find love again? i realy wonder when it became a taboo for someone with kid(s) to find love and be loved, like busta said, different mentality, and i am sure that the people going against it will be the one that will say na cos of step mother's jealousy that is making them not to find someone if they are faced with such situation.
Poster, there is nothing wrong in you loving a man that has a child, infact, i see it as a form of responsibilty, as long as the man could be man enuf to take care of his business, try to be in the life of the child and love him or her like yours and you will get the heart of the man.
Good luck

Have you bothered asking him the reason why he is not with the mother of the baby,

@poster,  What are you talking about? so you don't want the woman live abi?, l am 110% sure your friends will tell you soon to go and kill the woman so you can marry him abi.
remember what goes around also come around

I would suggest you ask him what happened between him and the mother of his child. What really caused their breakup; and also you have to find out if he still has any form of contact with the other lady.

If there’s no more contact and you feel he told you the truth concerning what happened between both of them, then you can go ahead and marry him there’s definitely nothing to be afraid of.

But if you feel the atmosphere looks so suspicious and you know one way or the other that they still see each other under the disguise of him going paying a visit to his child, then listen to your heart and be sure you make a decision that you won’t regret in future.

There is nothing wrong if a man or a woman for that matter has a child out of wedlock but it comes with it's attendant challenges and being that marriage in itself is challenging enough I can understand some people's point of view on the matter. But I would not say the action you took by cutting off from the guy was very good, you need only put yourself in his shoes and understand why he's behaving the way he's doing now. He must be thinking your love for him was not genuine and he could read many other meanings like, what if he has no job, would you stand by him in tough times etc etc.
You can still remedy the situation like someone has already said. You need to go to the guy and have a heart to heart with him, find out the circumstances that brought the child into his existence, his relationship with the mother. If he still has a relationship with the child's mother, it would be a problem for you and under such a situation, you cannot put your head there so to say. We all have made mistakes in the past and some of us could easily have had kids out of wedlock but for the wonders of modern medicine. So be objective on this matter. No need to throw away a good relationship.

@ poster:
Like most people have said, you need to find out the circumstances of the child's birth and why your man broke up wth the mother, that is if they're really split up. 

Whether you stay with or leave this man, you need to make an informed decision, NOT a rational one based on emotions or old wives' tales, like your friends are suggesting.

Assuming, you decide to stay, you will need to come to a mutual agreement a.s.a.p as to what role he expects you to play in the life of this child, especially if you intend to get married to him. You did not tell us how old the child is. That will have some bearing on the matter, because the older the more challenging to win over. Challenging, yes, but not impossible.

Also, you must be sure that your man and the child's mother are no longer emotionally involved - then, set clearly defined boundaries, as to the level of access she has in your lives. By that I mean, she cannot "use" the child as an excuse to barge into your lives whenever she so pleases. There MUST be ground rules from the onset!
At the same time, you must also regard her role as the child's mother and give her the respect due her. And don't assume the stereotypical "wicked step-mother" role by resenting the child because s/he is innocent in all of these. Above all, PRAY for God to lead you.

All the best and keep us posted!

i wonder y nigerians think so old school, wotz wrong wiv him aving a kid as long as hes not in love wiv hes baby's mama nd he loves u, then go for it, `nd y is d woman suppose 2 be dead, y dnt u go nd get a gun nd kill her, may be this might be ur real LOVE nd then cause hes got a kid u let him go eh, think bout it , d ball is in ur court THINK ABOUT IT HUN,

the sad truth all, is that every young girl wants to start a fresh life with a fresh man and vice versa. she'll face a lot of baby mama drama if she goes on with him. so i'll say, if ur love for him is strong, GO AHEAD, if not, MOVE AHEAD!!!no one can condemn u for wanting a reasonably stress-free life. marriage is hard enough as it is, why add to it if u can help it? babe, free yourself.good luck. [color=#770077][/color]

it's not a good thing for you to keep secrets fro someone u claim to love. Why shld he hide it from u? Any way it's up yo u to decide. U know where the shoe pinches

i think having and child is not a bad thing and the child mother being alive is not a problem either, if u truely luv him what u should do is to have a heart to heaqrt talk with him and know what the future holds for u guys togeher[/b][/color]

Not dat i want d mother 2 die but what really make me afraid is dat i ask him (my boyfriend) why he refuse 2 marry d child mother he said b'cos he doesn't like her behaviour toward his family, so b'cos of that he rent an apartment where she stay with d child and he always visit both of them b'cos he has 2 perform him responsibilities 2 them.

Now tell me how will d lady be happy seeing both of us together, i ask him dat question but he is assuring me dat i dont have a problem that d lady is not a troublesome but am not satisfy because human being are very hard to believe.

Everything about the culture and tradition of Nigeria makes it unpopular, if not unacceptable, to have a child outside wedlock. Now, we can go on and on to winge about it, but that is not going to change anything. Besides, it is high time some people understood that African culture is not the same thing as oyinbo or white people`s culture. When people are made to see single mum, single dad as a fantastic thing, I see everyday on the street of London what the consequence is, so the wonderful culture of my ancestors that places a big emphasy on the collective rather than individual, on marriage rather than indirect prostitution that is turning societies in Europe and North America into a mess can surely do without unecessary lecture from those in the West
Now,to Funmi that started this thread; your last post can only mean that your boyfriend is going to end up as a poligamist. You know that there are many young people in Nigeria that have children in secondary school; they are young, they made a mistake, parents accept it and move on. If they are not going to marry they make arrangement for the up-keep of the children and everybody is happy. The problem with your boyfriend is, he has rented an accommodation for the mother of his first child. That may not be a bad thing,but this is not a picture of someone that just wants to take care of his child alone and move on, I think he still habours some feelings for the mother of his child. What now is the way out ? The best thing for you here is to see this relationship as over. But if it`s your plan to settle than as soon as possible, it is in your own interest to do that with another person. Should there be no other person to settle than with then you should ask yourself whether you want to marry a poligamist. Now, if you want me to advise you to choose between marrying a poligamist or thinking about your future as a single mum I will go for a poligamist anyday, especially if he is the type that would always be there to bring up his children.But my good sister, there are many signs from this your boyfriend that convince me of his unseriousness. Normally, the anger you showed for not telling you about the child in good time is justified. He should be the one trying to call you to talk things over and convince you that the other relationship is truly over. Don`t take my word for it, but I think he already sees the mother of his child as wife no1. You come here to ask for advice because you are an intelligent person, what I`ve given you is my honest opinion. Good luck!!

babes, dont mean to sound nehow really,
but all u r gettin right now is not even one tenth of the pressure to come,
the question is,sure u love him,no doubt but can u handle the heat?

r u sure u wont be weared out at the end of the day,love sure does conquer a lot n sometimes such things like this r involved,but i`ld say this much it`l come with so so so much effort yeah,if u`ve got love for him, then do ur thing k,but be prepared n prayerful k.

all the best!!!

I can't see a problem with your boyfriend having a child from his past. The only thing he's guilty of right now, are not disclosing the fact to you from the beginning.

I'd pay less attention to third parties, who tend to give varying degrees of "advice", not always the best either. Why not ask your boyfriend what lead to his break up with his childs mother? A lot better than assuming the worst!

As for him having contact with his childs mother, that's only natural. You can't honestly expect him to have contact with his child, and not the mother! How will that work? You'll just have to accept the fact that the ex will always be a part of your boyfriend's life, and indirectly part of yours too. If your boyfriend chooses to cut off all contact with his childs mother, just to satisfy you, he'll be a stone jerk, and it would be morally wrong.

In the end, you'll have to make the choice - but if you love him, and he loves you, I can't see there being an issue. His child is as much a part of him, as his arms and legs are! Don't make him choose between his child and yourself. There's nothing wrong with marrying a single parent, I have no issues at all with it.

But, if you can't love his child unconditionally, then move on, and allow your man to find someone else who will accept and love his child.

fellow landers,

uv all 4gotten so soon that the cane that beat the old wife is still been kept in d roof top, it will definitely come fetch u out,PLS MY DEAR SISTER BACK OUT, THAT GUY IS NOT HONEST WUTH U .they can still come back together as husband and wife (ur b/f and his old wife(i.e)once DEBE IS EVER DEBE)and u will be left with u and u alone,let him be, God will provide u with a good one,u r not second best.allow wahala to go away.enough is for the wise all this pple that are saying that u shld go ahead r realy dont love ur life if they do they wldnt advice u that way,by the time the heat start to generate nobody will be there to help u anymore.

Naija Mentality!!

Teriba,
U r right and I accept all u've said bahoo and entire.

Why would this guy be angry and not call u up after he refused to tell u something about his baby?
Don't you think if he had the intention of marrying you earlier, that should have been one of the first thing he should be telling you?
Now, do you want to be the first to call him on the phone? What would be the first you will be telling him? Maybe apologise right? And for what then if I may ask?
Open your eyes and see that this guy is a mummy's pet. How would he tell you (even if it was his mum's idea, does he need to tell you) that he told you because the mum thought it wise?
Can't you now see that the first wife or woman left the house because the mum does not support their marriage?
You have to make up your mind to be accepting the guy's mum's every whims and caprices ok?
Allow the guy the time to make up his mind on what he wants and when he decides to grow up and be a man of his own.

Sweatheart, a word is enough for the wise.We've given advice its time you make up your mind and behave like an adult by taking an action and accepting whatever comes out of it ok?

Take care of you and don't break your own heart!

Dear Funmi,

I study something from this scenerio i don't know if I am totally right. You look like someone who is not blindly in love.

For a man whom you have agreed you shared all your past and now you find that he still hid that one from you. Be sure he is not a honest man. So shine your eyes

When he will give you a reason he said I quote from your response "because he I do not like her behaviour to my family" obviously this is as serious case of a man who is too tie to his family. You may be smalling imminent danger of someone who could not decide his family affair outside other extended family.

I will like you to look at the consequence of marrying a man too tied to his family. You will have to endure too many thing the maarriage does not provide for. Who knows may be the woman who gave birth to the baby were recommended to be sent parking by the family member.

For you to live successfully with this kind of a man, you must be ready to sell yourself into slavery even to anyone you know as his family.

Shine your eyes ooooooooo!

supported. forget all these stories. just back OUT!!!NOW!!!dont waste any time.

kunle75:

fellow landers,

uv all 4gotten so soon that the cane that beat the old wife is still been kept in d roof top, it will definitely come fetch u out,PLS MY DEAR SISTER BACK OUT, THAT GUY IS NOT HONEST WUTH You .they can still come back together as husband and wife (your b/f and his old wife(i.e)once DEBE IS EVER DEBE)and u will be left with u and u alone,let him be, God will provide u with a good one,you're not second best.allow wahala to go away.enough is for the wise all this people that are saying that u shld go ahead r realy don't love your life if they do they wldnt advice u that way,by the time the heat start to generate nobody will be there to help u anymore.

@ Ikris:

Our sister has enough advice here, we can only hope that she makes a good use of them.

Cheers!!!!

we can only advise u 2 the best of our knowledge. no one knows 2moro.

the mother of the child may or not come back.

i believe u are a christian. pls

go on ur knees and pray 4 God 2 direct u. He is the only one that knows 2moro.

remeber that, " there is no going back after marriage".

still, goodluck.

I think a few questions are necessary.

What is his social background? How educated is the mother of his child? His parents? What is the culture as regards such matters in your area? How serious and reponsible is this fellow? Can he take the heat that will surely come?

All these ? need be answered to be able to guage the level of social backlash that might come.

I see no reason why you should let go your chance at happiness with someone you love because he has a child out of wedlock. But you better be sure it is LOVE because you will need all of that you can get.

Love, TRUE LOVE, can conquer all.