What are the advantages and the disadvantages of getting married to a widower with 3 children?

Pls I need advise from experience.

Thank you.

its not a big deal at all as long as the love exist between both parties

Advantages:
1. you will be with a man who has experience in the marriage department and so you may not have to deal with the issues most newly married couples deal with. eg, adjusting, learning to share, learning to be open. he has done that already and may be well adjusted
2. The pressure to concieve and bear kids may not be as intense
3. You have a ready made family and if you are a cool headed person you can build a great relationship with the kids
Disadvantages:
1. You are not a brand new wife and so may miss out on the fun of having the proverbial 1 year honey moon. You have to immediatley settle into wife and mother role
2. Dealing with kids who see you as a replacement for their Late Mom is no piece of cake
3. Your every action may be scrutinised by kids, family members and ur husband to make sure you are not maltreating the kids
4. Its easier to raise kids from scratch than raise kids who have already been raised a certain way, you may have a different idea of how kids should be raised and you have to most time keep ur views to ur self
5. You may be constantly be compared to the Late wife and knowing Nigerians when som eone dies he/ she is autmatically a saint and ur efforts may not always be appreciated
My suggestion. Love the kids as you will your own, be patient as most of ur efforts will be looked on suspiciously in d begining but with time, love and patience they may love and accept you back. Understand that it is a challenge and be ready and patient enough to weather the rough storms. Best wishes

@ debrief08, I so much appreciate ur advise. Thanks a lot. You know am afraid somehow but I've been praying about it. Moreso that am still single.

Yemoooo:

@ debrief08, I so much appreciate ur advise. Thanks a lot. You know am afraid somehow but I've been praying about it. Moreso that am still single.

You are welcome. Pray and watch too. How old are the kids? Are you friendly with them? How is his family towards you? There is a lot more to marriage than Love especially in your case going into an already existing family.

The first born is 15 (Girl), 12 (Girl) and 9(Boy). I've only met with his half sister and cousin; I've been to his house on many occassions and am trying my best to be friendly with the children; though they are cool headed and I think they are well trained children. His parents are late. He (the man) has met with my family as well (my parents) and they have approved him but am still afraid somehow. I believe all will be well if it's the plan of God.

Yemoooo:

The first born is 15 (Girl), 12 (Girl) and 9(Boy). I've only met with his half sister and cousin; I've been to his house on many occassions and am trying my best to be friendly with the children; though they are cool headed and I think they are well trained children. His parents are late. He (the man) has met with my family as well (my parents) and they have approved him but am still afraid somehow. I believe all will be well if it's the plan of God.

Wow, am happy the kids are well trained and disciplined. Its good that they are a little grown. You seem level headed yourself. My Advice to you is to take the first girl as your younger sister. Dont try to play Mummy with her by being harsh and competitive, she has been taking care of Daddy and her younger ones for a while and may be a bit reluctant to have you come and "take over' this is where patience and understanding comes in. I assure you if you win over the eldest one you have won over the rest. Be kind to her and also give her some level of respect, dont trat her like a child because loosing a mother has made her mature above her age.
Good that you have been praying, keep praying and most importantly keep Gods commandments. One chapter that has gotten me through most of my life hurdles has been Romans 12 esp " Be patient in affliction and deligent in prayers" Love is patient, Love is kind, love is not rude or arrogant. In your case you are going to have to love the man as well as his 3 kids. Christainity is not by prayer or going to church and doing service in church, Christainity is by Loving our fellow man and woman as if we are loving God, Loving when it is hard to love, for if we can not love the people we see how can we Love God we do not see. This will be your true test of Christainity

Thank you very much, I really appreciate. Well that is what I've been told by my parents that I should love the children as mine and I've made up my mind to do so with God's help. Though their dad said they should be calling me mummy, should I accept it or not?

Yemoooo:

Thank you very much, I really appreciate. Well that is what I've been told by my parents that I should love the children as mine and I've made up my mind to do so with God's help. Though their dad said they should be calling me mummy, should I accept it or not?

If i were you, I would let it come naturally from them not forced or instructed. Nigerians like titles and respectin words, What will be the aim in calling you mummy when they dont feel that way in der hearts. Its just a title, you can accept it if you want but for me I will prefer they decide on their own when they are ready to give you the title of mummy. A friend of mine was raised by their step mom, even though their mom is alive the only Mummy they know and recognise is their stpe mother, it didnt come easily but even when my friend wa getting married it was the step mom who was the recognised as the mother of the bride, reason, she earned their love, loyalty and respect through love. She broke thier defences.
Its your decision dear

Very wise words and advice debrife08, you remain one of the wisest, open minded and rational persons here on the family section. . . .Which state are you from if I may ask? you sound like a northerner. . . .

mazaje:

Very wise words and advice debrife08, you remain one of the wisest, open minded and rational persons here on the family section. . . .Which state are you from if I may ask? you sound like a northerner. . . .

Lol, am a Nigerian. There are far more wiser and rational pple than me here oh. Thanks anyway

@ debrief08; thanks very much, God bless you. That is what I intend doing. But I want to gain their confidence and trust and also be friendly and free with them. I know with God on side, He will teach and direct me.

@ Fhemmmy; thats a lot I appreciate you too. I know all will be well.

May God bless you, increase you and give you a happy home. May the peace and Love of Christ reign in your home. May God provide all you need for a good and happy home. May God carry you when times are tough. The Lord be with you dear. Best wishes

I really love the way debrief explaind it but that's just the theory anyway. I have a stepmom, she married my dad 7yrs ago but she still feels like a stranger to me. But I must confes that she makes my dad very happy so I appreciate her for that and one important reason why we never have quarrels is that she never stood in the way of us getting what we used to get when my mum was stil alive. Personally, I feel its a matter of sacrifice, God will see you thru

zilon12:

I really love the way debrief explaind it but that's just the theory anyway. I have a stepmom, she married my dad 7yrs ago but she still feels like[b] a stranger to [/b] me. But I must confes that she makes my dad very happy so I appreciate her for that and one important reason why we never have quarrels is that she never stood in the way of us getting what we used to get when my mum was stil alive. Personally, I feel its a matter of sacrifice, God will see you thru

I agree, no one can replace your Mother, No one can fill that void and especially if she died when you were older. Thats why its important not to come and drag with the older kids or force them to call you mummy. Just be good, kind and patient, and very importantly when you have your own kids be fair

Is Uncle Serubawon about the close the deal on a pretty young thing?! I likes!

@ zilon12; Amen, thank you I appreciate you too.

@ debrief 08; Amen and you too. I really appreciate your advise. God will continue to increase you in every areas of your life and whenever you look upon Him for help, He will send millions of helper to you. Thanks a lot. I will keep you posted if there's anything I need to know or need your advise on.

i say no big deal

If indeed you are single and not newly single like Americans single Mums like to call themselves, then there must be a motivation why you are really pursuing this instead of seeking a brand new husband. What's your motivation or your perceived motivation by the widower family? That alone may explain if it's good adventure for you or not.

Yemoooo:

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of getting married to a widower with 3 children?

Pls I need advise from experience.

Thank you.

My dear, I wont mince words, but you are about to take a risk!

It's true that you can love them as your own bla bla bla, but trust me, you'll always be the second wife. . . . especially since he has kids with his late wife! In a marriage, it's best your first kids are also your husband's.

I could be wrong, but that's what I think!

@ bayoooooo; well am single without any child or children and wot do you mean if am indeed single?

advantages (1) you will be enjoying another woman's thing, the man will replace you with his ex. they children will hate you for taking their mums position.
disadvantage. you will fight to win the children love, if you bare good to them then they will give u a little of their mums love.

@ Ujujoan
My dear, I wont mince words, but you are about to take a risk!

It's true that you can love them as your own bla bla bla, but trust me, you'll always be the second wife. . . . especially since he has kids with his late wife! In a marriage, it's best your first kids are also your husband's.

I could be wrong, but that's what I think![i][/i]

Thanks for ur advise, well that is why I posted it here to seek ur opinions; I know am taking a big risk but if it's God's will, He will definitely see me through.

@Yemoooo

No harm meant and I do not have any intention to sound derogatory whatsoever. I believe many single guys will as well be crying mew at your hears about matters of love. WHy have you decided in your own decisive decision to jettison them and focus on a once married man?

If you have a genuine reason for that and is not based on motivation that the other party could  be suspicious of, it may well be a good idea, otherwise, I will say you give it a second thought. Besides, it is not purely we go on fine issue, look at your age, that of the man and make a projection of twenty years, will you still like state of affairs by that time?

@ beackyBenneth; thanks all the same I appreciate as well.

@ bayooooooo; age is not on my side and the single guys are not forth coming, so when showed up, we started as a friend and we now get along. He's 12years older than me. (am in my late 30s)

Yemoooo:

@ beackyBenneth; thanks all the same I appreciate as well.

@ bayooooooo; age is not on my side and the single guys are not forth coming, so when showed up, we started as a friend and we now get along. He's 12years older than me. (am in my late 30s)

The picture is clear now and the motivation can be appropriately inferred. yeah, you can go ahead and show a lot of love for the children. If you love them genuinely, they will as well love you. Initially, you will face a difficult situation trying to earn their trust, you have to be patient, forgiving and accommodating at that stage.

Looking at your age and that of your husband, Please make appropriate insurance for your would be children, don't leave anything to chances.

My Dear if u luv a life without regrets flee from such a marriage o!!! I grew up with a step mum and even as a guy I know I was never comfortable with her, even she didn't like seeing I and my other sibling around o. And then imagine that we are guys who normally don't "send" not to talk of a house with 2 girls (as in Ɣ☺ΰ‎​‎​r case). Nothing like having a man (husband) and knowing he belongs to u alone o.

If you love the kids as your own, then you problem is almost totally solved, cos its the kids that will stand by you in times of trouble, its hard for a woman to love another woman's kids, but you just have to. and you will be blessed. Even if you now have your own child, dont stop loving your step kids.


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debrief08 has said it all. But what is your status? are you a widow or separated or divorced or a single parent or single? debrief08's response may not really apply to all. Just be honest with yourself and you'll get the best.

I don't know if my fellow Nairalander is a widower because his detailed explanation is full of wisdom and only a man with such experience can analyze all what he enumerated. Good Job Bro