Tobiegal: Am reading your post and just thinking! The guys we ave when dating are usually different after marriage. Like its being stated in the previous posts, its just issues of trying to 'consolidate' with one anoda. With time, it'l iron out nicely.
I've being married now, 2yrs +, and frankly, its nt everyday we get to talk! And yes, sometimes, he'l say 'tx u' after hs meal... At oda times, he'd jst finish up n dats it!
Before now, we wld go to bed togeda, den before our baby, we wld stay up till like 11pm watching films n all... Bt after I gt preg. I'd go to bed before him!
You just need to understand dat being who dey are, dey ave d strangest way of loving us... Hubby wld tell mi 150daily how much he loves mi before marriage, now... Hummm... Well... Am happie wen I hear it!
Abt d fone calls, just forget it! It stops d moment da ring is in ur finger o! Tx God for BB... Dats hw we catch up mostly...
Bt it all, I knw, despite everyting... D love we both shared is still dre, n wld remain so long as we both understand ourselves.
So, am appealing to u... Just take d back seat for now... Since he'd up on hs feet. He needs to feel like a man, treat him as such. (Dat includes collecting all dose extra cash u'd normally over look too o)...dat way... Am sure u'l both be fine.
Remember, Patience n Understanding + Tolerance is d key to a successful marriage.
Cheers





i really respect ur words lady...every man wants to be the man of the house,that doesnt make the woman a slave thats wat most ladies must understand

sub_zidi: Hi NLanders, i would like to get opinion plus advice from people who are already experienced in marriage! My story is a long one but i woukld like ti make it as brief and straight to the point as possible. Intro: My hubby and I dated for about a year before we decided to tie the knot. During courtship/dating, i thought/felt he was one of the best things that happened to me probablly still is...We more like built/building our life together from the scratch. Initially things were not easy for him financially when we were still dating+courting but i did'nt mind cos i felt i had a good man ,who was self motivated,intelligent, smart,purposefully driven and above all loved God! Then we made out time to pray together and commune with God while committing his situation then to God for open doors as he was affected by the crisis in the bank.
While all these were going on, i never made material demands from him instead i supported a 150% financially and otherwise while according him much respect as my MAN and the King of My Heart. Then Jan 2011, God did it and he got another job he was managing, though he felt then the job was too demanding/demeaning and pay not commensurate with his output, i was still encouraging him to hang in there as i knew with little time management would recognize his efforts/hardwork and possibly make him a better offer! And indeed it happened just two months to our wedding, his job was reviewed+promotion+better package! Life was good!
Before the marriage, my hubby adored, respected and treated me like his queen. But i noticed since after marriage he has been taking me for granted,stopped asking if i was okay once my mood changes which he was doing before,stopped thanking me after eating,usually getting easily irritated at the things we used to joke and laugh about in the past.I remember back in the courtship days, if i did anything he did'nt like he would say stuff like" i will slap your brain now" and usually i just apologise and we make up easily! But these days, whenever there is liitle misunderstanding it lingers atimes into days before we make up.
Last week thursday, we both got home from work and were relaxing/catching up with gist on the days activities etc suddenly my hubby shouts " where is my food" i hurried up from where i was sitting and said haba! take it easy now shebi we just got back and i'm still tired! Then i made a joke to him and went off to the kitchen to get his food. Afterwards, he went to the bedroom while giving me cold shoulders,i ignored him feeling maybe he had a rough day at work and needed his space.Then the following morning, i got ready before him for work and went to wait for him in the car, he later joined but did'nt talk to me all through untill we got to our various offices.Unlike him, he never bothered to call/ping or bbm thru out the day.We got home that evening i was trying to figure out what i did wrong, i knelt down in front of him asking what i did wrong while also trying to play with him and make light of the previous day's event of me getting ready before him and waiting in the car. all attempts to get him talk were rebuffed, well felt ignored and decided to leave him be so that whenever he felt like talking we woould then address whatever it was. 3 days passed no communication, on the 4th day i sent him a letter communicating how strange his attitude+including the shouting about food was! Almost immediately he called me and started laughing and making light of the drama. That evening when we got home, we had a discussion where i addressed the shouting about food + his cold shoulder and we made up.
Most recently, precisely last sunday; we were very happy like normal couples and did'nt even go to church cos we wanted to spend more time in bed. That afternoon, we were running the generator and suddenly light went off, he went to check and discovered the connecting cable was off!My instinct told me to check what was up with him outside with the generator and i saw him trying to plug back the cable to the generator while it was still on, i said to him he it was dangerous to do so and should put it off first then plug the cable. While this was going on, i then suggested we put on the big gen since the small one with cable issue was still hot, immediately he shouted at me" get out now before i SLAP you!" I ran into the house then all of a sudden it rang in my head that" did hubby just say he would SLAP me?" i left the kichen where i was cooking and came to the parlour to meet him and i said (called him his pet name) "did u just say u would slap me,what did i do? etc Then i said in outburst"you've been using this ur SLAP cliche very often and anyday the devil makes u try it would be the end of this marriage cos my dad neva slapped me nor threatened to, he neva slapped my mom, i've never been slapped before and one thing i cannot tolerate is violence!"
The following morning being monday, he left the house while i was still sleeping leaving the doors open and did'nt tell me where he was going. I got up 30mins later(5:30am and discovered he was not at home and did not drop a note on where he has gone to. I got ready for work locked the house and dropped the key under the footmat where he could easily see it. while i was leaving, i saw his missed calls but was very angry to take his calls, then as i was working out of the gate i saw him parked by the side and i did not talk to him and was going to work on my own. I aws just a block away when i noticed someone push my umbrella and was asking me where i was going and the house key! I turned and scolled at him that i dropped the key on the carpet and was rushing to work as i had 8'oclock meeting.He ordered me to turn back which i did, then drove together to drop me first as he sacked the driver over the weekend!
Monday evening, i got back late ((9:30pm) due to several urgent reports+urgent work issues i needed to resolve.With the tirednes, i went to ask him what to prepare for his dinner but i got no response and i decided to go to bed and leave him be. Then, following morning i woke up early and made his fav bfast and asked to come and eat as i usually give him bfast Mon-Fri but he refused. I went to lock the door and asked him to come and eat he refused! Then he started telling me that he no longer wanted to be married to " a madwoman who would embarrass him in public" I said how did i embarrass u? u were the one who has been giving attitude since sunday, left me in bed while leaving the doors open knowing the security challenge we face in the compound ,that how does that make me a madwoman or u ordered me to join u home without expecting any show of anger from me? He said he would call my father to tell him i was disgracing hime then we would know what next to do with the marriage!!! i also made it known to him that he has not addressed the main issue of SLAP threats and i was not ready to stay in a violent marriage and so be it if becos i was looking out for his safety and that has suddenly turned me into a madwoman! i refused to go to work with him cos i was hurting+was travelling out of Lag to work 2days.
i ve been feeling bad for him and myself cos we have a great rship and chemistry which he is letting unneccessary anger to destroy! i've advised him to go for anger mgt classes. Unfortunately he feels he knows much about marriage thta even during our pre-marital classes he never read any of the books recommended!
I know he is a good man but this anger issue+SLAP threats ! Right now we are not talking, i want to nip it in the bud that violence of any kind is not allowed before it blossoms, if i apologise he would think he was right, i'm at cross-roads, i'm really hurting that i nevr even noticed anybit of this during courtship atimes i wonder if he was same person...SORRY for the long post just wanted to pour out my feelings

maryini:

So you are happy to behave like a baby.

omo jeje: @ poster. What your husband is doing is called EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Pure and simple. Google that phrase and educate yourself. The truth of the matter is that his behavior is very deliberate. You are not crazy. I know right now that you have a gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach because you feel you may have made a mistake in marrying this person who suddenly seems like a stranger. Let that feeling be your warning system. Do not try to suppresss that feeling and don't let anyone help you suppress it by convincing you that you are in a "normal" marriage and that you just have to work out the hiccups. You need to buck up my sister and face the situation at hand. People whose husbands beat the living day lights out of them.....this is how they started o!

If you don't know, know it now- your husband in his heart of hearts has always been like this. He just hid it from you. If he didn't hide it, OBVIOUSLY, you would not have married him. He is a smart man after all. He is also a cruel, emotionally cold man. Of course in a few days he will apologize to you and come up with all sorts of excuses about why he did what he is doing. He will slyly place the blame on you (honey, you know I love you more than anyone else in this world. You are the only one who can make me so angry that I begin to act like a mad person). Things will only get worse if you do not put your foot down. In his mind he is now showing you his true colors because he believes that since you are now married, you are his and you can not "go anywhere". You are stuck with him. He can do whatever he wants and you will have no choice but to put up with it.

1) let him know that you will not tolerate being disrespected in public or in private. It is a good thing that you told him you will not allow him to slap you. Make sure it is just not mouth o. Action must follow the words. No 2nd chances when it comes to physical abuse.

2) do not let him convince you to keep your concerns to yourself. Bring in a sensible, neutral 3rd party who can be a witness to your concerns early on and give sensible advise to the 2 of you. If not, these people will be the 1st people to ask you why you did not involve them later o. Again, do NOT listen to the people who advise you to keep your marriage matters between the 2 of you. This is not the normal husband/wife adjusting to marriage o.

3) do not get pregnant yet o. Having children will not change him. On the contrary, it cements his thoughts about you having no choice but to put up with him. Only have children with this kind of person when he has demonstrated over many months that he is willing to change.

4) swallow your pride and tell your family that you fear all is not well. In case of incasities, they will hopefully always have your back.

5) above all, always have your guard up with him. He is a skilled manipulator (after all, he manipulated you over months to get you into the position you are in now). Be ready to defend yourself. NEVER back down. Let him know that he is not the only one who can change after marriage. Become more assertive and stand up for yourself against false or unreasonable accusations or demands. People like him always look for good and kind people to try this kind of nonsense with. So for you own sake better show him that you are no more the nice, good and kind girl that will apologize to him even when he is the person in the wrong.

Normal men have a conscience and would react with profuse apology or change in behavior if they know that they are the one in the wrong and yet their wife is the one apologizing. The fact that your husband was not moved is a BIG clue (amongst several other clues in you story).

Emotional abuse is rife in Nigeria but that does not mean you should put up with it. A lot of people are used to being emotionally abused so they will tell you they don't know what you are complaining about, because it is normal to them. But they are not the one living with your husband- you are. So my advice to you is - DO YOU. We can all give you advice, tell you our experiences but at the end of the day, it's your life. You need to decide what you want out of you life with cards on you have on the table.

A word is enough for the wise. I was in your position 12yrs ago. If I knew what I know now, I would have handled my life differently. I have still come out on top sha because God does not sleep but I could have saved myself from unnecessary heart ache and emotional anguish.

Analytical:

Well said, Jenny. They are both displaying immaturity. Well, they are in their 1st year so I guess it is to be expected.

shushu: sub zidi thank God for your safe journey back....you arrived today as Jenny suggested abi?

sub_zidi: I'm on board Arikair now! Putting my phone off! Thanks shushu for caring! Bless u

shushu: this is hilarious.If you have some time, you can check previous threads where Jenny and i have had our e fight and e make up.I am not Jenny o.

Richvkunt:

That does not prove you are not Jennykadry.
She has been known to engage herself in a lot of back and forth arguments using multiple identities.
At times she is so twisted that she engages herself in e fights just to prove a point.
You/that woman is dangerous.

maclatunji:

Being the inquisitive journalist that I am sometimes, can you please point me to one of those threads where erm Jennykadry was actually arguing with herself- not this one O. This is just to satisfy my quasi-professional curiousity.

Thank you for your expected cooperation in this regard.

stillwater: Ewww I hate the word kpekus. . . Been seeing it here too often.

jennykadry:

And you open up threads for peace? People wonder why i find them useless. Now I know why you have issues with the TEHN team till date, you ability to start something and act like you did nothing is the reason why you are always singed out.

Let me catch you open those stoopid threads of yours again on this section, bloody hypocrite

dayokanu: Jenny

Oya call me too, Me sef get issue wey I wan discuss over phone(NB: Read phone-sex for dummies before calling) or better still come in person to my house

dayokanu:

Jenny you no see my post?

maclatunji: @JennyKadry, I have not accused you of anything and I will definitely ask for your side of the story no matter what I see on those threads. You should be happy that someone is willing to get to the truth of the matter. Instead of being angry and attacking moi, you should be understanding and patient to read my conclusions before taking-me-up. Is it not known to you that journalists must ask for all sides of the story?

jennykadry:

Dayo, you sure say you no be Jenny too? Our ip addresses both show Texas ranch, our sh@ggin resort.

I am consoling Mr cork now, will get to you when I am done with him no offeince

jennykadry: Define no send anybody? I don't send anybody and that is why I reply anybody whenever and whichever way I like, if them like, let them break their heads, e no consign me, I will still post and be a pain their azzes, continue with your investigation for that your blog wey them say no get reach 5 guests.

All I am saying now is, let me not see you open your bloody threads again on this section asking for peace else I will personally close it. see your head, now I know what ify and co were talking about you a few months ago.

maclatunji: Although the popular wisdom is that third parties should not interfere in a marriage, I think this couple need help. It is obvious that they are not capable of resolving their differences by themselves. OP, find someone you both respect and tell him/her that you and your husband are having a hard time with effective communication between the two of you. Try not to give all of these details to that person. If the person is wise enough, he/she will identify the issues by himself/herself and help you find resolution. I think you also need to be a little bit more patient and should give-in-less to your anger when it arises.

jennykadry:
Richy

have you got proof? Like IP address proof or you are accusing me of what you have been doing on NLD? You wanno talk about your other ids? Taylour, gaggi and harakiri? you know whn people think they are smart, they come up with ip addresses,locations to prove both ids belong to one person, so far you only know how to turn your computer on and off ,so what can I say?

I am so happy your wife took your son away from you and left, na this kain mad man she wan make e raise her son? Go for therapy, counselling and get over the fact that your wife dumped you for another man because you cheated on her. I would love to meet her though, she is one very smart woman and I hope the man she's with now is enjoying her body far more than you did and if possible got her pregnant.

It sucks to lose a woman to another man let alone a wife?Makes you feel you are not man enough, I know this and that's why I sympathize with you. Your ex wife has become the hero I never had

OOhhh!
Temper,temper,Jenny don't lose your temper.
Did I hit a raw nerve?
Are you not bounvita as well as Jennykadry?
Just understand that I am watching you.
Just open another thread and go back and forth with your self again.
By the way talking about Ip addresses I am sure you are familiar with these sites-
http://whatismyipaddress.com/usingproxies
http://proxy.com/?879
http://www.hide-my-ip.com/?id=109&c=4876
whatismyipaddress.com/ghostsurf
http://whatismyipaddress.com/anonymizer

Richvkunt:


OOhhh!
Temper,temper,Jenny don't lose your temper.
Did I hit a raw nerve?
Are you not bounvita as well as Jennykadry?
Just understand that I am watching you.
Just open another thread and go back and forth with your self again.
By the way talking about Ip addresses I am sure you are familiar with these sites-
http://whatismyipaddress.com/usingproxies
http://proxy.com/?879
http://www.hide-my-ip.com/?id=109&c=4876
whatismyipaddress.com/ghostsurf
http://whatismyipaddress.com/anonymizer