Hi Nlders, I was introduced to this forum by a friend, since then i have been an ardent follower though i was not a registered member.

Today i registered cos there is this issue that has been weighing me down and i don't know what to do;

Am 27yrs and has been in this long distance relationship for 3yrs, at the initial time it wasn't that serious cos i never imagined myself in this kind of relationship.
my guy told me from the onset that he wanted marriage, then i was in my final year and wasn't thinking much abt marriage so i told him i wasn't ready and that i will be when i graduate, serve and get a job and he said he will wait for me. i thank God everything happened as i planned, I've graduated, served and got a job. all these while the relationship was on and off until last year when i decided to get serious with him, i shunned every side attraction and distraction and focused all my attention on him. i don't regret doing this cos he is a wonderful guy and he cared so much abt me and my future, though he was not here with me, he made sure i didnt miss him much cos he was always calling me, even when i didn't have a job he encouraged me both morally and financially, he bought a laptop, modem and printer for me to have easy access to the internet.

to cut the long story short

he came back last December with a lot of goodies for me including a BB torch even though i didn't ask him for that, all through my Xmas and new year break i was with him, we went to weddings, parties and even church together. he introduced me to his family and friends as his wife to be, he even used me as his next of kin in one the transactions he made at that time, but one thing he didn't do was meet my parents.
i talked to him abt it and he said he wants to finish his building so that when we are married we will move into our own house, and that he wants to be well prepared before meeting them which i saw as a good idea

he went back to his base few months ago without coming to my house, since he went back things has not been the way they used to be, i only received a call that he got there safely and that was that, i called him, he didn't pick, i sent sms, he didn't reply,
most times i will call it will ring and enter voice mail, i will leave a message. after some weeks he called and said he was busy and that i know he just got, he is putting things in order after this call till now he doesn't call me until i call,then he will cut it and call me back i mean this is a guy that calls me at least once in day.

is he loosing interest in me or what?

na wa o...
...maybe you should go meet him wherever he is..and have a face to face talk with him...and HOPE he tell you what really is the problem..for all i know...he could just lie to you and keep stringing you along...
With these men..you never can tell what's really going on in their ugly heads...
Pray and hope it all ends well!

U didnt tell us his age,place of work,tribe(state).....................Hin don chop ur apple ?

Slimyen thanks for ur response; I can't visit him cos he doesn't stay in the country, why wud he be stringing me along, what does he hope to get frm doing that.

Ariyebaba,he is 3yrs older than I am

If not that he stays in a different country paying him a visit would have been a good idea. Then u will know if he is still the same person use used to know, whether there is any problem dat he is battling with or whether he has got someone in his life. But since u can't see him, and for u not to overwhelm urself with the thought of loosing him, take a break too and get busy with other things while u still talk with him once in a while. Remember he hasn't engage u so that u don't loose other prospective suitors while waiting for this yankee guy. If he comes back and meets u fine but don't cross ur legs waiting for him.

Take a break......... Try assume he is gone 4 good.

clarabee: Slimyen thanks for ur response; I can't visit him cos he doesn't stay in the country, why wud he be stringing me along, what does he hope to get frm doing that.

....babe,hang on just for a little while and see what happens!
He'll either come around soon or not!
You can make your decisions thereafter!

And the Nigerian Man strikes again. Walai, if I could, I'd marry a white dude. 3 of my friends are doing it, and you will NEVER believe how content and happy those chicks are. I need to relocate.

OP: He's an idiot. But this is the time to show what you're made of. Men are weird, everything is going on well, and they panic on the inside. Then they run away, pulling back emotionally, preferably into the arms of another girl. You can't change them as only 20% of these will not do this to a good woman, that 20% are the mature ones. And in the case of maturity, age is a number, my bestie's mature hubby is 27, my mature friend is 32 and I know a 37-year old agbaya who did this running away.

So, stop calling, say hi once in a while, never ask too many questions. The more you panic and freak out, the more he convinces himself you are neurotic, over-emotional, desperate and needy. So he runs even more, and IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT IN HIS MIND. I'm not making this shi.t up. He will not see his behaviour as bad, as he's feeling guilty (hence running without explanation) and it's easier to blame you than say "oh, I might have met someone else" or "oh, I'm getting cold feet, pls let's take a break".

So say hi, what's up, and move on. Keep in touch MILDLY (no more than twice a week, text or email, and call only if it will go to voicemail i.e. when he's not home), because if his insanity dies down and he comes back, he will hala that you didn't "know what he was going through and left him when the going got tough". But move on. Assume the worst. It may not be, but give him space. Please, I know it's tough.

Sorry to say, maybe u didn't impress him much. . . .

dats ow dey are,
dey ll promise heaven n earth and den wen dey go back, reverse is d case
my dear, dust ur left overs n move on
dat guy is a looser

Onegai: And the Nigerian Man strikes again. Walai, if I could, I'd marry a white dude. 3 of my friends are doing it, and you will NEVER believe how content and happy those chicks are. I need to relocate.

@onegai your friends are yahoo yahoo, thats y they trapped those white men whom i suspect are all goin tru hell with them. stop whinnin like a camel and walk tru the desert on bare foot. Oyibo my @$$

OP try and find a way to talk with him and see the reason why he is actin up, and besides u dont really need some schmuck's advice on here before u use ur head

Dyt: dats ow dey are,
dey ll promise heaven n earth and den wen dey go back, reverse is d case
my dear, dust ur left overs n move on
dat guy is a looser

***clears throat*** experience is the best teacher

@OP.. Don't lie o, has the guy hit your jackpot or kitty?

bennyraz: ***clears throat*** experience is the best teacher

does it hav 2 b me?
shior

Dyt:


does it hav 2 b me?
shior

***clears throat once more*** if it's not you then i say gossiping/easedropping is a bad idea.

thanks for ur responses so far i really appreciate.
The thing is dat i have tried talking to him but he is not opening up to me, the only thing he said that has meaning to me is that he is not leaving me for anybody and the mum also approves of me too, she calls me on phone once in a while.

But the issue here now is that there is this other guy that met my Parents for my hand in marriage in February and they approved of him based on the fact that they know the family. since then they have been pressurizing to accept this guy, that he is ready to do the necessary things once i say yes.

N.B. They also approve of my guy when i told them abt him, but right now they said he is not serious and that a lady is not supposed to wait for a guy, it shud be the way round.

I dont want to say am confused cos my heart is with my guy, its just that my ppl are putting scary thoughts into my mind like "what ifs"

c ehn
dat ur guy is nt bein straight forward, truth is he doesnt wanna hurt u bt dunno ow 2 go abt it
let him know u r in 4 anyth
wat doesnt kill u can only mk u stronger

Tell your relatives to pls be quiet, as if trouble comes, they will not pressure you then o, they will stay at home. You obviously like Guy no.1 more than Guy no.2 (it's always like that). So here's my suggestion: tell Guy no.1 "I'm not sure why you're acting like this, pls tell me if anything's going on, I'm gonna live my life, you know where to find me", then limit calls to him to once a week, preferably text rather than call. Tell Guy no.2 "I'd like to get to know and love you better, may we have 3 months and after we marry?"

Then see where the chips fall.

i believe that once a man stop calling you the way he use to call before that means my dear there is something really wrong somewhere, for most guy once they sleep with you, they may actually loose interest in you. that's why i do not agree in sex before marriage.

clarabee: Hi Nlders, I was introduced to this forum by a friend, since then i have been an ardent follower though i was not a registered member.

Today i registered cos there is this issue that has been weighing me down and i don't know what to do;

Am 27yrs and has been in this long distance relationship for 3yrs, at the initial time it wasn't that serious cos i never imagined myself in this kind of relationship.
my guy told me from the onset that he wanted marriage, then i was in my final year and wasn't thinking much abt marriage so i told him i wasn't ready and that i will be when i graduate, serve and get a job and he said he will wait for me. i thank God everything happened as i planned, I've graduated, served and got a job. all these while the relationship was on and off until last year when i decided to get serious with him, i shunned every side attraction and distraction and focused all my attention on him. i don't regret doing this cos he is a wonderful guy and he cared so much abt me and my future, though he was not here with me, he made sure i didnt miss him much cos he was always calling me, even when i didn't have a job he encouraged me both morally and financially, he bought a laptop, modem and printer for me to have easy access to the internet.

to cut the long story short

he came back last December with a lot of goodies for me including a BB torch even though i didn't ask him for that, all through my Xmas and new year break i was with him, we went to weddings, parties and even church together. he introduced me to his family and friends as his wife to be, he even used me as his next of kin in one the transactions he made at that time, but one thing he didn't do was meet my parents.
i talked to him abt it and he said he wants to finish his building so that when we are married we will move into our own house, and that he wants to be well prepared before meeting them which i saw as a good idea

he went back to his base few months ago without coming to my house, since he went back things has not been the way they used to be, i only received a call that he got there safely and that was that, i called him, he didn't pick, i sent sms, he didn't reply,
most times i will call it will ring and enter voice mail, i will leave a message. after some weeks he called and said he was busy and that i know he just got, he is putting things in order after this call till now he doesn't call me until i call,then he will cut it and call me back i mean this is a guy that calls me at least once in day.

is he loosing interest in me or what?

I find it quite funny and a little disheartening that your definition of love and care is when "your guy" calls you non-stop, buys you niceties and pampers you with marriage. Can't you just pick your own self up and wade through life? Apparently, you are panicking in spite of what he tells you. This to me merely reveals that you never really trusted this guy all this time. I mean, you don't even believe him! So, it's either you are easily given to paranoia or don't trust your guy. Whatever comes out of this, is merely the beginning in your journey through life. If you are unable to handle this, I wonder how you'll be able to handle instances where "your guy" attempts to cheat or cheats outrightly. Suicide?
Come on, swallow a chill pill and go about your own business!

He has probably tasted the forbidden fruit, and it was a little bit soar!!!

Onegai: Tell your relatives to pls be quiet, as if trouble comes, they will not pressure you then o, they will stay at home. You obviously like Guy no.1 more than Guy no.2 (it's always like that). So here's my suggestion: tell Guy no.1 "I'm not sure why you're acting like this, pls tell me if anything's going on, I'm gonna live my life, you know where to find me", then limit calls to him to once a week, preferably text rather than call. Tell Guy no.2 "I'd like to get to know and love you better, may we have 3 months and after we marry?"

Then see where the chips fall.

The danger of seeking ideas from places like this sometimes.
Indirectly she should double date right?

sauer:
I find it quite funny and a little disheartening that your definition of love and care is when "your guy" calls you non-stop, buys you niceties and pampers you with marriage. Can't you just pick your own self up and wade through life? Apparently, you are panicking in spite of what he tells you. This to me merely reveals that you never really trusted this guy all this time. I mean, you don't even believe him! So, it's either you are easily given to paranoia or don't trust your guy. Whatever comes out of this, is merely the beginning in your journey through life. If you are unable to handle this, I wonder how you'll be able to handle instances where "your guy" attempts to cheat or cheats outrightly. Suicide?
Come on, swallow a chill pill and go about your own business!

One of the major challenges of our relationships. LACK OF TRUST!!!

GboyegaD:

The danger of seeking ideas from places like this sometimes.
Indirectly she should double date right?

Nope, don't double date. Don't commit to either guy, no sex or kisses or intimacy. Be friends with the 2nd guy. Guy no.1 isn't there and won't tell her what's wrong. My ex did this to me, I stayed, I called, I waited, I prayed, I cried, and when I tried to move on, he BLAMED me. Which is unfair "oh, I'm treating you anyhow and ignoring you, but it's your fault for not realising I'm having a moment and not communicating this to you, whom I want to spend forever with". She's human, so am I. What you're expecting is perfection, which the other person cannot deliver. Which doesn't exist. So give him space, but don't wait for him. If you don't make a decision, Time will make it for you and it won't be in your favour.
Commitment means putting the other person's needs first, matching your partner stride for stride, either slowing down or speeding up to catch up. Needing space is for his own benefit, but expecting her to wait is selfishness. Particularly when you won't even communicate that to her. That's not Love.

clarabee: ... all these while the relationship was on and off until last year when [size=14pt]i decided to get serious with him, i shunned every side attraction and distraction[/size] and focused all my attention on him. [size=15pt]i don't regret doing this[/size] cos he is a [s]wonderful guy and he cared so much abt me and my future, though he was not here with me,[/s] he made sure i didnt miss him much cos he was always calling me, even when i didn't have a job he encouraged me both morally and [size=15pt]financially[/size], he bought a [size=15pt]laptop, modem and printer[/size] for me to have easy access to the internet.


he came back last December with a lot of [size=15pt]goodies for me including a BB torch [/size][s]even though i didn't ask him for that, all through my Xmas and new year break i was with him, we went to weddings, parties and even church together. he introduced me to his family and friends as his wife to be, he even used me as his next of kin in one the transactions he made at that time, but one thing he didn't do was meet my parents.
i talked to him abt it and he said he wants to finish his building so that when we are married we will move into our own house, and that he wants to be well prepared before meeting them which i saw as a good idea

he went back to his base few months ago without coming to my house, since he went back things has not been the way they used to be, i only received a call that he got there safely and that was that, i called him, he didn't pick, i sent sms, he didn't reply,
most times i will call it will ring and enter voice mail, i will leave a message. after some weeks he called and said he was busy and that i know he just got, he is putting things in order after this call till now he doesn't call me until i call,then he will cut it and call me back i mean this is a guy that calls me at least once in day.

is he loosing interest in me or what? [/s]

lets see..
printer
laptop
BB
modem
parties and weddings...
i think u got settled well for your services

OK/2/NV:

[s]lets see..
printer
laptop
BB
modem
parties and weddings...
i think u got settled well for your services[/s]

The thing about NL is not to always listen to every advice u get here. Most people here would give an advice they themself would neva listen to. Someone is here bleeding her heart out and I am very shocked with the kind of things I have read so far.
Look, men are weird (I am a guy and I know that) but then, that doesn't mean u can't talk to them, I would suggest u don't make any decision based on the comments u have gotten here cos u'd be making a mistake. I would also suggest u try 2 speak 2 him one on one (anyway u can do so). If u need 2 call him 2 do so, then call him. Speak 2 him plainly, ask him 2 be honest with u. Tell him u are not desperate but he needs 2 be plane with u atleast. Sometimes it doesn't go as easy as we hoped it would, but u should decide only after u've spoken 2 him.

Hey girl I think ur bobo has a lot on his mind , give him time,call only wen neccesary,don't be desperate cuz it culd turn him off ,u neva can tell maybe he is married to one oyibo .surely he has a girlfriend over there. I have been in this kind of situation b4.I wuz in south africa wuz madly in luv with this naija babe b4 travelling .in s.a I met this zim babe dat rockd my wolrd ,has beta xter than my naija luv. I stoped calling , I had to choose btween naija babe and zim babe it wuznt easy tho. Back to the topic op are u materialistic ? Wats the meaning of he bought me this and that ?wat did u give him wen he wus going back? There a stiff competition out there. If u want to win ur man,s hart beta shred the mentality of give me give me. There are beta girls out there with gud harts those dat have travelled can attest to this. I tink its hi time naija babes wake up and face reality

@OP:
isn't it obvious that your ready-made man is already married?

Dipwater: Hey girl I think ur bobo has a lot on his mind , give him time,call only wen neccesary,don't be desperate cuz it culd turn him off ,u neva can tell maybe he is married to one oyibo .surely he has a girlfriend over there. I have been in this kind of situation b4.I wuz in south africa wuz madly in luv with this naija babe b4 travelling .in s.a I met this zim babe dat rockd my wolrd ,has beta xter than my naija luv. I stoped calling , I had to choose btween naija babe and zim babe it wuznt easy tho. Back to the topic op are u materialistic ? Wats the meaning of he bought me this and that ?wat did u give him wen he wus going back? There a stiff competition out there. If u want to win ur man,s hart beta shred the mentality of give me give me. There are beta girls out there with gud harts those dat have travelled can attest to this. I tink its hi time naija babes wake up and face reality

How did your story end? My guess is you went with the Zim babe, and left the nigerian. But you've broken up now with the zim

kpolli: Sorry to say, maybe u didn't impress him much. . . .

I'll have to go with u on dis....its my guess too dat he wasn't totally impressed with u, cos for a man u'v been dating for years online to come and eventually refuses to see ur parents?? And stil gives u d cold shoulder?? Then something went wrong...mayb u call someday, ask him really what the problem is(he won't say), then tell him abt dis 2nd guy who ur parents wants u to settle with and see hs reaction. Then u cn take it frm there....ok? My 5cents.