thanks

chaircover:

4 kids in 5 years.

Did you have twins or triplets?

she meant she hasn't had seks with the husband in five years.

@ chaircover, u are not helping the op with ur sarcastic comment.
@ op, dating another man aint gonna make ur problms vamose into thin air. U need to be focused, get a job/learn a trade and ensure that each of ur four kids receive the basic necessities of life. All da best to you

U mean he s careless,evn if u cheat did u court him?and 4 hw long?

thanks

thanks.

chaircover: ^^^^^^ You gave incorrect information and you are complaining about my comment because I asked a valid question based on the information that you gave

It was not a complaint. I just needed advice and thoughts and opinions. Thanks

av u eva tried,a hrt to hrt talk wit him i mean,makin him understand u are unhappy,instead of bein misrable ur hubby s careless abt ur well bein...why not ask him,if his don,so u can get a divorce..and move on

thanks

Madam, calm down for Chaircover and answer her questions. She gives good advice. We understand that you are upset. . Also try and communicate with the culprit. Don't nag, don't whine and don't fight. Just communicate and ask questions. Also do an honest self evaluation on your contributions to the break down. These things are not a one person blame thing. So you married someone that never loved you. Were you forced on each other through pregnancy? Or you forced your way in in other methods. Honest questions madam, answer honestly otherwise your time here will be a waste.

@Poster, sorry to hear this, but I will like to know how you are so sure he isnt seeing someone else?? And when did this all start? was there an incident that spark off his behaviour? haas there been infidelity in the marriage at some point? Why did you guys get married in the first place Just trying to understand the situation a bit more. Most time we only hear one side of the story and it is quiet difficult to give fully informed advice

tasandra: av u eva tried,a hrt to hrt talk wit him i mean,makin him understand u are unhappy,instead of bein misrable ur hubby s careless abt ur well bein...why not ask him,if his don,so u can get a divorce..and move on

How much are you paying for your Internet? I will pay for you to get a good wifi connection instead of this pay as you go you subscribed to that discourages you from typing in proper English making it very difficult for some of us to comprehend.

Please do not be offended

You come first poster because you have to work on yourself to a level to be able to bring up your kids properly. Especially psychologically .

No body should take the place of God in your life. Not even your hubby!

Pls do a reality check, put things in their right perspectives, drastically reduce your expectations from your husband and above all love yourself so much more!

18 years is long and kudos to you for still hanging on.

But things might not be as bad as you think if only you take the right steps first which is loving yourself and putting God first.

Peace.

chaircover:



Uboma As you can see, I wasn't being sarcastic, I just wanted to gather more information before I made any comment. So her kids are not anywhere between age 5 to 10 as first thought but anywhere between age 10-18.

@poster did your husband never love you or it was a gradual process over the years/something triggered it. If it was a gradual process/something triggered it then there is a possibility that things can still be salvaged. If he never loved, you then that is a different story.

Is he seeing someone else? Has be been off sex too for 5 years? I must admit, you have both left it a very very long time before trying to do something about it.

have you both taken steps to try and resolve things as a couple? marriage counseling? responsible family elders, your pastor etc? Is he aware of how much pain he is causing you? Has he given you reasons?

@ chaircover, there are better ways to extract information rather than being sarcastic. And when the op pointed out ur comments werent encouraging to her, u should hv simply appologized if really u werent being sarcastic but u choose to be defensive.
@ op, pls look for a way to resolve issues with ur hubby so ur kids do not grow up in a divided home. But am sure that there is something u aint telling us. U said ur hubby knows u cant leave him, why is that so? Did u enter into a covenant with him or what? U shod know the reasons for his changed behaviour. Y not share it with us so we can provide more useful advice. However, whatever u decide, pls do not make any rash moves for the sake of ur kids.

Can someone please tell me what is sarcastic in chair cover's post? I have read her post and she asked a solid question there. I have read her question over and over again and I see no sarcasm. So stop this holier than thou abeg. You are a man not a market woman, learn to move past things

Stop dragging this issue sir cos you are starting something like petty women do.

@ op my heart really goes out to you cause i been in your shoes. I know there are some things you left out in your original post, but ill comment on what you have shared. Look, at the end of the day no body can tell you to go or stay. Its a decision you got to make. If you decide to stay look for ways you can survive in the marriage. Like doing your hair, reading books, playing internet poker etc. Try to find a hobby or a job if you dont have one. Also are you still interested in sharing intamacy with your husband?
Even after five years it still possible to get it back if you are wanting to go their with him again. You mentioned getting a boyfriend well when i was in your shoes i wanted to do the same thing, but i realised that it would solve nothing and i had to work on the heart of the problem to repair my marriage. I did this by communicating more with my husband and fighting less. I also started my own business and wow that was a major turning point for us, my husband began to see everything differently and he has changed. Your hubby can also change if its what you want, you just got to work on it, but first you need to work on you. Its not doing your kids any good seeing mommy sad all the time.When i was going through my difficult time i was also sad, but i recovered and found ways of making myself happy, i became my true source of joy and was not looking towards my husband for anything emotional, thats how i regained my sanity and was able to put my house back in order. Look OP you can do it too! Today my home is differnt my hubby is a wonderful father to our son that loves him dearly. Just a few days ago he told me ?you gave me a beautiful son, i did not see it before, but i see it now". I smiled and said thank you. But in my mond im thinking our son is 2 years old and you are just seeing it now. What im trying to say is that it takes some men time to realise and appreciate what they got in their home. No circumstance in marriage cannot be worked out with communication IMO.
Are you in Nigeria? Divorce with 4 kids in Nigeria is not easy!!!!! Especially if you are divorcing looking for love. If you divorcing to have your fun and not look for something serious then thats more realistic in Nigeria. Their are many men that would have you as a girlfriend, but i dont think you will find one to marry you with 4 children in this Nigeria, sorry to say. So before you leave look at the realities of your circumstances and environment.
OP what ever you decide to do, good luck

@Awoloto, I think you are being unfair to Chaircover. i have followed her on here, and she does give some of the best advice you would find anywhere, if i must say so. That said, it is extremely good of you to seek answers to your problems, albeit in a forum, at least the anonimity helps in getting unbiased responses.

Now to the real issue at hand. I have not doubt that you have had enough, but to be candid, it is still not clear to me what the origin of the problem is. I think it is a bit too simplistic to reduce it to him being imature. You guys have been married for close to 19yrs, which probably puts him in his 40's. That said, I find it extremely hard to feel that for no reason what so ever he just turns against you. there must have been incidents and major issues, maybe with him or with both of you. And without having details to hand, i think you will struggle to get any sensible, honest and well measured answer on here or potentially anywhere else. Again, i ask how are you so confident that there isnt someone else?

chaircover: jenny I tire o! I wanted to encourage her that her kids were still very young under 10 and she needed to be strong and be there for her kids. I also wanted to ask her why she kept on having kids when the marriage was going through so many problems, but it crossed my mind that she could have had multiple births so it probably wasn't planned like that. Hence my question before I went barking up the wrong tree.

Anyway it turned out that the poster had got it wrong and the youngest was 10 and she has been married for 18 years and not 10 years; so my question came in handy anyway

People have since asked other questions too. All I can say is that there is something not right somewhere and she needs to retrace her steps and see where all this started from and yank it from the root. It is very unusual for a man not to touch his wife for 5 years even if they are fighting. Its even more unusual for a healthy man to stay without any woman for 5 years. I hope they can sort things out for the kids sake.

BTW how is your sunday going?

[i[b]]@chaircover,
You did not need to do this.You are bigger than this!
Just my opinion.[/i][/b]

a

@awoloto it seems that my question offended you and so I apologize for that

Thats fine chaicover, looks like you ment well.

[b]@OP,
I can understand your pain,however no one can solve this problem except you.Women and men too need to understand that after some time the law of diminishing returns sets into everything-marriage inclusive.We all need to understand except you are an idealist that the man?woman we married are going to change at some point in the marriage and then you will have to deal with the difficulties therein.How you handle these difficulties is what will determine if the marriage will continue or collapse.
You have said your man has not cheated on you.
You have said that from the beginning,he had a low sex drive.
You have four children between you.
You have been married for a long time.
I think what binds the two of you together is more than what can tear you apart.
My advise to you is that you need to manage your marriage more by trying to talk things over with your man.If you can come on an anonymous forum and talk to face less people why can't you try to talk to your husband and the father of your kids?
NEVER listen to evil friends who advise you to have an affair-I warn you it will never end well.Think of your kids,do you think they would like you and Daddy separated because you guys could not resolve your differences?
Go back home and make your marriage work.A word is enough for the wise!

[/b]

thank you Richvkunt.