@OP-I tink u shld change ur perspective on dis issue.

@OP: I really feel for u n i understand wat u re goin thru though i'm not married. however, i just want to say this: pls n pls DON'T pour life unto ur kids. u're just both caretakers and u re training them to be independent in future. else when they grow, u ll be competing wit the people in their lives and u ll make a very bad MIL. God ll c u thru IJN. I pray u'll come back here to give a testimony.

Onegai: Hey, dear, firstly, big hug to you. Sometimes we forget that people became parents and stop treating them like people because they have kids. So,that hug is sometime I'd give a friend, and it's for you.
Secondly, your husband is unhappy. Trust me, only an unhappy person will start a fight and reduce you to tears. TRUST ME, he's as UNHAPPY as you are, and he's taking it out on you. It doesn't matter if he's cheating, that's not important. Don't even try and find out if he is or isn't. His cruel behaviour could be a result of guilt over his bad actions, because that's how people are.
I heard this white lady once, who said something "in my home, my hubby comes first, because my kids are gonna grow up and have a life". Naija mamas, they focus too much on their kids, then the child marries and they don't know how to let go (hence wicked mama-in-law) because they get jealous of the person who has taken the love of their life away. Do you want to be like that? because I'm trying to settle my sis-in-law and my mum's fight and I wish my mum was busy, she wouldn't have time for this.
Your man will be buried beside you, not your kids. Prioritize him, your home is unhappy because you both are unhappy and that hurts the kids.
So, what to do? Pray, ask God for strenght. The beauty of Esther, the romance of Songs of Solomon (read that book!), the patience of Job.
Then, take yourself shopping, look good, not trendy, good. Form-fitting dresses (no trousers) and skirts, highheels (not the nonsense platform akpola that's popular, but simple cute styles), get your hair done, put on some pink lipgloss, not red. Get a hobby, like join a cooking school, sewing class, french, swim, tennis, SOMETHING that sha gets you out of the house that isn't work, church, wedding, family. You need to be relaxed and happy and laughing for no reason. Let him notice this happiness. Start wearing one of his tshirts to bed at night, nothing under. You need to seduce him back to your side. Ask him for advice, discuss small politics and listen to him more. Particularly if it concerns his business, the idea is to get him talking. Desdemona seduced Othelo by the way she listened. Challenge him a little, show your brains in a clever manner (like a small business, so he remembers how awesome you were when he met you). All this takes hard work. Do casual touching (eg on your way to the kitchen, absently touch his shoulder), wear perfume. Then when you get him back to your bed, slowly begin to make him open up. No harsh angry words! Just be welcoming and open.

God bless you. This is the best post so far.

@awoloto: I sense d major problem is sex.ual/emotional compatibility. Ur hussy has a low se.x drive while urs is high up in d sky. But u neva got to know b4 gettin married.

Or, there ar some tins he just doesn't like in u but neva saw while u were courtin.

Or u simply weared him out, maybe with naggin. Wait, I'm just tryin to bring up wat might av caused him to stop carin.

Why not try to have a heart to heart talk with him? And I don't mean, wakin him up @ 1am to talk to him (I hate that and I've dated someone who did that repeatedly even though, I kicked against it). Observe him in his happy moment and ask if u and him cld talk or go for a walk alone and talk. Atleast, for d sake of d future, especially, that of ur kids.

And if all fails, my dear, don't even think of reportin him to his parents ooo. Rather, talk to God.

serves her right though , were her eyes blind when she was wedding? Am sure she has a good reason for going along with it

jennykadry:

How much are you paying for your Internet? I will pay for you to get a good wifi connection instead of this pay as you go you subscribed to that discourages you from typing in proper English making it very difficult for some of us to comprehend.

Please do not be offended

Can you pay for my internet?
One year contract please and it is 50 monthly
Send the check

My sincere advice is that you leave and let him cater for the kids alone. He will have a re-think. The children will not die, shebi you survived a broken home? If you dont do something drastic and let him see that you can actually leave for good, your problem may last till death do you part! Note dt some pple do not value what they have until they see themselves loosing it.

You are making heavy weather of the fact that you dont want your kids raised in a broken home. Have you ever thought that this whole saga can kill you? What if u suffer a heart attack and die now cos of your worries and sadness, can you stop another woman from raising them? Ther are somethings that are beyond you. It is better you are alive to attend to them than die in agony leaving them helpless!

@OP -- Why would you tell one sided story and paint your husband so bad as if you are an angel? something is surely fishy
You cannot tell the full story here because you know people would stone you to death.
Is it pity you seek you will get it from your likes here but truth is surely far from all that you have said!!!

My opinion -- You did something terrible and your husband can't just forget and forgive you for it !!!
That's why you stay put in the marriage eventhough you complain bitterly.

Only the truth would set you free !!!

Poster,anythign you want from your husband, give it first to him and he will eventually reciprocate. If is love, love him, if is care, care for him etc. its all about action, doing. In marriage, what you DO is what you SEE.

My step dad took my mum in with 4 kids oldest less than 10 and youngest less than 4 years and they been married for over 25 years but I guess my step dad ate vegetable jare...that their own is too much.
Madam,
I love how some posters are pointing to you as the root of all evil .....hahhaha....may we not see agbako marriage.
If you love your kids half as much as you say you will tell that almost husband of yours to either let my people go or work on his marriage with you.
I do not believe for one instance that it is your fault and i beg all mothers reading to bring up their son in such a way that his wife will say prayers for you.
5 years can cause cobwebs, frustration that breed psychopathic tendency ....with urgency you need to get a bullet vibrator and ease that tension out....google it they sell online in NIG ( oh my goodness you will pick a fight with the telly if you do not act fast) and your husband is a wicked control freak controlling you with no sex ( how can you keep a woman from sex for 3 months ? talk less of 5 years ....Ko da o) and I do not care.... Is he gay? bisexual, downlow??
You need to go shopping , do your hair and start looking like Barbie's aunty...I bet he is confident in your being responsible .....common madam show him the bad gal within ...do not cheat but act it....target that ego of his....
Look totally hot to handle ...I mean go all out ...gym membership, make up lesson....note this is not to make him attracted to you....Its to make you see it in other men's eyes that you still got it.
Be happy all the time...take the kids to the beach by yourself, wave him bye and swing it with the gals but do not cheat just act it.

After all said and done if he is still not making you feel like a woman, curl your toes close your eyes and scream with ecstasy then you might want to close that chapter ( only you can decide that)unhappy mothers do not do well for anybody. You need to be happy and positive to be of any use to anyone. Make him think you are attractive to other men works 98% of the time
Be safe : If he decided to comb out the cobwebs ...pls both go for a STD test first....when crying the vision must still be care and the plan is your kids need their MUM.

Get the vibrator quickly Madam......you will wonder why you waited so long better than cheating and no STD.

If you are not OP do not criticise my post you are not in her shoes: give your own advise and keep it moving.

drzed:


I feel for you. To start with, you need to develop a thick skin on Nairaland if you dare to bring your problems to this forum. Some people only come here to vent their frustration on others. You dont sound to me like you need pity or further abuse from people who dont even know you. What you want is help or advice on how to move on.

As for your specific problem, I am afraid that your life is passing you by. Almost half of it is gone in fact, since you are already approaching 40. But for your 4 kids, I would have said you actually wasted all your adult life with this man. If you continue to remain with someone who is nasty, abusive and reduces you to tears on a daily basis, I hate to tell you this, but it is like you are committing suicide s-l-o-w-l-y. It may just be a matter of time before High BP or something like that hits you fatally. God forbid.

Yes, you came from a broken home. But is that an excuse to be unhappy for the rest of your life? You owe yourself and your kids the highly probable chance of being happier OUTSIDE this man's life. If you remain with this man, it is not only you who will suffer it. Your kids will grow up worse off. There are countless stories of strong, sincere, hardworking and independent women who made it on their own, in the absence of a loving husband. In some cases it was divorce. Others are widows. Life goes on and being married (especially to a mean person) is neither the beginning nor end of life. And with faith, God will provide a caring man for you along the way.

Take the plunge. Dump him as soon as possible and God will be on your side. Define your future happiness and success according to your own terms. Fortunately, it appears that friends and relatives around you are only too happy to see the back of your wicked/hopeless husband.

So what are you still waiting for?

Wow !!!!
and took the words out of my brain and explained it concisely.
Thank you.

awoloto: I am married with four children to a man who clearly does not love me or care about me.
I am 38, but don't wont to leave the marriage because of the affect it will have on my four children , the oldest being ten years old.

The marriage has broken down completely and i am living in depression, and hopelessness. I am very unhappy, he knows this but it doesn't bother him. he wants to remain married to me,i am constantly in tears over his attitude and uncaring nature towards me.

What do i do ? please advise me.

I wanted to be loved , but i know it will never be by him. That is a closed chapter.

Do i stay in the marriage and date another, or do i continue to suffer. We have not had intercourse for over five years. Is this life?

I have just moved to Lagos and have only a few friends. I really need advice.

Please give me your views on this.

pls don you dare lie to us wt intent to deceive you wrong that guy but i dont know how but it seems u betrayed him and he decided the best way is to see u feel his own hurt that u gave to him u cant leave cos ur 38 not just cos of kids u lied he sees it as if he lets u go the next girl will suffer the consequences of ur betrayal so let her stick around and suffer and be paid in full am planning the same for my babe too for all the rubbish she's been doing i'l make her pay for it

agiboma: @ op my heart really goes out to you cause i been in your shoes. I know there are some things you left out in your original post, but ill comment on what you have shared. Look, at the end of the day no body can tell you to go or stay. Its a decision you got to make. If you decide to stay look for ways you can survive in the marriage. Like doing your hair, reading books, playing internet poker etc. Try to find a hobby or a job if you dont have one. Also are you still interested in sharing intamacy with your husband?
Even after five years it still possible to get it back if you are wanting to go their with him again. You mentioned getting a boyfriend well when i was in your shoes i wanted to do the same thing, but i realised that it would solve nothing and i had to work on the heart of the problem to repair my marriage. I did this by communicating more with my husband and fighting less. I also started my own business and wow that was a major turning point for us, my husband began to see everything differently and he has changed. Your hubby can also change if its what you want, you just got to work on it, but first you need to work on you. Its not doing your kids any good seeing mommy sad all the time.When i was going through my difficult time i was also sad, but i recovered and found ways of making myself happy, i became my true source of joy and was not looking towards my husband for anything emotional, thats how i regained my sanity and was able to put my house back in order. Look OP you can do it too! Today my home is differnt my hubby is a wonderful father to our son that loves him dearly. Just a few days ago he told me ?you gave me a beautiful son, i did not see it before, but i see it now". I smiled and said thank you. But in my mond im thinking our son is 2 years old and you are just seeing it now. What im trying to say is that it takes some men time to realise and appreciate what they got in their home. No circumstance in marriage cannot be worked out with communication IMO.
Are you in Nigeria? Divorce with 4 kids in Nigeria is not easy!!!!! Especially if you are divorcing looking for love. If you divorcing to have your fun and not look for something serious then thats more realistic in Nigeria. Their are many men that would have you as a girlfriend, but i dont think you will find one to marry you with 4 children in this Nigeria, sorry to say. So before you leave look at the realities of your circumstances and environment.
OP what ever you decide to do, good luck

Oh agiboma I am so happy things are working out well for you! Congratulations! My husband told me something similar the other day after his Bleep up. Thank God things are looking up and truly I'm very happy for you!

I certainly wish to differ because I notice some incorrect information from the post. First you are 38 (middle-age woman) with a good job and 4 kids (great). In a loveless marriage for 18 - 19years. Doing my maths, it shows you got married at either 19 or 20years (going by the information you provided). Secondly, you mentioned your eldest child is 10years and you have not made love in 5years. Apparently, you corrected this after being spotted by Chaircover, that your youngest is actually 10years. However the case, doing my maths again (18yrs of marriage less 5 years of no sex, equals 13 years of active sex life between you and your husband). Now if your youngest is 10 years, this automatically puts your eldest child to 12 years. I sincerely have a problem with deducing the ages of your 2 middle children (maybe 12.5 - 11.5 years right? except you got pregnant out of wedlock). Also, you did well in pointing out that your husband has low libido (i.e. low sex drive and you are clearly aware of this). I guess to justify the fact that your husband has not made love to you for 5 years and also the fact of no form of infidelity on your husband's part. For a man who can give birth to 4 children in 13 or 12 years, clearly the aspect of low libido should be ruled out (abi na one touch, one belly?). Also, when chaircover asked basic questions because she wasn't cleared just like I am confused, you were quick to defend yourself by accusing her (a typical nairaland trait). FYI, nobody talked you into discussing your private issues in a forum like this, it was practically your own decision and by doing this you should have thought about the consequences involved (also note that you are anonymous to us). I think you were in a hurry to paint your husband BLACK and you are doing this without telling us the real details. I have to be honest with you, I just don't believe you. A healthy man (like other posters have rightly said) cannot stay without sex for 5 years, whether he has high or extremely low libido and if he is not cheating on you like you said, then your story is incomplete.

Some peeps would probably wonder why I decide to dissect the poster's information. Well, I have noticed that over time some stories being posted are made-up (false) stories, either to get the sympathy of fellow nairalanders or to put the male folks in bad light. I recently read a story about a man who got his 20 years old housemaid pregnant and blamed it on his banker's wife for lack of attention. Part of the story was that there is a policy in the wife's bank for ladies not to be pregnant for the first 11 months so that they can be confirmed. I can confidently state that there is no policy as such in the banking industry. I don't know why these posters make up these stories and what their objectives are.

Onegai: Hey, dear, firstly, big hug to you. Sometimes we forget that people became parents and stop treating them like people because they have kids. So,that hug is sometime I'd give a friend, and it's for you.
Secondly, your husband is unhappy. Trust me, only an unhappy person will start a fight and reduce you to tears. TRUST ME, he's as UNHAPPY as you are, and he's taking it out on you. It doesn't matter if he's cheating, that's not important. Don't even try and find out if he is or isn't. His cruel behaviour could be a result of guilt over his bad actions, because that's how people are.
I heard this white lady once, who said something "in my home, my hubby comes first, because my kids are gonna grow up and have a life". Naija mamas, they focus too much on their kids, then the child marries and they don't know how to let go (hence wicked mama-in-law) because they get jealous of the person who has taken the love of their life away. Do you want to be like that? because I'm trying to settle my sis-in-law and my mum's fight and I wish my mum was busy, she wouldn't have time for this.
Your man will be buried beside you, not your kids. Prioritize him, your home is unhappy because you both are unhappy and that hurts the kids.
So, what to do? Pray, ask God for strenght. The beauty of Esther, the romance of Songs of Solomon (read that book!), the patience of Job.
Then, take yourself shopping, look good, not trendy, good. Form-fitting dresses (no trousers) and skirts, highheels (not the nonsense platform akpola that's popular, but simple cute styles), get your hair done, put on some pink lipgloss, not red. Get a hobby, like join a cooking school, sewing class, french, swim, tennis, SOMETHING that sha gets you out of the house that isn't work, church, wedding, family. You need to be relaxed and happy and laughing for no reason. Let him notice this happiness. Start wearing one of his tshirts to bed at night, nothing under. You need to seduce him back to your side. Ask him for advice, discuss small politics and listen to him more. Particularly if it concerns his business, the idea is to get him talking. Desdemona seduced Othelo by the way she listened. Challenge him a little, show your brains in a clever manner (like a small business, so he remembers how awesome you were when he met you). All this takes hard work. Do casual touching (eg on your way to the kitchen, absently touch his shoulder), wear perfume. Then when you get him back to your bed, slowly begin to make him open up. No harsh angry words! Just be welcoming and open.

Well said men show their anger and hurt in different ways so the lashing out and being nasty can very well be his coping mechanism.

jp philips:

watch his best friend closely, your hubby is *GAY*

are you remotely serious

awoloto: ITOLDU
THANKS for your kind words.as I have said , I have made my decision . I pray that in ur time of need , no one will judge u or jump to conclusions. Thank you anyway.for your comments.
Thank u to all who responded. I will not post again. I have made a decision .
I have faith in God and my faith has been renewed. Nothing is impossible.
Could she be lying? -polyester? Pls read my posts well.
Only God knows and only he will ever know.
It helps to talk and to give a fuller picture , and I will be doing just that.but not on this forum. God bless you all .( this is my last post here, purpose served)
One gai thanks for your post!

all the best, hope to hear you happy news in the near future on whatever you decide to do.

omosexy1:
Some peeps would probably wonder why I decide to dissect the poster's information. Well, I have noticed that over time some stories being posted are made-up (false) stories, either to get the sympathy of fellow nairalanders or to put the male folks in bad light. I recently read a story about a man who got his 20 years old housemaid pregnant and blamed it on his banker's wife for lack of attention. Part of the story was that there is a policy in the wife's bank for ladies not to be pregnant for the first 11 months so that they can be confirmed. I can confidently state that there is no policy as such in the banking industry. I don't know why these posters make up these stories and what their objectives are.

90% of the stories here are all made-up, inspired by nollywood/african magic overdose.
you also have to understand some people are attention-seekers that would do anything
to denigrate their men to score cheap brownie points. let's just pretend and treat each
case like it's real. what have you got to lose?

coogar:

90% of the stories here are all made-up, inspired by nollywood/african magic overdose.
you also have to understand some people are attention-seekers that would do anything
to denigrate their men to score cheap brownie points. let's just pretend and treat each
case like it's real. what have you got to lose?

There are certain things to lose. It puts the men in bad light and it is not so fair. Since this forum is for the whole world to see, a negative generalization on Nigerian men would be claimed. People who engage in this should stop it.

LOL, for the first time wify is not complaning about hubby physical abuse.
But this time it is lack of SEX, so you wanna divorce due to lack, of sex . :
Well who told you the new man won't loose interest in you.
That is if you don't become MISTRESS which is common this days

dinachi: by the special grace of grace of God I have been married for a while now and one of the things I dont do is that it is difficult to understand the situation without hearing the mans own point of view. In my opinion i think the woman is the main problem. From what I gather, I think he is simply tired of the man. Imagine discussing her husband with her friends all the time. According to her, all her friends are fed up too. She is very sure he is not cheating because, Iam sure she has discreetly investigated him and found nothing incriminating. She is listening to bad advice from her friends, period! can she give examples of the mans immaturity and lack of love display? This is a woman who is simply seeking moral support to break her home. my advice? go and sin no more!

You are such a bullshitter!

[b]

Richvkunt: [b]@OP,
I can understand your pain,however no one can solve this problem except you.Women and men too need to understand that after some time the law of diminishing returns sets into everything-marriage inclusive.We all need to understand except you are an idealist that the man?woman we married are going to change at some point in the marriage and then you will have to deal with the difficulties therein.How you handle these difficulties is what will determine if the marriage will continue or collapse.
You have said your man has not cheated on you.
You have said that from the beginning,he had a low sex drive.
You have four children between you.
You have been married for a long time.
I think what binds the two of you together is more than what can tear you apart.
My advise to you is that you need to manage your marriage more by trying to talk things over with your man.If you can come on an anonymous forum and talk to face less people why can't you try to talk to your husband and the father of your kids?
[/font]NEVER listen to evil friends who advise you to have an affair-I warn you it will never end well.Think of your kids,do you think they would like you and Daddy separated because you guys could not resolve your differences?
Go back home and make your marriage work.A word is enough for the wise! [/b]

[/b]

i have not been on this part of the forum ever but the thread seemed interesting enough so i poked in and read a little of what was said and I must confess,what I quoted here and what chaircover has been saying is almost identical apart from the know your enemy and faceless people stuff which is very petty but chaircover said stuff that was almost identical to the font faced part

awoloto: Marriage! no way thats out of the question, i will happily remain single . I am not looking to get married again at all. yes i live in Lagos, and i am fully aware that no guy will look at my type(four kids).
i will happily remain single, as for intimacy, no, i have passsed that stage now and am very indifferent to it, i know i dont really want to cheat so , its not an option for me.i married a man who right from the start was never really interested in being intimate anyway,and had a very low sex drive, so its never been an issue for him.
thanks for the advise, agboma i will ponder over all you have said.
I have a good job, and am doing well for myself, so i am not idle, i also have a large supportive family.
Ijust have to continue to hold on to God for now, just dont know how long i can hold on for.

Madam leave him and move on with your life, daily emotional assaults are just as bad as physical sometimes even worse. God wants his children to live in peace. Raising your children in a loveless and abusive environment will counteract any benefit of a normal marital union. U are financially comfortable with an established family support structure- good! that's all ur kids need to grow up as well balanced individuals they will imbibe appropriate mores from this positive interactions with ur extended family, u wld be happy cheerful and can appreciate other good things of life without the overhanging depression of a bitterly abusive husband. My wife and I are helping to raise two of my sisters children along with our own daughters (my sister is raising two by herself she has a very similar experience- a bank manager with four children previously married to an abusive man with a very bad temper) the big difference was that he liked to use her for punching bag and ATM

[quote
author=Richvkunt]


You know what I am on about,stop being petty,the OP came here for
advise,let us give it to her and if we have none let us just ignore the
thread.
Just my opinion-you don't have to take it![/quote]

milehigh06: [b]
i have not been on this part of the forum ever but the thread seemed interesting enough so i poked in and read a little of what was said and I must confess,what I quoted here and what chaircover has been saying is almost identical apart from the know your enemy and faceless people stuff which is very petty but chaircover said stuff that was almost identical to the font faced part

As long as it is from the cabal, they must criticize the post even when the person shares the same opinion as them. What CC advised her to do was to, re-trace her steps and find out what went wrong and behold almighty grand daddy with teenage age kids showed up and pooed on the thread like he normal does anyways. My goal is to use my advise to eliminate him completely from this forum for good. I am getting there

Are u a Virteous woman?

Bunch of Dimwitted fellows roaming this website. Time to move on don dey near, which one come be cabal for family section again?

@awoloto everybody will give their views on on your story well,no matter what happens to human being on this earth is just for us to learn,you have four kids, for a man a man that does not love you,but he once did right?

My own advice to you is to knee down and pray to God to make things work in your marriage, cos if you say you want to go and date some1 else how sure are you that the same will not happen, But remember the Bible says "ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD". Good morning,in case you have any question you can get in touch with me via this means.

marriag is 4 beta an 4 worst, if truly de young man pay ur dairy an pay evrytin as demanded, de is no 2 ways abt it dan 2 stay. Remba u Both ve children, de children need de presence of their mother most dan their father. I tink u really need 2 trace somethings behind an c if der are things u did dat ur huzban is Usin against u. An @ the sometime check ur own attitude, if der are some dat is stairing him in2 anger always, pls dnt be offended, are u de type who dnt lik clean enverioment or de lazy type? Check all these an see, but de most tin tell it 2 GOD in prayers, HE touch de heart of kings an can still touch de heart of ur huzban, pls dnt give up, keep on fighting, one day, ur husband wil com bak an de family wil experience the joy, Peace. An de Happiness u are looking for. May GOD be ur strength. Tank u.

Am so sorry about whats happening to you. Go watch FIREPROOF MARRIAGE...sure it will help you, there's nothing God cant do. Follow the steps in that movie, and pray, commiting your husband and home to the hands of God...your marriage will surely heal in jesus name.