My greatest fear for you OP is that if the marriage ends you'll be penniless. I doubt he included your name in the house papers yet all your money is spent on household expenses. First of all you need to renegotiate, tell him you want to discuss your family's finances. Tell him you need to start saving a percentage of your income towards future investments. It's better for both parties to have savings incase. Let him know he'll need to start contributing towards the children and household expenses.

The way things are presently he won't respect you, he has effectively manipulated you to ensure that you don't have any savings. He knows he can treat you anyhow he likes since you don't have the funds to leave him. First thing is put your foot down and save your money

ademideolu:


even his grannies, as old as they are, he tongue lash them not to talk of his sisters and aunts, his uncles are even way too low to advise him. ooooooopppps, why will someone say such? surely they cant talk to him because they were left alone to feed for themselves when they lost their parent. even the elder sisters too dont take to corrections from their grannies. just last month he fought with his grand pa. the old man was begging him and cant really correct him cos of the financial gains they get from him.
but what can i really do? his grand mother when she was dying said i must look after him and never divorce him, but am not happy. cant talk to my parents cos i am afraid they will think my marriage is not working.

wao!this one is off d track,your man is something else my dear,i do nt HAV to insult him but i am married too so permit me to say he is terrible a man,i think he is a weak man,the fear of tomoro is hauntin him so so bad!

SeaGold:
Bia woman, you have not stated any problem on your long epistle but a valedictory sermon on your person.

What at least is he getting right in the family? If non divorce him.

If a man is handling a building project that is cost effective and beneficial to family and you biitch about children attending "A" grade institution, be ready to foot the Bill. Every sane man work for his family and his family is TOP priority even though our strategy to expand might affect our family initially.

If you earn little salary compared to his, please augment it in the family disposable expenses while he shoulder the capital projects. This area as a sacrifice on your part is non negotiable.

Men loves women who manages resources very well. Are you a waste? When a man discovers his wife manages financial resources prudently, trust me with time he will take you into confidence and let you manage all of his financial transaction but if you are the bring this, bring that even when you earns, expect loads of bullshiits and disrespect from the PAY MASTER.

What I can sense and conclude from your post concerning your marital ish is "MONEY". I think you want to make hold of his money and he is thinking of the future while your needs is immediate satisfaction.

Goodluck as you work on your temperament but if not guilty as charged...divorce the ADAM but in all sincerity I saw a FOCUSED man.

Hide your head in shame. U are worse than OP's husband. Focus ko, illusion ni.

Didn't you read verbal abuse in what the OP wrote? Why would a man open his mouth and call the mother of this kids such derogatory names?

Pls if you are just looking for likes check another less sensitive thread. The lady is already down, no need kicking her on the floor.

I believe the husband has been living a pretending life before their marriage and the wife was unable to notice it in time. Now they are married ao he has to show more of the character.

I currently have a similar issue I am working on. Talking to the man has been very difficult while most of us is aware of his maltreatment to wife and kid.

OP, no insult, if your marriage is properly conducted family wise take the issue to your parents. Let them call him(possibly both parents) will have to find a lasting solution to your problem as I believe marriage is not only for you & your hubby alone. Unless you are only counting time because od marriage.

I am talking to you out of experience if you want a change in your matrimonial home. There is no shame or tonge lashing when it comes to marital peoblem.

God help you take a good decision.

ademideolu:


one baby for now. yes i crested an account today because of this. thanks.

TTHANK GOD its just one child,i think he needs u to convince him u can be a reliable back bone for him any day any time,else he will never be able to trust u or your judgements,i use to hav those kind of fears too and my spouse no fit complement me but i am now a man of God And D Holy Spirit Has bin my help now,once a man has d problem of insecurity ,na only God Go fit help his case,my dear do not tel me during courtship u did not notice all this signs abi u were blinded by his money?he seem to be abusive didnt u notice those weakneses too?how long did u court,if he does not hav people he honours in his life,like his pastors ,then u r in big trouble,it is only patience that will help else u give him space and break,if he cherishes u ,he will get sober and humble.but it is only d holy spirit in d life of a genuine saved soul that can help him to be humble and respectful.

ONE MORE THING ,i haven't told u ma,uneed to be careful,once he gets an 'so to say'intelligent lady,who could be industrious,he is likely to fall head over hills o!u must wake up,shine your eyes and brush up.your home is heading for ..,and tell your man,may his fall never be great.once a man is shameles and has no one he honours,then destruction is knockin on his doors big time!

flyca:


Hide your head in shame. U are worse than OP's husband. Focus ko, illusion ni.

Didn't you read verbal abuse in what the OP wrote? Why would a man open his mouth and call the mother of this kids such derogatory names?

Pls if you are just looking for likes check another less sensitive thread. The lady is already down, no need kicking her on the floor.

According to Op statement, I deduced that the root of their problem is MONEY.

She did not state the husband is a CHEAT, a LIAR, WOMANISER, BATTERER, MOLEST, GAMBLER, ROBBER, LAZY MAN etc.

She stated that the man is a hard working man, building, focused, business oriented but TOO PROUD and ARROGANT cos of his wealth.

Madam, I gave her advice on how to manage the situation or DIVORCE her husband if she has done the necessary needful and it is proving abortive.

I don't know what people look at when courting. You mean while courting you never saw how he treated his family? You never discussed how you both would manage family finances? You never discussed how you would manage your children's future? What exactly do folks do during courtship? Have sex and go to fast food joints I suppose. This should be a lesson to intending couples. Don't waste your courtship having sex and eating suya without paying attention to the character of the other person as well as the nature of the future you want to have.

OP you said you husband was caring and giving I think you got blinded by whatever attention he was lavishing on you, you lost sight of the implications of all his faults. If you had been aware of those faults and made them an issue you'd have had a foundation of working things out. As it is now you decided to marry a masquerade and now you are crying because the mask is off. I do sympathise with your condition but you walked into it with your own hand.

You just have to steel your mind to make the necessary sacrifice towards upgrading your financial status. Online courses are a good way to do this. Acquire new relevant knowledge to whatever field of career you have chosen.

Talking to your husband seems to be a no go area so put your effort into taking action.

tatiana009:
My greatest fear for you OP is that if the marriage ends you'll be penniless. I doubt he included your name in the house papers yet all your money is spent on household expenses. First of all you need to renegotiate, tell him you want to discuss your family's finances. Tell him you need to start saving a percentage of your income towards future investments. It's better for both parties to have savings incase. Let him know he'll need to start contributing towards the children and household expenses.

The way things are presently he won't respect you, he has effectively manipulated you to ensure that you don't have any savings. He knows he can treat you anyhow he likes since you don't have the funds to leave him. First thing is put your foot down and save your money

Mentality of nowadays women who goes into marriage with Divorce in mind.

The greatest investment a woman can make in a family is bringing forth children. Even if she divorce her children will bring her closer to enjoy those "wealth and properties" except she ran away with the kids

This is a difficult situation. OP your man needs the touch of the Holy Spirit as only God can help such a man. He think everything is of his own power. You need to pray for him. I dont know if your man has ever read ecclesiastes. On the other hand this man thinks you are poor and is treating you like rag,discuss with him about this again. Stop spending that little money you make according to him on liablity alone. Let him pay for food too or he no dey chop? Since he complains that you spend much of food,start cooking little for you two but dont starve baby ooo. My biggest fear for you is that if this husband of yours suffer a massive failure in life,he will commit sucide.

Op, so sorry for your troubles. Typed an epistle but mistakenly deleted it. Can you try asking someone who is far richer, I mean very very rich in church, street, etc to counsel him? Desperate times, desperate measures.

Please those always asking if these traits were not noticed before marriage, no one is perfect, there is always something bad or odd about us all, does that mean no one should get married when they believe its something they can handle? Please save the op that preaching for another life.

Your story is a sad one but not new. Trust me women are going through worse things in some marriages. A lot of people feel divorce is a easy one and always the answer to all marital problems but let it be your last resort. You have to be a woman married with at least a child before anyone can really understand how you feel.

My advice to u is to try as much as possible to find a way to develop yourself not because of what he says but to guarantee a better future for your child, You also need to save no matter how difficult it is. One day your husband will look you in the eye and ask you if he collects your salary from you without blinking an eye despite d fact that he knows what you do with it.
There is also a huge possibility he has met someone he's dating probably a single mother who is independent and he keeps comparing you to her. U also need to involve your family in this cos dey would be your moral support and assist you is prayers. Like u ve also been advised look for someone he respects so much to talk to him but avoid your pastor cos he would run away from church and you will find it difficult to bring him back to church. Its not easy but you have to put in more effort .Don't give up on the marriage as there is noting God can't do. Trust me am talking from experience.

egopersonified:
Op, so sorry for your troubles. Typed an epistle but mistakenly deleted it. Can you try asking someone who is far richer, I mean very very rich in church, street, etc to counsel him? Desperate times, desperate measures.

Please those always asking if these traits were not noticed before marriage, no one is perfect, there is always something bad or odd about us all, does that mean no one should get married when they believe its something they can handle? Please save the op that preaching for another life.

You don't marry a smoker and start complaining that he smokes , you need to deal with such issues before marriage. Anybody marrying and believing you will change the other person is in for a long thing.

freecocoa:
Abeg this story has to be made up, haba!

I don't think so, looks real, because I ave seen worse situation

LordReed:


You don't marry a smoker and start complaining that he smokes , you need to deal with such issues before marriage. Anybody marrying and believing you will change the other person is in for a long thing.

And if smoking is the only issue, does that make him 'unmarriable'? How many issues can you notice and actually sort out before marriage? Most times its not about changing the person but believing you can actually deal with that issue. In my case, my husband wasnt spending on me, but after marriage I discovered he is selfless, would not giving me money be enough not to marry a nice guy? Funny enough, the cute thing about him then was his quietness, but now, I want him to talk more and this is now a big issue for me. Like I said, no one is perfect, there must be something you dont really like, but the question is, are you ready to live with it?

dytbabe:
Deep sigh
This one is strong oooo

Really strong o my sister! It is well!

freecocoa:
Abeg this story has to be made up, haba!

Its not o dear, I also had a personal experience with my dad. My dad is even worse, but it is well, I thank God I survived all his humilatns 2 my mum&myself. Infact, reading her story, my mind kept telling me so ppl like my dad exists in oda variatns. God is faithful sha.

egopersonified:


And if smoking is the only issue, does that make him 'unmarriable'? How many issues can you notice and actually sort out before marriage? Most times its not about changing the person but believing you can actually deal with that issue. In my case, my husband wasnt spending on me, but after marriage I discovered he is selfless, would not giving me money be enough not to marry a nice guy? Funny enough, the cute thing about him then was his quietness, but now, I want him to talk more and this is now a big issue for me. Like I said, no one is perfect, there must be something you dont really like, but the question is, are you ready to live with it?

Never made mention of not marrying because you discover something. You deal with issues BEFORE marriage. You should not now be complaining of your husband's quietness instead you should prepare strategies for mitigating it. Everyone knows no one is perfect but you must count the cost of living with whatever defects you cannot change.

op, am so short of words of wat yur going thru..you cud av noticed some bits of his arrogant traits while dating, and there and then you wud have cut off frm the whole marriage plans with him.. Av bn with someone like dat b4, but not as severe as yurs. Quickly, I just cut off d engagement without looking back. mehn? he was stunned, he thot hes God's gift 2 women. All I will advise is tell your family, let yur parents talk to him. if he doesn't change? Start saving money for a 2nd stream of income. u nid 2 be financially strong, cos anything can happen tomorrow as soon as he completes his building. its only God intervention that can change him. its a pity, u realized after getting married.
start saving now!

So you forgot the for better FOR WORST part of marriage ni?
Abeg grow up and stop dreaming like a child!
Do you really expect things to always stay the same in relationships?

If your partner changes. . . . . CHANGE TOO!
Never give more than you receive in ANY LEVEL OF ANY RELATIONSHIP!

Abeg grow up!

Thanks in advance!

LordReed:


Never made mention of not marrying because you discover something. You deal with issues BEFORE marriage.

Not all issues can be detected and dealt with before marriage, 'work it out' as you go.

LordReed:

You should not now be complaining of your husband's quietness instead you should prepare strategies for mitigating it. Everyone knows no one is perfect but you must count the cost of living with whatever defects you cannot change.

Guess we are on the same page here.

egopersonified:


Not all issues can be detected and dealt with before marriage, 'work it out' as you go.

The big sticking points usually have signboards. In the case of this our sister his treatment of his relatives would have been a glaring sign for her to see. If a man doesn't treat his blood sister well be very careful he is most likely not going to treat you much better. These things leave telltales around us which is why I will always advocate for courtship to be a time to shine your eye well well not a time to be eating suya and having sex like rabbits.

SeaGold:


Life is not a fairy tale or fantasy of a wonderland.

Cocoa, are you a feminist?

Yes I proudly is.

SeaGold:
Bia woman, you have not stated any problem on your long epistle but a valedictory sermon on your person.

What at least is he getting right in the family? If non divorce him.

If a man is handling a building project that is cost effective and beneficial to family and you biitch about children attending "A" grade institution, be ready to foot the Bill. Every sane man work for his family and his family is TOP priority even though our strategy to expand might affect our family initially.

If you earn little salary compared to his, please augment it in the family disposable expenses while he shoulder the capital projects. This area as a sacrifice on your part is non negotiable.

Men loves women who manages resources very well. Are you a waste? When a man discovers his wife manages financial resources prudently, trust me with time he will take you into confidence and let you manage all of his financial transaction but if you are the bring this, bring that even when you earns, expect loads of bullshiits and disrespect from the PAY MASTER.

What I can sense and conclude from your post concerning your marital ish is "MONEY". I think you want to make hold of his money and he is thinking of the future while your needs is immediate satisfaction.

Goodluck as you work on your temperament but if not guilty as charged...divorce the ADAM but in all sincerity I saw a FOCUSED man.

Choi......person wey marry u go work ooo,u are funny sir if wt u see trully is a focused man,ds man seriously needs jesus!

cococandy:
*low self esteem
*marriage is for better or worse(especially when the babe is the victim)
*God hates divorce
*divorcees and single moms are sub human species.
*kids are better raised in a tense hostile environment than by a single parent.

Take your pick.

Anway I don't think OP's marriage is beyond redemption. It has a possibility of turning around if they can find a person who the husband listens to,to talk some sense into him.
He's not hitting or cheating on her ...yet(from d story)
They can make it if only the person who needs advice here(hubby) gets it on time and thinks about his actions

Hmm, I just can't imagine myself in such a situation sha, it's well.

I personally think this marriage isn't quite working out. U must be emotionally and physically drained. D issues are too many. Which 1 will you tackle 1st? Someone dt doesn't value the opinion of others even his grandparents who can u possibly tell that will talk sense into him. Try d options u have read here.. and save money! Just in case. U need the strength of many to pull through this.

There are factors that contributes a lot in making one's marriage a living hell especially in your second and fifth year into the marriage, and it gets to a point that all you want to do is to walk away but this doesn't solve the problems always.

Give the poor bastard a chance to fix himself up emotionally and otherwise,let him face the realities that stares him in the face and I can assure you that two years from now he would be thanking you for not leaving him when he needed you most.

I don't want to go on talking about his issues here.But one thing I can assure you is that this is the most difficult time for your marriage and you need all the strength you have to forge ahead and save the world from another broken home.

Do not listen to these internet tigers that are massaging your ego asking you to leave ,some of them are just 18 or 19 year old children with the wrongest ideology about life and do not understand what it takes to remain married and of course some of them can't just fit in. Yes! I said it
So my dear hang in there, tomorrow will be brighter.

Just imagine that you the one with these loads of problems and all he could do was to divorce you or just walk away and in ten years you came to realize that you needed help back then and the only person in your life that said he loves you walked away when you were down on your last lap of self destruction.He has a problem,that's true but he needs your help now, just forget what the world is saying right now.

A man once told me that the reasons why he divorced his wife in the 90s was just ok to divorce a woman, but right now it doesn't really make sense anymore to him..........He was passing a message that reacting on some issues of emotional kind is always hastily entered into by lots of people only to find out after many years that it was nothing.

I personally think that most successful marriages are perfectly hooked on tolerance and not the so-called overrated 'love' because it fades away and reality hits home and it takes those with a heart of steel to withstand this ugly bitter truth.Talk to him ,he is human and you know him more better than anyone else right here ,just talk sense into him and he will think it's just a matter of time.....smh

ademideolu:


one baby for now. yes i crested an account today because of this. thanks.

Ma Dear sis, I sympathise wiff u. Feel like crying like seriously. Tnk God u have jst one child if not, ahhh. Close ur legs 4now, close dat tin 4now so dat u wn't suffer d more. These are d things dat makes me wants to make ma own money b4 gettin married. Men!!! Dey Chang like camelion immediately after marriage. I dnt want to suffer in any man's hand. Keep movin, he'll c u flying high in d sky one day, dnt give up. All wnt last forever, jst for d main time. But...close ur legs plsssss

@ ademideolu i honestly do feel for you, but stop the pity party and think of ways to help yourself . Like improving your overall finances and dont think of another child just yet until that is sorted out . This man has no plans for you and will drop you once he sees a better alternative . What you have to do is prepare for your future , if he takes a walk you survive, if he stays you are the better for it. Stop letting him degrade you and dont report him to anyone again we both know he wont listen . Just tell your parents so they can be aware but not to call him for a sit down before he insults them as well. He is presently tired of the marriage and doesnt see u as stimulating intellectually .
I know you take care of the home front but u need to work on yourself . Be out there socially and intellectually. I dont mean going to parties but know whats happening in the society, brush up yourself . And lastly pray , pray for divine intervention, pray for grace, pray for open doors .

thank you all for your meaningful contributions and for your time, well appreciated.

@seagold, that a man is taking care of his immediate domestic responsibilities does not mean he wont succeed.

@ ademideolu

Quick question and don't be offended but is your husband Muslim? Does he have plans to marry a second wife?

Going by your post you sound like a reasonable, good and loving wife whatever else your shortcomings. May God give you strength to overcome.

SeaGold:


According to Op statement, I deduced that the root of their problem is MONEY.

She did not state the husband is a CHEAT, a LIAR, WOMANISER, BATTERER, MOLEST, GAMBLER, ROBBER, LAZY MAN etc.

She stated that the man is a hard working man, building, focused, business oriented but TOO PROUD and ARROGANT cos of his wealth.

Madam, I gave her advice on how to manage the situation or DIVORCE her husband if she has done the necessary needful and it is proving abortive.

@seagold u come across as really insensitive. Please note that the op feels emotionally battered. Most times emotional abuse is as hurtful as physical abuse. Being hardworking and focused is not an excuse to be abusive.