Sorry, to bother you all , but I just had to get this off my chest. I recently got married, just little over a year ago. I have had no reason not to trust my husband, in fact I could trust him with my life. My problem started last week when I borrowed his laptop to complete some office work. I found his WhatsApp web was logged in, so out of curiosity, I decided to take a peek. What I found what worrying, I saw lots of messages from women who were literally asking my husband out, planning dates and meet up venues, even when they are all well aware that he is married. Since then I have been paranoid, every word from his mouth becomes suspicious, I get angry at him for no reason; I don't know wether to confront him, because I feel like he's just going to lie to me, I'm very confused , somebody help me.

Saddenedsoul, you have to get concrete evidence before confronting him.

After getting evidence (if any), you have to decide what to do with it. What if after confronting him and he continues or he becomes more discrete? So, be wise on how you handle the situation.

Lack of communication is the surest way to ruin any marriage. Sit your husband down and communicate. Learn how to discuss your fears because you can only mess things up with your new unfriendly disposition. Go have a chat with your man.

He doesn't know you know so don't get angry with him. Do the right him by confronting him.

Don't confront him but instead talk to him; communicate with him like friends.
The power of communication in marriage/relationship cannot be overemphasised and it's like you aren't taking good advantage of that yet. Make him your best friend and learn how to chat with him about everything.
Shalom.

Neverquit:
Saddenedsoul, you have to get concrete evidence before confronting him.

After getting evidence (if any), you have to decide what to do with it. What if after confronting him and he continues or he becomes more discrete? So, be wise in how you handle the situation.

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I don't know how to go about getting evidence, what I screw everything up

byvan03:
Lack of communication is the surest way to ruin any marriage. Sit your husband down and communicate. Learn how to discuss your fears because you can only mess things up with your new unfriendly disposition. Go have a chat with your man.

I tried , but only ended up throwing tantrums and putting up an awful drama;

Saddenedsoul:

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I don't know how to go about getting evidence, what I screw everything up

if u don't want to screw ur marriage, u take dat laptop opening the whatsapp page and shove it to his face and give him a piece of ur mind tellin him if this marriage fails, he should knw he caused it. Den walk out of his presence.

Cutehector:
if u don't want to screw ur marriage, u take dat laptop opening the whatsapp page and shove it to his face and give him a piece of ur mind tellin him if this marriage fails, he should knw he caused it. Den walk out of his presence.

I've tried something crazy before, don't want to compound my problems. The fact that he keeps his calm just further drives me crazy

cc MrbrownJ ..... Married people palava...
. . Bcc Lalasticlala

what you dont know will not kill you. stop looking and consider yourself special for him to av choosen you to be his wife. as long as domestic violence or serial cheating wit evidence isnt shown from him yet,there is stil hope.stop doubting and commnicate wit him more often as ur husband. no one is perfect, besides his chats isnt a concrete evidence that hes sleeping wit them.

what if they are the one hitting on your husband?

what if he deleted the chats and u neva saw it,wuld u know about it?

what if his colleague used his laptop to chat?

what if its nothing personal?

give him a benefit of doubt and act wisely afterall before the chats you saw u trusted him. dnt allow the devil to penetrate ur home. erase ur mind from what u saw and focus on building a happy home.dnt feel intidated by unseen girls who ar enjoying themselves nd having fun somewhere while you are tucked in ur own worries and giving yourself high blood pressure on a man thats already yours forever.

Saddenedsoul:
I've tried something crazy before, don't want to compound my problems. The fact that he keeps his calm just further drives me crazy

relax. U don't want him to beat u up? Do u? I don't understand sef. Infact u should be happy ur husband is the calm type. There are some hubbies dat u will accuse, they will just beat the living day light out of ur face.



People say single people aren't allowed to giv married people advice, true that.


But cutehector will not shy away from telling u to apply wisdom. This is just a year old marriage or more, there are a lot of other issues more dan this....


From what u said, u havnt talked to him yet.. you are only overreacting in your heart which is eating u up fast.



I duno which way would be the best way for u, but all I can say is that u take it easy.. if u can ignore, no problem..

How did he reply to those messages? Is he coming home late? Or always traveling for business? Etc.

Don't be angry @ him because he's innocent until proven guilty. Also, does he lock his phone? You know your man, study him and go with your intuition.

Saddenedsoul:

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I don't know how to go about getting evidence, what I screw everything up

Cutehector:
relax. U don't want him to beat u up? Do u? I don't understand sef. Infact u should be happy ur husband is the calm type. There are some hubbies dat u will accuse, they will just beat the living day light out of ur face.



People say single people aren't allowed to giv married people advice, true that.


But cutehector will not shy away from telling u to apply wisdom. This is just a year old marriage or more, there are a lot of other issues more dan this....


From what u said, u havnt talked to him yet.. you are only overreacting in your heart which is eating u up fast.



I duno which way would be the best way for u, but all I can say is that u take it easy.. if u can ignore, no problem..

Thanks

Saddenedsoul:

I tried , but only ended up throwing tantrums and putting up an awful drama;

Do you think he understood what you were vexed about? I understand the urge to throw tantrums but one need to remember she is no longer a child. Can you communicate better through watsapp or any chat meduim ? Why not use it?

realtalk19:
what you dont know will not kill you. stop looking and consider yourself special for him to av choosen you to be his wife. as long as domestic violence or serial cheating wit evidence isnt shown from him yet,there is stil hope.stop doubting and commnicate wit him more often as ur husband. no one is perfect, besides his chats isnt a concrete evidence that hes sleeping wit them.

what if they are the one hitting on your husband?

what if he deleted the chats and u neva saw it,wuld u know about it?

what if his colleague used his laptop to chat?

what if its nothing personal?

give him a benefit of doubt and act wisely afterall before the chats you saw u trusted him. dnt allow the devil to penetrate ur home. erase ur mind from what u saw and focus on building a happy home.dnt feel intidated by unseen girls who ar enjoying themselves nd having fun somewhere while you are tucked in ur own worries and giving yourself high blood pressure on a man thats already yours forever.

Thank you, I appreciate.

How did he react when you threw your drama? Did he deny, admit or accept or pass blame?

Neverquit:
How did he reply to those messages? Is he coming home late? Or always traveling for business? Etc.

Don't be angry @ him because he's innocent until proven guilty. Also, does he lock his phone? You know your man, study him and go with your intuition.

He doesn't give out his phone, and his job requires he travels at least once every quarter

Why some couples torment their marriages with these worthless chats from the opposite gender is what I don't get. Well, lack of respect for their union I guess.

byvan03:



Do you think he understood what you were vexed about? I understand the urge to throw tantrums but one need to remember she is no longer a child. Can you communicate better through watsapp or any chat meduim ? Why not use it?

I don't know if he did, but after all my telling, he just kept calm like I didn't even exist, and it drives me even crazier

Onegai:
How did he react when you threw your drama? Did he deny, admit or accept or pass blame?

He did nothing, just continued emotionlessly like nothing happened, driving me to the brink of craziness.

Saddenedsoul:
He doesn't give out his phone, and his job requires he travels at least once every quarter

You can't pick his phone right in front of him? Well am sure you are aware of the deal before you married him. These things don't start in a day, it has always been there .

byvan03:



You can't pick his phone right in front of him? Well am sure you are aware of the deal before you married him. These things don't start in a day, it has always been there .

We dated all through Uni, and he was the quintessential nice guy; nerd, zero social life, good grades and all. I saw as a nice guy, my nice guy , there were no signs at all

Saddenedsoul:

We dated all through Uni, and he was the quintessential nice guy; nerd, zero social life, good grades and all. I saw as a nice guy, my nice guy , there were no signs at all

Nawaooh!! He wasn't secretive with his phone and all then?

byvan03:




Nawaooh!! He wasn't secretive with his phone and all then?

Not at all, I was the extrovert in the relationship, so I had my way with him.

Red flag #1. I don't understand the logic behind married couples locking their phones (or not telling their better half the unlock code). He might not be doing anything...yet.

As I said earlier, what will you do if your suspicions are proven right? Don't assume that he's cheating. Be wise.

You should also read this post:

lovaleenny:
What will you do? Shout and scream at the man?invite everyone into the home who will beg you?d man sef go beg...den you will do shakara for one month or more and probably say you will leave him and he should stop seeing the girl...den everyone one will beg you not to leave the home for anoda woman and dt men cheat all the time and you'll believe and move on with your life. If yua lucky he won't do it to your face if you aren't.
.well?

Truth is i will do nothing...coz no matter the tantrums,and d outbursts that will ensue it will not take back the disrespect,disloyalty,infidelity and the fact that he chose the sidechick over you...so I'll do nothing,say nothing,react to nothing,not gonna call anybody and I'll move on with my life before i let one misely man called "horseband" give me sleepless nights over his own transgressions. If my silence doesn't make him have a rethink then it'll be time to plan my exit.

Honestly life is too short to allow someone hold the key to your happiness and peace of mind abeg

Saddenedsoul:
He doesn't give out his phone, and his job requires he travels at least once every quarter

Neverquit:
Red flag #1. I don't understand the logic behind married couples locking their phones (or not telling their better half the unlock code). He might not be doing anything...yet.

As I said earlier, what will you do if your suspicions are proven right? Don't assume that he's cheating. Be wise.

You should also read this post:

I really don't want to imagine that

[quote author=Saddenedsoul post=46082002]

Your husband may well be having fun enjoying the attention without actually committing himself.
The laptop messages are not conclusive that he is cheating on you.

What you need to do is keep quit over it and try to catch him doing something that ties to any of the messages.
Then you will have enough evidence to ask him about it.

Nyceguy92:
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ok

before you go any further you have to ask yourself the important question:
- what should I do if indeed he cheated? leave OR stay
- what do i really want/need from him to continue in this union? nothing OR trust back

1) there is no point in seeking for answers, if you aint gonna do shiit, if/when you find out he cheated.
2) if/when you find out he did cheat, what solution do you have in order that this doesnt happen again?

you could simply pretend you never saw anything, dig a hole to put your head in, and act as the clueless person that your husband thinks you are, like realktalk19 suggested... OR you can ACT RIGHT and hopefully get the RESPECT that any spouse deserves. if he wants to jeopardize his life, your union and/or your family life, then he has the right to do so, but you now get the chance to decide if you wanna be part of this charade (or not).

there are no 100 ways to solve this issue... confront him RIGHT AWAY, if he denies any wrongdoings then tell him to open his Whatsapp msgr that same instant, and check all the messages that you saw (while questioning him). if he refuses to show his Whatsapp then you'll understand that he doesnt want to solve this issue and instead want to continue in his coward ways, while covering his tracks better. if he does show the msgs and claim nothing happened then A) ask him and write down every BS story that he will claim about EACH of these suspicious women (why they met, where they met, how many times they met, which day they met etc) then B) call each of these women and ask them the same questions. if any of the details you wrote down doesnt match the answers they give you then that will be the proof of foul play.

sadly, if after all this you still wanna be with that animal, then you must REGAIN the trust that was lost due to his nonsense... and the only possible way to do that is by having free access to EVERYTHING (his phone/computer etc), and often call to enquire about his whereabouts, until you are satisfied that he aint cheating any longer. also, you must both go for HIV/STD checks and wear condoms until you are satisfied that he aint fooling around again... if he refuses then that means he is trying to cover his tracks better.

but hey, if you think that this is too much for you to get the respect that you (and your family) deserves, you could always be quiet and pretend you never saw anything and that everything is wonderful in your union.
good luck!

Confront him. Calmly. Tell him what you saw. Show him. Yes he may lie and hide it better next time but let him know that you won't sit down and accept such. Because when you give someone an inch, they will take a mile. That's human nature, to always push boundaries. Either confront him or confront the girls (if you have energy and time) by posting their chats and numbers onto facebook and tagging their families. I don't know if it's the best option but a lot of people are doing it now and it is sending girls who like to play with married man into hiding, scared that their ashewo behaviour will become public knowledge.

He's already in the wrong, he shouldn't be having conversations about meeting up and dates with anyone. When will we be honest and call a bad thing by its name? Why should a man or woman in the highest level of a committed relationships be planning meetups with anyone, without his/her partner knowing?

You can't say "let me wait and see until he does it", because he will do it and you will shed hot bitter years and everyone here who told you to keep quiet will disappear. Think I'm lying? Search for a thread where a woman saw messages on her husband's phone chatting with girls and people here told her to keep quiet, that it was just "chatting, he was innocent, leave his phone, prayerful" etc. She came later on, devastated that he went on to have a 3sum with the girls he was chatting to. And all her advisers were conveniently quiet.

Saddenedsoul:
Not at all, I was the extrovert in the relationship, so I had my way with him.

Wow!! Only you can tell for sure what went wrong here. Just try talking without the tantrums.